A Celebration of Freedom, Memory, and the Spirit of Community on July 4th

What a fun celebration! This year is special, and every fence row in the neighborhood has decided to display patriotic bunting. Everything is festive, and the mood carries easily into the day.

Memories of other Fourths come flooding back. One time, my father bought some firecrackers and other small things and set them off in the alley beside our house. I remember him using long kitchen matches to light these things and then running like hell. They were probably not very dangerous, but your fingers were still at risk. No one wants to lose a finger. Everyone was excited to see these things shoot above the rooftops. Of course, when they landed, they were still smoldering, so someone had to run around and stomp them out — and that was even better entertainment.

This year, Washington, DC, has been decked out to the hilt. Roads are closed to make way for the crowds, and a giant Ferris wheel has been placed on the Mall. This thing is so big that I wonder whether it is real and, if so, whether it is stable. I do not think I will risk it. The Mall has been turned into a huge celebration venue. One dares not have business downtown, as the streets are blocked and the backup on all the side streets is unbelievable. I am certain that the fireworks will be spectacular, and the military band will entertain the crowds with patriotic songs.

Every community and town will be mounting its own celebration. Families will gather on lawns and in parks to listen to the local high school band and watch the fireworks at dusk. This is a time of true gratitude as we remember how our country was born and how it has thrived.

Our founding fathers were wise beyond belief. They drew on their experiences with other governments and created an experiment that had never been attempted before. They trusted each other and spread that trust to the people. Sure, they made some mistakes, but overall they created a government unique in the world. The thought that every person would be considered and represented was unheard of. The idea that checks and balances would be needed to ensure the integrity of government was truly unique. And the possibility of amending was a brilliant recognition that they could not imagine all circumstances moving forward and needed a formal adjustment plan.

Thank you, Founding Fathers, for this remarkable achievement.

For more reflections on tradition, community, and the psychology of national identity, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating family traditions, community connection, or the emotional meaning of shared celebrations, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support reflection, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

A Metaphor for Effort, Patience, and the Rewards Hidden Beneath the Surface

I rarely have an artichoke, but I rather like them.

The plant can be found in Portugal, Morocco, Libya, and Greece. These are lovely places to visit, and the artichoke is a native plant, so you could pick one yourself if you would like.

The artichoke is a thistle. Think of that. Most of us give thistles a very wide berth. They are prickly and painful when you get stuck with one. Somehow, the stickers embed themselves in ways that are truly painful and hard to remove. I think I would give an artichoke plant a very wide berth. I would definitely send someone else to pick them. Even professional pickers wrap them in material to keep the stickers from embedding in the skin. Those things are devilish and very difficult to remove.

I will “stick” with buying them at the grocery store.

The artichoke is built to protect its goodies. One may not be able to think of another vegetable or fruit with such protection. First, it is a thistle. Just the look of a thistle plant will send you in the other direction. Those little spines on the bloom will jab you and not let go. Then the fruit itself is truly ugly, and the overlapping “leaves” are hard, as though they were made of concrete. When you look at one of these things, you would have no idea that it has any culinary value.

To find the value, you have to steam the whole thing. Then you can peel away these spiny wing things, which do provide a small treat of their own, but your goal lies much deeper. The heart of the artichoke is your target. That thing is delicious, and it should be, because you have taken your life in your hands to get there.

As you peel off each leaf, the meaty part is delicious dunked in melted butter. But keep going. You must get to the heart of the matter. The heart should be fork‑tender, and each morsel dipped in butter. Cooking this thing is not easy, but the result is elegant and satisfying.

The artichoke is a metaphor for every endeavor in life. At first, it looks daunting. You wonder if it is worth it. Parts of it look dangerous and clearly tell you to back off. Yet there is a promise of something sweet and rewarding if you just persist. Then the labor kicks in. Nothing comes easily. You always have to put your back into it and do the work. As you push forward, the process becomes easier. Then, suddenly, you are at the heart of the matter, and the reward is so sweet. It was tough getting here, but boy, was it worth it.

The heart of the matter is always worth it.

For more reflections on resilience, growth, and the psychology of persistence, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating life challenges, transitions, or the deeper “heart” of your own emotional work, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

SATISFIED

Expectations, Grace, and the Gentle Art of Repair

Satisfaction isn’t perfection—it’s connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional expectations shape our relationships, and how grace, humor, and repair transform disappointment into deeper understanding.

Satisfied is a feeling that comes after something else. This feeling depends on what comes before in the same way that other feelings depend on the ongoing experience.

To be satisfied generally means that you have an expectation. Perhaps you ordered a bouquet for a friend, only to learn that one of the blooms tucked into it was past its prime. That was not the message you meant to send for her 80th birthday. Perhaps you tried a new restaurant and decided to be adventurous and order the seafood, only to discover a collection of bones you were not anticipating. Maybe you went to a fancy resort with a hefty price tag, only to awake in the middle of the night to find a mouse nibbling on the chocolates on the side table.

We have all had similar adventures at some point in our lives. What do we do with them?

Will my friend make a joke about the tired bloom so that we can laugh together? Will she take a picture of the tired mum and remember to send it to me on my birthday? I hope so.

Will the restaurant apologize for the bony fish and not charge me for the entrée? I hope so.

Will the resort apologize for the mouse, explain how difficult it is to keep them out of the cottages here in the boonies, and then give me a discount on the room? I hope so.

What will I do when my actions have disappointed another and caused them to be less than satisfied?

I hope to find a lovely card and send a sincere message of apology and understanding. I hope to confirm the experience the next time it comes up and make a loving connection with the offended. I hope to understand the power and meaning of my offense and make efforts to be more intentional and purposeful in the future.

I want to satisfy and be satisfied. Reciprocity is essential in a relationship. Mistakes happen. Things go wrong when you least expect it. Life can get in the way of the good and cause a mess. I have heard it said that life is just “messy” anyway.

When I realize how complicated life can be and that things can always go wrong regardless of your intentions, I can find grace in my heart. Grace to forgive. Grace to laugh. Grace to mourn. Grace to love.

Want to explore how emotional expectations and grace shape relationship satisfaction? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to emotional intimacy and satisfaction, Current Psychology’s study on gratitude and forgiveness, and Oak Health Foundation’s reflections on grace and expectations.

If you’re reflecting on emotional repair, relational grace, or satisfaction, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional clarity.

On Aging, Options, and Knowing What Truly Fits Your Life

Yes, you know what I am talking about. There comes a time when you are getting older and looking ahead. You may even find yourself considering an elevator in your house. Have you noticed the TV ads for those round glass elevators that fit into the corner of the living room?

The woman climbing into the elevator is always perfectly fit and trim. She looks like she could run a marathon or climb three flights of stairs without losing her breath. Yet when she steps into the contraption, she fills the entire space and smiles serenely as it rises.

Where is the walker and the older woman bent over it? Where is the wheelchair? Neither of those will fit in the tube. If you can sprint up the stairs, you do not need the elevator. If you rely on a walker or wheelchair, they will not fit. I suppose you could lie on the floor, send the chair up, then crawl into the tube yourself—but you would still be stuck getting back onto your feet.

Alternatively, you might consider condos with spacious elevators, better suited for walkers and grocery carts. These retirement condos look appealing in advertisements: active seniors, abundant amenities, pools, spas, access to doctors and groceries, even in‑unit physical therapy. Entertainment and craft spaces abound. The marketing—like the elevator ads—celebrates an idealized lifestyle, but at least the features match a wider range of needs.

For some, embracing this change is a positive choice. I have a friend who moved and now thrives with her own art studio. Her experience shows that such transitions can be fulfilling.

I know exactly what I would miss: sitting in the sunroom and watching the lively parade of walkers and bike riders passing the house. These daily scenes define what makes this place special to me.

I see fathers helping their children learn to ride a bike, holding a long pole attached to the bicycle seat so they can keep the child upright from a distance as they run behind, calling out, “Slow down.”

There is the inevitable crowd of dog walkers of all ages stopping to let their dogs do their business in the yard. A talented teen manages to ride a unicycle up the steep hill—she must be in excellent shape. And there is the mother from Denmark who pedals her children to school in a large box on the front of her bike. Of all these, I admire her the most.

I cannot see trading this in, even with amenities like the pool, sauna, and multiple restaurants down the hall. My main reason is simple: what I have now suits my needs.

For more reflections on aging, transitions, and emotional well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating a life transition—downsizing, aging in place, or evaluating new options—therapy can help clarify what truly matters. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional clarity, resilience, and grounded decision‑making.

Scents Are The Invisible Language of the Garden, And the Brain

The garden is in full bloom, though some plants, like the clematis, especially gorgeous and abundant this year, are starting to fade. There were so many blooms that the trellis pulled away from its moorings. I want more clematis! Now the bulb plants are taking over, many of them scented as well. This makes me wonder about the power of the nose.

Scent is a primary function of the brain, essential for survival. Our brains are designed to help us thrive, and scent guides us: sweet smells draw us closer, while stinky smells lead us away. Our sense of smell is an early warning system for safety or danger.

Your olfactory nerve is the first sensory nerve, CN I. That alone suggests smell is important to humans. Your sense of smell reaches the brain in two ways. One is through your nose. The nose protects and serves as an early warning system. Airborne molecules enter your nose and send information to your brain, alerting you to approach or avoid. The other pathway is through your mouth. Taste receptors allow molecules from food or liquids to travel to the olfactory sensors at the back of your nose.

Our olfactory sense acts as an early warning system for survival. If you put something dangerous in your mouth, you will reflexively spit it out. Scents in the air similarly alert you to danger, prompting you to move away. Who knew your nose was such a good survival tool?

However, there are specific situations in which you do not want this system to take the lead. In certain types of danger, responders must be trained to tolerate odors to perform the necessary work. The same is true for soldiers in battle. They must also be trained to tolerate such smells. This is not an easy task because we are all naturally programmed to avoid them. Counteracting your brain is not easy.

For now, I focus on the sweet scents from the backyard border plantings and the flower garden by the porch. The image of a young maiden lying in a field of flowers is perfect. Who would not want to lie in a meadow and experience wonderful scents wafting through the air?

For more reflections on sensory experience, memory, and the brain’s emotional pathways, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how sensory experiences, early memories, or emotional patterns shape your well‑being, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and emotional renewal.

The Complexity, Influence, and Legacy of the Men Who Shape Us

The word “fathers” evokes a wide range of responses — from deep affection and admiration to complicated, painful memories. In my work as a psychologist, I have witnessed the full spectrum of emotional reactions. This diversity highlights both the importance and the complexity of a father’s influence.

Fathers can present in profoundly negative ways:

• The stoic man who rules silently
• The angry man who rules with cruelty
• The absent man who rules through mystery

And fathers can present in profoundly positive ways:

• The sacrificing man who gives generously
• The hard‑working man who gives tirelessly
• The loving man who gives tenderly

I was fortunate to have a father who was kind and principled — a man who led with reasoning and logic, mixed with humor and challenge.

As Father’s Day approaches, your reflections may naturally turn toward the fathers in your own life. You may find yourself pausing to consider their impact on who you are today.

The Story Behind Father’s Day

The origin of this holiday reveals much about our cultural attitudes toward fathers. Did you know that William Jackson Smart was its inspiration? He lived in Spokane, Washington — a city known for its lilac bushes, planted in the early 1900s as part of a beautification effort. A lovely association, but the real story lies with Smart himself.

William Jackson Smart was a Civil War veteran who raised six children alone after his wife died in childbirth. He must have done an extraordinary job. His daughter, Sonora Smart Dodd, advocated for a day to honor fathers, inspired by his devotion and sacrifice. In 1910, she convinced local clergy to celebrate fatherhood, and Spokane embraced the idea with an annual celebration.

But moving from local recognition to national acknowledgment proved far more difficult.

The Long Road to National Recognition

The journey to establishing Father’s Day as a national holiday was surprisingly complicated — a reflection of our ambivalence about fatherhood.

• Congress initially rejected the idea.
• Eight years passed before it was reconsidered.
• In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge supported making it a national holiday — Congress did not act.
• Years later, Senator Margaret Chase Smith accused Congress of ignoring fathers while celebrating mothers.
• In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson issued a Presidential Proclamation recognizing Father’s Day.
• Finally, in 1972, President Richard Nixon made it an official national holiday.

What a journey. What a struggle for fathers to be recognized as valuable members of the family.

The complexity of this path mirrors the complexity of our feelings about fathers themselves.

Your Story

As Father’s Day approaches, consider your own story. What has shaped your understanding of fatherhood? What has been given? What has been missing? What remains unresolved? And what deserves gratitude?

For more reflections on family, identity, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring your relationship with your father — or the impact of fatherhood on your emotional life — therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that help deepen understanding, healing, and emotional resilience.

Raising Boys

If you are a parent raising a boy, you may wonder why you should listen to someone who has not raised one herself.

I have raised a girl — lovely she is. I have two granddaughters — lovely they are.

So why am I talking to you as parents about raising boys? Understanding boys’ development is crucial to supporting them effectively.

Boys and men have taught me what it is like to be a boy in this culture, and I feel compelled to share how these experiences reveal the urgent need for cultural change in the way we raise boys.

My mother would say this is a case of “do as I say, not as I do.” Even though I have not raised a boy, I have been educated in many ways about how boys are and have been raised in this culture. Obviously, the story is not ideal, or they would not have landed in my waiting room. Boys in this culture often get a raw deal when it comes to emotional health. Consequently, many men end up distressed and emotionally overwhelmed.

One would think that, seeing our jails filled with men, we would be more concerned about how we raise boys. Men account for 93 percent of the incarcerated population. Why are we not asking what is happening? How is it that the incarcerated population is almost entirely male?

The answer is simple, yet still beyond our current reach.

What are we doing as parents and as a culture that results in so many men being housed in cells for decades? You might think that is not my boy, my husband, or my brother, so it is not my concern.

But when 93 percent of the jail population is male, it is everyone’s concern.

There is an obvious solution, but as parents we seem reluctant to take it. Why? Perhaps we are stuck in a caveman mentality, thinking our boys must always be brave and ready to fight. So as parents, we may suppress their natural emotions and train them for aggression rather than emotional health. But remember, we do not live in caves. Our world has changed.

Take action now. Encourage the men in your life to visit my website and download the Feelings Sheet. Support their growth by exploring my self‑help books.

Feelings sheet: www.drvanderhorst.com, look under Client Resources Order a book from www.gloriasbooks.com and start your journey toward overcoming emotional restriction immediately.

THE FRENCH HAVE MANY NAMES FOR WINE AND FUTILITY

History, Humor, and the Anchoring Power of Connection

Wine may be fermented joy, but futility? That’s a vintage all its own. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how French history mirrors personal emotional cycles—and how relationships, like a good Bordeaux, offer grounding and grace.

Now that was a shocker! Wine, I get, but futility! I guess we have to look at the history. The peaks and valleys of French history revolve around the role of the monarchy in the life of a country. France has been on a roller coaster ride since Charlemagne, Monarchy, Republic, Monarchy, Republic, etc. The swing between monarchy and republic may have settled, but the futile description now makes sense.

The swing between ways of being and governing is not unusual, even for individuals. We are born dependent on another, so we start life in a monarchy. The Queen Mother or King Father is in charge, and we are totally dependent on their choices and edicts. When we begin to walk and talk, the pendulum may swing in the opposite direction as the toddler seems to rule. The parent regains power and influence until the hormones kick in and adolescence comes roaring to the forefront. Batten the hatches as conflict and explosions are likely. Our personal histories are not so far off from the French, but hopefully, no one is dying.

What keeps us from spinning off into outer space as we careen back and forth? What anchors us? What sustains us? The answer is simple. Our relationships serve as anchors. Fortunately, we do not need many of them. One or two will do. A trusted family member or friend will serve very nicely. We all need a safe person who will listen, support, and confront when necessary. Interestingly, we serve those needs for others as well. The fabric of relationships is complicated and intricate. When we are about to explode or implode, a friend can help us see other choices. A friend can serve as a comforting presence without saying a word. A friend can give guidance and allow us to see paths forward when we are blind ourselves.

Perhaps France is a good model after all. A nice bottle of wine and a good friend who listens and provides guidance can turn futility into possibility.

Want to explore how French wine history reflects resilience and emotional complexity? Visit Wine International Association’s guide to French wine history, Wikipedia’s timeline of French wine evolution, and Amazing Food & Drink’s reflections on Bordeaux and Burgundy.

If you’re reflecting on emotional cycles, relational anchors, or historical metaphor, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional grounding.

From Vacuums to Cravings: How We Get Pulled Back In

Hoovering isn’t just about carpets, it’s about the forces that suck us back into old patterns. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how addiction, food, and emotional habits mirror the pull of toxic relationships, and why self-care requires conscious choice.

For many of you, the Hoover will be familiar, and for others it will be strange. In 1907, a janitor named Spangler invented a carpet sweeper as a health aid. He had asthma, and carpet was his enemy. Carpets collect everything: dust, dirt, lint, and more. His invention allowed him to keep the carpet cleaner, leading to fewer asthma attacks. He was not the manufacturing type and ended up selling his invention to William H. Hoover, a name familiar to many of you. The Hoover Vacuum Company turned the device into a huge success.

The Hoover found its way into many homes. Initially, the Hoover salesman went door to door, complete with the in-home demonstration that would convince the housewife that she had to have it. I am old enough to remember this guy coming to the door with all of his equipment and a mini version of the vacuum cleaner. The thing made a deafening noise, which was actually a plus because when Mother was “hoovering,” you could get away with things.

Over time, “hoovering” was applied to other actions as well. In psychology, hoovering refers to the action of a narcissistic person as they attempt to recapture attention and regain control of the life of another. You could think of it as being “sucked” back into a toxic relationship. Not all of us end up in narcissistic relationships, but most of us have things that suck us back in. Perhaps yours is food, movies, gambling, or alcohol. We can easily get pulled into a variety of addictions.

In this little essay, I am thinking more about the actions of the junk food addict. You know this person, or perhaps you are this person. Junk food acts as a partner, always nearby, easily accessible, and never says no. With this partner, we can gain solace at any time, along with the pounds. The junk food industry loves sugar, fat, and salt. These three ingredients send our brains into a high. Much like the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, our brains crave more junk and then more and then more. There must be a switch somewhere in the brain that welcomes these ingredients, much like the narcissist welcomes capturing the attachment of another.

Look around as you are out and about, and you will see that the Hoover is winning. Obesity is rampant in our society, and we think nothing of it. In fact, the women’s fashion industry has fully embraced it. I understand why they have done this as a business strategy. If I were in the fashion industry, I would value the same approach. However, I am in the self-care industry, where your mind and body need to work together to make decisions that build strong relationships, foster emotional growth, and provide models for those you love.

Thus, the hoovering should be left to the carpet.

Want to explore how food cravings and emotional habits intersect? Visit Psychology Today’s article on why we crave junk food and Greater Good’s guide to breaking free from addictive patterns.

If you’re navigating food habits, emotional cravings, or addictive cycles, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, balance, and resilience.

What Gardens, and Families, Teach Us About Growth, Care, and Renewal

How many of you have a garden? That could mean a big plot in the backyard or a planter on the windowsill in your kitchen. Gardens come in all shapes and sizes. Yours may be indoors or outdoors. The joy of a garden transcends size. It may hold vegetables, flowers, exotic plants, or herbs. The delight of a garden is that you get to choose.

Regardless of the type of garden you enjoy, they all take work. This is the season to begin tending your garden. Our backyard houses a “moon garden,” filled with flowers that bloom white. In the evening, as the moon rises, the white blossoms catch the light. The joy of this sight is deeply satisfying. You would be surprised by how many flowers bloom in white.

The beds in the front of the house are filled with color, while those in the back wait for evening to show off their blooms.

I wonder if life has a similar pattern.

The early part of life is loud and boisterous. The cry of a newborn can shatter the sound barrier at any hour. A toddler’s squeals make you laugh. The thunderous motion of a young child can make your head spin. As children find their voices, you hear the music of independence and protest, followed by conviction and commitment as they move forward with their own lives. Then the cycle begins again as grandchildren enter the world.

The parallels are obvious. A garden and a family both require planning and careful tending in order to thrive. You cannot be rough with the soil or the plants. You must be vigilant to spot a new weed creeping in. During difficult or dry periods, you must pay extra attention and gently feed the tender plants to help them sustain themselves through those times.

A garden is complex and requires careful attention. The time, energy, and expense all come together to give you pleasure and validate the effort you have invested.

Enjoy your garden, big or small.

For more reflections on growth, family life, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are tending to your own “inner garden” and seeking support in navigating family dynamics or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional resilience, connection, and renewal.