Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

How Early Experiences Shape the Reactions We Can’t Explain

Conflict leaves an imprint long before we have words for it. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early, preverbal experiences of tension and fear can shape emotional responses throughout adulthood.

Here is an example: Imagine that, as an infant, your parents fought with each other frequently. The scene features yelling and screaming, with numerous threats and curses from each person. You are a babe in arms and a witness to all the shouting and pushing. Of course, you are crying, which only adds to the trauma as your parents blame each other for your meltdown.

You may have no conscious memory of these fights, and your parents may have engaged in repair that led them to stop all of this fighting. There may be no stories about these early fights either. Yet, the impact on you remains. In situations where people begin to raise their voices in anger or tension, you begin to shrink and long to escape. You don’t seem to have the capability of standing up for yourself, even when the action is reasonable and just. This puzzles you, but you can’t figure it out.

Your brain can help you if you give it the right prompts. This memory is stored in images and sounds and not in language. Your language storage unit was not online at the time. Take a piece of plain paper and let your brain provide the shapes, images, and intensity that you experienced in that moment.

I have published two “deep dive” books to help you with this process:

• Read, Reflect, Respond: The 3 R’s of Growth and Change
• Return, Revisit, Renew: The 3 R’s of Deeper Discovery

The books contain essays, and you are free to jump around and select one that speaks to you at the time. The facing pages are blank, giving your brain the freedom to write, draw, scribble, or even be physical with the page and tear it up. The point is that you can access nonverbal memories that help you understand emotional experiences long before you could talk.

With this data, you can explore emotional stress and trauma that have established a “response cluster” that is automatic when faced with similar processes. The term “response cluster” is borrowed from humanitarian crisis work and fits well here. A sudden conflict between parents in front of infants is like a volcanic eruption or a tsunami, leading to definite emotional harm.

Accessing that harm requires tapping into your nonverbal storage. As you allow pictures, movies, feelings—both emotional and physical—and even smells to surface, you will find that your brain will open storage lockers where these early traumas have been housed.

You now have the data to investigate, process, and understand behaviors in the present that have been limiting how you think and function.

Want to explore more about early emotional memory, conflict responses, and healing preverbal trauma? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on emotional development and Greater Good’s research on trauma, resilience, and the brain.

If this reflection resonates with your own experience of conflict or unexplained emotional reactions, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, insight, and emotional freedom.