The Power, Complexity, and Quiet Lessons of Going Home for The Holidays
Family shapes us in ways we often don’t see coming. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores why returning home can feel like stepping back in time—and how integrity, humor, and self-awareness help us navigate it.
The holidays are here, and families can be hard. A client of mine, years ago, noted that going home for the holidays was a remarkable experience. He said that no matter his insight or intent, when he stepped into his childhood home, he crossed a magic twanger and turned into a petulant 12-year-old.
No matter his brilliance—he was brilliant. No matter his talent—he was super talented. The force was strong, and no amount of awareness was sufficient to stop it from transforming him into a 12-year-old boy.
I love reflecting on his experience. Families are powerful.
I have also heard that the sales of marijuana and alcohol spike at this time of year. Apparently, we need significant support to face our families. I favor long walks, even in the snow, or getting lost in a football game. Long walks were necessary when my mother-in-law cooked spaghetti. To this day, no one knows the ingredient that sent everyone out the door to take a walk while the sauce was cooking. Really, it smelled like vomit. But when served, it was delicious. May she rest in peace. Probably killed by spaghetti sauce.
I remember being mesmerized by the Green Bay Packers on Christmas Day and glad of the distraction. With the house full of relatives and friends, the escape to the television was welcome. To this day, I am a Packer fan thanks to Vince Lombardi. His team seemed to be winning all the time when I was a kid or teen. The other remarkable thing about him was that he never had a losing season in the NFL. Imagine that. Not many people can mark each year as a winner. Also, he seemed to do this with integrity and earn the loyalty of his players.
Families often work to instill integrity in their members. Integrity is a complicated concept. Of course, the basis is honesty, but the real meaning goes deeper. Having a strong sense of moral principles is the foundation of integrity. Moral principles are hard to find. Being ethical is complicated. To be ethical, one must be honest. Honesty requires not only knowledge of the culture but also knowledge of the self. We are capable of fooling ourselves and distorting our senses. That makes honesty a true challenge. Being ethical also means being fair, and that is another complication. How can we consider different perspectives and give each its due weight?
Integrity can also be silent. Doing the right thing when no one is watching, and no one will ever know, is a challenge. This is truly a concept of you relating to you.
Even though we are born connected and raised in the context of others, we still must stand alone and decide for ourselves who we will be.
Want to explore more about family dynamics and emotional growth? Visit Psychology Today’s article on how family shapes emotional life and Greater Good’s guide to how families build integrity and resilience.
If you’re reflecting on family, identity, or emotional patterns this season, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and grounded self-understanding.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
