How Our Bodies and Minds Signal the Need for Connection through Emotional Pain
Pain is not just discomfort, it is survival. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how physical and emotional pain serve as alarms, guiding us toward healing and connection.
Pain is a natural feeling. It lets us know when to pay attention. Our bodies are programmed to help us stay safe. If we stress a muscle, it will ache and catch our attention. If we cut ourselves while chopping vegetables, the pain signals the brain, alerting us to attend to the wound. Our bodies possess a natural alarm system that protects us from harm.
This alarm system is designed to detect two types of pain: physical and emotional. Pain signals us to pay attention. We are all very good at attending to physical pain. It often comes with bodily injury: blood, scrapes, and breaks. Emotional pain is more difficult to discern. It is not really visible, and it does not come with any oozing bodily fluids. Emotional pain is internal and accumulates over time. When our complaints are ignored and we feel hurt, that pain is stored in a mental repository in our brains.
We hold emotional pain over time. Unlike physical pain, which can be attended to and healed, emotional pain can often go unattended. It can fester, and it can hide for long periods. Emotional pain can be a silent stressor.
Let’s look at one example to help us understand. Consider an infant who is rejected at birth and adopted into a new family. Many people think that this process occurs without recognition or pain for the infant. However, that would completely deny the experience of being housed in another human for nine months. We know for sure that the fetus exhibits social and emotional awareness in the last trimester of pregnancy. They hear the voices and noises in the mother’s environment. Attachment begins at this time. The “baby inside” responds to auditory stimuli. Music is a favorite and can elicit motion, as though the fetus were keeping time with it. At birth, this person already knows the mother through sound and, probably, the father or other family members who have been talking to them for months. These memories stay with the person. In large part, they account for the adoptee seeking out the birth mother later in life and learning about their biological family. Once this connection is made, a change comes over the person. The reconnection appears to provide them with a sense of belonging.
Once the adoptee connects with the birth mother, a sense of self deepens. I have often heard an adoptee tell the story of connecting with the birth mother. They are profoundly changed. Their sense of belonging, even within their adopted family, deepens. They recognize aspects of themselves in this biological family, and suddenly that habit makes sense and can be embraced more fully.
We are born connected to another human. We spend our lives seeking connection with others. The adoptee seeks out the birth mother to complete the connection.
Want to explore more about pain, survival, and emotional connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on understanding emotional pain and Greater Good’s guide to how connection heals emotional pain.
If you’re reflecting on emotional pain, survival, or healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
