Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

SHAVING

Emotional Suppression, Gender Norms, and the Cost of Cultural Conditioning

Not all shaving happens with a razor. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional suppression—especially in boys—is a cultural practice that shapes identity, relationships, and resilience.

OK, I know your immediate association was either men shaving their beards or women shaving their legs and armpits, but that is not the kind of shaving I am referencing.

I am talking about shaving off the natural abilities for experiencing and expressing emotions. As our children age, we begin shaving to eliminate or reduce their access to different feeling states. When my grandparents were alive and well two generations ago, this shaving was pretty close to a complete scalping. Feelings were discouraged because they would get in the way of survival. My grandparents started their marriage by living in a Lean-To. Look it up. Or, no, wait, I will describe it. A lean-to is made of branches and sticks found in the woods. The branches have one end on or stuck into the ground, while the far end runs skyward and is held up by another branch buried in the ground. The angled branches are held together with rope or strips of hide. The front of the lean-to is wide open and exposed to the elements. If you put yourself in that kind of “home,” you realize the couple did not have much time for emotional expression. They were too busy focusing on survival.

On the other hand, my parents, representative of the next generation, started their marriage in a sturdy three-bedroom home made of brick and clapboard. This comfortable place gave them more free time to express themselves and experience various emotions. Since they were not constantly focused on survival, they could appreciate being happy, having fun, being curious, or just exploring. Still, some actual shaving was going on as society systematically reduced the male’s access to the full range of feeling states. As a culture, we saw fit to deny the male population access to the full range of emotional expression. They were allowed negative feelings of irritation, anger, and even rage but denied access to more positive emotions such as tenderness, closeness, and attachment. Feelings of longing or neediness were taboo.

We now know that males come into the world with access to the full range of emotional expression. Some research indicates that male infants have a broader range of emotions than their female counterparts. Yet, we systematically train them to eliminate the more tender, vulnerable feelings in favor of macho, strong, emotionless expression. No wonder our jail population is predominantly male. We shave off their emotional capabilities before they can walk.

How do we expect them to be insightful about the feelings of others, particularly their wives, mothers, and female friends or colleagues? The expectation that I will take a capability away from you and then expect you to access it at will is the very definition of insanity. The men in your life are trained to deny any feelings they have unless they fall on the irritation and anger end of the spectrum. The only way to change this is to stop shaving our little boys.

Want to explore how emotional suppression and gender norms shape development? Visit Gender Study’s guide to emotional expression and gender, Meet the Motivators’ reflections on shaving and body neutrality, and University of Toronto’s inquiry into shaving and gender construction.

If you’re reflecting on emotional development, gender identity, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.