Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

DO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO BELONG?

Why Connection Matters, and How We Find It

Belonging is more than a feeling, it’s a fundamental human need. For individuals in Maryland and DC, finding a place to belong can offer emotional grounding, purpose, and resilience. This post reflects on the power of connection, the longing for community, and the ways we discover where we truly fit.

I got a Newsletter in the mail today from a women’s club where I belong. As I was reading about the upcoming year for this group and looking at the pictures of the resolute women who run this group, I was struck by this feeling of “belonging”. I belong here; they expect me; they benefit from my help. What a satisfying feeling it is to have a place where you “belong”.

We are born into a relationship… physically connected to another human being. Our families welcome us with joy and excitement. They may even throw a party, get excited, and jump up and down. Now, I know that for a subset of people, this may not be the opening scene. Yet, even if it is not, we tend to spend our lives looking for that place to belong. We want to be connected to others, and we are not so good at going it alone. Some adventurers out there do daredevil things “alone”: crossing a high wire strung between two skyscrapers; trudging to the north pole; sailing the oceans around the world. Yet, even when we look at these daring feats, we will find a collection of people supporting the preparation, planning, and execution of these feats. Rarely do we truly function alone.

We want to be a part of something. We turn out in droves for all kinds of sports: football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and yes, even cricket! We gather for concerts and raves. We have family reunions, and even if we cannot remember everyone’s name and must ask Uncle Johnnie to give us the history of that tall one over there under the oak tree, we still want to know the connection between us.

Connection is powerful. Just the thought of it can sustain us. Think of the P.O.W.’s in the infamous Hanoi Hilton who sustained each other, even in isolation by a system of taps that let them experience connection. The power of knowing that someone else is there and cares about us can support us through the very worst of experiences.

I am grateful for that simple Newsletter that reminded me that I have a place where I belong. I am expected. Do you have a place where you belong?

If you’re seeking connection or exploring where you truly fit, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support belonging and emotional well-being. For deeper insight, see How to Find Where You Truly Belong from TED Ideas.

SEX DIFFERENCES

Exploring Emotional Developmental and Expression Patterns Across Genders

Why do men and women express emotions so differently? For families and individuals in Maryland and DC, understanding the roots of emotional development can help us challenge stereotypes and foster healthier relationships. This post explores early behavioral differences, cultural influences, and the enduring nature-versus-nurture debate.

Why is there such a difference in men’s and women’s emotional expression? One would think that their humanness would account for more similarities than differences. Also, if you disregard the genitalia, they come into the world looking remarkably similar. How many dozens of times have you cooed or remarked about a baby in a public place and then asked, “Is it a boy or a girl?” The difference is not obvious. So, when do these differences lead to drastically different emotional expressions from each sex?

The infant tradition used to be to dress them in pink or blue. Pink was for girls; blue was for boys. Now, however, Moms seem to have abandoned that tradition, and you find infants in a myriad of colors and patterns, so we can no longer depend on infant clothing for the clue. And no one is going to shout, “Show me your genitals”. Still, the research tells us that behavioral differences are evident by 3 months of age.

Yes, I said 3 months of age! One must wonder if this is a genetic program that at three months, the brain is required to make a momentous change so that children are forever sent on different paths depending on their sex. We know that the three-month mark is a biological milestone called “mini-puberty”. Around this time, the brain goes into hyperdrive in the production of testosterone, and this is associated with a growth spurt in brain development for both sexes. The testosterone serves as a magic boost for brain growth. We also know that at this same 3-month marker, mothers are observed paying more emotional attention to their girls than their boys. The puzzle at this developmental time is the report that emotional expressiveness in boys’ changes at the same time. Are we looking at a natural division or a nurturing difference? The same old question keeps popping up: Nature or Nurture?

Well, I do not think we have to answer that question, per se. However, knowing these facts can help us to accept a broader range of emotional expressions from infant boys. I wonder what would happen if we accepted that boys feel the same emotions as girls? Could we provide equal doses of comfort regardless of their sex?

If you’re exploring emotional development or gender dynamics in your family, therapy can offer insight and support. Learn more about therapy for adults and families in DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional expression across all identities. For further reading, see Gender Differences in Emotional Expression.

If I Need Help…

Why Connection Matters More Than Ever, Especially for Men’s Mental Health

“If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout.” This viral quote may have started as a joke, but it carries a powerful truth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post explores how cultural norms around masculinity and emotional suppression contribute to mental health struggles—and how connection, awareness, and support can change the story.

I recently saw a post on a social media platform that made me laugh so hard that it brought up tears. Unfortunately, I do not recall what venue it came through, so I can not give this guy credit, but I loved his post: He stands against a large brick wall that you can imagine is the outside of a big box store. He holds a large cardboard sign over his head that reads: “If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout”.

Oh, that we all understood the essence of that message. None of us are self-checkout! We come into this world connected to another human, and we need that connection over and over and over again. Too often, we are told to go on our own, especially when it comes to our mental health needs. This is particularly true of boys and men. Because men buy this message of “go it alone”, “don’t show your feelings”, “big boys don’t cry” and many others. Men commit suicide in far greater numbers than women. Males die by suicide three to four times more often than females.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report in 2020, suicide ranks 12th in the leading causes of death in the United States. TWELFTH! Middle age white men have the highest rate of all classes of people. According to the CDC, we are looking at 130 suicides per day, and men are about four times more likely to be the victims than women.

Now, I am not laughing at all. Our men have been trained to deny their emotions and to be “self-checkout”, literally. The new hotline for mental health crises (988) may help in the long run. A cultural shift is the only thing that will make a real difference.

How we raise our boys must change. They come into this world with a full range of emotional capability, and before they can walk or talk, the culture has communicated that their feelings don’t matter and should be kept to themselves. Observational research shows that mothers encourage emotional expression in girls and discourage it in boys. I do not think for a minute that this is intentional. I think it is cultural, and we continue the pattern because we are not aware that we are doing it.

“If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout”.

Thank you, sir, whoever you are.

If you or someone you love is struggling, help is available. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional expression and healing. For additional guidance, see My Mental Health: Do I Need Help? from the National Institute of Mental Health.

BACK TO SCHOOL

Traditions, Safety, and the Changing Landscape of Education

Back-to-school season brings a mix of nostalgia and concern. For families in Maryland and DC, the return to classrooms invites reflection on how traditions have shifted, and how safety and values continue to evolve. This post explores personal memories, cultural changes, and the challenges facing today’s students and parents.

I know that many schools have started classes in late August; however, others are beginning at the traditional time in September. When I was a girl, school always started the day after Labor Day. Mother made new dresses for each of us, and a picture was always in order. I imagine you may have a collection of those first day of school pics.

Today, unless you are in a system that uses uniforms, anything seems to go. The jeans with rips and tears in them are extremely popular. Those would have gone in the rag bag, and parts of them would have been used to wash the car. Oh yes, we washed the car each week. I guess people do not do that anymore either. The local carwash is grateful that the suds bucket and old scraps of jeans have gone by the wayside.

What else has gone by the wayside? Grammar? Manners? Safety?

I often wonder where the use of “like” started. Teens and young adults seem to punctuate every 3 or 4 words with this dreaded syllable. What does it mean? “I am going to like make plans with like my friends for like Saturday, Mom, if that is like ok with you, like”

It does not even make sense as punctuation. Please, I am serious. If you have the history of the insertion of this dreaded word, please “like” drop me a line.

Do you remember “Miss Manners”? This was an entertaining and enlightening newspaper column written by Judith Martin for the Washington Post. You could send her any type of question or situation. She would publish your story and then give you clear, concise and sage advice on how to proceed. The stories were often funny, and the advice was truly ingenious. Who provides that older, wiser advice for you now? To whom do you go when you need guidance on the next best thing to do?

As our children and grandchildren head back to school this fall, I imagine that many of us are wondering if they will be safe. Violence inside the school has become common place. Parents worry if their child’s school will be the next news flash where a person with an assault rifle sprays bullets all over the classroom. How can we feel safe when we protect the right of people to bear assault rifles?

Some part of me wants to go back to the time that children had their picture taken on the first day of school and looked forward to getting back into the routine of learning and having recess on the playground.

If you’re navigating back-to-school transitions or concerned about safety and emotional well-being, therapy can help. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support families through change. For practical safety tips, visit the National Safety Council’s Back to School Safety Checklist.

TRANSITIONS

How Life Changes Shape Our Stories and Strengthen Our Resilience

Transitions are inevitable, and often transformative. For individuals in Maryland and DC, navigating change with reflection and support can turn disruption into growth. This post explores personal stories of transition, from moving homes to discovering hidden truths, and invites you to consider how change is shaping your own life.

Three of my friends are amid major transitions. For varied reasons, they are picking up stakes and moving. One couple has decided that with their only son going off to college they want a fresh start and are selling their home and renting for a year to have time to figure out where they want to land. Yikes! I cannot imagine what I would do with all my junk and stuff for a temporary move. Another single friend is packing up decades of memories and moving into a retirement community. Her biggest change is sending numerous items of clothing to a consignment shop. Lucky girl has worn the same size for decades but will no longer have the need for the fancy ball gowns or smart suits.

Each of us has experienced multiple transitions in our lives, no matter how old we are. Remember your first day of school. For one guy I know that was a real shocker. The neighborhood school was walkable from his house. So, his mother walked him to school for the first day. When the teacher asked her what her son’s name was, she gave a name he had never heard! For his whole life leading up to that first-grade experience, he had gone by a family nickname and had no idea of his given name. Can you imagine that shock? Not only is mother taking me to this strange building, but she is also leaving me with a completely “false name”.

What is your “shocker” transition? There is a drama series on Peacock called “Yellowstone” about a ranching family trying to survive in the modern world. One of their strategies is to send a son into politics so that they can control decisions about the land. To run for office, he must present his birth certificate. As he waits in the records office for what seems like an exceptionally long time, the clerk finally produces his details with the shocker that he has been adopted. Imagine being a grown man and your parents never telling you that you were adopted, then finding that out from a total stranger.

Change is happening around us all the time. In fact, change within our own bodies is quite remarkable. The cells in our bodies are being replaced constantly and at a rapid speed. According to Scientific American: “About 330 billion cells are replaced daily, equivalent to about 1 percent of all our cells. In 80 to 100 days, thirty trillion will have replenished—the equivalent of a new you”.

Change is more common than we realize. Knowing that change is the norm could help all of us have a different approach. Or do we want stability because change is so common?

What is your current challenge?

If you’re navigating a transition—big or small—therapy can help you process, adapt, and grow. Explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support resilience through change. For practical strategies, see 8 Ways to Cope with Life Transitions.

IMAGINE!

How Vintage Ads and Family Memories Stitch Together a Story of Resilience and Resourcefulness

Imagination has always played a role in how we market, remember, and make sense of our lives. For families in Maryland and DC, this reflection on sewing, resourcefulness, and vintage advertising invites us to consider how creativity and practicality have long gone hand in hand. Therapy can help us explore these stories and the values they carry forward.

My friend Edda posted this on Facebook and it gave me a chuckle. In 1949, my mother had 4 children and sewed all of our clothes as store-bought things were too expensive. Quite often the sewing was adjusting the things my sister had grown out of so they would fit me. Those, of course, bypassed my brother but his suits were made from worn-out suits that grandpa could no longer wear or fit into, more likely. She also sewed dresses, skirts, and blouses for herself. We have some great pictures of Easter outfits that match. She also worked full-time. I seriously doubt if she put on make-up and a fancy dress to do her stitching! But you have to give Singer credit for imagination!

If you’re reflecting on family stories or exploring how past roles shape your present, therapy can offer insight and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that help you stitch together meaning from memory.

Balance

Spinning Plates and Staying Grounded in Uncertain Times

Balance isn’t always about stillness, it’s often about motion. For individuals in Maryland and DC, the metaphor of spinning plates reminds us that life requires constant adjustment, resilience, and reflection. This post explores how we respond to crisis, what keeps us going, and how we find meaning in the chaos.

Do you remember seeing this act at the circus or on television where this guy has these tall sticks, and he puts a plate on the top of the stick and starts it spinning and then moves to the next stick and does the same thing. As a kid, I thought that was really wild and wanted to magically do the same thing. Of course, there is a YouTube clip of a guy on the Ed Sullivan show in 1958 doing just that. Eric Brenn got a minute and a half of national fame spinning plates on a stick. As a preteen watching that, I thought it was marvelous. My mother thought that her dishes would soon be at risk.

What has you spinning?

Some of us are spinning because of COVID. This disease seems to have taken up permanent residence. When we think we have one variant under control another one pops up to menace us again. Friends have lost their parents or children way before their time. School children have gotten sick and brought the classroom to a halt. Teens have been isolated and are shutting down emotionally as they have had no access to peers. Their ability to do the normal experimenting with various parts of their personality has been lobbed off by this disease as though a vital part of themselves is missing. As a result, we have a mental health crisis on our hands that will not be easily resolved.

While we are reacting to this, let us remember that this type of trauma is not unique or new. This country has been through emotional crises like this from its inception. This country was birthed in a Revolution and the Ken Burns’s recent special on Benjamin Franklin shows how difficult that birth was. We have suffered famine during the Dust Bowl and Great Depression. We have endured internal war as the North and South sought to destroy each other. We have been wrenched apart in hundreds of unusual ways. This is not the first and this will not be the last.

What keeps you going?

We are still here plugging away, holding our own, building new things, and looking to the future. Humans are resilient. We regroup, refocus, reorganize, and recover. We find our own reasons for moving forward and trying again. June is named for the Roman goddess, Juno, a symbol of youth and protection. We are halfway through the year. You are halfway. Where are you going? What are your goals? How will you honor the thrill of spinning plates on a stick?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or seeking clarity, therapy can help you find your center. Explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support resilience and balance.

How a Tart Plant, and a Tender Metaphor about Emotional Growth, Can Teach Us About Connection

Rhubarb may be a childhood memory, a seasonal treat, or a metaphor for emotional growth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection invites us to consider how we present ourselves, how we respond to others, and how we transform sourness into sweetness. Therapy can help us explore these layers with care and intention.

How many of you like rhubarb? How many of you know what rhubarb is? Ahhh, exactly what I thought. For me, rhubarb is a throwback to childhood. My daughter recently took me there by asking for a rhubarb pie for her birthday. Totally out of season! But being resourceful, I found a bakery online that not only made rhubarb pie but would ship it all over the country. What a world we live in! I can get rhubarb pie from miles away and out of season.

My mother would flip! Her rhubarb plant was in the corner of the backyard in a shady spot where the big broad leaves could spread out and show their pink stalks in the breeze. Racing across the lawn to pick these fat stalks was always fun. There is a special technique for picking rhubarb, and one must be careful not to eat the leaves as they have a reputation for being poisonous. Of course, they are not exactly poisonous, but they will give you a belly ache or diarrhea, so they might as well be poisonous.

Only the stalks are edible, providing you cook them with a lot of sugar, as these guys are really sour. And when you go to pick them, leave your garden shears behind. These guys are persnickety. They need to be twisted off at the base of the stalk. If they are twisted, they will grow a new stalk. If they are cut, they will not!

Perhaps rhubarb is a metaphor for life. We can all be toxic depending on how we are approached and how much work we have done to understand ourselves. When was the last time that you hurt someone? We all have preferences about how we like to be treated and none of us really prefer to be cut down. Who have you insulted recently? Often, our “broadleaf” presentation may be protecting more tender parts that need to be approached with care and respect. When have you been afraid to be yourself? In addition, you can take us and make something great to be shared with others. We can even be shipped across the country to delight others. Who has been thrilled to see you lately?

We can all take our sour parts and stir in some sweetness to cut the sour and make our approaches to others more engaging, respectful, and more likely to meet our needs.

If you’re ready to explore the metaphors and memories that shape your relationships, consider individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and growth. For a deeper look at rhubarb’s symbolism, visit Symbolism and Benefits of the Rhubarb.

Challenging Childhood Beliefs and Finding Meaning in Everyday Habits

We’ve all heard the phrase “April showers bring May flowers,” but have you ever stopped to ask where it came from—or what it really means? For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post invites reflection on the origins of familiar sayings and the unconscious routines we carry from childhood into adulthood. Through humor and insight, it explores how therapy can help us examine inherited beliefs and choose what still fits.

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS!

Do you remember hearing this when you were a kid?

But do you have any idea of its origin? A bit of Googling will soon uncover the variety of sources that rival the flora themselves. One origin comes from 1157 as a short “poem” by Thomas Tusser reading: “Sweet April Showers Do Spring May Flowers”. A rival notion is that at the end of the fourteenth century the poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned a version that translates as: “When in April the sweet showers fall, that pierce March’s drought to the root and all, and bathed every vein in liquor that has power to generate therein and sire the flower”.

Things that we hear as children really need to be challenged. In therapy, I like to use the example of the young woman preparing to bake a ham. She cuts the ends off the ham before putting it in the oven and her friends ask why she does that. She replies that her mother always did it that way. They go ask the mother who replies that her mother did it that way. Off they go to ask grandmother who replies: “I only had one pan and the ham would not fit unless I cut off the ends”.

How are you cutting off the ends of your ham? We all do some things as we were taught to do them, acting without reflection. Take a moment to find your “ham” stories. One of mine caused tension in the initial stages of my marriage. We ate dinner together and as soon as he swallowed the last bite, I cleared the table to start washing the dishes. My husband complained that he wanted to sit and talk. I replied that we could talk after I finished washing the dishes. Where did this come from?

My mother was whisking plates off the table as you finished your last bite and sometimes even before. I am sure she had her reasons buried in the need to complete a farm chore before dark. But I did not live on a farm. However, the angst of letting those dishes sit was painful. My husband had to make the point by letting them sit overnight! In the end, the lesson was worth the pain. Prioritizing the relationship over the dishes was the right thing to do.

What are your “ham” stories? How have they gotten in the way with your friends and family? If you are struggling to find your stories, ask your family. They know them. Take time to examine your “ham” stories. These routines provide a form of comfort and stability. No matter how whacky they are, our parents and other adults imbed them in us at early ages. Prior to adolescence we think concretely and see the world in those dichotomies of right and wrong, good and bad, etc. While that may be a helpful structure for us at incredibly young ages, the world is more complex. Adjusting our belief systems to the more complex and complicated adult world is a challenge. The only path for meeting that challenge is to confront the source. How did you learn this? From whom did you learn it? Does it really fit the time?

We are all reluctant to challenge these beliefs and systems from our formative years. But wouldn’t you really like to have the whole ham?

Enjoy my blog each month. Go to www.drvanderhorst.com and sign up at the bottom of page 1.

ARE YOU A FEMINIST?

Reflecting on Identity, Purpose, and the Power of Women’s Voices

Feminism means different things to different people, but at its core, it’s about equality, dignity, and purpose. For individuals in Maryland and DC, exploring what feminism means personally and historically can be a powerful step toward self-awareness and social connection. This post reflects on one woman’s journey from confusion to clarity, and the enduring impact of feminist voices like Robin Morgan.

When I was a little girl, my sister remarked that I was going to grow up to be a feminist. At the time, I had no idea what that word meant. I felt like the little girl coming back into the second-grade class after being out for weeks with appendicitis and surgery to find this new word on the blackboard: EUROPE. My second-grade brain immediately decide that it was pronounced: EEEE U ROPE. As I proceeded to show off my expertise, the class bubbled with laughter. My sister’s prediction about feminism was equally foreign to me.

My formative years covered the Vietnam Era when flags were burning, and bras were burning in the same flames. In 1968, the year I started my Ph.D. work, the Miss America pageant was disrupted by a group of feminists protesting the sexualization of women. Led by Robin Morgan, these women came together to protest the sexist programming that had influenced them growing up. The pageant symbolized sexism and racism as there had never been a Black contestant and women were chosen for their looks and hourglass shape, ignoring their intellect and emotional strength.

Robin Morgan has been active in the Women’s Movement ever since that Miss America protest and is a published author, still working and advocating for women’s issues. She is a FEMINIST! You might want to check out her podcast: Women’s Media Center Live with Robin Morgan.

How many of us have had a passion like Robin? How often do we find someone who has pursued that passion for decades from protest, to publishing to presenting? We all need a purpose. We all need that thing that brings us to alert in the morning, sometimes keeps us up late into the night, and gives our lives meaning. This does not have to be a national movement. It can be as simple as caring for those around us or being enthusiastic about our garden. It can be as complex as wrestling with the meaning of feminism and how to relate to that. The need is there in all of us. What is yours?

I hope you will share this post with friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors to invite them to sign up for their own copy at www.drvanderhorst.com.

If you’re exploring your identity, values, or purpose, therapy can offer a space for reflection and growth. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support self-discovery and empowerment.