Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Why the Boy You Once Were Still Shapes the Man You Are Adult Identity

What would the eight-year-old boy you were think of you now?

Where were you at age eight? What surrounded you? Who influenced you most then? Would you want to revisit—or relive—that time?

Eight-year-olds mark a pivotal point in life. They possess significant family memories and are still sensitive, with a sense of place, belonging, and rich recollections of people and attachments that shape their emotional history.

Your eight-year-old self is a powerful place to begin when exploring your emotional history. At that age, you had family, school, and community contexts that shaped your identity. The experiences of this stage are formative and establish a sense of self that can endure for decades.

Were you the outstanding student? The class clown? The fast runner? The cute guy? The tough guy? These labels tend to stick and influence us long after childhood ends.

One man I worked with remembers a magic set he received for his birthday—he used it to entertain his family for years. Another recalls being old enough to serve as a laborer for his father, acting as the household handyman. Another has a vivid memory of going to bed with a toy rifle every night as a protective object—keeping him safe from monsters and, likely, from his father as well.

Examining your eight-year-old self sharpens your understanding of your emotional history. The contexts and labels from this stage shape your lasting sense of self, influencing how you view yourself and how you relate to others.

Change is possible, but once a label is established, it embeds itself deeply. Perhaps you were the pudgy kid in class, but now, as a grown man, you have the body of an Iron Man—yet still think of yourself as the outcast who was teased. You may hyperfocus on physique, obsess over your appearance, and even project that focus onto your wife and children. They may not understand why it matters so much, and you may not either—until you revisit that elementary school boy who felt ostracized and shamed.

Once established, childhood labels influence adult behavior and self-perception. Revisiting your eight-year-old self helps explain enduring obsessions, insecurities, and emotional patterns rooted in memories from this formative time.

Your eight-year-old self continues to shape your present. Reflecting on how childhood memories and labels influence your thoughts, feelings, and actions reveals how your past now undermines—or drives—you.

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and the psychology of early experience, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are curious about how your childhood continues to shape your adult life, therapy can help you understand the roots of your emotional patterns and begin meaningful change. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight, healing, and growth.

What Spring Gardens Teach Us About Childhood, Resilience, and Emotional Growth

The garden is a great place for thinking. You can go there as often as you want. Things change every day and every week. You can look forward to what comes next, enjoy new growth, or deal with new problems.

Our garden is just coming to life after the winter. As I reflect on this, I notice that spring cannot decide whether to stay. Temperatures fluctuate between early winter and early spring. I imagine little flower shoots confused and hurt by the volatility—much like children in an unstable household. One day, the parents are kind and engaging. The next day, they are cruel and raging.

Some garden plants are hardy and adapt to the ups and downs of the weather. The rose bush, tender and small, has not survived, but the clematis stands strong and determined. I am grateful for its resilience and vibrant blooms, especially as the vine flourishes in midspring.

Families can be unpredictable, and children absorb these experiences. As they grow, the wounds from early conflict remain with them. Stress at home shapes their relationships, whether they realize it or not. I’ve heard men talk about violence between their parents as if it were a movie unrelated to them. But violence at home is not easy to ignore. Like frost harms plants, violence quiets parts of us—and that history affects the present.

The garden is also shaped by its past. When preparing the soil, we had to add bags of peat to the heavy clay. Clay is good for staying firm and providing stability, but it is not good for growing soft, delicate plants. Their roots cannot penetrate the hardness, so they give up. The peat was needed—many bags of it. At some point, we decided it was enough. But now, I worry the plants wish we had added more.

Young children need tenderness, careful attention, and interest instilled in them to grow and thrive. The hardness of some parents leads to fear of relationships and rigidity within them. Like clay soil, these children are robbed of the nutrients necessary for emotional growth and connection. They need a ton of peat to open up.

For more reflections on emotional development, childhood experiences, and the psychology of resilience, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how your own early environment shaped your emotional life—or noticing patterns that feel rooted in childhood—therapy can help you understand and transform those foundations. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional healing, resilience, and growth.

Adirondack Chairs: Memory, Muscle, and the Magic of Sitting Still

Adirondack chairs aren’t just furniture, they’re invitations to pause, reflect, and connect. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how a simple chair can evoke summer memories, family stories, and the joy of staying put.

You know these chairs. You see them on beaches, the porches of resorts, and people’s summer decks. They come in bright colors or muted wood tones. They are big and heavy.

As winter approaches, why in the world am I thinking of Adirondack chairs? Brains are amusing things. They hold our memories and can toss pieces of history into the present with ease.

You know what I mean. You have probably woken from a dream and wondered, why in the world did my brain fish out that memory to throw into the night? Perhaps you found yourself floating in a pool, the warmth of the sun beating down, feeling like you could float there forever. Maybe that means there will be a break in this workload that has been plaguing you. Or perhaps you are back in middle school and can’t find your way to class, and no one will help you. There’s that workload again, only this time the uncertainty of success is looming. Maybe you are standing before the dessert tray at a banquet, unable to decide which sweet treat to try, since they are all perfect little morsels and you want to taste each one before deciding.

Oh heck, I have gone way off track. Back to the chairs.

The shape of this chair is inviting. However, once you sink into it, you may find it challenging to get out. The seat’s slope puts you close to the ground, and your knees end up in the air. The position is quite comfortable, but getting up from it requires strong abdominal muscles. If you look around at your friends and family, those may be hard to spot. Once in, though, maybe you don’t want to get out.

You can kick off your shoes or flip-flops and dig your toes into the sand. The arms are wide enough to hold a cool drink. If your partner has been clever, they’ve drilled a small hole into the arm to keep one of those spiral cup holders, so you never have to worry about losing your drink to the sand. Additionally, you rarely find a single Adirondack chair. They almost always come in groups or clusters, with space for friends and family to join you.

Eventually, the stories turn to funny tales of vacations past, the silly things your cousins have done, or how some distant relative ended up in jail after riding a tractor onto the football field. No, really. Relatives do these kinds of things.

If you stay long enough, someone will build a bonfire, and you can roast marshmallows if your stick is long enough, because trust me, you are not getting out of that chair.

Want to explore how memory, relaxation, and shared rituals support emotional health? Visit Psychology Today’s article on rest and reminiscence and Greater Good’s guide to how shared experiences build relationships.

If you’re reflecting on memory, family connection, or emotional rest, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, connection, and emotional ease.

WISE OLDER WOMAN

Guidance, Courage, and the Quiet Power of Seeking Wisdom

She’s not just a character in folklore—she’s a mirror of your own readiness. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how the archetype of the wise older woman invites us to risk vulnerability, seek transformation, and embrace the challenge of growth.

Where do you find one? When do you need one?

Several cultures have the tradition of consulting a wise older woman. Often, this woman is shrouded in mystery and set apart from the group. Visiting her requires courage and a willingness to journey outside one’s comfort zone.

The wise older woman was powerful and would often test your strength and sincerity before issuing her advice. After all, you had to prove worthy of the advice. Risking the visit was insufficient; you had to pass the test of trust. Were you worthy of this advice? Could you handle the tough stuff? The wise woman was not a vending machine. Her wisdom would not be offered until you could prove that you would accept the advice.

You had to trust yourself. In making the journey, you were taking a risk. As you moved forward, you would face doubt. You would ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Do I need help? What if I can’t handle it? How will I cope? Various questions accompanied you on your journey. The journey was challenging, testing your commitment and willingness to seek wisdom and apply it.

One of the reasons that the wise woman was a journey away was to test your sincerity. Every culture has had a wise older woman who could be trusted to see you clearly and understand your capabilities. The journey tests your sincerity and willingness to accept advice. Throughout life, we are given advice. Our families seem eager to provide us with direction and even pressure us to move in their direction. The choice to seek out the wise woman is entirely different.

At that point, we have decided to place ourselves in the hands of another. This act of “leaning in,” knowing that we must find a way to follow the advice, takes courage and trust. Trusting another human being with our deepest longings and fears is an act of courage. Traveling to the wise woman takes fortitude. Accepting the direction of the wise woman takes trust. We are being tested, and simultaneously, we are being empowered as we receive the challenge.

Empowerment is a quiet experience. Purpose and intent soak into our souls. Often, we are challenged to squeeze out this courage and use it in ways that frighten us and strengthen us. Sage advice is usually hard to execute. Yet, the freedom that comes as you do is genuinely delicious.

Want to explore how the wise older woman archetype empowers transformation? Visit Judith Stafford’s reflections on reclaiming the wise woman, Symbolism Hub’s guide to the wise old woman in folklore, and The Shakti School’s insights on aging and empowerment.

If you’re reflecting on mentorship, emotional courage, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and empowerment.

Why Every Ending Is Also a Beginning

What comes to mind when you think of graduation? How many times have you graduated? And how many milestones still lie ahead?

Before looking forward, it helps to reflect on the graduations you’ve already experienced.

Today, graduations are celebrated for many things. I remember hearing about a preschool graduation and thinking, “What is the world coming to?”

The milestone graduations I remember most are high school and college. High school marks the culmination of twelve years of maturing, changing, and finally reaching the finish line. A first grader does not think about high school — unless you have a very unusual first grader. If so, that child is likely to sprint rather than run the marathon.

Twelve years is a long time, and the journey is worth celebrating. You have worked hard — or not. You have had success — or not. You have changed in ways you could not have imagined at the beginning.

Your brain has changed. Your body has changed. You are not the same person who started this marathon.

And yes, the first twelve years of education are a marathon.

There is some preparation at the start. Your parents taught you colors and numbers, and hopefully how to be polite to grown‑ups. Though I’ve heard that some children now enter first grade without knowing their colors or numbers. Help.

Midway through, your body undergoes dramatic changes. Uncertainty follows, but such change is normal. A college friend once said she spent a summer “growing in bed.” Adapting to these changes — physical and mental — is essential, though brain development is a topic for another day. Ideally, you now embrace your new body and have challenged it. Maybe you’ve built muscle, experimented with style, and adjusted your wardrobe.

High school graduation is a milestone. From here, you can go in many directions: college, the armed services, the labor force, volunteer organizations, gap years, or study abroad. You have choices, and hopefully one of them will launch you out of the nest and into the world.

Some will not make it and will return to the nest for a relaunch. Sadly, a few will not make it at all.

This launch is one of many. Graduation marks transitions — college, work, relationships, and new journeys. Each graduation leads to another.

For more reflections on life transitions, identity, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating a transition — or preparing for a new “graduation” in your own life — therapy can help you understand the emotions, expectations, and possibilities that come with change. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and growth.

How Simple Creations Like A Cootie Catcher Reveal Memory, Meaning, and the Power of Imagination

Do you know what a “cootie catcher” is?

Your brain may be wondering why that memory surfaced — and that’s exactly the point. The mind stores experiences in surprising places. Something you encountered decades ago can lie dormant, then suddenly leap into the present without warning. That is the story of the cootie catcher. It simply appeared.

These little creations are folded miracles. How can a single sheet of paper become a cone-like device with hidden hinges, secret messages, and finger‑powered movement? How? Ask a kid. Truly — ask a kid. They know. They always know.

And somehow, these paper devices promise to predict your future.

Their origin is likely Japanese or perhaps English, though the connection to origami makes Japan the stronger candidate. The art of folding paper into intricate designs is beautiful, and the cootie catcher’s history dates back to the 17th century. The word “cootie” may be related to “kutu,” meaning a dog trick — though how it came to imply catching imaginary bugs remains a mystery. What matters is the delight: a simple square of paper creating mystery, laughter, and connection.

Often, the simplest things we do carry the most meaning for those around us.

When my father was seriously ill in the hospital, I made origami birds and placed them around the room and on his bed. Their sense of flight, lightness, and color brought comfort to our family and the nursing staff. Soon, the nurses began tucking them into the curtain rail above the bed. Before long, the room felt filled with wings.

Our imaginations unfold in ways that create beauty, lightness, and even strength.

The cootie catcher also goes by chatterbox, whirlybird, or salt cellar — the last name reflecting how the origami figure first appeared in the United States. In the 1928 book Fun with Paper Folding, the “salt cellar” was shown inverted from how we use it today. The points became legs, and the finger spaces opened to hold and pour salt.

One simple fold. Endless possibilities.

For more reflections on memory, creativity, and the psychology of simple joys, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how childhood memories, imagination, or small moments shape your emotional life, therapy can help you understand and deepen those connections. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight, resilience, and growth.

What Childhood Fields, Forest Floors, and Vanishing Forests Teach Us

Yesterday, I heard a speaker talk about flower arranging for large banquets and public spaces. As the complicated designs flashed on the screen, I found myself thinking about the fields of flowers I remember from childhood. Driving down a country road, you would inevitably come across a field or wooded area where the ground was covered with wildflowers. No one planted them. Their seeds traveled on the wind, carried from one bloom to the next as each completed its life cycle.

If you are lucky enough to live near a wooded area, you may have walked among the trees and seen the variety of wildflowers carpeting the forest floor. Lily of the Valley was my favorite as a little girl — tiny bells dangling from bent stems, moving ever so slightly under the weight of the blossom. The scent was a sweet lemon with a hint of soap.

Virginia bluebells are also lovely. They are prolific in Virginia, and Thomas Jefferson even referenced them in his writing. They begin as pink buds and shift to blue as they open. Their scent is light and sweet, and they tend to cluster together like any Southern family.

I also love many of the larger wildflowers — coneflowers, wild daisies, and lupines. Lupines stand tall, announcing their presence with spikes of blue blossoms swaying in the breeze. And I have always appreciated that Lady Bird Johnson championed the planting of wildflowers along the Interstate Highways. Sprinting down the highway becomes a delight as you try to identify the colorful display as you pass.

When was the last time you took a walk in the woods?

Unfortunately, the woods are slowly disappearing. Deforestation is increasing as global food demand rises. Forests are being cleared for large-scale industrial crops — soybeans, cattle operations, and other agricultural expansions. As the world population grows, the need for food increases. Soon, we may find ourselves in a crowded world without the ecosystems that sustain us.

Global forests provide life-sustaining ecosystems for all of us. As we remove them, we risk our own extinction.

You may not realize the critical role forests play. They recycle nutrients and produce oxygen — the very thing we need to breathe. Forests are the “lungs” of the world. We have already lost one-third of this protective forest cover, and there are no plans to replace it. Imagine removing one-third of your own lungs. Breathing would become nearly impossible. We would each be trailing an oxygen tank.

Not only have we lost the habitat for wildflowers — we have also lost the habitat for ourselves.

For more reflections on nature, memory, and the psychology of environmental connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how environmental loss, childhood memories, or the natural world shape your emotional life, therapy can help you understand and integrate those experiences. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional clarity, resilience, and connection.

WHAT IS WORTH DOING, EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FAIL?

Risk, Purpose, and the Quiet Power of Courage

Failure isn’t the opposite of success—it’s often the path to it. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how meaningful risk-taking stretches our emotional capacity, deepens our purpose, and invites us to live more fully.

We all set goals for ourselves. Writing this blog is one of my goals. Collecting 52 blogs into a journal book was another one of my goals, which I have now completed. Another is finishing a book about raising boys with access to the full range of their feelings. Every hour that I spend with a client has a goal at the outset: to listen and guide the client to learn more about themselves and, in so doing, build understanding that leads to skills that will translate into beneficial action. These goals have been chosen with an eye to my expertise, leading me to expect success. The question above is very different.

If I expect failure, will I do it anyway? Will I risk failure? Reflecting on that is truly sobering.

Most of us take risks that I call safe.

When we truly risk failure, what drives the process?

Contemplating that question requires a deep dive into my psyche. Who am I? How can I discern a serious risk? Oh, of course, there are things I would never attempt, like walking a tightrope between the Twin Towers. The man who did that has an entirely different makeup from me. But what is my equivalent challenge?
Let’s examine the elements of such a challenge. First, it has to be within the range of my physical capability. If I am in a wheelchair, I am not doing the tightrope.

Second, it has to stretch my abilities to the limit. Philippe Petit, a tightrope walker, had the skill set to attempt a walk between the Twin Towers. He also had the experience of studying the elements of such a feat and planning carefully. Third, I must have a motive for placing this challenge before me. I need a reason to sustain the planning and motivation. So, taking on a challenge is serious business. Fourth, I have to be willing to risk failure, which can sometimes mean risking death.

Amelia Earhart comes to mind immediately. She was a financially comfortable woman, committed to a relationship, successful professionally, and well-known as a supporter of women’s causes. Her life looks fulfilling and influential. Yet, she takes on the challenge of a solo flight around the world. Being the first woman to accomplish this was her big enough “why” and she had the skill set. The task certainly challenged her to the limit. Despite her failure, she is admired for her attempt. She is a model for other women to take risks and set challenging goals.

What is worth doing, even if you think you might fail?

Want to explore how risk-taking fuels emotional growth and resilience? Visit UW Medicine’s guide to learning from failure, A Conscious Rethink’s reflections on risk and regret, and BetterUp’s strategies for taking risks that pay off.

If you’re reflecting on courage, purpose, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and bold living.

What Our Gardens Reveal About Memory and Meaning

Have you ever thought that your gardener friends are telling stories? As I look at the gardens in the yards throughout my neighborhood and town, I can see a collection of stories being told.

Some garden beds are laid out in strict rows, with flowers rising in ascending heights, all the way up to the azaleas that dot this world. The low growers come first, hugging the ground and wandering around: Ajuga, Bellflowers, Vinca, Lily of the Valley. They offer beautiful color and luscious scent while barely leaving the ground.

Then come the bulbs. Daffodils appear in a stunning range of shapes and colors. Did you know there are at least 32,000 registered varieties of daffodils? Imagine planting each one in your yard. Then there are the irises, with their tall stems and elegant blooms—many of them fragrant, delighting the nose as much as the eye.

Add some Delphiniums or Foxgloves for height and drama, and maybe even a few Hollyhocks. I love those in particular because you can use the blooms to create little dolls with flowing skirts.

And of course, everything must be topped off with azalea bushes. They are gorgeous and come in so many colors. You can choose a theme or mix them all together. Trim them into shape or let them go wild. They delight the eye regardless.

Some gardens, however, are wonderfully chaotic. I pass a home where the entire front yard is a jumble of flowers. There is no order, no coordination. It looks as though a flower cart exploded, scattering seeds everywhere. Yet I find it delightful.

Flowers say, “Welcome. I’m glad you stopped by.” Yes, they require work and attention. You may need to fertilize them, thin them out, or replace the ones the bunnies dig up or the deer nip off. But those are small nuisances compared to the beauty, scent, and joy that flowers bring.

Flowers mark occasions. A wedding would not be the same without the bridal bouquet and pew decorations. A birthday bouquet always brings a smile. And Mother’s Day practically demands flowers—perhaps even an orchid. The beauty of the orchid is that it will continue to grow and rebloom, offering beauty again and again.

Flowers make a statement. They say, “Welcome,” “I love you,” or “I miss you.” They deliver warmth, as though the person just stepped in the door and will stay for a cup of tea. They bring back memories and project us into the future. They tell of our past and accompany us into our future, even to the end.

For more reflections on meaning, memory, and emotional connection, explore Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring the stories your own life is telling—or noticing how past experiences shape your present—therapy can help you understand and deepen those connections. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional clarity, healing, and growth.