Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

Understanding the Many Younger Parts That Shape Our Present

You know the lingo. People are talking about their inner child, even on the news! Who is this creature? It sounds a bit weird and alien. Perhaps I have this separate being living in me like a parasite. Now, I know people have parasites and that they really are not desirable. Some of them land you in the hospital and at least in the toilet for long stretches. So, let’s get serious about this kid and figure it out!

This kid can live inside of you in different forms, at different ages. Sometimes the kid is silent and hidden. Sometimes the kid is cranky and noisy. Sometimes he is driving the bus and gets you into trouble.

Now, let me pause here. I keep using the masculine pronoun as a reference. I mean no offense to the male population. It is just that I have been studying the male of the species for such a long time and writing and talking about how to do a better job of raising this guy that I get stuck on the male pronoun. So, please bear with me, and the principles apply to both males and females. Thank you.

Now, back to the truth. We all have different kids at different developmental stages living inside of our brains. Our brains are like that storage locker you acquired in college and have not yet managed to clean out and add to every once in a while. Really! Now, your brain does not hold onto everything, but it does hold onto the critical, interesting, painful, important stuff. Science shows us that it even has memories from in utero and that we have genetic material from at least the three past generations that can throw information into the present willy-nilly. We are complicated!

Now, on with your inner child. This younger part of you holds important memories and will toss them into the present when something triggers it to wake up and show up. This can happen with regularity, like feeling shy at parties and not really understanding where that comes from. This can happen uniquely with a surprise reaction to something that leaves you confused and amazed at the power of your reaction. So, actually, you are a conglomeration of earlier experiences, and you are adding to this collection all along the way.

You might think of yourself as a collage that keeps adding things as you experience new things and meet different people. You are complicated.

The “inner child” is actually many different children. You may have an infant part that was traumatized by a physical problem or a huge fight between your parents. You may have a toddler part that was abused by a sibling or neglected by a parent. Oh, there are plenty of other parts hanging around in your brain. So, why am I talking about these parts? Because they are alive and well and guiding your behavior in the present. They have no choice! They think they are helpful! Unless you get to know them and figure out their job, they will keep doing it forever. Maybe you do not need them anymore! That would be such a relief for you and for them. They have been working hard. FOREVER! Give them a break. Take the time to get to know them so they can figure out if they need to hang around or can go on vacation!

Explore related reflections:
The Right Mindset blog
Seasonal reflections
Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted psychology and trauma resources:
Psychology Today – Inner Child
NIH – Early Development & Memory
American Psychological Association – Trauma

If you are navigating emotional patterns, childhood memories, or personal growth, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

Falling Into Fall, Ready or Not

I wake to a darker morning as the calendar creeps forward. I am searching for my winter pajamas even though yesterday was 90 degrees. The house feels damper, and I am looking for my sweater more often than not. But yesterday we took this lovely drive in the convertible, so my body is confused. What season is this, anyway?

Ah, I remember, this is the experience of Fall. It is aptly named. I am falling into a slump. I am falling into morning wardrobe confusion. I am falling into sleeping in longer. I notice the temperatures fall and rise in an odd pattern that confuses my wardrobe. The crepe myrtle blossoms are falling all over the porch and making a mess. The temperatures fall and rise in a crazy pattern that stumps my wardrobe. The Christmas lighting company actually sent an email about putting up Christmas lights. COME ON.

Even the light of the day is changing. I am not waking in the dark, but I realize that this experience is not far away, as the morning is dimmer than usual. The sun seems to be reluctant to show. It throws some dim light ahead of itself as if to say, “Look out, I am fading.” Each day, the light is different in some way.

The constant brightness in the sunroom is unreliable, and the plants are showing the effect. The plant lights are on more than they are off. The shades haven’t been used in weeks. Funny, I did not notice that until now. This change is creeping up on me.

My body registers these changes long before my mind catches up. I reach for the shawl on the back of the chair without thinking. I need a bit more warmth. I turn on the lights in the early morning, when just a few weeks ago the room was bright. I am checking the thermostat when last week I didn’t even know it existed.

I should have known. This happens every year. Fall arrives slowly, almost bumpily, as though it is bouncing into place. One day the temperature is high, the next chill, then high again. This season is like a yo-yo: up and down. Clearly, it has me confused as though I am a spinning top. Remember those? Like a dreidel with the pointy end so it can spin and the square sides to give it just enough heft to move around. I feel that way myself. I am spinning into this change of season.

How does one get comfortable? It is too early for the wool socks, but too late for bare feet. The porch invites, but the light fades early. The flower garden is full, but the plants are sagging. I want to venture out to the porch, but the chill is not that inviting unless I bundle up. Then the neighbor thinks I have lost my mind as he jogs by topless. Confusing?

Somewhere inside of me, I know that I love the Fall. The colors in the trees make me feel like I am living in a Van Gogh canvas. The beauty of Fall brings back comforting, joyful childhood memories. Who doesn’t like roasting marshmallows and making s’mores? The fire pit in the backyard is just waiting for the roasting sticks to appear. Who doesn’t like piling up colorful leaves and jumping in them? Even if you have to bag them later and leave them at the curb, the pile was worth it.

Who doesn’t like snuggling up and reading a great novel? Who doesn’t like cocoa! I have often said that Fall is my favorite season. Yet, the transition to get there seems daunting.

Perhaps all transitions are like this. You know the change is coming, and when you get there, you know you’ll enjoy the time. I love living in the four seasons. I could never be a Florida or California girl. I would miss the changing seasons.

But I am just not ready for the flannel pajamas. Still, we ordered firewood this week, and I do love a fire in the fireplace. I have so many cool sweaters I like wearing. And snuggling up with a loved one is so much easier in the Fall than in the Summer.

I should welcome the chilly air and embrace my favorite jacket.

I am just not ready.

Explore related reflections:

Therapeutic approaches

Learn more from trusted seasonal living resources:
National Park Service – Fall Colorsww.audubon.org” target=”_blank/a>

If you are navigating life transitions, seasonal changes, or emotional shifts, therapy can offer grounding and perspective. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, insight, and emotional well‑being.

The Modern Convenience of Appliances That We Love, Need, and Occasionally Curse

Ok. Right away, you know what this is going to be about. You have them. And if you are anything like me, you have a lot of them.

Of course, there is the refrigerator — with the freezer compartment, the exterior water dispenser, and perhaps the external ice maker as well. How many extras can they add to this monstrosity? Oh yes, they added a TV‑like screen. Or maybe it is a real TV. Just what everyone needs: another screen, and in the kitchen too.

Then there is the wine fridge, and the outdoor fridge for the barbecue area. The TV room needs a mini‑fridge. And not too long ago, I learned they make a desktop fridge for every college student to tuck into a dorm room.

Ok. By now, you realize I have fridge problems. First, we have too many of them. Second, how could most of them go out at once?

Still, I come nowhere close to my aunt’s number of fridges. She had two full‑size refrigerators in the kitchen to feed the large extended family and the farmhands. She had a giant deep freezer — also in the kitchen. Trust me, she had a big kitchen. Then, in the “cold room” attached to the kitchen, she had another deep freezer and another refrigerator. And did I mention the large‑capacity refrigerator in the milk house? You get the picture. She practically had to become a refrigerator mechanic just to keep them all running.

Ok. The new wine fridge will be delivered today. Shopping for that thing was a nightmare. Do you have any idea how many brands of wine fridges there are? There must be a hundred of them, each with different configurations: wire shelves, wooden shelves, combinations of both, flat shelves, curved shelves — the options go on and on.

I just want a small appliance to slide under the counter. It does not need to store 150 bottles of wine. It does, however, need to fit into a tiny space. Apparently, when the kitchen was designed, the wine‑fridge opening was created without regard to actual wine‑fridge dimensions, and our space is unusually small. Once again, a specialty appliance — which means an expensive option — is necessary.

Actually, I am supposed to stop drinking wine. Apparently, it is rotting my brain, and I should switch to a non‑alcoholic brand. Of course, that will still need a fridge.

Ok. Enough of my ranting. The deed is done. The fridge is on its way. The bill has been paid, including the installation fee. The extended warranty is in place for as long as they allow, because this one is bound to break down eventually.

The wine will be chilled by the end of the day, just in time for a relaxing evening. And did I mention that the small under‑counter refrigerator in the basement also stopped working? That’s a story for another day.

Ok?

For more reflections on daily life, memory, and the psychology of home and habit, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating stress, decision fatigue, or the emotional weight of home‑life demands, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support resilience, balance, and emotional steadiness.

Voice, Vulnerability, and the Power to Connect

Speaking is more than words, it’s courage, connection, and cultural ritual. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the emotional complexity of public speaking, from childhood performances to courtroom breakdowns, and why our voices matter.

People have shared many stories with me about their experiences with speaking. What is it about being in front of a group that causes such a wide range of emotions?

I remember the birthday party for our 3-year-old and the one little guest who kept interrupting the magician to share her ideas on what would come next. She was mostly right, and stifling a laugh was a real challenge.

I remember the client telling me about freezing in front of the class in elementary school and forgetting everything that he had memorized. I recall the lawyer doubling over in pain in the middle of the courtroom, panicking when he realized his case was lost. That one led to a full Rescue Squad call and a trip to the Emergency Room.

I used to love watching Jay Leno interview people on the street. The ordinary person’s lack of knowledge about basic things was shocking. People generally loved talking into the microphone, but invariably did not know the basics about our country. Most of them would have been better off keeping on walking, but how can you bypass Jay Leno?

I enjoy TV bloopers, especially those featuring news personalities. They have to be so perfect every night that when they miss reading the teleprompter correctly, you cannot help but laugh. You can find loads of these bloopers on YouTube.

Yet speaking is something that we truly value. Please consider how every parent is eager to hear their child’s first word. And the pride of the parents of the first grader who has the lead in the Holiday Play is truly precious. You can see them in the audience, cameras ready, even though the principal has announced that cameras are to be stowed and that the school is recording the play for all to view later. Still, those parents cannot resist.

And how about the traditional wedding message, asking if there are any objections to this couple being bound in holy matrimony: “Speak now or forever hold your peace”? That one is a classic, and so far, I have never been to a wedding where anyone objected. However, there have been a few where I wished someone would.

The art of speaking is a marvel. Speakers can spellbind us. We can be motivated to act, march, and protest. We can remember specific phrases that get passed down from one generation to the next. What child has not been required to memorize “Four score and seven years ago…”?

And how many times did you have to take your turn at the dinner table to report on your day?

Want to explore how speaking varies across cultures and emotional contexts? Visit Icebreaker Speech’s guide to cultural differences in public speaking and Know Your Best’s breakdown of speaking styles across cultures.

If you’re reflecting on voice, vulnerability, or emotional expression, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support confidence, clarity, and connection.

Procreation, Provision, Protection, and the Emotional Disconnect

Manhood has long been defined by three cultural imperatives: procreation, provision, and protection. But what happens when these roles discourage emotional connection? For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how traditional expectations shape men’s relationships, and how we can rewrite the script.

Procreation, Provision, Protection

Welcome to manhood. These are your jobs.

I am reminded of the beginning of a mystery show: Your assignment, should you choose to accept it. This introduction is from “Mission Impossible”. It could be a good description of the role of boys and men in society.

Procreation can be done with or without an emotional connection.

Provision requires choosing to distance yourself from emotional connection.

Protection means turning away from others to confront a threat.

What have I just described? Men are assigned by the culture to move away from relationships to fulfill the expectations of the culture.

Now, doesn’t that sound bizarre? They are assigned to preserve the culture, which means family, relationships, and institutions that support people. Everything they are expected to protect requires dynamic interaction with others. However, the skill set that we expect them to master requires denying their need for interaction with others.

Men can make babies without an emotional connection to the female, and that does happen with regularity. Men support women and children by going out of the home to earn a living to support the home. Men leave home to join other groups in learning how to protect the community and the country.

Then we wonder why they can’t be more emotionally available, emotionally understanding, or emotionally caring. Give me a break!
If we want our men to be fully functional emotionally, we have to change our expectations and our connections to our men.

I often work with couples who desire to change their connection and have emotional conversations that support and validate each other. They want to have sexual relationships that are fun and deeply meaningful. After all, sex is the way adults play! It should be fun and meaningful. They want to problem-solve together and be equally aware of the issues facing their partner.

Does any of this sound like the 3 P’s? No.

If we want our futures to be healthier and happier, we have to learn how to connect and not just protect.

Want to explore how cultural expectations shape masculinity? Visit The Art of Manliness’ review of the 3 P’s of manhood, Abundance No Limits’ breakdown of provision, protection, and preparation, and Halos Counseling’s take on the 3 P’s of healthy relationships.

If you’re reflecting on emotional connection, gender roles, or relationship growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, empathy, and relational clarity.

The Hidden Emotional Cost of Growing Up Alone in a Digital World

I write this for the numerous 20‑somethings who consistently tell me they spent their childhoods playing video games alone in their rooms.

The imagery is heartbreaking, but the social and emotional consequences are life altering.

They come into therapy because they cannot find their way in this world. Yes, they went to college. And they probably played more video games there. But they cannot find their way after college. Yes, they picked a major and completed it, but they find it has little real‑world application. No one is asking them to analyze poetry, throw clay pots, or take a deep dive into political science.

What has happened?

Video games are fascinating and addictive. You must work to compete and reach the next level. You must be quick at making choices, and your reflexes are all important. Your focus is sharpened as you play, and your visual processing improves with each game. You will find yourself multitasking quickly. Because the stimuli are coming at you quickly, your brain produces more dopamine. You might want to slow down, but the dopamine hit can become addictive.

What happens when dopamine is overused?

Like any resource, it can be depleted. You will not ever really run out of the stuff because your body produces it, but intense stimulation causes dopamine to spike, leading to a type of “crash” or brain fog as your body resupplies itself. These dopamine surges are stressful on your brain and body. They can also become addictive. As your dopamine spikes and the feeling of excitement or euphoria peaks, you feel empowered, and you want to have that feeling again. The fact that the high is followed by a low is tolerated in order to experience the high again.

The other thing that gets lost in the fray is impulse control. Suddenly, you are ready to take other kinds of risks as well. Feeling high can have a downside.

You will experience a period of dopamine depletion as your body makes more of the chemical. That “down” can be tricky to manage and will leave you vulnerable to poor decision‑making and impaired impulse control. While the game may be exciting, the aftermath can be debilitating and risky. You do not have to be a video game player to experience this effect. Scrolling through social media can have the same effect.

Extreme fatigue and brain fog can set in while your dopamine stores are replenished.

Explore related reflections:
dopamine and behavior
digital overstimulation
young adult emotional health

If you are navigating overwhelm, emotional disconnection, or the long‑term effects of digital isolation, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

EXERCISE

Body Movement, Mental Clarity, and the Case for Making Time

Exercise isn’t just physical—it’s mental, emotional, and creative. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how movement supports not only health but insight, problem-solving, and emotional resilience.

Have you had your annual physical? Do you get a yearly physical? An annual check-up is an excellent idea, and as you age, you will discover that the questions tend to repeat. What are you doing for exercise? How often are you doing it?

OK! I know exercise is good for me and that my body will be grateful for the attention. But do you realize how difficult this really is? My day is already busy, and I can only imagine what the day of a younger person is like.

How does one fit exercise into the herding of children getting off to school while you are getting dressed for a Board meeting? Or the planning of lunches and meals while answering calls from the principal, not to mention the ritual call to mom and dad? Then you have to transport each child to after-school activities and attend the practice so you can talk about it on the way home. You have business calls to return in the evening, plans to develop for the next day, or an entire proposal to complete, ensuring the next contract is secure.

I mean, really. Who has time to exercise? Plus, don’t you get enough exercise chasing your kids around or traveling from office to office during the day? OK, I hear you.

Yet you are missing the point. Exercise is not just for your body. Sure, your muscles will benefit, and you will get stronger and have more energy. Your muscle mass will increase, and your physician will stop nagging you. So those benefits alone should make it worth it.

The other benefit is that your brain will have time to roam around.

This form of roaming is actually healthy. When you are exercising, your brain is free to wander as long as you watch out for cars if you are walking, uneven sidewalks if you are running, and random flying weights if you are in the gym.

Our brains need time to wander and reflect. They reorganize things and come up with new ideas for solving problems. They fondly recall fun times with the family during vacations, such as when a windstorm ripped their tent apart in the rain. They solve problems that you have been puzzling over for days or weeks. They find things that you have been hunting for, like, where did I leave that extra key for the front door? Suddenly, they make the next step obvious. They generate plans and invent things that could make you famous.

Your brain is fascinating. This organ works in the background all the time, recording things you notice but may ignore. Then, just at the right moment, your brain presents an idea or a solution that you have been hunting for over several days.

Given all of this, isn’t exercise worth the time?

Want to explore how movement supports mental clarity and emotional health? Visit Harvard Health’s guide to exercise and mood and Psychology Today’s article on how exercise boosts cognition.

If you’re navigating stress, burnout, or emotional overwhelm, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, energy, and emotional resilience.

Featured Interview with Stacey Chillemi

Hello,

I wanted to share a recent interview I participated in with Stacey Chillemi titled The Real Reason You Snap at the People You Love.

One of the central themes of this conversation is that many of our strongest reactions are not solely about what is happening in the present moment. Often, today’s disappointments, conflicts, and misunderstandings activate emotional experiences that were formed much earlier in life.

Throughout nearly five decades of clinical work, I have observed that people frequently believe they have moved beyond their childhood experiences, only to discover that old patterns continue to influence their relationships, self‑perception, and responses to stress.

In this interview, we explore:

• Why reactions sometimes feel bigger than the situation itself
• How early experiences become emotional templates that continue into adulthood
• Why a difficult day at work can unexpectedly become conflict at home
• The difference between asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and “What happened to me?”
• How curiosity opens the door to understanding and growth
• Why memories are often stored in images, sensations, and actions rather than words alone
• Gentle ways to begin exploring old experiences without becoming overwhelmed
• How healing old patterns creates healthier relationships for ourselves and future generations

One of the most important messages from this conversation is that understanding our history gives us choices. When we can identify the experiences that shaped us, we gain greater freedom in how we respond to the present.

You can read the full interview here:
The Real Reason You Snap at the People You Love

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and healing early patterns, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating old emotional patterns, relationship challenges, or the impact of early wounds, therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.