Why Good People Fall for Scams and What It Says About Human Nature
About three years ago, I was having lunch with a large group of ladies. About 25 of us were seated at a very long table in the restaurant’s main dining room. You know how that goes. You talk with the 4 or 5 people closest to you and catch bits and pieces of the conversations happening down the table. That day, one conversation at the opposite end of the table stopped us all and brought us to silence when a woman shared her story of being scammed.
She received a call from her “nephew.” They had a long-standing, close relationship, and at one point, he had lived with her for a few years. She had rescued him from an abusive household and supported him through years of middle and high school. The bond was close, and she cared deeply for him. He was away at college, and it was summer. She had not heard from him recently, but she was delighted to get this call.
His voice was a bit odd, and as he explained, he had emergency surgery the day before that had left him hoarse. He called because his trip to the emergency room the night before had gone badly. His backpack had been rifled through, and someone had stolen all of his money along with his credit cards. He had put a stop on his cards and was confident that his credit was not at risk, but he had no cash, was on a trip in a strange city, and needed her to wire him some money.
He was prepared for the process and helped her understand the directions so she could complete the task efficiently. And yes, you guessed it. She wired him several thousand dollars to replace the bundle that he claimed had been stolen. He would, of course, report this to the police, and he was sooo grateful to her.
The next day, she checked on him and discovered he had not been traveling. He had had no visits to the ER and had never requested cash from her. He was living in his dorm and going to summer school to lighten his load for the next semester.
Ouch! Scammed.
We are all vulnerable because we have people we love. When a loved one is in trouble, a special part of us kicks in and becomes hyper-focused on solving the problem. In hindsight, we see several places where the story could have been different. She could have asked more questions. She could have insisted on speaking to someone at the hospital to complain about the shoddy security that had let someone rifle through his backpack. All of those ideas are good. None of them occurred to her at the time.
Now, you must be asking why. In hindsight, there are numerous questions and places where the story could have become clearer. Why do those only occur to you after the incident and not during it?
Because you are human, and when you love someone, care for them, and experience them in trouble, your brain does this funny thing. Your brain hyper-focuses. This is an adaptive mechanism, even though it can lead to a problem later. The hyper-focus is designed to eliminate extraneous material so your resources can be laser-focused on solving the problem.
We were designed to hyper-focus in emergencies. This skill lets us gather energy and function efficiently. All our mental and physical resources zero in on solving the problem. I remember reading a story about a father in a life-or-death situation when his young son got trapped under a car wheel. The guy lifted the car off the boy. He used strength he had never known before and would never know again. His laser focus enabled him to find a Superman inside. If he had stopped to consider his options, his son would have died. We are programmed to sacrifice for our children and draw on reserves we did not know we had.
In emergencies, your brain filters out everything but the most urgent information. When you look at the situation later, you see all the places where you could have asked a question, chosen a different path, or taken a break. However, your brain is designed to suppress those thoughts in urgent situations. It considers them extraneous to the emergency. This is a healthy mechanism, but unfortunately, people can use it to take advantage of you.
When scammed, you feel really bad. You see all the places where you could have stopped the scammer, and you wonder why you did not take any of those paths. You are designed not to take those paths in an emergency.
I know one woman who has established a code word with her children for this very reason. She hopes she will remember to use the process. If she ever gets an “emergency” call from any of them, she demands, “Tell me!” in a loud, bold voice. That command triggers the child to blurt out the code word. That sounds to me like a great system for a family.
Perhaps you will never be scammed. Perhaps you have already been scammed.
Know this. Your humanity was tested. And you passed.
Explore related reflections:
https://drvanderhorst.com/the-right-mindset/The Right Mindset blog
https://drvanderhorst.com/seasonal-reflections/Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches
Learn more from trusted consumer protection resources:
https://consumer.ftc.gov/scamsFederal Trade Commission Scam Alerts
https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/AARP Fraud Watch Network
https://www.ic3.govFBI Internet Crime Complaint Center
If you are coping with the emotional aftermath of betrayal, loss, or a difficult experience, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, healing, and personal growth.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
