Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

JUST RIGHT

Perfection, Pressure, and the Power of Enough

“Just right” isn’t mediocrity—it’s emotional truth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how performance pressure in youth sports can distort self-worth, and why unconditional affirmation is the antidote to shame.

Are you striving for excellence? When you take your preschooler to the park for soccer lessons, are you hoping to see the Pele of the future? Today, I watch parents driving their athletic prospects all over the countryside to compete in athletic contests. Pick a sport, and you can find a competitive process that starts around middle school or earlier. Sports training has also become big business, with centers around the country designed as “live-in” camps that will provide academic classes and expert training in the sport of your choice.

Do you have a budding tennis star? Or a beefy football player? Or even a promising volleyball player? Your child can board, train, practice, and be viewed by the pros. Of course, you have to pay for this, but if you are housing the next Pele, it may be worth it.

What happens to the children who don’t make the cut? What is the outcome for the boy or girl just having fun with their sport and using it to release tension or challenge themselves to be disciplined about working on a skill? They don’t see themselves in the pros; they are having fun and enjoy being with their friends in a competition.

When I see the families living in their cars without realizing it and placing professional expectations on their children, I wonder what happens to the thousands who will not make the cut. Do you know that thousands will not make the cut? The statistics are clear. Less than .02% of high school athletes end up playing at the pro level. At what point does the push for perfection become the sense of shame the child will carry?

I am reminded of a parent friend who told me the story of his gymnastics star. His daughter had been committed to gymnastics from preschool. The parents drove everywhere and even mounted an airplane to go to distant competitions. As a teen, his daughter, one day, collapsed on the kitchen floor and, through a flood of tears, announced that she did not want to do it anymore and had been afraid to say so for fear of letting her parents down. She thought they had dreams of the Olympics and that she must fulfill them. As her Dad held her and reassured her, both were in tears and relieved.

He carefully reassured her that she was “just right” as she was and that no performance would ever change that.

Want to explore how emotional pressure in youth sports affects well-being? Visit Sports Medicine Weekly’s guide to mental health in athletics, Stanford’s reflections on emotional resilience in elite sports, and Riverside Sports Therapy’s breakdown of mental health and performance.

If you’re reflecting on identity, pressure, or emotional affirmation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and self-worth.