Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

When Three Letters Mean Something Very Different Than You Expect

What comes to mind when you read ICBM? For many, the immediate association is an intercontinental ballistic missile—a delivery system designed to carry nuclear weapons across the globe. A defining characteristic of an ICBM is its ability to leave Earth’s atmosphere to achieve long‑range distances. Operating at extraordinary speed, these systems can reach targets within thirty minutes of launch. Their purpose is deterrence: to place nations on equal footing and make the risks of war too high to pursue. Though regularly tested, they have never been used in a nuclear strike.

But today, we are not talking about nuclear capability.

In this context, ICBM stands for the International Council for Men and Boys, a non‑governmental organization advocating for gender equality for men and boys. Many people are surprised to learn that men and boys can face disadvantages in areas such as education, health, family law, and the criminal justice system. This organization is dedicated to educating the public and supporting men in becoming better fathers, caring for their physical health, ensuring equal rights in parenting, and improving access to mental health care to reduce criminal activity.

This social initiative has the potential for global impact. November 2026 will highlight the organization’s goals, encouraging individuals, professionals, and institutions to take action to improve support for men and boys. The organization is also seeking formal recognition by the United Nations.

Some may wonder why this focus is necessary. Professionals from around the world have identified twelve areas where men face disadvantages: education, health, child labor, false allegations, violence, parenting, the criminal justice system, partner abuse, homelessness, workplace challenges, adoption and reproductive rights, and media representation.

You can learn more at www.menandboys.net.

For more reflections on emotional development, gender, and the psychology of social systems, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you or someone you love is navigating questions about identity, emotional expression, or systemic pressures, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that foster emotional insight, resilience, and connection.

Why Children Have So Much Emotional Energy and Adults Use It Differently

Have you ever walked into a room and felt the “vibe”? Do you have a friend or colleague who seems to exude energy?

What is this stuff?

Emotions. What are they? How many could you name? Seriously, stop right now and make a list. How many emotions come to mind?

If you downloaded the feelings sheet from my website, you know there are many, and I am confident others could be named and added to the list.

Why should I care? Why should you care?

Feelings drive the world. That is why we should care.

You think coal or wood are good energy sources? You think gasoline is a powerhouse? Have you ever spent a day or an afternoon with a two-year-old? That is an energy source.

Children seem to have this unending supply of energy. Ask any grandmother who is babysitting her grandchild as a toddler, and you will be talking to one exhausted lady. Toddlers seem to have an unending supply of energy. Their bodies are in constant motion. There is no such thing as a resting toddler. To shut them off, you have to tie them down practically.

I have never seen a toddler ready for a nap. Even when apparently exhausted, they will fight to keep going. What is the source of this energy?

A recent study on exercise physiology clarifies the truth and completes the picture. Children have more energy than endurance athletes who train with serious intent. Children have a metabolism designed to produce more energy and sustain energetic effort. They have this natural wealth of energy that athletes spend hours training to develop, and yet the child will beat them every time. That is so unfair.

Why is this energy wasted on the young? Children can reset their heart rate, reduce muscle fatigue naturally, and recover from exertion faster than the best-trained athlete. They have this ability naturally. Wow! No wonder we want to be a kid again.

But what is the reason? I am serious. Why is such an elegant capability given to the young when the older ones could really use it? This must have something to do with survival. Perhaps, as cavemen, the young had to be more energetic or independent to survive. Perhaps the first few years of life are so stressful that they need extra energy to adjust to this complicated world. Maybe it is not wasted on the young.

The physiology of this ability is interesting. Children can remove lactate from their system faster than an adult. That means they can clear the chemistry that triggers fatigue quickly, giving them an enviable ability to recharge. Children can reset their heart rate quickly and recover from exhaustion easily. Children have a physical recovery capacity that even the best athletes envy. Oh, to be a child again!

Their capacity for engagement seems to be endless. If you have ever cared for your grandchildren, you know exactly what I mean. Nap time is not designed for toddlers. It is designed for grandmothers!

As we age, our emotional energy shifts. We focus on regulation. Think of the boardroom scene. You have critical information to present, and yet you cannot be impulsive. You have to be strategic. You cannot blurt something out like the toddler at the dinner table. You have to plan and wait for the right moment, or break the communication into pieces and place them strategically throughout the meeting.

The grown-up has a completely different task. Sure, that takes energy. But it is a different kind of energy. Toddlers are not strategic. Adults must be.

An adult’s emotional energy is different and lends itself to planning and strategy. A toddler’s emotional energy is a pure reaction to the present. There’s joy in that, and the innocence is valuable.

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Individual Therapy in Maryland and DC
Therapeutic Approaches

Learn more from trusted child development and psychology resources:
Harvard Center on the Developing Child
American Psychological Association – Child Development
Psychology Today – Child Development

If you are interested in emotional growth, child development, or understanding how emotions shape behavior throughout life, therapy can provide valuable insight. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, self-awareness, and lifelong growth.

Understanding the Body, the Brain, and the Early Roots That Shape Who We Become

We all have complicated pasts. The life we live seems as complicated as the body we came in with.

Have you ever really stopped to think about the number of systems in your body, the complicated nature of their interface, the detail of each structure? The human body is truly a miraculous system. Take any part or structure, and the amazement keeps tumbling. Of course, we are all familiar with the skeleton that gives us form. Muscles and tendons give us movement with ease and grace. Sinew is an interesting tissue that connects muscle to bone. Without it, we would flop around and not make headway. Then, of course, there are the nerves that send signals to keep things moving and functioning. And I have not even introduced the brain, which is the command-and-control center. Then we have genes, of course. Did you know we carry genetic material from the past three generations of our family? That dream you had the other night, where you were in some strange place decades before you were born, was probably a scene from one of those distant relatives.

So, of all of these parts, which ones are critical directors of the show?

I used to think that my teeth were just simple, rock-like structures in my mouth, designed to masticate a variety of foods to help keep me alive. Boy, was I wrong. Your mouth, apparently, controls, influences, and impacts every other part of your body. Believe it or not, your mouth protects the health of your whole body. Suddenly, the dentist that you fear becomes a very important person for your future. If you really do fear going to a dentist, find one who uses anesthesia so you can take care of that mouth! The connection to your whole-body health is massively important.

You know what else tends to be ignored or discounted but truly counts a ton? Your early history! Infancy is not just something to get through. Infancy and toddlerhood shape and influence the rest of your life, emotionally. That sense of shyness that you get in new places could have its beginning in infancy. Perhaps being frightened by Uncle George on every visit was not so funny after all. Early experiences are the root for later behavior that blossoms unbidden. Think of early experiences like the foundation of a home. When the foundation is solid, you can build a complex structure to sustain you over the long term and add to it at will. If the foundation is not solid, the walls will soon bow out, the roof will leak, the chimney will separate from the wall, and any attempt to add on will be fraught with problems that will create more problems.

Your past is your foundation. Everyone’s is complicated, some more than others. The good news is that if you take your past seriously, get help understanding it, and truly grasp the connections between your infant/toddler experiences and your current feelings, you can rebuild and strengthen the foundation. You can choose to grow and change.

Your past is truly present. Get to know it.

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted psychology and health resources:
American Psychological Association – Child Development
Psychology Today – Attachment & Early Experience
Mayo Clinic – Whole Body Health

If you are exploring your past, seeking clarity, or working to understand long‑standing emotional patterns, therapy can offer grounding and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

Grace at 30,000 Feet: A Relationship Story of Ego, Respect, and Emotional Growth

Travel reveals more than destinations, it reveals character and the depth of a relationship. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how moments of tension can become lessons in humility, connection, and emotional maturity.

Travel can be stressful. I think about boarding a plane and how exhausted and frustrated everyone looks as they drag their carry-ons behind them, juggling backpacks or children.

Travel can be exhausting and frustrating. Then, sometimes, it can show us grace.

Did anyone see the recent video of Clint Eastwood speaking with a passenger on an airline?

The story is filled with respect and grace. An egotistical passenger takes an older man’s assigned seat because he wants a window instead of the aisle. The older gentleman speaks kindly to him, clearly wanting to sit in his own assigned seat. The flight attendant is not effective, and the pilot is called. The pilot, having authority, resolves the situation, and the man finally returns to his assigned seat—though not without demanding to speak with the airline’s head about how disrespected he was and how important he is.

The passenger gets his meeting with the airline executive, only to find the older man sitting alone in the conference room. He is shocked, confused, and disoriented. Why is this troublesome old man here, and where is the airline executive?

You can probably guess the ending. The older man is Clint Eastwood, the airline’s chief executive. The kindness he shows is a lesson for us all. He treats the egotist with respect, educates him, and gives him valuable homework: to apologize to both the flight attendant and the pilot.

Oh, that each of us could be treated with such respect when we are arrogant, foolish, or obnoxious. The belief that anyone can change and grow emotionally is powerful. Holding that belief and figuring out how to put it into practice is remarkable. I will never walk down a boarding ramp again without checking my ego and remembering that story.

Want to explore how emotional growth and relational grace shape our lives? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to handling difficult people with grace and Greater Good’s article on fostering emotional growth in relationships.

If you’re navigating relational tension, emotional reactivity, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, humility, and connection.

How Our Bodies and Minds Signal the Need for Connection through Emotional Pain

Pain is not just discomfort, it is survival. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how physical and emotional pain serve as alarms, guiding us toward healing and connection.

Pain is a natural feeling. It lets us know when to pay attention. Our bodies are programmed to help us stay safe. If we stress a muscle, it will ache and catch our attention. If we cut ourselves while chopping vegetables, the pain signals the brain, alerting us to attend to the wound. Our bodies possess a natural alarm system that protects us from harm.

This alarm system is designed to detect two types of pain: physical and emotional. Pain signals us to pay attention. We are all very good at attending to physical pain. It often comes with bodily injury: blood, scrapes, and breaks. Emotional pain is more difficult to discern. It is not really visible, and it does not come with any oozing bodily fluids. Emotional pain is internal and accumulates over time. When our complaints are ignored and we feel hurt, that pain is stored in a mental repository in our brains.

We hold emotional pain over time. Unlike physical pain, which can be attended to and healed, emotional pain can often go unattended. It can fester, and it can hide for long periods. Emotional pain can be a silent stressor.

Let’s look at one example to help us understand. Consider an infant who is rejected at birth and adopted into a new family. Many people think that this process occurs without recognition or pain for the infant. However, that would completely deny the experience of being housed in another human for nine months. We know for sure that the fetus exhibits social and emotional awareness in the last trimester of pregnancy. They hear the voices and noises in the mother’s environment. Attachment begins at this time. The “baby inside” responds to auditory stimuli. Music is a favorite and can elicit motion, as though the fetus were keeping time with it. At birth, this person already knows the mother through sound and, probably, the father or other family members who have been talking to them for months. These memories stay with the person. In large part, they account for the adoptee seeking out the birth mother later in life and learning about their biological family. Once this connection is made, a change comes over the person. The reconnection appears to provide them with a sense of belonging.

Once the adoptee connects with the birth mother, a sense of self deepens. I have often heard an adoptee tell the story of connecting with the birth mother. They are profoundly changed. Their sense of belonging, even within their adopted family, deepens. They recognize aspects of themselves in this biological family, and suddenly that habit makes sense and can be embraced more fully.

We are born connected to another human. We spend our lives seeking connection with others. The adoptee seeks out the birth mother to complete the connection.

Want to explore more about pain, survival, and emotional connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on understanding emotional pain and Greater Good’s guide to how connection heals emotional pain.

If you’re reflecting on emotional pain, survival, or healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

The Memories, the Mischief, and the Magic of a Perfect Crust

What just popped into your head? Your favorite pie? Your grandmother’s kitchen? The pie disaster you did not anticipate? Whatever it was, welcome the memory.

Pie is a wonderful dessert. It comes in all flavors, and the “container” of a beautiful golden-brown crust is worth a shout-out on its own. Do you take the leftover crust and bake it on a cookie sheet so you can stuff it in your mouth while the pie bakes? That is the best!

Pie is full of memories for me. Growing up one generation removed from the farm meant numerous weekends in my grandmother’s kitchen, rolling out dough, sneaking bits of filling, and stuffing my mouth with pie dough scraps while waiting for the real thing to finish baking. My grandmother’s kitchen was huge, with two big stoves. One was wood-fired, and the other was electric. She used each of those depending on what she was making and how much of it, too. Pie scraps were always a treat, and you, of course, rolled the dough thin so you would have several scraps.

Pie is adaptable. Depending on the season, you can make a pie out of almost anything. You can even make meat pies! But my favorite fruit pie was the cherry pie. You had to pick the cherries off the tree in the orchard, then pit them with this little pokey thing, which could be cantankerous at times. If you were not careful, you could poke a hole in your palm. Keeping your palm out of the way was a challenge.

Now, you might think that apples would be a favorite, as the apple orchard was always loaded. But apples come in a variety of flavors, and if you don’t get it right, the pie can be on the sour side. So, cherries were more dependable, even though you had to pick more of them. The cherry orchard was also a favorite place for the bees, so you had to be careful, or at least be brave, to climb the ladder in the cherry orchard.

Did you know that you can also make a pie out of crackers? That was a new one! You can take Ritz crackers and make a pie that resembles an apple pie. Who knew? The Ritz people spent some time playing with that before they got it right.

Pie is comforting. You can be in a really foul mood or depressed because you missed a blue ribbon at the County Fair, and a slice of pie with ice cream can perk you right up. So, what if you missed the blue ribbon and ended up with the red? Next year, you know what you have to do to beat that girl.

Pie can rescue you from any foul mood. Sometimes making it is just as good as eating it. The hardest to make is the cherry one. First, you have to fight off the bees to pick the cherries, then it seems to take forever to pit the dang things before plopping them into the crust. But the result is heavenly!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted culinary and food‑history resources:
King Arthur Baking Company
Serious Eats
Smithsonian Magazine – Food & Culture

If you are navigating emotional transitions, sensory grounding, or the comfort of familiar rituals, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

How Reflection Helps Us Revisit Our Stories and Renew Our Growth Path Forward

Good to see you,

I recently joined Temitope Adegoke on The School of Heritage for a thoughtful conversation about reflection, self-awareness, and the process of creating meaningful change in our lives.

In my book, Return, Revisit, Renew: The 3 Rs of Deeper Discovery, I explore how returning to our stories and revisiting our experiences can help us understand ourselves more deeply. When we take the time to reflect instead of simply reacting, we create the opportunity to respond with greater awareness and wisdom.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why reflection is an important part of personal growth
• How revisiting past experiences can lead to greater self-understanding
• The difference between reacting from old patterns and responding with awareness
• How our stories can help us discover patterns that continue to influence our lives
• Why slowing down and becoming curious about ourselves can create meaningful change
• How reflection can lead us toward renewal, clarity, and growth

Growth does not always require us to learn something entirely new. Sometimes, it begins by looking again at what we already know, seeing it from a different perspective, and allowing that understanding to change how we move forward.

I hope this conversation encourages you to slow down, reflect, and become curious about the stories that have shaped you.

Listen to the full episode:
Read, Reflect, Respond – Podcast Episode

Rooting for your growth,

Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted psychology and personal growth resources:
Psychology Today – Self‑Awareness
Greater Good Science Center – Self‑Awareness
American Psychological Association – Mental Health

If you are navigating personal growth, emotional transitions, or questions about your story, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

PUBLIC SPEAKING

Voice, Vulnerability, and the Bicycle Theory of Courage

Public speaking isn’t just performance, it’s purpose. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the emotional journey of speaking aloud, the fear many face, and the support systems that make it possible to grow.

How many of you have been or are engaged in public speaking?

Remember in grade school when you had to go to the front of the class and give a presentation? I know that some kids in my class actually stayed home sick that day because they were so afraid. I was precisely the opposite. I could not wait to get in front of the class, stand as tall as possible (which was pretty hard since I was short), and belt out my speech. I suppose I liked speaking because I also like singing. The audience didn’t intimidate me at all. I thought of them as quite friendly and was happy to present my song or speech as the occasion required.

Recently, I have been speaking on podcasts about my recent book for journaling and about some of my history as well. Speaking is a comfortable situation for me, as the host of each podcast has been well-versed and engaging. The podcast is like having a lovely conversation with a friend.

So, why do so many people fear public speaking?

I have a theory that I will call “the bicycle theory” of public speaking. Now, hang in there with me. Most American children learn to ride a bicycle. Riding requires a lot of trial and error. The rider also needs support. Learning to ride a bike requires both the learner and the teacher. I remember our neighbors teaching their girls to ride. The father had a long pole that attached to the back of the seat and enabled him to keep the bike upright while the child attempted to pedal and balance. Seeing him walk, then run down the street, was quite a sight! Eventually, all three girls were successful with the bike.

So, how does learning to ride a bike relate to public speaking? There are two essential common elements: a coach and repetition. No one is great at public speaking the first time out of the box. Speaking to strangers takes practice. Just like learning to ride a bike, you need support, encouragement, and constructive feedback. Sit up straight. Stop playing with your hair. Use your hands a bit less. Take a breath and think before you launch. Your speech teacher will present these and many other pieces of advice in the course of learning how to be a good public speaker.

But why speak in public?

History and current events show us that speaking in public can be pretty dangerous. You’d better have a good reason for taking that risk. People who speak in public have a mission and a passion. They want others to know what they know and to care. Public speaking is precisely what it says. It is a speech that others need to hear.

Want to explore how public speaking builds confidence and emotional resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the cognitive benefits of speaking and Toastmasters’ tips for overcoming fear and improving delivery.

If you’re exploring voice, vulnerability, or emotional expression, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support confidence, clarity, and connection.

Where Connection, Chaos, and Childhood All Meet at the Table for the Family Dinner

Raise your hand if your family still eats dinner together every night — or at least one night a week. I’m talking about the table in the kitchen, the dining room, or a backyard picnic table.

I grew up in an era when everyone was expected to be at the dinner table every night. You could have activities before or after dinner, but dinner was at the same time every evening, and the entire family was expected to be there. This was where the day’s adventures were shared, laughter was abundant, and the food was really good. You could skip dessert if you had a project due or a friend to meet. And yes, there was always dessert.

Dinner was a time when your parents got to take a good look at you. They never said they were using it for that, but they were quietly taking your social and emotional temperature. If they sensed something was not quite right, inevitably you would get a late‑night visit. A conversation would ensue. When something was on your mind, it was not allowed to go more than 24 hours before it was explored.

At the time, that was a pain. You knew it was coming. You tried to mask whatever it was and generally did not want to talk about it, but the inevitable visit made that impossible. Sometimes your issue was with the other parent, and despite assurances that it would remain private, you knew it would eventually be shared. Resolution was necessary for harmony. Most of the time, the issue was with another kid — a sibling or a friend. Talking it out loud did help, but you still wanted to avoid it. No matter how many times the conversation was helpful, you still resisted it.

In addition to these talks, dinner was good for other things as well. All planning took place over dinner. Who was going where and for how long. What was needed for the next school project. Embarrassing each other about girlfriends and boyfriends. Talking about upcoming vacations, Thanksgiving at Grandma’s, or the embarrassing things that happened at the last one.

So many times people talked over each other, all trying to capture the table’s attention. If you got too distracted with your story and went on too long, you would find that the sibling next to you had forked something off your plate. I learned never to ask for the salt, because while watching it travel down the table, my brother would be eating things off my plate, making the salt entirely unnecessary.

Yes, it sounds like chaos. And it probably was.

For more reflections on family connection, communication, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating family dynamics, communication challenges, or the emotional patterns shaped around the dinner table, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support connection, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

The End of the Season, the Big Questions, and the Marvel of Who Your Child Becomes

We are approaching the end of the summer camp season. When school takes a summer break, parents must find places for the children to be occupied and stretched in some way. The sleep-away camp is a challenge. How old should your child be to go to a sleep-away camp? How long should they stay that first year? Should you buttonhole a friend to send her child to the same camp so yours will have a buddy? Will your child be willing to get on the bus? Is your child ready to spend a few weeks away from home, or is day camp the only option?

The questions come flooding in. Fortunately, one of the local schools has a camp fair a month or so before you have to make these decisions. So, you gather the children and head out to the camp fair. Perhaps the children will solve this dilemma for you.

The school gymnasium is filled with booths from camps all over the region. Some are local. Some are focused on a particular sport or theme. Some are sleep-away. In that category, some are quite camping rough, and some are 5-star elegant. You watch the children as they wander around, hoping to see a spark that will help you decide. Of course, you have a budget, so the 5-star elegant may be out of reach. But for the right place, you might be willing to stretch.

That process is now long behind you, and you are preparing to pick your child up from camp. They have been going to this place year after year. On one level, you are a bit surprised at the original choice. The camp is buried deep in the mountains, with woods all around. Access is a dirt road off the state highway. You are glad you have an SUV that sits high off the ground because, at one point, you actually have to drive through a stream if it has been raining. At other times, it is a dry bed. As you pick your child up this time, you are hoping for a drought because your SUV is in the shop and you are driving the station wagon.

You marvel at what your child has been enjoying. Log cabins with no AC. Outdoor showers. Outhouses. Who is this kid? At home, luxury is a must. Hot showers with fluffy towels. Flushing toilets, of course. Fully stocked fridge and snack cabinet. Who is this kid? How are they able to be thrilled with the bare basics for 8 weeks of the summer but can’t be bothered to clean the sink after brushing their teeth? How can they muck out horse stalls and not be able to clean up the crumbs when making a sandwich? How can they fight mosquitoes while climbing to the top of the mountain and refuse to go outside to pick up the newspaper that has missed the porch and landed on the lawn?

This child is a marvel, and you can’t wait for the trip home to hear all of the stories and feel the warmth of a summer well spent.

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted youth development and camp resources:
American Camp Association
Child Mind Institute – Benefits of Summer Camp
Psychology Today – Child Development

If you are navigating parenting stress, emotional transitions, or questions about your child’s development, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.