Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Why Childhood Joy, and Friendship, Still Matters in Adulthood

Remember these when you were a kid? They came in bright colors, especially those screaming yellow ones. I suppose they didn’t actually call them “screaming yellow,” but they might as well have.

They were sturdy too. You could stomp on puddles, rocks, and mud, and they would take it all. Every kid should have screaming yellow rain boots. Oh, to be a kid again and feel that freedom—getting dirty without a care in the world.

One of the things adults miss out on is getting dirty, unless you do the Tough Mudder 5K challenge. Have you heard about this? This is much more than rain boots. You run through electrical shock wires, climb the Mudder Horn, plunge into the Arctic, and scale the Monster, to name just a few obstacles.

What is the point of all this? To make it all the way through, you have to be intense, in great shape, and either know a friend or make one, because some obstacles require cooperation. At the end, you may be exhausted and covered in mud, but you will hug your buddy and talk about doing it again next year.

Just like splashing in the rain with your yellow boots is more fun with a buddy, so is Tough Mudder. Where else do you need a friend?

Friends are the rain boots of life. They protect us from harm. They have fun with us. They keep us safe. And they are a bright spot in our lives.

Take a moment and reflect on your friends.

One of my friends is an excellent protector. She sees ahead and prepares for what will come next. As she sees me in the present, she knows exactly what I need to be considering, preparing for, or researching. I am grateful for this forward‑looking friend.

One of my friends is pure fun. She loves to laugh and recall old stories that bring smiles. She sends funny things to my phone and knows just when I need a laugh.

One of my friends is cautious and researches things I might otherwise overlook. That information has saved me more times than I can count.

One of my friends seems to be in a good mood no matter what. She finds humor in unexpected places and carries a sense that all struggles have a purpose for my benefit.

These are the people I would love to put on big yellow rain boots with and go splashing around.

For more reflections on friendship, emotional well‑being, and the psychology of connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring your own support system or seeking deeper emotional clarity, therapy can help you understand the role relationships play in your life. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that strengthen emotional resilience and meaningful connection.

A Conversation on Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys Who Don’t Shut Down Emotion

There is a quiet misunderstanding that continues to shape how we raise boys.

We assume they are less emotional. Less expressive. Less in need of connection.

After more than 50 years in practice, I can tell you with certainty: that is not true.

In this conversation on the You’re Worthless Podcast with Nic Nierras, we take a deeper look at what is actually happening beneath the surface—and why so many boys grow into men who struggle to access, understand, and express what they feel.

This is not about weakness. It is about what has been allowed, and what has been taken away.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why boys are not less emotional, but often less permitted to express emotion
• How early experiences begin shaping emotional restriction
• The growing impact of technology on emotional development and human connection
• Why emotional intelligence develops differently in boys and girls
• The critical role fathers play in helping boys access their full emotional range
• How cultural expectations quietly train boys to suppress rather than process
• What we can begin doing—right now—to support healthier emotional development

We also talk about what this looks like in real life.

A boy who learns not to cry does not stop feeling.
He learns to redirect those feelings—often into frustration, withdrawal, or behavior that gets misunderstood.

A child absorbed in a screen is not just “occupied.”
They are missing repeated opportunities to practice reading faces, tone, and emotional nuance.

And a father who has never been given access to his own emotional life cannot easily model it for his son—unless he chooses to begin that work himself.

This is how patterns continue across generations.
But it is also how they can change.

The goal is not perfection.
It is awareness—and a willingness to do something different.

🎧 Watch the full conversation:
You’re Worthless Podcast – Full Episode

For more reflections on boys’ emotional development and family connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you want support helping boys—and the men they become—access their full emotional lives, learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that strengthen emotional awareness and connection across generations.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

Retirement is a Season of Choice, Change, and Possibility

Are you looking forward to this phase of life, or are you already there?

The topic of retirement looks different depending on your situation. Some companies have a mandatory retirement age, giving you no choice but to leave. Others allow you to choose when to retire, though subtle pressures may still signal that it is time for a new generation to step in. And if you run your own company, you may enjoy the freedom to decide entirely on your own terms.

Some couples save diligently to retire early and sail off into the sunset. They invest enormous energy into their careers with a specific plan: leave plenty of time for travel while they are healthy, strong, and eager for adventure. I admire the planning that goes into this and wish them well.

For others, retirement is a blend. Some combine retirement with work, planning long trips that take them away from the daily grind while still enjoying what they do. After their adventures, they return refreshed and ready to focus — until the next journey calls.

Retirement can also have a generational focus. Some families pass their businesses or professions along to the next generation. Farmers have done this for centuries. Bakers and chefs are famous for founding family businesses that last for generations. Other service professions follow this pattern as well — perhaps your accountant has already passed you along to a son or daughter.

In addition to new professional or family pursuits, retirement often involves a physical move. Many retirees no longer need a large house and seek warmer weather. Florida is known for welcoming retirees and offering a sense of stability. Retirement communities are growing along the Gulf Coast, where warm weather and cool breezes are common. Some retirees even leave the country altogether.

Portugal, for example, is experiencing a retirement boom. Its culture is welcoming, the cost of living is affordable, and the healthcare system is excellent. These factors matter deeply at this stage of life. The abundance of sunny days supports an active lifestyle, and the large expat community helps ease potential language barriers.

Ultimately, retirement presents choices far beyond career or location. Perhaps your grandchildren live in another state, and you now have the freedom to move closer and enjoy more time with them.

Enjoy!

For more reflections on life transitions, identity, and emotional well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating retirement decisions, identity shifts, or questions about purpose in this new season, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, meaning, and emotional renewal.

The Slow Magic ofLazy Summer Days, Southern Light and Porch‑Swing Stillness

For some reason, this phrase puts me on a porch swing in the Deep South, with the sounds of crickets, love bugs, and cicadas. I would prefer to stay on the porch because the alligator rising from the nearby swamp needs a wide berth. A sweet breeze is wafting around the house. Southern breezes do not blow. They tend to crawl around much like the alligator.

The days get slowly longer and longer. I look forward to the evening and the longer rest from work. Something about the light in late summer beckons you onto the porch and holds you there until dark. A lazy swing and your own thoughts join together to create a rhythm. At first, the daily review fills your mind, but soon that fades, and as the light changes, a deep sense of blending with the surroundings takes hold. You are connected to the place, to the land, and the water. What you are doing no longer matters. Where you are takes hold.

A connection forms, and you meld with the surroundings. The image of a tapestry comes to mind. You are stitched into the landscape, no more important than the tree, the Spanish moss, or the mosquito. You are a part, only a part, of the landscape. Your stitches are the same size as the others. The color of the yarn is found in other parts of the tapestry, as well. In fact, the little bits of red and yellow on the flowers are much more important than you.

Somehow, this gives you the permission you have been seeking, to let go, to relax, to become a part, only a part. Too often, you are called on to be the whole. But here on the porch in the evening, you get the dimensions right. You are a part. Your breath goes deeper, and your muscles relax into the swing. The movement of a slow, steady back‑and‑forth is comforting and reassuring. A gentle push with your toes, just your toes, keeps the rhythm. These small parts are comforting and reassuring.

This reminder of your place relieves the tension in your body, and you can suddenly breathe more deeply. The smell of the swamp is pungent. It mixes with the magnolia in a way that is heady and satisfying. Here you can experience the sweet, intoxicating scent of the magnolia in the front yard. That thing has been there forever. As it mixes with the jasmine that lines the porch, you are suddenly a little girl running along the fence in search of a hiding place. Only your giggles will give you away. Then you will dash for the porch and the safety of the swing.

Explore related reflections:
summer reflections
mindfulness in nature
seasonal emotional growth

If you are navigating overwhelm, emotional transitions, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

How Weather, Memory, and Nature Quietly Restores Us

Yes, we need the rain. Yes, my garden is thirsty. Yes, the trees and shrubs have been begging for water, not to mention the grass. But come on. Seven straight days of rain make me want to start building an ark.

Today, though, the breeze is gentle, and the birch trees are enjoying their play with the wind. From the screened porch, I can feel the air without fighting the bugs, and I’m sheltered from the sunburn I’m prone to. Being outside does something to your soul. It feels like a hunger programmed into the brain. Maybe those nine months of confinement in the womb leave us forever longing for the outdoors, drawn back to it again and again.

I especially envy the hiker who can throw on a backpack and wander through miles of forest or field. They get to see life up close and in simple terms. I am more of the rocking‑chair type, with a view of the garden where colors and scents mingle in the air. It reminds me of summers on the farm, lazy evenings on the porch swing, the scent of lilac drifting by. Don’t get me wrong. I work hard and love my work. But when I close the computer, I am hungry for nature, for the garden, for the soft tone of the wind chime in the center of the yard.

I am grateful for the rain — it is the necessary ingredient for the flowers, trees, and shrubs I enjoy. Today, the breeze moves the birch tree in ways that make it look as if it’s dusting the sky. The fan of the tree becomes a giant feather duster, sweeping the clouds. Perhaps they do need freshening up.

The rain has also boosted the clematis. Suddenly, it is climbing above the trellis and reaching for the deck rails. I hope it succeeds. Seeing those lovely blue blooms weave between the railings would be a welcome sight.

I know it will rain again. I know we need it. I know I will be stuck inside, longing for it to end. I just have a hard time staying indoors when the outside is so complicated, so alive, and so endlessly interesting.

For more reflections on nature, memory, and the psychology of restoration, explore Psychology Today and research from the Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how nature, rhythm, or seasonal shifts affect your emotional life, therapy can help you understand and deepen those connections. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding, clarity, and emotional renewal.

A Featured Conversation about Emotional Healing on the NeuroAlchemy Podcast

Good to see you,

I recently joined Dr. Sarah Young on the NeuroAlchemy podcast for a meaningful conversation about emotional healing, self‑awareness, and the lifelong process of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been silenced over time.

Many of us learn early in life to suppress certain emotions in order to cope or fit in. While those strategies may help us survive, they can also leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves and from the people we care about.

In this conversation, we explore how emotional awareness, curiosity, and compassion can help us better understand our inner world and create healthier, more authentic relationships.

In our conversation, we discuss:

• How childhood experiences shape emotional development
• Internal Family Systems and understanding the different parts of ourselves
• Emotion Focused Therapy and the role emotions play in healing
• Why emotional suppression affects relationships and well‑being
• Raising emotionally intelligent children, especially boys
• How self‑reflection and emotional awareness support lasting personal growth

Healing is not about becoming someone new. It is about reconnecting with who you have always been beneath the protective layers you developed along the way.

I hope this conversation offers insight, encouragement, and hope wherever you are on your journey.

Watch the full conversation:
NeuroAlchemy Podcast Episode

Rooting for your growth,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and healing, explore Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating emotional disconnection, early‑life patterns, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

A Conversation for Maryland and DC Families About Boys’ Emotional Development

I recently joined Atul Raj on the Genius Talk Podcast to discuss a topic that has shaped my work for more than fifty years: how boys are taught to manage their emotions, and how those lessons follow them into adulthood.

During our conversation, I shared a moment from my clinical practice that has stayed with me. A preschool boy once told me that when he cried, he swallowed his tears and they turned into rocks in his stomach. Eventually, those “rocks” would come out as anger and throwing things. His words captured, in a child’s language, what emotional suppression looks like in real time.

In this episode, we explored several important themes:

• How boys’ natural energy and need for movement are often misunderstood as behavioral problems in structured environments like classrooms
• The subtle but powerful differences in how adults comfort crying girls versus crying boys
• Why boys are frequently discouraged from expressing sadness, tenderness, or fear, and how anger becomes the only socially acceptable outlet
• How these early experiences shape men’s ability to form close relationships, communicate in marriage, and connect emotionally with their own children
• Practical tools adults can use to rebuild emotional awareness, including reflective journaling and using a feelings vocabulary sheet

We also discussed how fathers can build healthier relationships with their sons by first reconnecting with their own emotional lives—something many men were never given the chance to develop growing up.

If you are a parent, partner, educator, or simply someone interested in understanding boys and men more deeply, I believe this conversation will resonate with you.

🎧 Listen to the full episode here:
Why Boys Are Taught to Swallow Their Tears – Genius Talk Podcast

For more reflections on emotional development and family well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you want tools to support boys’ and men’s emotional growth, including my downloadable feelings sheet, visit drvanderhorst.com. You can also learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC and therapeutic approaches that help families build emotional awareness and healthier communication.

Helping boys grow into emotionally healthy men begins with small, intentional shifts, moments of curiosity, patience, and presence.

JUST RIGHT

Perfection, Pressure, and the Power of Enough

“Just right” isn’t mediocrity—it’s emotional truth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how performance pressure in youth sports can distort self-worth, and why unconditional affirmation is the antidote to shame.

Are you striving for excellence? When you take your preschooler to the park for soccer lessons, are you hoping to see the Pele of the future? Today, I watch parents driving their athletic prospects all over the countryside to compete in athletic contests. Pick a sport, and you can find a competitive process that starts around middle school or earlier. Sports training has also become big business, with centers around the country designed as “live-in” camps that will provide academic classes and expert training in the sport of your choice.

Do you have a budding tennis star? Or a beefy football player? Or even a promising volleyball player? Your child can board, train, practice, and be viewed by the pros. Of course, you have to pay for this, but if you are housing the next Pele, it may be worth it.

What happens to the children who don’t make the cut? What is the outcome for the boy or girl just having fun with their sport and using it to release tension or challenge themselves to be disciplined about working on a skill? They don’t see themselves in the pros; they are having fun and enjoy being with their friends in a competition.

When I see the families living in their cars without realizing it and placing professional expectations on their children, I wonder what happens to the thousands who will not make the cut. Do you know that thousands will not make the cut? The statistics are clear. Less than .02% of high school athletes end up playing at the pro level. At what point does the push for perfection become the sense of shame the child will carry?

I am reminded of a parent friend who told me the story of his gymnastics star. His daughter had been committed to gymnastics from preschool. The parents drove everywhere and even mounted an airplane to go to distant competitions. As a teen, his daughter, one day, collapsed on the kitchen floor and, through a flood of tears, announced that she did not want to do it anymore and had been afraid to say so for fear of letting her parents down. She thought they had dreams of the Olympics and that she must fulfill them. As her Dad held her and reassured her, both were in tears and relieved.

He carefully reassured her that she was “just right” as she was and that no performance would ever change that.

Want to explore how emotional pressure in youth sports affects well-being? Visit Sports Medicine Weekly’s guide to mental health in athletics, Stanford’s reflections on emotional resilience in elite sports, and Riverside Sports Therapy’s breakdown of mental health and performance.

If you’re reflecting on identity, pressure, or emotional affirmation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and self-worth.

A Celebration of Freedom, Memory, and the Spirit of Community on July 4th

What a fun celebration! This year is special, and every fence row in the neighborhood has decided to display patriotic bunting. Everything is festive, and the mood carries easily into the day.

Memories of other Fourths come flooding back. One time, my father bought some firecrackers and other small things and set them off in the alley beside our house. I remember him using long kitchen matches to light these things and then running like hell. They were probably not very dangerous, but your fingers were still at risk. No one wants to lose a finger. Everyone was excited to see these things shoot above the rooftops. Of course, when they landed, they were still smoldering, so someone had to run around and stomp them out — and that was even better entertainment.

This year, Washington, DC, has been decked out to the hilt. Roads are closed to make way for the crowds, and a giant Ferris wheel has been placed on the Mall. This thing is so big that I wonder whether it is real and, if so, whether it is stable. I do not think I will risk it. The Mall has been turned into a huge celebration venue. One dares not have business downtown, as the streets are blocked and the backup on all the side streets is unbelievable. I am certain that the fireworks will be spectacular, and the military band will entertain the crowds with patriotic songs.

Every community and town will be mounting its own celebration. Families will gather on lawns and in parks to listen to the local high school band and watch the fireworks at dusk. This is a time of true gratitude as we remember how our country was born and how it has thrived.

Our founding fathers were wise beyond belief. They drew on their experiences with other governments and created an experiment that had never been attempted before. They trusted each other and spread that trust to the people. Sure, they made some mistakes, but overall they created a government unique in the world. The thought that every person would be considered and represented was unheard of. The idea that checks and balances would be needed to ensure the integrity of government was truly unique. And the possibility of amending was a brilliant recognition that they could not imagine all circumstances moving forward and needed a formal adjustment plan.

Thank you, Founding Fathers, for this remarkable achievement.

For more reflections on tradition, community, and the psychology of national identity, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating family traditions, community connection, or the emotional meaning of shared celebrations, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support reflection, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

A Metaphor for Effort, Patience, and the Rewards Hidden Beneath the Surface

I rarely have an artichoke, but I rather like them.

The plant can be found in Portugal, Morocco, Libya, and Greece. These are lovely places to visit, and the artichoke is a native plant, so you could pick one yourself if you would like.

The artichoke is a thistle. Think of that. Most of us give thistles a very wide berth. They are prickly and painful when you get stuck with one. Somehow, the stickers embed themselves in ways that are truly painful and hard to remove. I think I would give an artichoke plant a very wide berth. I would definitely send someone else to pick them. Even professional pickers wrap them in material to keep the stickers from embedding in the skin. Those things are devilish and very difficult to remove.

I will “stick” with buying them at the grocery store.

The artichoke is built to protect its goodies. One may not be able to think of another vegetable or fruit with such protection. First, it is a thistle. Just the look of a thistle plant will send you in the other direction. Those little spines on the bloom will jab you and not let go. Then the fruit itself is truly ugly, and the overlapping “leaves” are hard, as though they were made of concrete. When you look at one of these things, you would have no idea that it has any culinary value.

To find the value, you have to steam the whole thing. Then you can peel away these spiny wing things, which do provide a small treat of their own, but your goal lies much deeper. The heart of the artichoke is your target. That thing is delicious, and it should be, because you have taken your life in your hands to get there.

As you peel off each leaf, the meaty part is delicious dunked in melted butter. But keep going. You must get to the heart of the matter. The heart should be fork‑tender, and each morsel dipped in butter. Cooking this thing is not easy, but the result is elegant and satisfying.

The artichoke is a metaphor for every endeavor in life. At first, it looks daunting. You wonder if it is worth it. Parts of it look dangerous and clearly tell you to back off. Yet there is a promise of something sweet and rewarding if you just persist. Then the labor kicks in. Nothing comes easily. You always have to put your back into it and do the work. As you push forward, the process becomes easier. Then, suddenly, you are at the heart of the matter, and the reward is so sweet. It was tough getting here, but boy, was it worth it.

The heart of the matter is always worth it.

For more reflections on resilience, growth, and the psychology of persistence, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating life challenges, transitions, or the deeper “heart” of your own emotional work, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.