Category: Blog Posts

How Our Bodies and Minds Signal the Need for Connection through Emotional Pain

Pain is not just discomfort, it is survival. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how physical and emotional pain serve as alarms, guiding us toward healing and connection.

Pain is a natural feeling. It lets us know when to pay attention. Our bodies are programmed to help us stay safe. If we stress a muscle, it will ache and catch our attention. If we cut ourselves while chopping vegetables, the pain signals the brain, alerting us to attend to the wound. Our bodies possess a natural alarm system that protects us from harm.

This alarm system is designed to detect two types of pain: physical and emotional. Pain signals us to pay attention. We are all very good at attending to physical pain. It often comes with bodily injury: blood, scrapes, and breaks. Emotional pain is more difficult to discern. It is not really visible, and it does not come with any oozing bodily fluids. Emotional pain is internal and accumulates over time. When our complaints are ignored and we feel hurt, that pain is stored in a mental repository in our brains.

We hold emotional pain over time. Unlike physical pain, which can be attended to and healed, emotional pain can often go unattended. It can fester, and it can hide for long periods. Emotional pain can be a silent stressor.

Let’s look at one example to help us understand. Consider an infant who is rejected at birth and adopted into a new family. Many people think that this process occurs without recognition or pain for the infant. However, that would completely deny the experience of being housed in another human for nine months. We know for sure that the fetus exhibits social and emotional awareness in the last trimester of pregnancy. They hear the voices and noises in the mother’s environment. Attachment begins at this time. The “baby inside” responds to auditory stimuli. Music is a favorite and can elicit motion, as though the fetus were keeping time with it. At birth, this person already knows the mother through sound and, probably, the father or other family members who have been talking to them for months. These memories stay with the person. In large part, they account for the adoptee seeking out the birth mother later in life and learning about their biological family. Once this connection is made, a change comes over the person. The reconnection appears to provide them with a sense of belonging.

Once the adoptee connects with the birth mother, a sense of self deepens. I have often heard an adoptee tell the story of connecting with the birth mother. They are profoundly changed. Their sense of belonging, even within their adopted family, deepens. They recognize aspects of themselves in this biological family, and suddenly that habit makes sense and can be embraced more fully.

We are born connected to another human. We spend our lives seeking connection with others. The adoptee seeks out the birth mother to complete the connection.

Want to explore more about pain, survival, and emotional connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on understanding emotional pain and Greater Good’s guide to how connection heals emotional pain.

If you’re reflecting on emotional pain, survival, or healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

The Memories, the Mischief, and the Magic of a Perfect Crust

What just popped into your head? Your favorite pie? Your grandmother’s kitchen? The pie disaster you did not anticipate? Whatever it was, welcome the memory.

Pie is a wonderful dessert. It comes in all flavors, and the “container” of a beautiful golden-brown crust is worth a shout-out on its own. Do you take the leftover crust and bake it on a cookie sheet so you can stuff it in your mouth while the pie bakes? That is the best!

Pie is full of memories for me. Growing up one generation removed from the farm meant numerous weekends in my grandmother’s kitchen, rolling out dough, sneaking bits of filling, and stuffing my mouth with pie dough scraps while waiting for the real thing to finish baking. My grandmother’s kitchen was huge, with two big stoves. One was wood-fired, and the other was electric. She used each of those depending on what she was making and how much of it, too. Pie scraps were always a treat, and you, of course, rolled the dough thin so you would have several scraps.

Pie is adaptable. Depending on the season, you can make a pie out of almost anything. You can even make meat pies! But my favorite fruit pie was the cherry pie. You had to pick the cherries off the tree in the orchard, then pit them with this little pokey thing, which could be cantankerous at times. If you were not careful, you could poke a hole in your palm. Keeping your palm out of the way was a challenge.

Now, you might think that apples would be a favorite, as the apple orchard was always loaded. But apples come in a variety of flavors, and if you don’t get it right, the pie can be on the sour side. So, cherries were more dependable, even though you had to pick more of them. The cherry orchard was also a favorite place for the bees, so you had to be careful, or at least be brave, to climb the ladder in the cherry orchard.

Did you know that you can also make a pie out of crackers? That was a new one! You can take Ritz crackers and make a pie that resembles an apple pie. Who knew? The Ritz people spent some time playing with that before they got it right.

Pie is comforting. You can be in a really foul mood or depressed because you missed a blue ribbon at the County Fair, and a slice of pie with ice cream can perk you right up. So, what if you missed the blue ribbon and ended up with the red? Next year, you know what you have to do to beat that girl.

Pie can rescue you from any foul mood. Sometimes making it is just as good as eating it. The hardest to make is the cherry one. First, you have to fight off the bees to pick the cherries, then it seems to take forever to pit the dang things before plopping them into the crust. But the result is heavenly!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted culinary and food‑history resources:
King Arthur Baking Company
Serious Eats
Smithsonian Magazine – Food & Culture

If you are navigating emotional transitions, sensory grounding, or the comfort of familiar rituals, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

How Reflection Helps Us Revisit Our Stories and Renew Our Growth Path Forward

Good to see you,

I recently joined Temitope Adegoke on The School of Heritage for a thoughtful conversation about reflection, self-awareness, and the process of creating meaningful change in our lives.

In my book, Return, Revisit, Renew: The 3 Rs of Deeper Discovery, I explore how returning to our stories and revisiting our experiences can help us understand ourselves more deeply. When we take the time to reflect instead of simply reacting, we create the opportunity to respond with greater awareness and wisdom.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why reflection is an important part of personal growth
• How revisiting past experiences can lead to greater self-understanding
• The difference between reacting from old patterns and responding with awareness
• How our stories can help us discover patterns that continue to influence our lives
• Why slowing down and becoming curious about ourselves can create meaningful change
• How reflection can lead us toward renewal, clarity, and growth

Growth does not always require us to learn something entirely new. Sometimes, it begins by looking again at what we already know, seeing it from a different perspective, and allowing that understanding to change how we move forward.

I hope this conversation encourages you to slow down, reflect, and become curious about the stories that have shaped you.

Listen to the full episode:
Read, Reflect, Respond – Podcast Episode

Rooting for your growth,

Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted psychology and personal growth resources:
Psychology Today – Self‑Awareness
Greater Good Science Center – Self‑Awareness
American Psychological Association – Mental Health

If you are navigating personal growth, emotional transitions, or questions about your story, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

PUBLIC SPEAKING

Voice, Vulnerability, and the Bicycle Theory of Courage

Public speaking isn’t just performance, it’s purpose. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the emotional journey of speaking aloud, the fear many face, and the support systems that make it possible to grow.

How many of you have been or are engaged in public speaking?

Remember in grade school when you had to go to the front of the class and give a presentation? I know that some kids in my class actually stayed home sick that day because they were so afraid. I was precisely the opposite. I could not wait to get in front of the class, stand as tall as possible (which was pretty hard since I was short), and belt out my speech. I suppose I liked speaking because I also like singing. The audience didn’t intimidate me at all. I thought of them as quite friendly and was happy to present my song or speech as the occasion required.

Recently, I have been speaking on podcasts about my recent book for journaling and about some of my history as well. Speaking is a comfortable situation for me, as the host of each podcast has been well-versed and engaging. The podcast is like having a lovely conversation with a friend.

So, why do so many people fear public speaking?

I have a theory that I will call “the bicycle theory” of public speaking. Now, hang in there with me. Most American children learn to ride a bicycle. Riding requires a lot of trial and error. The rider also needs support. Learning to ride a bike requires both the learner and the teacher. I remember our neighbors teaching their girls to ride. The father had a long pole that attached to the back of the seat and enabled him to keep the bike upright while the child attempted to pedal and balance. Seeing him walk, then run down the street, was quite a sight! Eventually, all three girls were successful with the bike.

So, how does learning to ride a bike relate to public speaking? There are two essential common elements: a coach and repetition. No one is great at public speaking the first time out of the box. Speaking to strangers takes practice. Just like learning to ride a bike, you need support, encouragement, and constructive feedback. Sit up straight. Stop playing with your hair. Use your hands a bit less. Take a breath and think before you launch. Your speech teacher will present these and many other pieces of advice in the course of learning how to be a good public speaker.

But why speak in public?

History and current events show us that speaking in public can be pretty dangerous. You’d better have a good reason for taking that risk. People who speak in public have a mission and a passion. They want others to know what they know and to care. Public speaking is precisely what it says. It is a speech that others need to hear.

Want to explore how public speaking builds confidence and emotional resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the cognitive benefits of speaking and Toastmasters’ tips for overcoming fear and improving delivery.

If you’re exploring voice, vulnerability, or emotional expression, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support confidence, clarity, and connection.

Where Connection, Chaos, and Childhood All Meet at the Table for the Family Dinner

Raise your hand if your family still eats dinner together every night — or at least one night a week. I’m talking about the table in the kitchen, the dining room, or a backyard picnic table.

I grew up in an era when everyone was expected to be at the dinner table every night. You could have activities before or after dinner, but dinner was at the same time every evening, and the entire family was expected to be there. This was where the day’s adventures were shared, laughter was abundant, and the food was really good. You could skip dessert if you had a project due or a friend to meet. And yes, there was always dessert.

Dinner was a time when your parents got to take a good look at you. They never said they were using it for that, but they were quietly taking your social and emotional temperature. If they sensed something was not quite right, inevitably you would get a late‑night visit. A conversation would ensue. When something was on your mind, it was not allowed to go more than 24 hours before it was explored.

At the time, that was a pain. You knew it was coming. You tried to mask whatever it was and generally did not want to talk about it, but the inevitable visit made that impossible. Sometimes your issue was with the other parent, and despite assurances that it would remain private, you knew it would eventually be shared. Resolution was necessary for harmony. Most of the time, the issue was with another kid — a sibling or a friend. Talking it out loud did help, but you still wanted to avoid it. No matter how many times the conversation was helpful, you still resisted it.

In addition to these talks, dinner was good for other things as well. All planning took place over dinner. Who was going where and for how long. What was needed for the next school project. Embarrassing each other about girlfriends and boyfriends. Talking about upcoming vacations, Thanksgiving at Grandma’s, or the embarrassing things that happened at the last one.

So many times people talked over each other, all trying to capture the table’s attention. If you got too distracted with your story and went on too long, you would find that the sibling next to you had forked something off your plate. I learned never to ask for the salt, because while watching it travel down the table, my brother would be eating things off my plate, making the salt entirely unnecessary.

Yes, it sounds like chaos. And it probably was.

For more reflections on family connection, communication, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating family dynamics, communication challenges, or the emotional patterns shaped around the dinner table, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support connection, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

The End of the Season, the Big Questions, and the Marvel of Who Your Child Becomes

We are approaching the end of the summer camp season. When school takes a summer break, parents must find places for the children to be occupied and stretched in some way. The sleep-away camp is a challenge. How old should your child be to go to a sleep-away camp? How long should they stay that first year? Should you buttonhole a friend to send her child to the same camp so yours will have a buddy? Will your child be willing to get on the bus? Is your child ready to spend a few weeks away from home, or is day camp the only option?

The questions come flooding in. Fortunately, one of the local schools has a camp fair a month or so before you have to make these decisions. So, you gather the children and head out to the camp fair. Perhaps the children will solve this dilemma for you.

The school gymnasium is filled with booths from camps all over the region. Some are local. Some are focused on a particular sport or theme. Some are sleep-away. In that category, some are quite camping rough, and some are 5-star elegant. You watch the children as they wander around, hoping to see a spark that will help you decide. Of course, you have a budget, so the 5-star elegant may be out of reach. But for the right place, you might be willing to stretch.

That process is now long behind you, and you are preparing to pick your child up from camp. They have been going to this place year after year. On one level, you are a bit surprised at the original choice. The camp is buried deep in the mountains, with woods all around. Access is a dirt road off the state highway. You are glad you have an SUV that sits high off the ground because, at one point, you actually have to drive through a stream if it has been raining. At other times, it is a dry bed. As you pick your child up this time, you are hoping for a drought because your SUV is in the shop and you are driving the station wagon.

You marvel at what your child has been enjoying. Log cabins with no AC. Outdoor showers. Outhouses. Who is this kid? At home, luxury is a must. Hot showers with fluffy towels. Flushing toilets, of course. Fully stocked fridge and snack cabinet. Who is this kid? How are they able to be thrilled with the bare basics for 8 weeks of the summer but can’t be bothered to clean the sink after brushing their teeth? How can they muck out horse stalls and not be able to clean up the crumbs when making a sandwich? How can they fight mosquitoes while climbing to the top of the mountain and refuse to go outside to pick up the newspaper that has missed the porch and landed on the lawn?

This child is a marvel, and you can’t wait for the trip home to hear all of the stories and feel the warmth of a summer well spent.

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted youth development and camp resources:
American Camp Association
Child Mind Institute – Benefits of Summer Camp
Psychology Today – Child Development

If you are navigating parenting stress, emotional transitions, or questions about your child’s development, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

Understanding the Many Younger Parts That Shape Our Present

You know the lingo. People are talking about their inner child, even on the news! Who is this creature? It sounds a bit weird and alien. Perhaps I have this separate being living in me like a parasite. Now, I know people have parasites and that they really are not desirable. Some of them land you in the hospital and at least in the toilet for long stretches. So, let’s get serious about this kid and figure it out!

This kid can live inside of you in different forms, at different ages. Sometimes the kid is silent and hidden. Sometimes the kid is cranky and noisy. Sometimes he is driving the bus and gets you into trouble.

Now, let me pause here. I keep using the masculine pronoun as a reference. I mean no offense to the male population. It is just that I have been studying the male of the species for such a long time and writing and talking about how to do a better job of raising this guy that I get stuck on the male pronoun. So, please bear with me, and the principles apply to both males and females. Thank you.

Now, back to the truth. We all have different kids at different developmental stages living inside of our brains. Our brains are like that storage locker you acquired in college and have not yet managed to clean out and add to every once in a while. Really! Now, your brain does not hold onto everything, but it does hold onto the critical, interesting, painful, important stuff. Science shows us that it even has memories from in utero and that we have genetic material from at least the three past generations that can throw information into the present willy-nilly. We are complicated!

Now, on with your inner child. This younger part of you holds important memories and will toss them into the present when something triggers it to wake up and show up. This can happen with regularity, like feeling shy at parties and not really understanding where that comes from. This can happen uniquely with a surprise reaction to something that leaves you confused and amazed at the power of your reaction. So, actually, you are a conglomeration of earlier experiences, and you are adding to this collection all along the way.

You might think of yourself as a collage that keeps adding things as you experience new things and meet different people. You are complicated.

The “inner child” is actually many different children. You may have an infant part that was traumatized by a physical problem or a huge fight between your parents. You may have a toddler part that was abused by a sibling or neglected by a parent. Oh, there are plenty of other parts hanging around in your brain. So, why am I talking about these parts? Because they are alive and well and guiding your behavior in the present. They have no choice! They think they are helpful! Unless you get to know them and figure out their job, they will keep doing it forever. Maybe you do not need them anymore! That would be such a relief for you and for them. They have been working hard. FOREVER! Give them a break. Take the time to get to know them so they can figure out if they need to hang around or can go on vacation!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted psychology and trauma resources:
Psychology Today – Inner Child
NIH – Early Development & Memory
American Psychological Association – Trauma

If you are navigating emotional patterns, childhood memories, or personal growth, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

Falling Into Fall, Ready or Not

I wake to a darker morning as the calendar creeps forward. I am searching for my winter pajamas even though yesterday was 90 degrees. The house feels damper, and I am looking for my sweater more often than not. But yesterday we took this lovely drive in the convertible, so my body is confused. What season is this, anyway?

Ah, I remember, this is the experience of Fall. It is aptly named. I am falling into a slump. I am falling into morning wardrobe confusion. I am falling into sleeping in longer. I notice the temperatures fall and rise in an odd pattern that confuses my wardrobe. The crepe myrtle blossoms are falling all over the porch and making a mess. The temperatures fall and rise in a crazy pattern that stumps my wardrobe. The Christmas lighting company actually sent an email about putting up Christmas lights. COME ON.

Even the light of the day is changing. I am not waking in the dark, but I realize that this experience is not far away, as the morning is dimmer than usual. The sun seems to be reluctant to show. It throws some dim light ahead of itself as if to say, “Look out, I am fading.” Each day, the light is different in some way.

The constant brightness in the sunroom is unreliable, and the plants are showing the effect. The plant lights are on more than they are off. The shades haven’t been used in weeks. Funny, I did not notice that until now. This change is creeping up on me.

My body registers these changes long before my mind catches up. I reach for the shawl on the back of the chair without thinking. I need a bit more warmth. I turn on the lights in the early morning, when just a few weeks ago the room was bright. I am checking the thermostat when last week I didn’t even know it existed.

I should have known. This happens every year. Fall arrives slowly, almost bumpily, as though it is bouncing into place. One day the temperature is high, the next chill, then high again. This season is like a yo-yo: up and down. Clearly, it has me confused as though I am a spinning top. Remember those? Like a dreidel with the pointy end so it can spin and the square sides to give it just enough heft to move around. I feel that way myself. I am spinning into this change of season.

How does one get comfortable? It is too early for the wool socks, but too late for bare feet. The porch invites, but the light fades early. The flower garden is full, but the plants are sagging. I want to venture out to the porch, but the chill is not that inviting unless I bundle up. Then the neighbor thinks I have lost my mind as he jogs by topless. Confusing?

Somewhere inside of me, I know that I love the Fall. The colors in the trees make me feel like I am living in a Van Gogh canvas. The beauty of Fall brings back comforting, joyful childhood memories. Who doesn’t like roasting marshmallows and making s’mores? The fire pit in the backyard is just waiting for the roasting sticks to appear. Who doesn’t like piling up colorful leaves and jumping in them? Even if you have to bag them later and leave them at the curb, the pile was worth it.

Who doesn’t like snuggling up and reading a great novel? Who doesn’t like cocoa! I have often said that Fall is my favorite season. Yet, the transition to get there seems daunting.

Perhaps all transitions are like this. You know the change is coming, and when you get there, you know you’ll enjoy the time. I love living in the four seasons. I could never be a Florida or California girl. I would miss the changing seasons.

But I am just not ready for the flannel pajamas. Still, we ordered firewood this week, and I do love a fire in the fireplace. I have so many cool sweaters I like wearing. And snuggling up with a loved one is so much easier in the Fall than in the Summer.

I should welcome the chilly air and embrace my favorite jacket.

I am just not ready.

Explore related reflections:

Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted seasonal living resources:
National Park Service – Fall Colorsww.audubon.org” target=”_blank/a>

If you are navigating life transitions, seasonal changes, or emotional shifts, therapy can offer grounding and perspective. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, insight, and emotional well‑being.

The Modern Convenience of Appliances That We Love, Need, and Occasionally Curse

Ok. Right away, you know what this is going to be about. You have them. And if you are anything like me, you have a lot of them.

Of course, there is the refrigerator — with the freezer compartment, the exterior water dispenser, and perhaps the external ice maker as well. How many extras can they add to this monstrosity? Oh yes, they added a TV‑like screen. Or maybe it is a real TV. Just what everyone needs: another screen, and in the kitchen too.

Then there is the wine fridge, and the outdoor fridge for the barbecue area. The TV room needs a mini‑fridge. And not too long ago, I learned they make a desktop fridge for every college student to tuck into a dorm room.

Ok. By now, you realize I have fridge problems. First, we have too many of them. Second, how could most of them go out at once?

Still, I come nowhere close to my aunt’s number of fridges. She had two full‑size refrigerators in the kitchen to feed the large extended family and the farmhands. She had a giant deep freezer — also in the kitchen. Trust me, she had a big kitchen. Then, in the “cold room” attached to the kitchen, she had another deep freezer and another refrigerator. And did I mention the large‑capacity refrigerator in the milk house? You get the picture. She practically had to become a refrigerator mechanic just to keep them all running.

Ok. The new wine fridge will be delivered today. Shopping for that thing was a nightmare. Do you have any idea how many brands of wine fridges there are? There must be a hundred of them, each with different configurations: wire shelves, wooden shelves, combinations of both, flat shelves, curved shelves — the options go on and on.

I just want a small appliance to slide under the counter. It does not need to store 150 bottles of wine. It does, however, need to fit into a tiny space. Apparently, when the kitchen was designed, the wine‑fridge opening was created without regard to actual wine‑fridge dimensions, and our space is unusually small. Once again, a specialty appliance — which means an expensive option — is necessary.

Actually, I am supposed to stop drinking wine. Apparently, it is rotting my brain, and I should switch to a non‑alcoholic brand. Of course, that will still need a fridge.

Ok. Enough of my ranting. The deed is done. The fridge is on its way. The bill has been paid, including the installation fee. The extended warranty is in place for as long as they allow, because this one is bound to break down eventually.

The wine will be chilled by the end of the day, just in time for a relaxing evening. And did I mention that the small under‑counter refrigerator in the basement also stopped working? That’s a story for another day.

Ok?

For more reflections on daily life, memory, and the psychology of home and habit, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating stress, decision fatigue, or the emotional weight of home‑life demands, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, balance, and emotional steadiness.