Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Procreation, Provision, Protection, and the Emotional Disconnect

Manhood has long been defined by three cultural imperatives: procreation, provision, and protection. But what happens when these roles discourage emotional connection? For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how traditional expectations shape men’s relationships, and how we can rewrite the script.

Procreation, Provision, Protection

Welcome to manhood. These are your jobs.

I am reminded of the beginning of a mystery show: Your assignment, should you choose to accept it. This introduction is from “Mission Impossible”. It could be a good description of the role of boys and men in society.

Procreation can be done with or without an emotional connection.

Provision requires choosing to distance yourself from emotional connection.

Protection means turning away from others to confront a threat.

What have I just described? Men are assigned by the culture to move away from relationships to fulfill the expectations of the culture.

Now, doesn’t that sound bizarre? They are assigned to preserve the culture, which means family, relationships, and institutions that support people. Everything they are expected to protect requires dynamic interaction with others. However, the skill set that we expect them to master requires denying their need for interaction with others.

Men can make babies without an emotional connection to the female, and that does happen with regularity. Men support women and children by going out of the home to earn a living to support the home. Men leave home to join other groups in learning how to protect the community and the country.

Then we wonder why they can’t be more emotionally available, emotionally understanding, or emotionally caring. Give me a break!
If we want our men to be fully functional emotionally, we have to change our expectations and our connections to our men.

I often work with couples who desire to change their connection and have emotional conversations that support and validate each other. They want to have sexual relationships that are fun and deeply meaningful. After all, sex is the way adults play! It should be fun and meaningful. They want to problem-solve together and be equally aware of the issues facing their partner.

Does any of this sound like the 3 P’s? No.

If we want our futures to be healthier and happier, we have to learn how to connect and not just protect.

Want to explore how cultural expectations shape masculinity? Visit The Art of Manliness’ review of the 3 P’s of manhood, Abundance No Limits’ breakdown of provision, protection, and preparation, and Halos Counseling’s take on the 3 P’s of healthy relationships.

If you’re reflecting on emotional connection, gender roles, or relationship growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, empathy, and relational clarity.

The Hidden Emotional Cost of Growing Up Alone in a Digital World

I write this for the numerous 20‑somethings who consistently tell me they spent their childhoods playing video games alone in their rooms.

The imagery is heartbreaking, but the social and emotional consequences are life altering.

They come into therapy because they cannot find their way in this world. Yes, they went to college. And they probably played more video games there. But they cannot find their way after college. Yes, they picked a major and completed it, but they find it has little real‑world application. No one is asking them to analyze poetry, throw clay pots, or take a deep dive into political science.

What has happened?

Video games are fascinating and addictive. You must work to compete and reach the next level. You must be quick at making choices, and your reflexes are all important. Your focus is sharpened as you play, and your visual processing improves with each game. You will find yourself multitasking quickly. Because the stimuli are coming at you quickly, your brain produces more dopamine. You might want to slow down, but the dopamine hit can become addictive.

What happens when dopamine is overused?

Like any resource, it can be depleted. You will not ever really run out of the stuff because your body produces it, but intense stimulation causes dopamine to spike, leading to a type of “crash” or brain fog as your body resupplies itself. These dopamine surges are stressful on your brain and body. They can also become addictive. As your dopamine spikes and the feeling of excitement or euphoria peaks, you feel empowered, and you want to have that feeling again. The fact that the high is followed by a low is tolerated in order to experience the high again.

The other thing that gets lost in the fray is impulse control. Suddenly, you are ready to take other kinds of risks as well. Feeling high can have a downside.

You will experience a period of dopamine depletion as your body makes more of the chemical. That “down” can be tricky to manage and will leave you vulnerable to poor decision‑making and impaired impulse control. While the game may be exciting, the aftermath can be debilitating and risky. You do not have to be a video game player to experience this effect. Scrolling through social media can have the same effect.

Extreme fatigue and brain fog can set in while your dopamine stores are replenished.

Explore related reflections:
dopamine and behavior
digital overstimulation
young adult emotional health

If you are navigating overwhelm, emotional disconnection, or the long‑term effects of digital isolation, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

EXERCISE

Body Movement, Mental Clarity, and the Case for Making Time

Exercise isn’t just physical—it’s mental, emotional, and creative. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how movement supports not only health but insight, problem-solving, and emotional resilience.

Have you had your annual physical? Do you get a yearly physical? An annual check-up is an excellent idea, and as you age, you will discover that the questions tend to repeat. What are you doing for exercise? How often are you doing it?

OK! I know exercise is good for me and that my body will be grateful for the attention. But do you realize how difficult this really is? My day is already busy, and I can only imagine what the day of a younger person is like.

How does one fit exercise into the herding of children getting off to school while you are getting dressed for a Board meeting? Or the planning of lunches and meals while answering calls from the principal, not to mention the ritual call to mom and dad? Then you have to transport each child to after-school activities and attend the practice so you can talk about it on the way home. You have business calls to return in the evening, plans to develop for the next day, or an entire proposal to complete, ensuring the next contract is secure.

I mean, really. Who has time to exercise? Plus, don’t you get enough exercise chasing your kids around or traveling from office to office during the day? OK, I hear you.

Yet you are missing the point. Exercise is not just for your body. Sure, your muscles will benefit, and you will get stronger and have more energy. Your muscle mass will increase, and your physician will stop nagging you. So those benefits alone should make it worth it.

The other benefit is that your brain will have time to roam around.

This form of roaming is actually healthy. When you are exercising, your brain is free to wander as long as you watch out for cars if you are walking, uneven sidewalks if you are running, and random flying weights if you are in the gym.

Our brains need time to wander and reflect. They reorganize things and come up with new ideas for solving problems. They fondly recall fun times with the family during vacations, such as when a windstorm ripped their tent apart in the rain. They solve problems that you have been puzzling over for days or weeks. They find things that you have been hunting for, like, where did I leave that extra key for the front door? Suddenly, they make the next step obvious. They generate plans and invent things that could make you famous.

Your brain is fascinating. This organ works in the background all the time, recording things you notice but may ignore. Then, just at the right moment, your brain presents an idea or a solution that you have been hunting for over several days.

Given all of this, isn’t exercise worth the time?

Want to explore how movement supports mental clarity and emotional health? Visit Harvard Health’s guide to exercise and mood and Psychology Today’s article on how exercise boosts cognition.

If you’re navigating stress, burnout, or emotional overwhelm, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, energy, and emotional resilience.

Featured Interview with Stacey Chillemi

Hello,

I wanted to share a recent interview I participated in with Stacey Chillemi titled The Real Reason You Snap at the People You Love.

One of the central themes of this conversation is that many of our strongest reactions are not solely about what is happening in the present moment. Often, today’s disappointments, conflicts, and misunderstandings activate emotional experiences that were formed much earlier in life.

Throughout nearly five decades of clinical work, I have observed that people frequently believe they have moved beyond their childhood experiences, only to discover that old patterns continue to influence their relationships, self‑perception, and responses to stress.

In this interview, we explore:

• Why reactions sometimes feel bigger than the situation itself
• How early experiences become emotional templates that continue into adulthood
• Why a difficult day at work can unexpectedly become conflict at home
• The difference between asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and “What happened to me?”
• How curiosity opens the door to understanding and growth
• Why memories are often stored in images, sensations, and actions rather than words alone
• Gentle ways to begin exploring old experiences without becoming overwhelmed
• How healing old patterns creates healthier relationships for ourselves and future generations

One of the most important messages from this conversation is that understanding our history gives us choices. When we can identify the experiences that shaped us, we gain greater freedom in how we respond to the present.

You can read the full interview here:
The Real Reason You Snap at the People You Love

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and healing early patterns, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating old emotional patterns, relationship challenges, or the impact of early wounds, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

The Endless Adventure of Making a House Work — Renovating Again

How many of you have been through this? Renovation can range from redoing a corner of a room to adding square footage to your house. We have done it all. And for some reason, we are at it again.

One would think we should not have bought this house — and they would probably be right. Looking back, getting here was a mystery. Moving cities is a chore, let alone finding the right house. In retrospect, I blame our old house for making us choose this one. Our old house was perfect: a lovely colonial on a tree‑lined street, neatly organized rooms, a coveted wrap‑around screened porch, and a huge yard with mature trees. We thought we would be planted there forever. Until…

The move was necessary. Fortunately, our grown daughter already lived in the city, which helped. After arriving, we toured condos, row houses, and individual homes, but without much enthusiasm. It felt like a temporary stop, so we barely cared. Even a tent might have sufficed.

After some searching, we toured this house with our daughter. The corner lot was nice. The house was a post‑war build — solid but small. One walkthrough, and we sat on the front steps with our daughter, who said she liked it. One should never buy a house because your daughter says she likes it. But we did.

Only after buying the house did we start asking questions. Was there a first‑floor bathroom? Did anyone add that in the post‑war world? Was there space for a washer and dryer, or just a clothesline as the post‑war mother likely had? Would our car fit in the tiny one‑car garage? Was there a pantry off the kitchen? Did it have a kitchen? Really.

As we settled in, more surprises emerged. Guess what? The kitchen had four doors, leaving little or no space for anything else. Now that is hard to accomplish. Oh — and the refrigerator was in the garage, and somehow we missed that.

So began our renovation journey. First, we added a kitchen. Then came a deck off the kitchen, which meant weatherproofing and screening in the space below. Next, we enclosed the side porch off the living room, and while at it, expanded the master bedroom above. We added a side driveway for easier access to the lower level. Finally, we put up a wall to level out the backyard, since no swing set would have ever worked on the original steep slope.

Now we are gutting and redoing the basement rec room.

I think we are done.

For more reflections on home, memory, and the psychology of place, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating life transitions, home changes, or the emotional weight of uprooting and resettling, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, adaptation, and emotional steadiness.

Sunday and The Music, the Mood, and the Mystery of One Powerful Day

The Mamas and the Papas sang “Monday, Monday,” a lovely little song. But I prefer Sunday songs, and there are a lot of them.

Kris Kristofferson sings of waking up drunk and making things worse. Maroon 5 are struggling to find their place in life. The Commodores are leaving a love behind. Etta James wants a love that lasts.

What is it about Sunday that moves these musicians so?

Some people view Sunday as the end. The weekend is coming to a close, and the prospects for Monday morning are not looking good. Some people treat Sunday as the beginning. Sunday starts the week, and all sorts of potential lie before them in a new week.

Which are you?

Are you winding down or gearing up?

Funny how one single day can have such power over us. Many of you are dressing up and heading to church. Others are heading out to have fun after being quietly contemplative through Shabbat.

What are your plans for Sunday?

I actually have an exercise class in the middle of the day. What was I thinking! I could be lounging on the porch or relaxing with friends and good conversations. Instead, I am sweating in a gym and taking a shower.

As the day heads to a close, what are you thinking? Will the morning bring excitement? Perhaps the brilliant idea that came to you in the early Sunday morning will now see the light of day with your boss. You have discovered a way to save the company money, and you are eager to share it. Perhaps you are heading back to school with a sour feeling in your stomach as you face the reality of doing sums with a brain that keeps bouncing around to other topics. Perhaps you are heading off to that end-of-summer vacation that you have been anticipating and are excited about doing nothing, absolutely nothing.

Whatever awaits you on this Sunday evening, I hope it brings you a Sunday Best, just like the upbeat song by Surfaces!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted music and culture sources:
Billboard – Music & Culture
NPR Music
Rolling Stone – Music

If you are navigating emotional transitions, stress, or the rhythm of weekly life, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

The Unexpected Joy of What Turns Up When Life Makes You Look

What came to mind when you saw that word—finding? Maybe you thought of HomeGoods, the store full of lovely things you don’t need but somehow end up buying because they are cute, sweet, or simply interesting. But that’s not where my mind went.

Instead, I was thinking about a recent experience triggered by the need to repaint a room. Preparing the space meant moving furniture, clearing closets, and rolling up rugs—tasks that led to surprising discoveries. Remember that tiny screwdriver you lost months ago? Despite searching everywhere, it was nowhere to be found… until now, tucked under the carpet and so embedded it seemed woven into the backing. And the earring you loved and mourned? It had somehow worked its way into the zipper of the rocking‑chair cushion. How does that even happen?

These unexpected finds reminded me of a story about cleaning out my friend’s grandmother’s house. Her grandmother was a hoarder. If you’ve never seen a hoarder’s home, you cannot imagine it. If you save every magazine you receive for thirty years, where do they go? They stack on the floor, filling every inch of space, with narrow aisles carved out so you can still reach the couch to watch TV—flanked by even larger magazine towers. And that’s just the living room.

The cleaning task was overwhelming, but my friend and her relatives knew treasures might be hidden in the chaos. And they were right. They found piles of cash beneath stacks of old clothing in the hall closet and a gorgeous diamond engagement ring stuffed in a plastic bag in the bottom drawer of a bureau. And those were only a few examples.

I am not advocating hoarding, but these stories do show that sorting and thoroughness can pay off. Ideally, this kind of tidying would happen regularly. But like many people, I find that reorganizing rarely makes it to the top of my to‑do list amid daily demands. Still, repainting turned up interesting finds—a reminder that reviewing and sorting can be unexpectedly rewarding.

Yet despite these reminders, I doubt the lesson will stick. Everyday life is too interesting—or too demanding—to set aside time regularly for rummaging through the past. I will likely wait until a big event, like redecorating or handling a loss, forces a deeper dive.

For more reflections on memory, meaning, and the psychology of everyday life, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating transitions, sorting through the past, or seeking clarity about what to keep and what to release, therapy can offer grounding and perspective. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight, resilience, and renewal.

A Featured Conversation on the Growth Room Podcast

Good to see you,

I recently joined the Growth Room Podcast for a thoughtful conversation about the ways our earliest experiences continue to influence our emotions, relationships, confidence, and personal growth.

Many of us spend years trying to change our behaviors without fully understanding where those patterns began. Yet the experiences that shape us, especially in childhood, often continue to guide how we see ourselves and connect with others long into adulthood.

In this conversation, we explore why understanding your past is not about staying stuck there. It is about gaining the insight needed to move forward with greater freedom, self‑awareness, and intention.

In our conversation, we discuss:

• How childhood experiences shape confidence and emotional development
• Why certain relationship patterns repeat throughout life
• The importance of understanding the stories we carry
• How self-awareness creates opportunities for lasting growth
• Why emotional healing begins with curiosity, not judgment
• Practical ways to better understand yourself and your relationships

Whether you are feeling stuck, questioning old patterns, or simply looking to better understand yourself, I hope this conversation offers encouragement, insight, and hope.

Listen to the full episode:
How Your Past Shapes Your Present — Growth Room Podcast

Rooting for your growth,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

For more reflections on identity, emotional development, and the impact of early experiences, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating old patterns, emotional transitions, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

Why Seasonal Change Still Tugs at Us Long After Childhood

Ahh. Summer is over, and fall is attempting to appear. However, with global warming, fall may be delayed as the heat continues to wrap around the block. The end of summer and the return to school mark a cycle that repeats annually, but I never seem to be ready for the change. I am no longer a school student, so what does it matter? I work the same schedule in summer, fall, winter, and spring, so what does it matter? Ah, but it does matter. It matters a great deal. The fact that school started so young and went on for decades explains why my body and brain react to this transition every year.

Going back to school is going back to order, serious endeavors, new and older kids, new adults in charge, expectations of performance, new and old social endeavors, challenges in and out of the classroom. We could do away with school someday. Each year, a smart chip will be embedded in your brain, and it will have everything you need for the year ahead. Then the school building will remain empty year-round. Perhaps they’ll tear it down or turn it into a rec center with fun things to do, like playing games, weaving cloth, or painting murals.

I so want to hang onto summer, when you can ride a bike, splash in the pool, put your toes in the sand, build sandcastles, read a book of your choice, or laze around. Will summer ever last?

Let go; I must. The days will shorten. The morning will be dark. The season will change.

Don’t you see how hard letting go is?

We are not trained for this. We are built to hang on. Think about it. We are born hanging on! When we learn to ride a bike or pump a swing, our parents are yelling, “Hang on.” Come on! Whose idea was this? What can I salvage from that sweet summer and carry with me?

Oh! I have the shells that we collected along the beach. Some of them are quite interesting. I particularly like the summers when a big storm has hit the shore, as it brings all kinds of creatures and shells to the beach. Big ones and small ones that would never find their way to the shore in any other way. A basket in the hallway is filled with these treasures. A conch shell the size of my hand. A lustrous black piece, fragile and veined with silver, sits on the edge of the basket. A couple of light pink beauties sit on top of the others, as they clamor for center stage. Then there is the piece of driftwood on the porch. We hauled that back on the plane, believe it or not. My favorite is the rock shaped like a slice of pie with an egg-crate top, as though it held dinosaur eggs a billion years ago. I hauled that one out of Lake Michigan in the late summer.

Looks like I do not have to let go of summer, after all!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted nature and seasonal‑living resources:
Farmer’s Almanac – Seasonal Living
Rock Creek Park – National Park Service
National Weather Service

If you are navigating seasonal transitions, emotional shifts, or the bittersweet rhythm of change, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.