Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Reflection, Ritual, and the Journey to Self-Awareness

Mirrors don’t just reflect faces—they reveal stories. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how daily self-awareness practices can deepen emotional insight, foster resilience, and improve overall well-being.

The mirror can be traced back to at least 6000 BCE, when a polished rock, obsidian, served to present a reflection. This particular rock could be polished to create a surface like glass. Obsidian is a black rock capable of showing a reflection when polished and protecting the owner from negative energy. Of course, seeing your reflection in a pond dates much earlier than the stone.

We are all drawn to looking at ourselves. Walk down a street full of shop windows and you will see people looking at the merchandise and themselves. Children are fascinated with their reflections as well. Each of us is truly curious about who we are. What makes us tick? What pleases or scares you? What motivates or discourages? From day one, we have wanted to know ourselves.

Unfortunately, life keeps us busy, and we rarely take the time to look and reflect. Some of you may be the exception and have set aside regular time for reflection. Bravo! I honor you. Most of us are busy moving to the next responsibility and rarely slow down or pause to review who we are, what we have done, and what we want to be. Setting aside a time of reflection will improve your health!

Reflection can become a powerful ritual. Get up 15 minutes early or stay up 15 minutes later and sit quietly with your thoughts. Give yourself time to breathe deeply and let your muscles relax. They do not have to work at this time. Let your mind be free to explore. Have paper and pen readily available to capture what your mind chooses to present. Think of this time as a private showing. You do not have to work at this. Your mind has been waiting for this attention and freedom, and it will give you valuable insights and reflections.

This mirror on your day and your life may surprise you. Every day has something to show us about ourselves. Yet, we rarely take the time to receive these insights and lessons. We are busy ‘doing’ and must take time for ‘being.’ The benefit is knowing yourself better and choosing a path forward rather than just being drawn along. The quality of your life will improve. Aristotle once said: “Quality is not an act, it is a habit.”

Start your habit of reflection today.

Want to explore how mirror work and self-reflection support emotional growth? Visit Peaceful Soul Quest’s guide to mirror technique and self-awareness, Psychology Today’s reflections on mirror work and emotional insight, and WellWisp’s breakdown of mirror reflection and personal growth.

If you’re reflecting on identity, emotional clarity, or personal transformation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and self-discovery.

CALM AND VULNERABLE

History, Resilience, and the Emotional Landscape of a Nation

Calm and vulnerable—two words that rarely sit together, yet perfectly describe the emotional pulse of a country in flux. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how historical struggle, national identity, and emotional resilience shape our collective future.

This title is in quotes because it appeared in Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper. She is referring to the mood in the country. Maria lives in Los Angeles, so the swirl of complex and contradictory feelings makes sense. She also lives in a changing America where the future seems uncertain and rapidly unfolding.

In truth, this describes the history of this country from the beginning. When the Europeans crossed the water to establish a foothold here, native peoples already occupied the country, and perhaps when they arrived, they also misplaced others. Our country has been flooded with people who have changed the landscape, yet the country remains.

Patrick Henry, in a speech at the Virginia Convention in March of 1775, put it this way:
“I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know no way of judging the future but by the past.”

Looking at the past, we see a variety of struggles: settlers with Indians, immigrants with residents, slaves with landowners, north with south, Republicans with Democrats.

Many view the present and predict doom. On one level, that makes perfect sense. I am sure that doom-sayers have been present since the Pilgrims’ landing. After all, half of them did not survive the winter! The doom-sayers have been partially correct. Our people have paid very, very high prices for preserving this land and this government.

The Civil War should have broken us. The loss of young, brilliant, vibrant life should have broken our backs. More men died in the Civil War than in World War I and World War II combined. We had to get far into the Vietnam War before the numbers matched.

If we judge the future by the past, we will remain. We have certain qualities and assets that are unlike other countries. We have numerous natural resources. We have a vast area of fertile ground that will continue to feed us. We are geographically positioned to provide natural barriers of protection. Looking at those facts, we are situated in an ideal place. The only variable that can truly defeat us is ourselves: the people.

Want to explore how emotional resilience and civic engagement shape national identity? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to national resilience, Brookings’ breakdown of civic health and renewal, and Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper for weekly reflections on hope and meaning.

If you’re reflecting on emotional resilience, historical identity, or civic purpose, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and purpose-driven living.

My First Television Interview about Healing, Fatherhood, and the Power of Reflection

Healing begins with honesty. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation on The Health Revolution explores how decades of psychological work, personal growth, and compassionate insight can shape families and futures.

Good to see you,

I recorded my very first television interview for The Health Revolution with Adriana Morrison.

It was an exciting and meaningful experience to discuss the work that has shaped my life. We explored how my path led me to psychology, what decades of helping people heal have taught me, and why reflection and compassion are essential for emotional growth. I also shared insights from my new book, How Not to F$%! Up Being a Father, which helps fathers raise sons who are emotionally aware, confident, and connected.

This conversation reminded me how powerful it is to speak honestly about healing, relationships, and the ways we learn and grow. I am deeply grateful to everyone who has encouraged and supported me along the way.

📺 The episode will air on e360tv on December 1 at 1 PM EST.

Thank you for celebrating this first with me. Your support means more than words can say.

Rooting for your growth,

Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

Want to explore how emotional growth and fatherhood shape family connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on raising emotionally aware sons and Greater Good’s guide to how fathers shape emotional intelligence.

If you’re navigating parenting, emotional healing, or relational growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, connection, and emotional depth.

Butterfingers, Curfews, and the Drama of the Trade

Halloween isn’t just costumes and candy, it’s memory, mischief, and the thrill of the swap. For individuals in Chevy Chase, Bethesda and beyond, this reflection captures the sweet nostalgia of childhood trick-or-treating and the enduring love of a favorite candy bar.

As Halloween approaches, most of us are stocking up on different types of candy. What are you buying? When you were a kid, what were you hoping to get?

When I was a kid, I was a fan of candy bars, such as Snickers, Milky Way, and my favorite, Butterfinger. If you gave out Mounds with the coconut inside, I would avoid your house or trade them with other kids on the street.

Our neighborhood was really safe, and we could run from house to house for blocks with our plastic pumpkin containers flopping at our sides. Sometimes we would pause on the corners to compare goods and trade if necessary. Mounds were not very popular with anyone, so trading those out was occasionally tricky. But you could take advantage of the younger ones in the group because the bar was pretty big. Sometimes you could get double for one.

One of the most exciting parts of Halloween was the trading. My sister, for instance, was a fan of hard candies, so I always had the opportunity to swap out my Lifesavers or Pez for something better. The trades were high drama, but also a lot of fun, as we hurried to hit more houses before curfew.

Do you remember curfew? I’m not sure that it still exists, but it was clearly a thing growing up. The time and conditions changed as you aged. The younger ones had to be home before dinner and could not go out again unless they stayed in the yard. As a teen, you could roam the entire neighborhood and really didn’t have to be home for dinner. You could eat at a friend’s house, or if you had the cash, you could buy something at the corner market and hang out with your friends on the corner until sunset. Everyone had to be home by sunset. I don’t think we would turn into pumpkins, but the rules were quite clear.

Going through your stash after trick-or-treating was great fun. Some of the goodies came with stories about the houses or the people who tried to scare you or trick you. Remember the name of this activity was “Trick or Treat.” Some of our neighbors took this seriously. We would then get individual bags with our names on them, and for the next several nights, this ritual would repeat. You would know that one of your siblings would try to cheat and shift things out of your bag into theirs, but Mom and Dad were pretty good about remembering who had what.

My candy choices have changed somewhat over the years, but when it comes to Halloween, I am still looking for the Butterfinger.

Want to explore how nostalgia and sensory memory shape emotional well-being? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the power of nostalgia and NPR’s feature on Halloween candy and memory.

If you’re reflecting on childhood, family rituals, or emotional connection, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, joy, and emotional clarity.

MORE ABOUT BOYS

Emotional Access, Cultural Shifts, and the Case for Change

Boys aren’t born stoic—they’re shaped that way. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional suppression in boys begins early, why it persists, and how cultural shifts are finally opening space for vulnerability and connection.

Now that we know our boys start with a broader emotional range and that childcare discourages this expression, what comes next? Let’s do some observation. Find a bench in the Mall. Bring a drink, as you may be here for a while. Eventually, you will see a parent with a toddler in distress. If the toddler is female, she will be picked up as she is being asked what is wrong. If the toddler is male, he will be asked what is wrong, and if he gives a good enough answer, he will be picked up and comforted. If his answer is not good enough, he will be told to “keep going” in one form or another. Now, what constitutes a “good enough” answer for a boy? This is a bit of a mystery. Emotional injury generally is not good enough. Complaining that someone took something from you and hurt your feelings, generally is not good enough for a boy. Reporting a physical injury can lead to comfort if you can demonstrate blood, collapse on the spot, or show a broken bone. Yes, I am exaggerating, but not by much.

What is it about boys that triggers us to become tougher? We have been doing it for centuries, so it must be adaptive. We must look at the troglodyte to understand how adaptive this was. The female must stay in the cave to nurse and care for the baby, and the male must exit the cave to hunt for food for the family to survive. That makes sense. Perhaps the mother has an instinct to “toughen” up the boy so that he can take on that hunting responsibility. That makes sense.

What does not make sense is continuing this approach for centuries. We no longer hunt and gather for survival. Men and Women can enter the workforce as equals and complete tasks without limits. Yet, we have maintained this dichotomy in how we relate to male and female infants. Is there an adaptive function here? Should we keep this difference in place? Do men need to be less emotional for our society to survive or thrive? Sorry, but I can’t see it.

In talking with Social Scientists, I know that cultural shifts are occurring and that the teen boy of today has more access to feeling states than the teen boy of my father’s generation. We are opening up access to feelings and accepting that boys can express the full range of emotions. We are pretty slow at doing this, but we are making progress.

So, what is the payoff? Why would we value our males being more emotionally aware and expressive? That is so easy to answer. Our Jails will no longer be overcrowded. Our court dockets will not be filled with messy divorce cases. Our streets will be safer. Think about it. If boys maintain access to the full range of emotional expression, problem-solving in interpersonal relationships becomes easier and more successful. The conflict between brothers is less physical, and the hurt is processed in real-time rather than stored for later revenge. The emotional needs of the male are exposed and legitimized, and they can be met and resolved. We are on the right path, according to some recent research. We need to keep going.

Want to explore how emotional awareness in boys supports mental health and cultural change? Visit Harvard’s EdCast on boys and the crisis of connection, JAI Institute’s compassionate parenting guide, and Parenting Teens & Tweens’ strategies for emotional growth in boys.

If you’re reflecting on emotional development, parenting, or cultural shifts, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational healing.

VULNERABILITY: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

Dependence, Connection, and the Power of Being Seen

Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the heartbeat of human connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how vulnerability affirms our interdependence, deepens relationships, and anchors us in compassion.

When I write that, I automatically think of the song “War” by Edwin Starr. Remember that punchy beginning? WAR! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Now I bet you remember it.

I admit that my brain can make funny associations, and I have learned to run with them to see where they go. Our brains are fascinating, and their storage capacity seems endless. Following a thought or a thread is always interesting. So, let’s go with this one.

Vulnerability, what is it good for? We are born as vulnerable creatures. Unlike other animals, we cannot stand or walk around right away. That might sound like a cool idea, but it’s not how humans develop. We cannot seek out food on our own. So, we are DEPENDENT on the environment around us. That is true vulnerability. So, what is it good for?

Our vulnerability stirs compassion and protectiveness in others around us. Take a baby anywhere, and the adults will be immediately aware and drawn to this dependent creature. The vulnerability of the infant stirs the adult to orient themselves, attend to, and provide for the baby. Infants are immediately the focus. The instinct to protect and engage kicks in automatically. Even the adult who wants to keep their distance still recognizes that automatic instinct to protect and provide.

So, as humans, we automatically want to protect and provide. We are connected to each other through instinct, whether we act on it or not. That means we are definitely social beings, and we thrive in that context. Vulnerability is good for affirming our social nature and guaranteeing that we continue a social order.

Our families are our first experience of social order. As our parents care for our basic physical needs, we learn that we are valuable. We are wanted, and in the connection with mother and father, we relax and learn to value being dependent. As adults, we rarely think about our dependence as valuable. Many of us are so focused on being independent that we lose track of the importance of our connections and dependence on others.

Take a moment and reflect on who you lean into. How often in the day are you dependent on someone else? When we are brutally honest, we are constantly dependent on others. A team made the computer I am using to write this. The paper I will print this on started out as a tree! Need I keep going? We are so interdependent, that it is crazy. We will never see or meet most of these people, but they serve us in thousands of ways. We are interwoven with so many others worldwide, and we rarely stop to reflect on how dependent we indeed are.

That dependence is vulnerability. If my computer goes on the fritz, I depend on Omar to schedule a time to fix it and get it running again. If my car battery dies, I rely on the tow truck sent by AAA to bring me a new battery and install it safely. You get the picture. We are all vulnerable from day one.

What is it good for? Absolutely everything.

Want to explore how vulnerability and interdependence shape emotional health and connection? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to healthy interdependence, PSYFORU’s breakdown of emotional vulnerability and relationships, and Resilience and Rigor’s insights on authentic communication.

If you’re reflecting on emotional connection, dependence, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and relational strength.

TO BE SEEN COMPLETELY

Parts, Puzzles, and the Power of Self-Awareness

We are not one thing—we are many. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how self-awareness and emotional integration allow us to be seen completely, and why understanding our inner parts is essential to personal growth.

I love talking to friends who are transparent. Now, you might think that this means being able to see through them, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about being with friends who can see themselves and share the various parts of themselves.

Sometimes, I think of one’s personality as a jigsaw puzzle, full of many parts of different sizes and shapes, colored in shades and hues that are attractive and not yet truly solid and able to fit together to form a whole person.

I like doing jigsaw puzzles. I especially like the ones you find in beach houses when you go on vacation. They tend to be complex with a thousand pieces. I suppose they chose those because if you spend a week or two at the beach, you need a distraction sometimes and the jigsaw puzzle is the perfect fit. You can leave it on the coffee table for long periods. You can still put drinks and bowls of chips on it. You can come and go at all times of the day, and it will be there waiting for you. You can work on it alone or with a collection of others. And when it is done, you can feel a sense of pride regardless of the number of pieces you added. I know a guy who used to put a piece in his pocket so he could always put in the last piece!

A critical theory in mental health demonstrates that we are each made up of many parts. Instead of being one person, we can be viewed as many persons with specific and different personalities that have been formed over time based on our life experiences. We can have child parts that are fearful or adventurous. We can have older controlling parts that try to keep us in line or gain oversight to protect us from fears. We can have teenage parts that spur us to adventure and risk. We can have injured parts that have been abused or frightened. If you reflect on your experiences, you can recognize these parts of yourself. I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your own experiences and see if you can identify these different parts within you. It’s a journey of self-discovery that can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your actions.

My shy part developed in a large, raucous family where getting attention was difficult. Being quiet and staying in the background was a safe place to be. Pushing to gain attention or status at the dinner table was tough, so watching the show was much safer. I also have this authoritarian part. As I have studied a subject and gained mastery, I want to present that part to colleagues. I can get pretty animated and loud to give that part space.

Reflect on your various parts and how they have evolved. We all have many parts. Those voices in your head that guide you or take charge in different situations are all parts of you. Understanding their development and roles is crucial. If we are honest, there are parts we would like to change and some we would like to eliminate. But remember, the power of personal growth lies in understanding and accepting all parts of yourself. This empowerment is within your reach if you are willing to take the risk to get to know these parts and uncover their origins.

Want to explore how self-awareness and internal parts support emotional growth? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to building self-awareness, Loving Life’s examples of self-awareness for growth, and Lotus Theory’s insights on self-awareness and emotional integration.

If you’re reflecting on identity, emotional complexity, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and wholeness.