Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Understanding Emotional Intelligence in Boys and Creating Safety Across Generations

Many grandparents step into parenting roles unexpectedly, carrying both deep love and quiet concern. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection highlights how grandparents can support boys’ emotional development with clarity, compassion, and confidence.

Hello,

Many grandparents find themselves raising grandsons without ever expecting to start over. Along with the love and devotion often comes a quiet worry. Why is he so angry, withdrawn, or overwhelmed, and how do I help without repeating the patterns I was raised with?

This week, I joined Laura Brazan on the podcast Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity for a meaningful conversation about how boys develop emotionally and how grandparents can play a powerful role in shaping their emotional future.

With fifty years of experience as a psychologist working with boys, men, couples, and families, I have seen how often emotional pain shows up in boys as behavior, physical complaints, or silence. These are not problems to discipline away. They are messages asking to be understood.

In this episode, we focus specifically on grandparents raising grandsons, often while managing grief, trauma, limited resources, and exhaustion of their own.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why boys struggle to express emotion and how that struggle can turn into anger, shutdown, or physical symptoms
• How generational patterns of emotional silence get passed down—and how to gently interrupt them
• The Three Rs framework—Read, Reflect, Respond—and how it helps boys build emotional vocabulary and resilience
• How to decode behavior as communication rather than defiance
• Why emotional pain often shows up in the body when boys do not have words
• How grandparents can foster connection without relying on punishment or lectures
• Simple, practical strategies that work even when energy and time are limited

This is a conversation about moving beyond discipline and control and toward safety, understanding, and emotional fluency. It is about helping boys grow into men who can feel, communicate, and connect, even when their early lives have been marked by adversity.

Most importantly, it is a reminder that it is never too late to create meaningful change. Your presence matters more than perfection.

🎧 Listen to the full episode:
Building Emotional Intelligence in Boys and Men
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity
January 26, 2026

Want to explore more about boys’ emotional development and intergenerational healing? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on boys’ emotional development and Greater Good’s research on how caregivers support emotional resilience.

If this conversation resonates with your experience as a grandparent or caregiver, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional growth, connection, and healing across generations.

One Body, One Chance, Let’s Treat Get Your Health Right

Health isn’t just a checklist, it’s a relationship with your body. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the excuses we make, the risks we take, and the simple truths that can lead to lasting change.

When was the last time you paid attention to your health?

Ahh! I hear you. You don’t have time. You don’t like the doctor’s office. Monitoring at home is a pain. You don’t have the tools to monitor anything. Those heart things on your cell phone seem too easy to trust. You don’t want to find out that something is wrong.

Have I caught all of them? Oh, you are scared and would much prefer to be surprised.

Look, you have one body. You are not like a car where the body can be replaced. You have one of these, and you are responsible for keeping it in good order. However, if you look around on the street or in the mall, you will clearly see that most of us do not keep this thing in good order.

Recent statistics show that 42% of U.S. adults are obese, and nearly three-quarters are overweight. That sounds scary.

If you are a traveler, you will notice that people in most other countries look very different. Most are the size and shape of a normal, healthy adult. Americans approach the size and shape of other mammals, such as walruses and whales. What is wrong with us?

How is it possible that billions of people in different parts of the world eat well, walk places, and maintain a healthy body weight? Americans spend close to $80 billion a year on weight loss. Read that again: billions of dollars.

Interestingly, Europe is catching up with the U.S., particularly in Spain, due to the popularity of new weight-loss drugs. These medications—like Wegovy, Ozempic, and Mounjaro—are part of a class called GLP-1 agonists. While they can be effective, they come with a long list of potential side effects: pancreatitis, thyroid tumors, gallbladder issues, kidney problems, and allergic reactions.

Now, if a door-to-door salesman came by offering a new product with those side effects, how likely are you to buy his product or send him packing? What are we doing?

Ladies and gentlemen, food is available. Manage that, and it will not cost you a fortune. You will be able to reach your weight goals without risking long-term harm to your body. You will be stronger as you add exercise to your day. You will save a ton of money. You will be proud of yourself.

Want to explore how lifestyle changes support emotional and physical health? Visit CDC’s Healthy Weight portal and Psychology Today’s guide to small habits and big change.

If you’re navigating health concerns, emotional overwhelm, or lifestyle transitions, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, strength, and self-care.

How Self‑Reflection Helps Us Stretch Beyond Who We’ve Been and Helps Emotional Growth

Are you growing? Not in height, most of us are headed in the opposite direction as the years go by, but in emotional depth, clarity, and self‑understanding.

Are you growing? If you think I am talking about height, I am not. In fact, as we age, we actually begin to shrink. We can lose as much as two inches over time because our bone density changes and our vertebrae collapse. But that is a story for another time.

I am talking about emotional growth. This can happen at any time and is always beneficial. I have seen people grow in this way in childhood, middle age, and even in the end‑of‑life stages. We can always grow taller emotionally.

How does one do this? I suggest using a mirror.

Mirrors come in all shapes and sizes. We have a very large mirror in our living room. It is tall, decorative, and narrow, like the one you might have on the back of your closet door, but fancier. Friends sitting on one end of the couch must view themselves in the mirror. The mirror leans against the wall because, frankly, it is too heavy to hang, and I do not want to challenge the studs and be proven right. Looking at our reflections is sometimes hard and sometimes joyous.

When we face the mirror, we see our physical characteristics, but we also see deeper into ourselves. We question: Who am I? What am I about? Where have I come from? What happens next? We may have many more questions. Check it out the next time you look in a mirror. What questions come up for you? Use them to guide you forward.

Self‑reflection is necessary for growth. When we see aspects of ourselves, we have the opportunity to grow. Without reflection, we are stuck. Reflection can come in quiet moments when we replay experiences or anticipate how we will perform in the future. Reflection can come through confrontation when someone holds us accountable and points out how we treat others. Sometimes we request this experience and truly want another to assess how we are doing. Sometimes it surprises us and throws us off course, requiring us to do some hard thinking and regroup.

However it comes to you, I hope you can be grateful. Emotional growth can be hard. For this reason, we tend to avoid it or deny it. Being open to feedback from others takes a decision. When we decide to grow, the benefits are amazing. We can uncover early childhood experiences that have kept us bound up in ways that are not healthy for us. We can challenge family experiences that have shaped us to be a certain way within the family system so that others can benefit.

Welcome growth, however it shows up.

Want to explore more about emotional growth, reflection, and self‑awareness? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on personal development and Greater Good’s research on resilience and emotional intelligence.

If you’re ready to explore your own emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support reflection, insight, and meaningful change.

When We Start Parenting Our Parents, Is When the Circle of Care Turns Back Toward Us

There is a moment in many adults’ lives when the roles quietly reverse. The people who once cared for us now need our care, and the emotional weight of that shift is profound.

I have friends and colleagues in this position, and my heart aches for them.

As a culture, we have these step‑down facilities that make end‑of‑life care more comfortable, but they are pricey. Many of the people I know and talk with are coping with this process by having their aging parents in their homes.

You spend a good deal of your life separating from your parents. In fact, this process begins at birth. The infant is trained to sleep alone. The toddler is trained to wait for attention and satisfaction. The school‑aged child must be separated from the parent and placed in the care of strangers. The teen must go away to camp and thrive among peers. The college student must live separately and plan for a future life of their own. The adult can move anywhere in the world and connect occasionally through Zoom or other means.

Then your parent ages and can no longer live independently. At first, you may hire someone to come to their home occasionally to do cleaning and meal preparation. Then you begin to see the signs that they need more services and more oversight. The fancy step‑down places are not affordable, so you modify your home.

You could take two bedrooms upstairs and make one a sitting room with a cozy chair and a TV, and the other a bedroom. After all, your children are gone, and you hardly go into those rooms. You could renovate the basement so there are no steps to climb, and you have separation between upstairs and downstairs. It sounds very British.

All of this is quite good. Then the decline continues. Thinking is disrupted, memory is compromised, and your parent needs more oversight. They cannot be depended on to take their medication at the right time or in the right dose. They cannot take themselves to appointments, so you find time in your day to drive them, wait, and sit in on the doctor’s feedback.

The stages of life have come full circle. They took care of you when you were totally dependent. You are taking care of them as their dependence increases.

Preparing for this stage of life is not easy. I hope you have saved the old photo albums and your uncle’s videotapes of the camping trips and birthday parties. I hope you have a decent singing voice or are willing to sing anyway, as old songs and nursery rhymes can be comforting. I remember seeing a video of an older woman who had not spoken a word in a couple of years. A visitor began singing a nursery rhyme, and the older woman joined in, a smile of comfort spreading across her face, a powerful connection made at last.

Parenting our parents is an act of love, grief, memory, and endurance. It asks us to stretch emotionally in ways we never imagined, and it reminds us that connection—at every stage of life—is what sustains us.

For more reflections on caregiving, aging, and emotional connection, visit Psychology Today’s insights on family caregiving and Greater Good’s research on compassion and aging.

If you are navigating the emotional and logistical challenges of caring for an aging parent, therapy can offer grounding, clarity, and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that help families move through this transition with steadiness and compassion.

Snow, Speed, Sledding, and the Memories That Stay With Us

Winter has a way of pulling us back into childhood. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection celebrates the thrill of sledding, the joy of shared moments, and the timeless magic of snow‑covered hills.

“Rosebud.” Does that ring a bell? If you are as old as I am, you will recognize it as the last line of the movie Citizen Kane, a 1941 classic starring Orson Welles. The sled was a childhood memory.

Today is a day for sledding and creating memories. The snow, topped with ice, has not been cleared from the streets in our neighborhood and probably will not be cleared for another day. That means the hill beside our house is loaded with kids and sleds. Some of those sleds hit 30 mph before slowing to a stop at the bottom of a very long hill.

I am tempted to try it myself. However, the safer bet is to enjoy it from the sunroom window, which acts as a box seat to the show. Kids of all ages and sleds of all types are sailing down the hill. The “Rosebud” type of sled, with a wooden top and runners, is nowhere to be seen. The plastic dish seems to be the favorite—just a round piece of plastic with a slight curve like a bowl. Then there is the toboggan, with its curled front and long tail, that can hold two or three at a time. So far, no one has tried the plastic bag, but I bet someone is thinking about it.

The Olympics are being advertised on television, and that really fast sled that takes a windy path and looks truly dangerous would be at home on this hill.

My favorite memory of sledding comes not from my childhood but from my daughters. Snow started falling shortly after her bedtime and came down in torrents. By 4 a.m., at least three feet of it covered the ground and the roads. It was wet, slick snow—perfect for sledding. So, of course, we woke her up, bundled all of us up, and headed for the hill in the neighborhood. At first, we had the place to ourselves and made these gorgeous tracks as we sped down the hill. The climb back up was not easy, but worth it every time. Then, at 5 a.m., other families had caught on, and the hill filled with squeals, laughter, and screams as children and parents sped down.

I can appreciate why people love to ski. First, there is the view from the ski lift as you climb up the mountain. Part of you is amazed at how far you can see and how beautifully the hills are bathed in white. Part of you hopes they have maintained these cables year after year. When you reach the top and face the downhill, you tend to catch your breath. A sense of freedom takes over as the cold air enters your lungs. Swinging back and forth down the hill to slow your progression ever so slightly helps keep you on your skis. The best part, however, is the hot chocolate waiting by the fire at the lodge.

Want to explore more about nostalgia, winter rituals, and emotional well‑being? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on memory and emotion and Greater Good’s research on shared joy and connection.

If this reflection stirs warm memories or inspires you to reconnect with joy, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, grounding, and emotional well‑being.

I REFUSE MYSELF

Memory, Fragmentation, and the Courage to Reclaim What’s Hidden

To refuse oneself is not rejection—it’s a call to reconciliation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early trauma, sensory memory, and emotional fragmentation shape our sense of self, and why healing begins with acceptance.

What an odd phrase. When a friend of mine stated this, I had to capture it. As I reflect on this phrase, many possibilities come to mind. I must admit that the first thing that came to mind was thinking of the words “to recuse myself.” Now, I know they are in no way related, but face it, the sound grabbed me, so my brain followed it. To recuse myself means that I have a conflict of interest and cannot participate in a legal proceeding. So, what does it mean to “refuse” me?

To “refuse” myself must mean that I am unwilling to accept myself. That separation between me and me would be painful, even if it were possible. Is it possible to refuse me? How would I do it? For what concern or reason? Have I worked with clients who have or are refusing themselves? Sadly, the answer to that is “yes.” They are not refusing all of themselves, but we spend time refusing parts of ourselves.

So, what parts of myself am I refusing? What parts of yourself are you refusing? Now that we know it is possible and we are likely to do this, let us dig deeper. To appreciate that we can refuse parts of ourselves, we must first recognize that we all have parts that remain silent or dormant. Our brain has been recording information from birth. Our brains kept a record of our experiences long before we could speak or read. Those experiences are recorded in images, sounds, sights, smells, touch, etc. Tapping into those will not be easy.

However, I suggest that each one of you has had the experience of those early memories resurrecting themselves. Often, I find that a smell will cause memories to come flooding back. The sense of smell is an essential stimulus in early childhood. Events in early childhood can easily be encoded in association with the sense of smell. The sweet smell of sugar cookies fresh from the oven. The putrid smell of manure from the milking cows in the barn. One scent can lead to an entire morning tumbling out of your brain.

Touch memories are also powerful and sometimes surprising. If we have been physically hurt or abused, we will easily flinch or withdraw when we experience a similar motion. If your father used his belt to paddle you, then your lover’s removal of his belt will probably cause you to recoil. Our brains hold onto these experiences and act like they are happening again. I know we all carry painful memories that we want to banish. However, this “refusing” of myself is not the best approach.

Early traumas stored in non-verbal ways will sneak into the present and impact our current relationships without knowing what is happening. Because of this, I want to pay attention. I want to catch the moment of shock, recoil, or sadness and understand the importance of that reaction. I have an opportunity to capture a childhood injury and repair it. I want to be grateful for that opportunity and not “refuse” myself.

Want to explore how self-forgiveness and memory integration support healing? Visit The Happiness Doctor’s reflections on self-forgiveness, Kerry McAvoy’s guide to reclaiming repressed memories, and Sacred Humans’ insights on healing repressed emotions.

If you’re reflecting on identity, trauma, or emotional integration, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and wholeness.

Having Patience in Winter and How Focusing Outside Yourself Helps the Season Move Along

If you are anything like me, winter has overstayed its welcome. The cold, the gray, the endless waiting for signs of life, none of it feels inspiring when you’re craving warmth and color.

If you are like me, you are sick of winter. When the sun comes out, I am crawling around the garden looking for signs of life. Come on! I am not a snow bunny. I do not ski. I put away my ice skates decades ago. Ice storms are not good for making snowballs, and I have no one to compete with in a snowball fight anyway. Come on! Where are the signs of spring that I need?

I may be having a bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder. As humans, we really do need sunlight, and our bodies and brains function better when nourished by it. That is why some people have replaced all their light bulbs with natural light bulbs. Light bulbs can mimic sunlight. They are known as full‑spectrum light bulbs and are a great solution for maintaining a healthy mood through the winter months. Go on. Change every bulb in the house.

Since you have to be inside for longer periods and you have now changed all the light bulbs, what is next? How you spend your time is critical. What do you nurture? Yep. Caring for something is actually healthy. Focusing outside of ourselves helps our brains be more creative and reduces stress. So, what are you caring about?

Me? I am caring for you! I write this blog as an act of caring.

You may be caring for a pet. Cats are self‑sustaining. Dogs need to be walked. Iguanas need places to climb. Turtles need a pond. Whatever your favorite, caring for something else is healthy for us. You might also be caring for a collection of plants. The point is to focus on something outside yourself. When you do this, you are exercising your brain.

Your brain needs exercise to stay healthy. Focusing outside yourself, setting expectations, and even taking on obligations are healthy. Perhaps you have an elderly parent you visit regularly or a collection of African violets that need attention each week. The exact object of your focus is not as important as having the focus itself.

We are born connected to another, and we spend our lives seeking connection. Being connected to caring for something or someone outside of ourselves is an important part of keeping us healthy.

The winter can go faster when you focus outside of yourself.

Want to explore more about mood, connection, and the psychology of seasonal change? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on emotional well‑being and Greater Good’s research on connection and resilience.

If winter feels heavy or isolating, therapy can help you reconnect with purpose and emotional steadiness. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding and emotional health.

MY BRAIN ON MENTAL STEROIDS

Overstimulation, Nostalgia, and the Future of Cognitive Overload

Our brains weren’t built for this pace. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how screen saturation and mental overload shape our emotional health, and why slowing down might be the most radical act of self-care.

Are you on overload? Some form of stimulation assaults your brain every minute of every day. I see people with a device in their hand “ALL THE TIME” and hear parents complain about losing their children to “screens.” This is serious.

I long for the days when screens were unavailable, or it meant piling everyone into the car on a lovely Spring evening and going to the drive-in movies. Remember the drive-in? The car would climb a little hump as you parked in a space so that your seat would be aimed precisely right to see the giant outdoor screen. Then, you would have to wrestle this metal box into the car and hang it on one of the windows so that you could hear what was going on in the movie. With all that settled, someone would be sent to the “canteen” near the front of the lot to buy popcorn and sodas. If you arrive early enough for a good spot, the kids could go to the playground, swing, and climb onto the jungle gym. As the previews started, everyone would scatter back to their cars and settle in for the big show.

I remember my favorite movies were “Ma and Pa Kettle.” Whenever one of those came out, we were guaranteed a trip to the Drive-In. The two main characters were hilarious as they tried to manage a ramshackle farm and a pack of unruly children. Such joy was felt when identifying with the children who could get away with anything. They were so rambunctious that Ma and Pa posted a sign: “Be-ware of childrun” to warn visitors to look out for sling-shot missiles and other things.

The pace in those days was much slower. Sometimes, I long for that slower pace and for the cell phone to be silent. I want to sit on the back porch in my rocking chair and talk with the person sitting next to me rather than texting them to find out what they are thinking.

Yet, I can imagine what my grandchildren will be reminiscing about. They will be longing for the cell phone days when they could carry this shiny box in their hands and choose to text a friend, listen to a song, or watch a movie on that sweet little box. Instead, they will be experiencing their children tapping the sides of their heads to turn on the implant in their brains that will give them the morning news and weather. I suppose we will always need the morning weather report. So, that will be good news for all the meteorologists out there. Your jobs are safe.

Science tells us that our brains have much more capacity than we use, so there may be room for a few different implants to have distinct functions. My great-grandchildren may be able to pull up old movies and watch them in their minds. That would be great fun. Or they could hold the details of their stock investments and have some part of their brain constantly monitoring the market to make the right move at the right time. Everyone will work from home because their brains can connect remotely.

I will stick with the rocking chair on the porch.

Want to explore how screen time and overstimulation affect mental health? Visit Stanford Lifestyle Medicine’s guide to screen time and brain health, Science of Mind’s breakdown of mental overload, and NeuroLaunch’s insights on mental stimulation and brain chemistry.

If you’re reflecting on cognitive health, emotional clarity, or digital balance, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and mental wellness.