Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

WHY ARE BOYS MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN GIRLS?

Emotion, Expression, and the Social Sculpting of Gender

It’s not just biology—it’s expectation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how boys’ emotional potential is shaped by caregiving norms, and how aggression may be a symptom of emotional suppression rather than innate difference.

We all know that boys seem to be more rough and tumble than girls and that girls are more verbal and playfully expressive. Boys like to use their bodies while girls like to use their words. This has characterized the difference between girls and boys since the beginning of time. But why? Is the difference in one single gene, or is the difference in the social-emotional expectations that we have of these different sexes?

The research on infant characteristics will tell us that boys come into the world with a broader range of emotional expression than girls. Let me say that a different way: boys have more access to feelings than girls do. Again, boys have a bigger vocabulary for emotions than girls do. Boys have a broader range of feeling experiences than girls. Let me say this again: BOYS FEEL!

Whoa! Hold the horses. Boys are born with broader access to feeling experiences than girls! Boys have more access to feeling states than girls do! After you get up off the floor, stay with me. This is especially important. Why would there be a difference in the first place? People are people. Why don’t boys and girls come into the world with the same access to and understanding of human emotions? Actually, I do not know. However, I do know that the research studying emotional abilities in infants confirms this over and over. Boys come into the world with a wider range of emotional expressions than girls. In another essay, we could speculate on why this is the case.

Ok. Now that you have fainted and gotten up from the floor, let’s look at the process that happens after birth. Childcare is, by and large, done by women. Consequently, girl infants get more attention and more congruent attention than boys. What do I mean by this? Caretakers spend more time with girls than boys. That’s a fact. Congruent attention means that caretakers are more likely to identify with same-sex children and have a better understanding of their communication and needs because they can project from their own experiences.

Now, if we ran an experiment where caretakers were mainly men for boy infants and mainly women for girl infants, we might have a great experiment on our hands. We might be able to maintain the boys’ access to feelings and change the emotional trajectory of the entire population. I wonder if the boys would retain their access to a broader range of feeling states. The current reality is that women provide the lion’s share of childcare. Consequently, boys do not get the attention that encourages them to continue to use their emotional strengths. Their emotional skills drop away. The research shows that female caregivers discourage the emotional expression of boys. They spend less time with boys and discourage emotional expression in them.

YIKES! STAY TUNED FOR MORE.

Want to explore how gender norms shape aggression and emotional expression? Visit Open Text BC’s overview of personal and cultural influences on aggression, APA PsycNet’s summary of gender differences in aggression, and Psychology Today’s article on anger expression across genders.

If you’re reflecting on gendered expectations or emotional development, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational growth.