Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Insight, Autonomy, and the Roots of Real Transformation

Change isn’t a favor—it’s a journey. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores why lasting transformation begins with personal insight, not external pressure, and how understanding our emotional history unlocks authentic growth.

Have you ever asked a friend, family member, or spouse to change their behavior or attitude? You really want them to do this. The change would ease your mind, improve your experience, and save you time, energy, or worry.

They hear your request and seem to understand the motivation behind it. If you’re fortunate, they may even empathize and appreciate that you’ve made the request. They see the value in change and know that the dynamic between the two of you will improve.

Then you wait.

And you wait.

Sorry. You asked, they said they would, but they cannot do it. They know it makes sense. They know you will be more relaxed if they make the change. They can see a benefit to making the change. They still can’t do it.

What is happening?

We are capable of change, and often we spend time developing ways to change and improve ourselves. Sometimes we spend money on change. Frequently, we devote time to change. Mainly, we change when we are ready to change.

Oh, it’s our marvelous brains again. This organ is such an interesting storage unit. I believe we keep everything and can clean out parts of our history when we put the time and energy into understanding the roots of specific thoughts and behaviors. Do you hear the message? Understanding happens when we do the work.

Sure, we want to please others. Many times, we will go out of our way to please another. When you look at these times, I believe you will see that we make changes when they make sense to us, not just because someone has asked for them.

In the latter case, we often try, fall back into old habits, and try again, but we are not really changing. We are placating. We do as the other asks because they asked and because they have some power that we respect or fear. The amount of time we can sustain the change depends on whether we respect or fear.

Neither of those is a fundamental change. Real changes come with insight. We understand how we developed that behavior, and we learn about the parts of ourselves that were well served by those behaviors. We learn to go deeper into our history and ask difficult questions about how we acquired certain behaviors, habits, and beliefs.

Then we can change. We change for ourselves, and those around us get the benefit. Changing for another does not seem to hold.

Want to explore how insight leads to lasting change? Visit Psychology Today’s article on self-directed change and Greater Good’s guide to lasting transformation.

If you’re navigating relational tension, emotional habits, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, autonomy, and emotional clarity.

MUSIC

Emotion, Memory, and the Case for Classroom Harmony

Music isn’t just entertainment—it’s nourishment. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how music shapes emotional wellbeing, cognitive function, and why its presence in schools is essential, not optional.

Our souls respond to music. The endless variety lets people find the tunes and rhythms that touch them deeply. We were born with an attraction to music. Some mothers-to-be even place headsets on their abdomens so their unborn babies can experience music. Within the brain, receptors for music are found throughout, and our music memory is truly stable. People with Alzheimer’s and other debilitating brain disorders still have memories of music, especially early nursery rhyme tunes.

I love a variety of music. I will spend money to hear a harpsichordist play. I have a Sonos playlist of classical music. I know all the lyrics to country songs from the ’60s, and when I was a teen, I also memorized every Beatles song. Of course, there are hymns that I know from church. I avoid heavy metal. Apologies to all of the heavy metal fans out there.

The point is that every one of us is musical. We come preprogrammed to seek out music and experience its nurturing qualities. Sit outside on a warm summer day and close your eyes—the music of nature or the music of the streets is all around you. Take a breath. Let the music settle around you. Pay attention to how your body responds. You were born to attend to and absorb music. Take time to experience the sounds around you.

Given the critical nature of music, why are our public schools systematically removing music from the curriculum? They claim that the cuts are necessary to meet the budget. I do appreciate that budget cuts require change. Yet, looking at the importance of music in our lives, I believe that finding ways to integrate music into the classroom is essential. Okay, the school saves money by not hiring the music teacher and not having instruments that students use. Of course, sheet music costs can mount up, but the choice to eliminate music is wrong.

Classrooms can find a way to integrate music into the curriculum. Playing music during an exam can calm a student’s anxiety and help the brain find information stored away. Incorporating music into the lecture can increase motivation and reduce anxiety. Inviting students to bring their instruments to play for the class can build confidence and appreciation for the skill and dedication necessary to master an instrument. Sitting on the playground, we notice the music of the world around us, which has value.

Are you still sitting outside? Have you noticed that your breathing and heart rate have changed? Music encourages the release of neurotransmitters that affect memory and emotion. The release of dopamine can regulate emotion, resulting in a reduction in anxiety as a sort of built-in mood regulator. Every student will benefit from that.

Want to explore how music supports emotional wellbeing and education? Visit Neuroscience News’ guide to music and student wellbeing, EducationHQ’s reflections on music as a wellbeing strategy, and Music Will’s insights on music education and mental health.

If you’re reflecting on emotional regulation, creativity, or educational equity, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and harmony.

Why This Dialogue Matters for Parents, Couples, and Anyone Raising Boys and Men’s Emotional Development

Today’s conversation is one I believe many families, couples, and parents will find both eye‑opening and deeply validating.

I recently joined Mr. Whiskey on the podcast Couple O’ Nukes to talk about men’s health through a lens that is often overlooked: emotional development. We explored how boys are conditioned from an early age, how that conditioning shapes men as husbands and fathers, and why emotional suppression does not simply disappear with time. It often shows up in the body, in stress responses, and in the way men navigate relationships.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why boys and girls are not emotionally identical in early development
• How messages like “boys don’t cry” narrow a boy’s emotional range
• The long‑term effects this has on marriage, parenting, and mental health
• Practical ways men can begin reconnecting with their emotional awareness
• How partners can create safer, deeper conversations rather than stopping at surface‑level “headlines”
• What parents can do right now to help boys build a healthy emotional vocabulary they won’t have to relearn later

We also talk about real‑world change, not theory. This includes simple, practical steps for men who want to grow emotionally and for couples who want stronger, more honest connection without judgment or avoidance.

If you are raising a boy, loving a man, or working to understand your own emotional patterns more clearly, I believe this conversation will resonate with you.

Listen to the full episode:
Men’s Emotional Development – Couple O’ Nukes Podcast

For more reflections on emotional development and healthy relationships, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you want to go deeper into emotional development—for yourself, your partner, or your family—therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional growth in men, couples, and families.

Thank you, as always, for continuing to engage in these important conversations.

RESISTANCE TRAINING: WHO KNEW?!

Weights, Willpower, and the Brain’s Unexpected Workout

Turns out, lifting more than your mood might just lift your memory. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how resistance training strengthens not only muscles but also cognitive function, emotional resilience, and longevity.

Today’s bit of news is that resistance training can prolong your life! Who knew?

First, let’s break this down. What is resistance training anyway? I thought I already had plenty of that in my life. I have taken to resisting sweets, though that requires oodles of discipline. The only real way to resist cookies and candies is not to buy them! Or make them! If they are in the house, they will be found. I am grateful for the occasional holiday as an excuse to order chocolate from my favorite vendor. They arrive in these lovely gold boxes with real silk ribbons around them. I devour the chocolate and save the ribbons to repurpose them to make sweet little packages for friends and family.

The younger members of my family tell me that resistance training has a completely different meaning involving weights, repetitions, and slow, steady movements. I do have a set of hand weights. Let me see. They are around here somewhere. A few boxes and drawers later, I find them stowed in a drawer under the couch. Perfect. Five pounds each. I guess I have been resisting them for a very long time.

Now, why was I searching for them? Oh, yes. Resistance training! These little 5-pound weights have a job to do. Slow, steady movement with a weight in each hand is supposed to help my brain improve its capacity to function as a storehouse of memories. I suppose these slow, steady movements are triggering my brain to hunt for something to think about so that I do not get bored to death. Yep, there it goes, searching to entertain me. Memories come tumbling out so that I will not go narcoleptic while making these slow, steady movements.

I don’t know who the winner is. The scientist who has been studying the decline of my brain and discovering that if it is challenged with weight resistance, it will respond by entertaining me with old stories, or the brain that tolerates this science and pulls out stories from as far back as early childhood. Oh, here is a good one. Uncle Johnie rarely leaves the farm and has come to town for Sunday dinner. I guess the cows take Sunday off. And before he leaves, he shoves his hands into his pockets full of coins, grabs handfuls, and throws them up the stairs. The children scramble to collect as many as possible before he waves goodbye and heads back ‘up country’. Who could resist that treasure!

Want to explore how resistance training supports brain health and memory? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to weightlifting and brain health, Newsweek’s insights on resistance training and Alzheimer’s prevention, and Knowing Neurons’ breakdown of cognitive benefits from strength training.

If you’re reflecting on aging, memory, or emotional vitality, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and mental strength.

How Early Experiences Shape the Reactions We Can’t Explain

Conflict leaves an imprint long before we have words for it. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early, preverbal experiences of tension and fear can shape emotional responses throughout adulthood.

Here is an example: Imagine that, as an infant, your parents fought with each other frequently. The scene features yelling and screaming, with numerous threats and curses from each person. You are a babe in arms and a witness to all the shouting and pushing. Of course, you are crying, which only adds to the trauma as your parents blame each other for your meltdown.

You may have no conscious memory of these fights, and your parents may have engaged in repair that led them to stop all of this fighting. There may be no stories about these early fights either. Yet, the impact on you remains. In situations where people begin to raise their voices in anger or tension, you begin to shrink and long to escape. You don’t seem to have the capability of standing up for yourself, even when the action is reasonable and just. This puzzles you, but you can’t figure it out.

Your brain can help you if you give it the right prompts. This memory is stored in images and sounds and not in language. Your language storage unit was not online at the time. Take a piece of plain paper and let your brain provide the shapes, images, and intensity that you experienced in that moment.

I have published two “deep dive” books to help you with this process:

• Read, Reflect, Respond: The 3 R’s of Growth and Change
• Return, Revisit, Renew: The 3 R’s of Deeper Discovery

The books contain essays, and you are free to jump around and select one that speaks to you at the time. The facing pages are blank, giving your brain the freedom to write, draw, scribble, or even be physical with the page and tear it up. The point is that you can access nonverbal memories that help you understand emotional experiences long before you could talk.

With this data, you can explore emotional stress and trauma that have established a “response cluster” that is automatic when faced with similar processes. The term “response cluster” is borrowed from humanitarian crisis work and fits well here. A sudden conflict between parents in front of infants is like a volcanic eruption or a tsunami, leading to definite emotional harm.

Accessing that harm requires tapping into your nonverbal storage. As you allow pictures, movies, feelings—both emotional and physical—and even smells to surface, you will find that your brain will open storage lockers where these early traumas have been housed.

You now have the data to investigate, process, and understand behaviors in the present that have been limiting how you think and function.

Want to explore more about early emotional memory, conflict responses, and healing preverbal trauma? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on emotional development and Greater Good’s research on trauma, resilience, and the brain.

If this reflection resonates with your own experience of conflict or unexplained emotional reactions, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, insight, and emotional freedom.

FEAR IS AN OPPORTUNITY

Instinct, Insight, and the Courage to Grow

Fear isn’t just a warning—it’s a doorway. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how fear protects us, challenges us, and ultimately invites us into deeper emotional growth and resilience.

Our bodies have an automatic reaction to threats: fear.

We are all familiar with this. The “fight, flight, or freeze” response is ingrained in us. Our brains and bodies come into the world with this program—no one has to teach us this reaction. And we should be grateful for this preprogramming.

I remember watching a demonstration of this with an infant. The infant was placed at the top of a staircase in a crawling position. As she reached the edge and looked down the flight of stairs, she instinctively stopped and went no further. In the actual experiment, a large piece of plexiglass extended beyond the precipice, so she would have been perfectly safe if she had proceeded, but she froze. The freeze was instinctive. We do not need to tumble down a flight of stairs to know where safety ends. Thank goodness!

Our brains are naturally programmed to avoid other dangers as well:

• Falling
• Loud noises
• Snakes and spiders
• Heights
• Separation from caregivers
• Pain

Okay, I know—some of you will be pleased to learn that snakes and spiders evoke a natural fear, while others may be surprised. But it’s true.

However, let’s return to considering fear as an opportunity. Humans have risked and conquered all these fears. Our brains send us into the world with automatic cautions, enabling us to survive, grow, and make informed choices. Some people love playing in loud rock bands and attending concerts. Someone has to become a snake charmer and entertain us! And remember the high-wire feat in 1974 when Philippe Petit walked between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center? Life would feel quite crowded if we never separated from our caregivers. And how do those performers manage to swallow all those swords?

Fear often challenges us to delve deeper into our psyche, examine our past, and take risks. That risk could be small, like a toddler stepping into a swimming pool for the first time, or massive, like a grandmother deciding to try skydiving. Overcoming fear is a sign of emotional growth.

Each of us faces and overcomes fear. Life happens when we confront our fears. Pride and joy come when we conquer them.

Want to explore how fear can be transformed into growth? Visit Simply Life Tips’ guide to overcoming fear, Reality Pathing’s strategies for personal growth, and Brainz Magazine’s reflections on embracing fear.

If you’re reflecting on fear, emotional resilience, or personal transformation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and courage.

Divorce can shake a man to his core…

…especially when he was never taught how to understand, name, or share what he feels. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores what real healing looks like for men navigating loss later in life.

Hello,

Divorce can leave men feeling hollowed out, ashamed, and profoundly alone, especially when they were never taught how to understand or express what they feel.

I recently joined David Webb on the podcast Don’t Pick the Scab for a thoughtful and honest conversation about divorce recovery for men over 40—and what it actually takes to heal rather than simply survive.

With nearly fifty years of experience as a psychologist working with boys, men, couples, and families, I have seen how early emotional conditioning follows men into adulthood. Many men enter divorce carrying years of suppressed grief, anger, and longing, without language for their pain or permission to need support. Divorce does not create this wound—it exposes it.

In this episode, we explore how men can begin to heal after divorce by reconnecting with their emotional lives and rebuilding a sense of self grounded in honesty and connection.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why men are taught early to suppress emotion and how that affects divorce recovery
• How emotional disconnection can turn into resentment, isolation, and loss of identity
• Why connection, not toughness, is essential for healing
• How therapy and men’s groups support emotional growth and resilience
• Practical strategies for setting boundaries and navigating co‑parenting
• How men can manage loneliness and rebuild confidence after loss

This conversation is about giving men permission to feel without shame and to heal without doing it alone. It is about understanding that emotions are not a weakness—they are a pathway back to wholeness.

🎧 Listen to the full episode:
Divorce Recovery for Men Over 40
Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast

Want to explore more about men’s emotional development and healing after loss? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on men and emotional resilience and Greater Good’s research on recovery, connection, and well‑being.

If this conversation resonates with your experience—or someone you care about—therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional healing, clarity, and renewed confidence.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria K. Vanderhorst
Psy

Why Maryland and DC Families Should Bring Back Classic, In‑Person Pranks

Remember shouting “April Fool!” after pulling a trick on someone and delighting in their reaction? Many of us grew up with family pranks that became legendary stories, moments of surprise, laughter, and connection.

There are so many fun ways to develop tricks with your family. Maybe you and your sister once wrapped every item in your dad’s lunchbox in layers of newspaper so it took him half an hour to find his sandwich. Short‑sheeting your siblings or parents was always a classic. Or perhaps you shouted that your brother had fallen on the butcher knife and was bleeding to death, dark humor, yes, but unforgettable.

Of course, Orson Welles did it better than anyone. His famous 1938 radio broadcast about Earth being invaded by Martians wasn’t released on April 1, though perhaps it should have been. He aired it on Halloween, interrupting regular programming with “news bulletins” so realistic that several listeners panicked. The FCC investigated, apologies were issued, and the incident became a cultural milestone. What fascinates me most is how people reacted, just like in my own family when we pulled off a really good prank. There’s that instant moment of shock, that wide‑eyed disbelief before laughter takes over. Welles’ broadcast captured that same magic. For a split second, people wondered, “Could this possibly be real?”

This moment in history also revealed how powerfully media shapes our responses. We are deeply influenced by what we see and hear, and now we carry those influences in our pockets everywhere we go. At a recent dinner, my husband and I were enjoying lovely conversation with the people at our end of the table. Meanwhile, a man at the opposite end spent the entire evening buried in his phone, the moon‑like glow lighting up his face. He could have been on Mars. Technology may sometimes pull us apart at the dinner table, but if we’re lucky, it also gives us new reasons to laugh together.

The modern version of Orson Welles will no doubt arrive through your cell phone. Families will tease each other using this little device on April Fool’s Day. Short‑sheeting may become a thing of the past. Filling the sugar bowl with salt may fade away. Telling your grandmother she won the lottery will be delivered by text. But what is the fun in that? No one is there to see her kick up her heels and dance.

Why not bring back the classic, in‑person pranks this year? I would love to hear about your most memorable or hilarious family tricks. Share your favorite prank stories, or challenge yourself to pull off a face‑to‑face joke with your loved ones. Let’s inspire each other to create laughter and legendary moments together.

As a traditionalist, I advocate bringing back old‑fashioned pranks that foster real connection and shared joy, reminding us of the fun in face‑to‑face interactions.

For more reflections on emotional connection and family well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If your family is working to reconnect or build healthier communication, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that strengthen emotional connection and family relationships.

Voltaire’s Wisdom, Community Roots, and the Work of Belonging

“We must cultivate our garden.” Voltaire’s famous quote is more than metaphor—it’s a call to action. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how tending to our families, communities, and civic spaces is both a personal and collective responsibility.

The exact quote from Voltaire, the 18th-century philosopher, is “We must cultivate our garden.”

Voltaire spent his life focused on freedom of speech and religious tolerance. I wonder what he would think of us today? And what does he mean when encouraging us to cultivate our own garden?

The concept of a garden is quite pleasing. My Aunt’s garden was huge and contained all kinds of vegetables, from sweet corn, large squash, green beans, and strawberries. Like I said, her garden was huge. To top it off, lush flower beds ringed the garden. I particularly liked the “hens and chickens,” more for their name than their looks.

While her garden made a lovely display and was enjoyable to look at from the large wrap-around porch on the house, with the swings hanging from the rafters, the work associated with that garden was endless. She was out there in the early morning to weed and hoe and again in the setting sun to gather vegetables and flowers for the next day.

I do not think Voltaire was referring to my Aunt’s type of garden. I rather think that he was talking about our place in life and those around us. Our families, our neighborhoods, our communities—these are the gardens of reference.

How do we participate in these?

Our neighborhood has a List Serve, which is a marvelous invention for the computer age. I suppose it in some way replaces the party line of the phone when I was a child. The list serve contains news of changes in the community, such as the county’s effort to develop some land or the need for speed bumps and stop signs. It includes requests for gardeners, babysitters, and short-term rental places. Teenagers post their talents and willingness to do odd jobs or babysit.

I know of families that have a group chat where they check in every week. In this way, they are up to date with the news of the events in the lives of their siblings, cousins, etc. When I was a kid, our extended family had annual gatherings with potluck lunch and dinner, generally held on someone’s farm with the barn cleaned down the center for music and dancing. Some families have annual vacations that tend to grow in the number of houses rented as the family grows.

Voltaire would approve. I also think that he would want us to look beyond our families and neighborhoods to the broader society and care about how our towns, cities, states, and country governments are serving the needs of the people.

How are you cultivating these gardens?

Want to explore how civic engagement and community care shape emotional well-being? Visit Greater Good’s guide to civic engagement and mental health and Psychology Today’s article on why community matters.

If you’re reflecting on your role in family, community, or society, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, connection, and contribution.