Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Why True Strength in Boys Begins With Connection, Not Toughness

What if emotional strength in boys has nothing to do with toughening them up?

What if it begins with helping them stay connected to themselves?

In this conversation on Advisor with Stacey Chillemi, I sit down with Lisa Urbanski to explore a pattern that has shaped generations of boys—and the men they become.

This is not just a parenting conversation.
It is a cultural one.

Because when boys are taught to suppress emotion, they do not become stronger. They become disconnected—from themselves, from others, and from the relationships that sustain them.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why boys are often taught, directly and indirectly, to suppress emotion
• How emotional disconnection shows up later in relationships, conflict, and communication
• What true emotional strength actually looks like
• How parents can begin building emotional vocabulary at home
• Why fathers and male role models play such a critical role
• What to do if you feel like you have already made mistakes

We also talk about what this looks like in real life.

A boy who is only allowed to express anger grows into a man with a very limited emotional language.

A child who is told “you’re fine” instead of being comforted learns to question his own experience.

And a home that is always busy, distracted, or focused on logistics can unintentionally lose the very connection children need most.

Emotions are not meant to isolate us.
They are meant to connect us.

And when we begin to treat them that way, everything changes—how boys grow, how men relate, and how families function.

If you have ever wondered how to support a boy, or a man, in becoming more emotionally connected, this conversation offers a place to begin.

🎧 Watch the full episode:
Advisor – Full Episode

For more reflections on boys’ emotional development, parenting, and cultural patterns, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are raising a boy, supporting a partner, or noticing emotional patterns in yourself that you want to understand more deeply, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional connection, resilience, and growth.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

How Tuning Into Your Emotional Frequency Shapes Connection

Many of you will be familiar with this. You’re driving down the road. If you are alone, you get to put the radio station anywhere you want. If the passenger seat is occupied, a negotiation begins, and sometimes the radio simply goes off. If the backseat is also occupied, it’s anybody’s game. Conflict will probably ensue.

Now imagine we’re not talking about driving, but about functioning in the world around you. You may be traveling through life by yourself, with a partner, or within a family or group. The radio becomes your range of emotions. In different times and contexts, we dial into different parts of ourselves and experience emotions, and emotional needs, differently.

Emotion is the radio of attachment.

What is your system?

The HAM Radio Operator
This person is an enthusiastic communicator, eager to connect with people all over the world. They thrive on a broad range of interactions. The act of being connected is the core need. The more the merrier. Yet they may struggle to go deeper. They need variety, not necessarily depth.

The Radio Scanner
This person tunes into stress, problems, and even danger. They get an adrenaline boost from urgency. They can be excellent listeners and often show up powerfully in a crisis. But once the crisis passes, their interest fades. This is the relative who flies in, takes charge, and disappears when things calm down.

The Car Radio With the Scan Button
This person can go deep into a “station” or bounce lightly across many. They have a flexible emotional range. They can explore feelings, challenge themselves, and be curious about others’ experiences. They can take a deeper dive when needed and also enjoy the surface-level moments. They tend to have a strong emotional vocabulary and a willingness to connect meaningfully.

Finding the right station within each of your relationships is key to connection.

For more reflections on emotional awareness, attachment, and the psychology of connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are trying to understand your own emotional “frequency” or navigate the patterns within your relationships, therapy can help you tune in with clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional connection and relational insight.

Living Through Rising Temperatures and a Record‑Breaking Summer

Today is the start of a heat wave. The temperatures are predicted to reach 110 degrees or higher. These heat waves are definitely happening more frequently. As a kid, I would be hard‑pressed to remember even one day that hit 100 degrees. The hottest year on record so far is 2024. If you doubt that global warming is real, just read the stats. The past 11 years have been the warmest on record, with records dating back to 1881. That means we are heating up, folks. These temperatures will keep rising if we continue to treat our planet as we are now. At this point, I see no trend in the opposite direction.

I know that there are experts on climate change speaking their truths across the globe. I know that sophisticated men and women are listening and showing concern. However, the man on the street, or the native who needs to clear ground to plant crops to feed the family, is not listening and cannot imagine why he should.

If you take the 1950s as a baseline, when I was running around as a kid, and make that 0, today the average temperature has increased to 1.5 times that, which is a huge jump. This increase is also holding steady, indicating it is not a fluke but a trend. The Earth is getting hotter, and we are doing nothing to reverse this trend. Greenhouse gases are forming a layer in the atmosphere that traps heat. Forests are being cut down, causing the “cleansing” of the air to falter. Arctic sea ice is melting, causing sea levels to rise.

Today I am heading to the shore with plans to go sailing. I am not concerned about the breeze. There is almost always a breeze on the Chesapeake. I am concerned about the heat. Sailing is a pleasant, fairly slow mode of transportation. However, you are solidly in the sun unless you take your boat out at night, which is not likely. Even then, the temperature may not drop much.

Of course, you think of sailing as a leisurely skimming across the water. That is true for the passengers, but the sailor is working the entire time, vigilant about the direction of the wind, the depth of the bay, with sandbars as surprises, and cautious about the motorboaters whizzing by. Of course, sailing is pleasant, but it is also work.

Perhaps I will rethink this sail and wait for a cooler day. But, oh wait, the days are getting warmer, not cooler. Perhaps I will take up an indoor hobby. Pottery, anyone?!

Explore related reflections:
climate reflections
environmental change
seasonal experience

Learn more from trusted climate science sources:
NOAA Climate.gov
Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC)
NASA Climate Change

If you are navigating stress, overwhelm, or emotional transitions, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

CRACKED SOMETHING OPEN

Memory, Metaphor, and the Courage to Break Through

Some shells protect. Others imprison. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how cracking open childhood memories mirrors the effort of breaking into a walnut—messy, stubborn, and ultimately nourishing.

That phrase brought to mind a picture of a small group of children in the backyard, their hands and skirts full of walnuts. Walnuts are beautiful. They have a toasty brown color with fantastic swirls and grooves. They are two perfect halves, and the edges of the halves have a raised ridge that goes all the way around the walnut. Inside, there is a beautiful, toasty brown nut that is delicious. But getting in there is a real challenge.

The shell is super thick. You cannot squeeze it and expect it to give. You cannot throw it on the sidewalk and expect it to open. You could try stomping on it, but that is not likely to be successful. Cracking this thing open is not easy. I suppose this shell is a reflection of the tree that bears it. Walnut trees can grow up to 150 feet tall. Let’s put that into perspective. We are talking 14 to 15 stories tall. That is a giant tree. Get the picture in your head of standing next to this monster. I, 5 feet tall, am more than dwarfed by this beauty. The spread of the limbs can range from 75 to 150 feet. Compare that to a football field. We are talking about a spread that spans from the one-yard line to the 50-yard line! This guy is a monster. No wonder it produces a fruit with an iron-clad shell.

However, we have to get inside of this thing. The treasure is worth the effort. We could retrieve the walnut cracker from the attic, but we’re not sure if it would work. We debate whether it is a real nutcracker or just a toy. We decided not to risk breaking Mother’s nutcracker. Off to the garage to pilfer some of Father’s tools. Hammer and chisel in hand, we are good to go. This brown little safe will soon give up its treasure.

WHACK! Yea!! The sweet meat of the walnut is our reward, and the stain on the sidewalk will surely wash away, eventually. Cracking this thing open is a triumph.

Cracking my history open is equally tricky. We carry life experiences and memories from a very early age. We have memories from the last trimester in our mother’s womb! We have memories from our day of birth forward. Yet, they can be hard to access. Our brain holds them in ways that are not easy to tap. They are in sight, sound, motion, and touch at a bare minimum. Our brains hold them, and I suppose the reason for that is that they have to. Like it or not, that folded mass of tissue under your skull holds onto everything; you might think of this organ as made of super glue. Have you ever had a tussle with super glue? That stuff is awful!! Our brains function just like that. They hold onto everything. I mean EVERYTHING!

Now, this can be a good thing. Because in early childhood, we can only think in absolutes: right/wrong, good/bad, etc. So, suppose our early experiences lead us to conclude that we are evil, mean, ugly, or numerous other negative things. In that case, we get stuck in that place and carry those negative feelings and thoughts into adolescence and adulthood. We will need help to understand how this happened and to assist our brain in making changes and bringing the truth up to date. As adults, we no longer live in absolutes. We understand gradations and nuances. That gives us the capability of experiencing grace for ourselves and others.

Cracking the childhood code (another metaphor!) of absolutes helps us to understand ourselves and give ourselves grace.

Want to explore how early memories shape emotional growth? Visit Verywell Health’s guide to repressed childhood trauma, Colorado State University’s reflections on rewriting your story, and Psychology in Action’s breakdown of trauma and memory.

If you’re reflecting on childhood experiences, emotional healing, or memory integration, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and grace.

Why Childhood Joy, and Friendship, Still Matters in Adulthood

Remember these when you were a kid? They came in bright colors, especially those screaming yellow ones. I suppose they didn’t actually call them “screaming yellow,” but they might as well have.

They were sturdy too. You could stomp on puddles, rocks, and mud, and they would take it all. Every kid should have screaming yellow rain boots. Oh, to be a kid again and feel that freedom—getting dirty without a care in the world.

One of the things adults miss out on is getting dirty, unless you do the Tough Mudder 5K challenge. Have you heard about this? This is much more than rain boots. You run through electrical shock wires, climb the Mudder Horn, plunge into the Arctic, and scale the Monster, to name just a few obstacles.

What is the point of all this? To make it all the way through, you have to be intense, in great shape, and either know a friend or make one, because some obstacles require cooperation. At the end, you may be exhausted and covered in mud, but you will hug your buddy and talk about doing it again next year.

Just like splashing in the rain with your yellow boots is more fun with a buddy, so is Tough Mudder. Where else do you need a friend?

Friends are the rain boots of life. They protect us from harm. They have fun with us. They keep us safe. And they are a bright spot in our lives.

Take a moment and reflect on your friends.

One of my friends is an excellent protector. She sees ahead and prepares for what will come next. As she sees me in the present, she knows exactly what I need to be considering, preparing for, or researching. I am grateful for this forward‑looking friend.

One of my friends is pure fun. She loves to laugh and recall old stories that bring smiles. She sends funny things to my phone and knows just when I need a laugh.

One of my friends is cautious and researches things I might otherwise overlook. That information has saved me more times than I can count.

One of my friends seems to be in a good mood no matter what. She finds humor in unexpected places and carries a sense that all struggles have a purpose for my benefit.

These are the people I would love to put on big yellow rain boots with and go splashing around.

For more reflections on friendship, emotional well‑being, and the psychology of connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring your own support system or seeking deeper emotional clarity, therapy can help you understand the role relationships play in your life. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that strengthen emotional resilience and meaningful connection.

A Conversation on Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys Who Don’t Shut Down Emotion

There is a quiet misunderstanding that continues to shape how we raise boys.

We assume they are less emotional. Less expressive. Less in need of connection.

After more than 50 years in practice, I can tell you with certainty: that is not true.

In this conversation on the You’re Worthless Podcast with Nic Nierras, we take a deeper look at what is actually happening beneath the surface—and why so many boys grow into men who struggle to access, understand, and express what they feel.

This is not about weakness. It is about what has been allowed, and what has been taken away.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why boys are not less emotional, but often less permitted to express emotion
• How early experiences begin shaping emotional restriction
• The growing impact of technology on emotional development and human connection
• Why emotional intelligence develops differently in boys and girls
• The critical role fathers play in helping boys access their full emotional range
• How cultural expectations quietly train boys to suppress rather than process
• What we can begin doing—right now—to support healthier emotional development

We also talk about what this looks like in real life.

A boy who learns not to cry does not stop feeling.
He learns to redirect those feelings—often into frustration, withdrawal, or behavior that gets misunderstood.

A child absorbed in a screen is not just “occupied.”
They are missing repeated opportunities to practice reading faces, tone, and emotional nuance.

And a father who has never been given access to his own emotional life cannot easily model it for his son—unless he chooses to begin that work himself.

This is how patterns continue across generations.
But it is also how they can change.

The goal is not perfection.
It is awareness—and a willingness to do something different.

🎧 Watch the full conversation:
You’re Worthless Podcast – Full Episode

For more reflections on boys’ emotional development and family connection, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you want support helping boys—and the men they become—access their full emotional lives, learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that strengthen emotional awareness and connection across generations.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

Retirement is a Season of Choice, Change, and Possibility

Are you looking forward to this phase of life, or are you already there?

The topic of retirement looks different depending on your situation. Some companies have a mandatory retirement age, giving you no choice but to leave. Others allow you to choose when to retire, though subtle pressures may still signal that it is time for a new generation to step in. And if you run your own company, you may enjoy the freedom to decide entirely on your own terms.

Some couples save diligently to retire early and sail off into the sunset. They invest enormous energy into their careers with a specific plan: leave plenty of time for travel while they are healthy, strong, and eager for adventure. I admire the planning that goes into this and wish them well.

For others, retirement is a blend. Some combine retirement with work, planning long trips that take them away from the daily grind while still enjoying what they do. After their adventures, they return refreshed and ready to focus — until the next journey calls.

Retirement can also have a generational focus. Some families pass their businesses or professions along to the next generation. Farmers have done this for centuries. Bakers and chefs are famous for founding family businesses that last for generations. Other service professions follow this pattern as well — perhaps your accountant has already passed you along to a son or daughter.

In addition to new professional or family pursuits, retirement often involves a physical move. Many retirees no longer need a large house and seek warmer weather. Florida is known for welcoming retirees and offering a sense of stability. Retirement communities are growing along the Gulf Coast, where warm weather and cool breezes are common. Some retirees even leave the country altogether.

Portugal, for example, is experiencing a retirement boom. Its culture is welcoming, the cost of living is affordable, and the healthcare system is excellent. These factors matter deeply at this stage of life. The abundance of sunny days supports an active lifestyle, and the large expat community helps ease potential language barriers.

Ultimately, retirement presents choices far beyond career or location. Perhaps your grandchildren live in another state, and you now have the freedom to move closer and enjoy more time with them.

Enjoy!

For more reflections on life transitions, identity, and emotional well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating retirement decisions, identity shifts, or questions about purpose in this new season, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, meaning, and emotional renewal.

The Slow Magic ofLazy Summer Days, Southern Light and Porch‑Swing Stillness

For some reason, this phrase puts me on a porch swing in the Deep South, with the sounds of crickets, love bugs, and cicadas. I would prefer to stay on the porch because the alligator rising from the nearby swamp needs a wide berth. A sweet breeze is wafting around the house. Southern breezes do not blow. They tend to crawl around much like the alligator.

The days get slowly longer and longer. I look forward to the evening and the longer rest from work. Something about the light in late summer beckons you onto the porch and holds you there until dark. A lazy swing and your own thoughts join together to create a rhythm. At first, the daily review fills your mind, but soon that fades, and as the light changes, a deep sense of blending with the surroundings takes hold. You are connected to the place, to the land, and the water. What you are doing no longer matters. Where you are takes hold.

A connection forms, and you meld with the surroundings. The image of a tapestry comes to mind. You are stitched into the landscape, no more important than the tree, the Spanish moss, or the mosquito. You are a part, only a part, of the landscape. Your stitches are the same size as the others. The color of the yarn is found in other parts of the tapestry, as well. In fact, the little bits of red and yellow on the flowers are much more important than you.

Somehow, this gives you the permission you have been seeking, to let go, to relax, to become a part, only a part. Too often, you are called on to be the whole. But here on the porch in the evening, you get the dimensions right. You are a part. Your breath goes deeper, and your muscles relax into the swing. The movement of a slow, steady back‑and‑forth is comforting and reassuring. A gentle push with your toes, just your toes, keeps the rhythm. These small parts are comforting and reassuring.

This reminder of your place relieves the tension in your body, and you can suddenly breathe more deeply. The smell of the swamp is pungent. It mixes with the magnolia in a way that is heady and satisfying. Here you can experience the sweet, intoxicating scent of the magnolia in the front yard. That thing has been there forever. As it mixes with the jasmine that lines the porch, you are suddenly a little girl running along the fence in search of a hiding place. Only your giggles will give you away. Then you will dash for the porch and the safety of the swing.

Explore related reflections:
summer reflections
mindfulness in nature
seasonal emotional growth

If you are navigating overwhelm, emotional transitions, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

How Weather, Memory, and Nature Quietly Restores Us

Yes, we need the rain. Yes, my garden is thirsty. Yes, the trees and shrubs have been begging for water, not to mention the grass. But come on. Seven straight days of rain make me want to start building an ark.

Today, though, the breeze is gentle, and the birch trees are enjoying their play with the wind. From the screened porch, I can feel the air without fighting the bugs, and I’m sheltered from the sunburn I’m prone to. Being outside does something to your soul. It feels like a hunger programmed into the brain. Maybe those nine months of confinement in the womb leave us forever longing for the outdoors, drawn back to it again and again.

I especially envy the hiker who can throw on a backpack and wander through miles of forest or field. They get to see life up close and in simple terms. I am more of the rocking‑chair type, with a view of the garden where colors and scents mingle in the air. It reminds me of summers on the farm, lazy evenings on the porch swing, the scent of lilac drifting by. Don’t get me wrong. I work hard and love my work. But when I close the computer, I am hungry for nature, for the garden, for the soft tone of the wind chime in the center of the yard.

I am grateful for the rain — it is the necessary ingredient for the flowers, trees, and shrubs I enjoy. Today, the breeze moves the birch tree in ways that make it look as if it’s dusting the sky. The fan of the tree becomes a giant feather duster, sweeping the clouds. Perhaps they do need freshening up.

The rain has also boosted the clematis. Suddenly, it is climbing above the trellis and reaching for the deck rails. I hope it succeeds. Seeing those lovely blue blooms weave between the railings would be a welcome sight.

I know it will rain again. I know we need it. I know I will be stuck inside, longing for it to end. I just have a hard time staying indoors when the outside is so complicated, so alive, and so endlessly interesting.

For more reflections on nature, memory, and the psychology of restoration, explore Psychology Today and research from the Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how nature, rhythm, or seasonal shifts affect your emotional life, therapy can help you understand and deepen those connections. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding, clarity, and emotional renewal.

A Featured Conversation about Emotional Healing on the NeuroAlchemy Podcast

Good to see you,

I recently joined Dr. Sarah Young on the NeuroAlchemy podcast for a meaningful conversation about emotional healing, self‑awareness, and the lifelong process of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been silenced over time.

Many of us learn early in life to suppress certain emotions in order to cope or fit in. While those strategies may help us survive, they can also leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves and from the people we care about.

In this conversation, we explore how emotional awareness, curiosity, and compassion can help us better understand our inner world and create healthier, more authentic relationships.

In our conversation, we discuss:

• How childhood experiences shape emotional development
• Internal Family Systems and understanding the different parts of ourselves
• Emotion Focused Therapy and the role emotions play in healing
• Why emotional suppression affects relationships and well‑being
• Raising emotionally intelligent children, especially boys
• How self‑reflection and emotional awareness support lasting personal growth

Healing is not about becoming someone new. It is about reconnecting with who you have always been beneath the protective layers you developed along the way.

I hope this conversation offers insight, encouragement, and hope wherever you are on your journey.

Watch the full conversation:
NeuroAlchemy Podcast Episode

Rooting for your growth,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and healing, explore Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating emotional disconnection, early‑life patterns, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.