Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

EVER BEEN EMBARRASSED? How Shame, Laughter, and Grace Shape Our Humanity

Embarrassment is universal, and often unavoidable. But how we respond to it can shape our relationships, our self-worth, and our emotional resilience. For individuals and families in Maryland and DC, understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame is key to healing and connection. This post explores how laughter, grace, and vulnerability can help us grow through our most human moments.

In the last post, I was embarrassed to discover that I had typed “waist” instead of “waste”. Two very different ideas. One, of course, being around your middle and one being unwanted material. So, of course, I am embarrassed by my error but hope that you offered me grace or got a laugh. Those seem to be the major choices.

The laugh is good for us both physically and mentally. Laughter releases chemicals in the brain that bathe our cells with endorphins providing pain relief and promoting a general sense of well-being. Laughter can change our mood in an instant and relieve tension in our body. During the pandemic, I have intentionally sought out some old television programs that were designed to make us laugh. I realized that the heaviness of the day was taking a toll on my mood and my body. Laughter was the best medicine. Dig into your own memories from childhood and find those old programs that brought up belly laughs and try it out for yourself. I have been binging on “Frazier” and “Cheers”. In years past, I have used Jay Leno’s little books of Headlines which can get me rolling in the aisles.

Laughter also occurs when we are embarrassed but, in this instance, we are not laughing. When we have done something inappropriate or foolish, we can give others a good laugh. Consequently, we can feel shame. Shame is a natural reaction to doing something wrong or inappropriate. You might think of it as the boundary line that keeps us safely connected to those around us. When we cross into shame, we are disconnected from others. While feeling shame is painful, the pain is a necessary part of learning how to stay connected and in a healthy relationship with others. However, this sense can be corrupted into toxic shame. Toxic shame causes us to believe that we are worthless and do not deserve to be connected to others. This is shame gone rogue. We are meant to be connected to others. Feelings that lead us to believe that we are not valuable and do not deserve connection undermine the very essence of our humanity.

When we experience shame, we are in need of grace from those around us. Grace is the offer of repair and return to relationship. Grace embraces us and assures us that we belong and that we are valued. The offer of grace is an active event that brings us back into relationship. Sometimes this is as subtle as a touch on the shoulder or as bold as a hug. Sometimes it is the message of assurance and validation that you are wanted and belong. Grace is active, also bathing our brain in those valuable endorphins.

If you’re navigating shame or seeking to reconnect with others after emotional disconnection, therapy can help. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that support healing through grace, humor, and human connection. For additional insight, see 7 Steps to Get Over Your Embarrassment from Happier Human.

LOVE: A Radical Force for Growth How Passion, Purpose, and Connection Shape Our Work and Relationships

What if love wasn’t just a feeling, but a strategy? For individuals and professionals in Maryland and DC, love, when applied with intention, can transform how we lead, relate, and grow. This post explores the work of leadership expert Steve Farber and reflects on how love fuels resilience, connection, and purpose in therapy and life.

LOVE

Steve Farber is a motivational speaker and successful entrepreneur who speaks to big business and small about the power and importance of LOVE. That may sound strange. Does love really belong in the work force? Many recent scandals would tell you that maybe he is on the wrong track. But, he has clearly found the one element that can improve productivity, decrease waist, guarantee quality, and provide meaningful growth for any endeavor. Loving what you do and why you do it is key to success and satisfaction. Check out his daily messages here:

Extreme Leadership Underground Daily Audio Message

What would happen if you applied this principle to your life? Do you love what you do? Did you used to love what you do?

I love the work that I do! From the very beginning of my practice, I have loved working one on one with children, teens and adults. The human spirit is fascinating and the most resilient entity. We are designed to take some hard knocks and get up again. We can choose to use those sometimes-gruesome experiences for growth rather than retain them for harm. Lest you doubt this, I can assure you that even the most physically and emotionally abused can use the remnants of their experiences for growth.

We are born connected to another human being. We seek connection for the rest of our lives. As we connect with others, we tap into different parts of ourselves. This is most evident in adolescence. Teens run a variety of experiments using various parts of themselves. They “try on” different personality traits and different ways of interacting with others. This experimentation is meant to happen in the safety of relationship with their parents. Mom and Dad are to have some flexible boundaries that can tolerate experimentation and provide guidance as well. You might think of adolescence as a child moving into a Bouncy House where the walls and floors are flexible and they can perform various tricks and maneuvers without serious harm as they develop skills for balance, exploration, enthusiasm and purpose in their lives.

Loving your teen requires courage. You have to be willing to stand outside of the Bouncy House and observe carefully while not overreaching with advise and direction.

Whether you’re leading a team or raising a teen, love is a powerful force for transformation. If you’re seeking support in reconnecting with your purpose or navigating relationships with compassion, explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that help you lead with heart.

Marriage in the Age of COVID-19 How Couples in Maryland and DC Can Reconnect Under Pressure

The COVID-19 pandemic has tested marriages in ways few could have imagined. For couples in Maryland and DC, the stress of confinement, remote work, and uncertainty has created both strain and opportunity. This post explores how the chemistry of connection, memory, and physical touch can help couples rediscover intimacy, even in crisis.

The demands of COVID19 are unique and completely unheard of in our lifetime. Quarantine? Masks? 6 feet apart? Temperature taking before you can enter a school? Dining outside only? And that is just a small part of the list of life changes foisted on us by this virus. We are captives in our own homes. What does it mean to be sent home from work and placed on a screen for hours on end? How can you possibly be attracted to your spouse when they are in your face 24/7? One person said: “I had no idea that if given the opportunity, my spouse could go for days without showering! Thank you COVID19 for giving me the opportunity to study this person in depth.”

Marriages have a story and a history. My father loved telling the story of how he met my mother. His sister was in nursing school and he was a truck driver. On one occasion, when he was home and not on the road, she invited him to a party in a friend’s basement. He was hanging out with a group in the basement when his sister came down the steps with her friend, a slim brunette with a charming smile. He turned to his buddy and said, I am going to marry her. At the time she was a young nursing student just like his sister and engaged to a charming doctor on the staff of the hospital where she was training. He was not deterred by the little ring on her finger. He pursued her with gusto and won her heart.

When hard times came as they always do to relationships, he would page back to that moment in the basement and remember that he set his cap for her and won. Whatever was happening in the moment could always be managed.

Having that initial bond with your partner is a powerful resource in times of stress and struggle. Replaying that attraction brings each of you into focus as your brain is bathed in the love hormone of oxytocin. Romantic love exists across cultures and is driven by this chemical in the brain. We have gone so far as to watch these chemical reactions through fMRI studies of the brain. As we watch the chemical changes when people in love view pictures of their loved one, we see the chemical shift. The parts of the brain associated with reward and pleasure light up when viewing the one they love. Reaching to that person and touching them makes those pleasure hormones spike even more.

Our skin is the largest organ in the human body and touch can ignite those feelings of longing and attraction. This is true for the newly in love and for those who have been together for years. A light touch of the shoulder as you pass or an extended embrace when you meet will cause a chemical reaction that bathes the brain in dopamine. The brains reward system can be triggered by touch leading to more intimate connections and sexual pleasure regardless of how long you have been together.

Forced to work from home and monitoring your children’s on-line schooling while not being able to socialize with your peers is a true strain on the psyche. A pandemic is a crisis of unbelievable proportions. We have never faced anything like this. Yet, our bodies are prepared and ready to help us. We were built for this. Our brains have chemicals that are readily available to help us “feel good” despite the circumstances. Releasing these chemicals through touch, memory and story can light a passion that will sustain us through all of the stressors.

If your relationship has been strained by the pandemic, you’re not alone. Couples across Maryland and DC are navigating new emotional terrain. To reconnect, consider exploring relationship therapy or starting therapy online. You can also learn more about therapeutic approaches that support couples in rebuilding intimacy and resilience.

Co-parenting after divorce can feel like a minefield—or a second chance. For families in Maryland and DC, the difference often lies in how conflict is managed and how support is accessed. Whether you’re navigating resentment or building a new parenting rhythm, this post explores two paths: one marked by emotional damage, the other by mutual respect and healing.

The Nightmare Scenario: When Co-Parenting Becomes a Battleground

When you were married, one of you was probably more involved in parenting. Now that you’re divorced, neither of you has a backup. Even if you remarry, your new partner may not be eager to step into a parenting role. So what next?

In many cases, co-parenting begins with unresolved conflict. You and your ex may have disagreed on parenting styles during the marriage, and now those differences are amplified. Even with a shared custody schedule, managing homework, meals, and routines can feel like a logistical and emotional nightmare. Add in resentment, control, and unresolved hurt, and parenting quickly devolves into a contest—with your children caught in the middle.

Case 1: When Pain Becomes a Weapon

A and B were married for 15 years. A was the stay-at-home parent, B the income earner. After the divorce, both wanted to remain active parents. But A, feeling betrayed by B’s new relationship, began emotionally withdrawing and sharing their pain with the children. The children, in turn, distanced themselves from B to comfort A. Over time, this escalated into rejection and accusations.

Eventually, B sought therapy and chose a different path—writing unsent letters to the children, respecting their boundaries, and waiting. Years later, the oldest child reconnected with B, read the letters, and began rebuilding the relationship. Today, they work together and maintain a healthy bond with both parents.

This story illustrates how emotional pain, when left unchecked, can distort a child’s perception and damage long-term relationships. As Psychology Today notes, successful co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and a focus on the child’s well-being—not on winning.

The Opportunity Scenario: When Co-Parenting Becomes a Partnership

Some couples, even after a difficult divorce, recognize the importance of preserving their child’s relationship with both parents. They may disagree on many things, but they agree on this: their children deserve stability, love, and connection.

Case 2: Two Homes, One Shared Goal

A and B have very different lifestyles. A is a high-powered professional with an AuPair; B is a homeschooling parent who plans camping trips and shares chores with the kids. Despite their differences, the children adapt and thrive in both homes.

When challenges arise—like a child needing braces or showing signs of anxiety—they turn to their Parent Coordinator. Together, they consult their pediatrician, gather input from trusted sources, and create a stepwise plan. Neither parent is fully comfortable, but both feel heard. The result is a collaborative approach that supports their child’s emotional and physical health.

For families in Maryland and DC, co-parenting therapy and family therapy can provide the structure and support needed to move from conflict to cooperation.

Why Co-Parenting Support Matters

Co-parenting is not just a legal arrangement—it’s an emotional commitment to your child’s future. Whether you’re navigating high-conflict dynamics or building a new rhythm, support matters. Through online therapy in Maryland and DC, parents can access tools to manage conflict, improve communication, and prioritize their child’s well-being.

Co-parenting doesn’t have to be a nightmare. With the right support, it can become an opportunity for growth, healing, and deeper connection. If you’re ready to take the next step, explore starting therapy online or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that support families through transition.

Challenged to Reflect: Finding Meaning in a Time of Crisis 19 Ideas for Coping, Connecting, and Growing During a Pandemic

In times of uncertainty, we are often forced to confront parts of ourselves we’ve long ignored. The COVID-19 pandemic disrupted routines, relationships, and expectations—but it also opened space for reflection, connection, and growth. This post explores 19 ways people have responded to the emotional and practical challenges of isolation, offering insight into how we can move from surviving to thriving.

1. One of the first things I have heard from friends and relatives is that after the shock of hearing about a pandemic, they looked around their place and started to do a “clean out.” This was not the Feng Shui of TV fame. This is the family junk drawer times ten, where you have been stuffing and hoarding for decades. Now that you can’t go out of your house, let the sorting begin. The only problem is that the donation truck won’t be around for months.
2. After sorting your stuff, you begin to sort your friends. Who is calling? Who is texting? Are they still posting or tweeting? Who is really following me or caring about whether I shower? Friends are definitely being sorted.
3. Now let’s talk about sorting ourselves out. Living alone, with a collection of odd roommates, or with the family you used to like—these are hard times. Those quirks we used to escape or briefly tolerate are suddenly overwhelming. I had no idea how many times you cleared your throat in the course of the day.
4. Being alone day after day with limited places open and fewer that you really want to visit is a challenge. You have tons of time to reflect but no desire to do so. So what will fill the time? How many hours of Netflix can one really watch?
5. Is Zoom really a help? Ever think of the blue screen consequences of facing the machine 24/7? Work, happy hours, extended family check-ins, seminars, classes. My neck is going to be permanently bent in the “dashboard forward” mode.
6. Of course there are a collection of books on the shelf that I have been stockpiling with the notion that I will read them someday. Well, that day has come. I have plenty of time to drag them out and discover what I’ve been missing. The poetry, the mystery, the history, the drama—they are all waiting for me on the bedside table.
7. Now speaking of the bedside table, sleeping has not been easy for many people. Anxiety tends to wait for the prone position to begin rumbling through your head. You’re not just worried that you might get this virus—you have older parents, siblings, and friends. What would it be like to see one of them go into the hospital and never come out?
8. The anxiety is not just reserved for the night. It lurks around all day and can easily explode into irrational fears. How many frozen dinners do I really have? When the groceries are delivered, how long do they have to sit before I can put them away? Does the ice cream really have to melt in the garage?
9. You can look around and see the projects you’ve been putting off for a rainy day. Well, we’ve had our fair share of rain lately and yet the projects are still there. You could distract yourself by painting that wall or fixing that screen door. And yes, you have the tools. It’s just a matter of getting them out.
10. There has to be a way to socialize. Masks, social distance. How big is the backyard or the front porch? Or the park on the corner or the schoolyard down the block? We could take some lawn chairs and go just about anywhere. Who would come? What happens when they have to use the bathroom? Still, I am desperate for company and conversation.
11. Working from home is now the norm. We’ve been doing it for months. No more going to the break room or across the street to the coffee shop. The bedroom has become the boardroom and the assembly line.
12. What if your work can’t function over the internet? How do you assemble a car over the computer or build a Waldorf salad or serve someone a beer? Life looks pretty glum from this part of reality, and good wishes won’t pay the rent or buy food. This pandemic is a real problem.
13. And now the kids are doing school on a screen as well. First, there aren’t enough screens in the house for this to work, and the distribution of equipment from the local school is slow as molasses. Even after arrival, the devices may not work properly. How does one manage their own work and monitor schoolwork at the same time?
14. If you’re lucky, you have children with some ability to monitor themselves, but the daycare is not open, so the infant or toddler does not understand why I am home and completely unavailable. Yikes. We’ve had one or two days of this occasionally when a child is sick and can’t go to daycare, but this is months in the making and the grandmother-next-door scene does not exist. Maybe we just won’t survive.
15. Our moods are all over the place. On the one hand, we’ve had time for walks in the neighborhood and bike rides and the use of scooters or hoverboards. We are experiencing each other in ways that we did not have time for before. The dining room table has a large jigsaw puzzle on it and everyone stops as they pass to hunt for another piece. The board games have found their way out of the closet too.
16. Our tempers can be much shorter than normal and things that wouldn’t have bothered us in the past are suddenly critical. “Did you really mean to throw that bath towel on the rack without folding it?” We are surprising ourselves with the range of moods that we can experience. We are finding new parts of ourselves.
17. Some of those parts can be tender, and we discover our humanity and our needs for comfort and affection. We cannot go it alone no matter how hard we might try. We were born connected and we spend the rest of our lives searching for meaningful connection.
18. The news reports that the liquor stores are doing a bang-up business during this pandemic. We all need comfort, and sometimes the easiest place to find that is in numbing ourselves a bit with a good cocktail or a beer that we would never have tried before. We drink alone or with others, but clearly we are doing more of it than ever.
19. This pandemic will have an end. That could be a long way off though. How will we use this time? Who will we be when it is finally over? Will we grow or shrink? Will our relationships be stronger or weaker? We have a chance to accept the challenge to grow, to change, to deepen our humanity and to connect in deeper ways. Will our lives really matter?

This moment invites us to reflect not only on how we cope, but on how we evolve. If you’re seeking support in navigating this time, consider exploring therapy for adults and families in DC or learning more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC. For additional insight into emotional resilience, the American Psychological Association offers helpful resources on managing stress during COVID-19.

Autism in Girls: Why We’re Only Beginning to See the Full Picture

Understanding the Subtle Signs and Misdiagnoses That Keep Girls from Timely Diagnosis

Autism in girls has long been underrecognized, often hidden behind social mimicry, gendered expectations, and diagnostic models built around male behavior. As a psychologist offering online therapy in Maryland and DC, I’ve seen how increased time together—especially during the COVID-19 pandemic—has led many parents to ask new questions about their daughters’ development. This post explores how autism presents differently in girls, why it is often missed, and what we can do to improve early identification and support.

I have recently been working with clients who are asking questions about Autism in girls. While girls have always comprised a smaller percentage of this population than boys, I am wondering if the recent Pandemic of COVID19 is helping us to notice this process of interaction in girls. Families are spending much more time together which naturally leads to more interactions and more opportunity to observe the micro-interactions that are so important in identifying Autism in girls.

The March 1, 2016 issue of Science magazine has an excellent article on girls with autism: “Autism: It is Different in Girls” by Maia Szalavitz. She unfolds the story of a leading expert on Autism who did not recognize the signs of this disorder in his own daughter even though he had an older son already diagnosed with the disorder. Clearly the signs are different and like most other research on the human condition, the studies have been focused on males and not females. Some day our society will have to answer this question: why do we choose to study and focus on males in most all aspects of research? But that is a topic for another piece.

Girls with Autism are more likely to be diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, as they like to repeat or organize things or with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder as they seem to space out in class and social situations or with Anorexia as they may be focused on control and management of their bodies. The societal view of women may be a piece of misdiagnosis as we often think of women as controlling, ditsy or overly concerned with their looks. The presentation of Autism is different for girls and our responsibility as professionals is to know this and use that knowledge to accurately identify girls so that treatment intervention can take place early.

The differences show up clearly in brain imaging and functioning. Research into the brain mechanisms that are typical for boys shows that girls are different. These sexual differences can be seen on brain scans so that Autism becomes a more complex syndrome given that different parts of the brain are involved in behaviors given the sex of the person. For example, social cues are processed in different parts of the brain for boys and girls, yet the observable behavior may be identical.

Girls tend to be misdiagnosed because they can present behaviorally as social. They use energy to mimic the behaviors of those around them leading to more common social behaviors. However, this energy and the subsequent emotional cost of mimicking is exhausting. Girls tend to hyper-focus on copying the behaviors that they see around them in order to be accepted and to fit in. Girls are much more invested in having social lives and they work at it. Boys are less interested in the social world and as a result their awkwardness in social situations leads to an early concern and an earlier diagnosis. Girls can be “hiding” in plain sight.

Another factor is that the interests of girls are more socially aligned with their gender than the interests of boys. Boys may spend their time with video games and socialize only with an online partner to play the game. Girls are more interested in being seen as social and accepted by their peers. They have more of a group mentality and boys do not. Autistic girls tend to be more emotionally reactive making their presence in social groups problematic. Because women in general have more emotionality, the Autistic girl can go unnoticed for a significant time.

Raising awareness of this syndrome in girls is important and takes closer observation over time. Even though the COVID19 Pandemic is a tragedy, the side effects may be productive for earlier identification of Autism in girls.

Supporting Autism in Girls Through Informed Care and Observation

Recognizing autism in girls requires a shift in how we observe, interpret, and respond to behavior. If you’re a parent, educator, or clinician who suspects a girl in your life may be masking deeper struggles, it’s worth exploring further. Early support can make a meaningful difference.

To learn more about how therapy can support neurodiverse children and families, visit Therapy for Adults and Families in DC or explore Therapeutic Approaches in MD and DC. If you’re ready to begin, you can start therapy online in Maryland and DC.

For additional reading, the National Autistic Society offers a helpful overview of autism in women and girls, including signs, challenges, and support strategies.

Do Infants Understand Emotion?

How Do Infants Understand Emotion? reveals early emotional awareness and development in online therapy Maryland and DC

From birth, infants are already emotionally aware, crying to signal discomfort, tension, or danger—demonstrating early self- and environmental awareness. Studies show that by as early as six months, infants can recognize and respond to facial expressions and distress in others, indicating emerging emotion understanding and social cognition. This article highlights research on emotional memory, body-based responses, and the brain mechanisms underlying infant awareness.

From the moment of birth the infant’s brain is fully capable of processing emotion and this skill enables them to respond to all of the experiences in their environment.  Infants cry as they come into the world because they are aware of the change from the protective nest of the womb to the unfamiliar open-air vastness of the world outside of the womb.   They cry to announce that they are in danger.  They sense that their protective environment has been dramatically ripped away and they know that they need protection.  In this sense, you could also say that they are self aware as well as aware of their environment.  They are solely dependent beings and they need to draw attention to themselves for survival.  Unlike other mammals, they cannot find mother’s milk on their own or cling to their parent for attention.  Their voice is the mechanism that lets them announce their need in an effort to be protected and survive.  A well fed and clothed infant if abandoned outside of a church or police station will immediately begin to cry.  They sense that their significant other has left them and know that they must find other caretakers quickly or they will be in danger.

Most adults are unaware of the significance of this truth that infants are emotionally aware and respond to emotional tone and changes in the environment.  When Mom and Dad raise their voices, the infant starts to squirm and fuss as a signal that their protective environment is being threatened.  They also record these events and encode them in non-verbal ways.  Many parents think that an infant will have no memory of their fights or that the tension in the house will go completely unnoticed.  While the infant will have no language to describe the fight or the tension, they will none the less have a memory of the stress and they will be influenced by the tension in the house.

Often, these memories are called body memories as they are stored in terms of muscle tension, internal discomfort and visceral reactions to the emotion in the room.  When you experience parents with their infant, you have probably seen the infant’s response when tension exists between the parents.  Invariably, the infant will move and fuss and show signs of processing the tension in the environment.  They make efforts to shift the parent’s attention away from the conflict and toward the needs of the infant.  This is a valuable survival mechanism.    

Infants are emotional sponges because they are dependent on the external environment for their survival.  They need to be aware of danger or tension in the environment and to respond with discomfort in order to get their dependency needs met.  They are announcing that they need the adults in the room to be focused on them and not go out of control or to hyper-focus on themselves.  An angry adult will not be a safe caretaker and an anxious adult will likely miss important signals from the infant. 

Infants are excellent barometers of family harmony and tension.  The fussy infant is often announcing that there is something lacking in the caretaking they are experiencing.  Unfortunately, we rarely take the infant seriously.  Too often we placate the parents or normalize the fussing as just something that infants do.  If we used these signals as signs that the environment needs to change then we could focus on providing the emotional environment that will enable the infant to thrive. 

As a culture we have clearly focused on the physical nutrition necessary for a healthy baby.  Now we need to focus on the emotional environment that the infant needs to develop into an emotionally healthy child. 

When we question Do Infants Understand Emotion?, it’s clear they do, through crying, body tension, and facial cues, infants communicate emotional states and respond to environmental stressors. If you’re in Bethesda, Silver Spring, or Washington, DC, I offer online therapy in Maryland and DC to support parents in tuning into their infants’ emotional needs. For deeper context, check out insights on infant emotional recognition from the American Academy of Pediatrics and explore early emotional development through UC Merced’s research on emotion and social cognition .

How Autism and Male Sperm reveals the link between paternal age and autism risk in Maryland and DC

As a Maryland and DC online therapist, I often discuss how science shapes parenting choices. Autism and Male Sperm explores Mount Sinai’s Jeremy Silverman’s findings, more paternal age at conception, more likelihood of autism, including among daughters, based on Israeli military records. Studies show that men over 40 are roughly 5.75 times more likely to father a child with autism compared to men under 30 . Research in clinical epigenetics also identifies sperm biomarkers linked to offspring autism with about 90 percent accuracy . For a broader view of paternal age’s impact, see this summary on the paternal age effect on Wikipedia. If you’d like to learn how online therapy can support expectant parents considering genetic risks, check out online therapy in Maryland and DC.

Jeremy Silverman, M.D. interviewed on NPR re: his recent studies on AUTISM
Mt. Sinai School of Medicine:

He has been studying the effect of the age of the father at conception on the incidence of autism. He used the Israeli data base (every person in Israel has to serve in the military so the intake process makes for a huge medical and psychological data base.) and found that as the age of the father increases by 10 years the incidence of autism increases dramatically. The hypothesis is that the male sperm change in DNA structure or specific chromosome damage due to the age of the sperm is the causal factor in autism. He said that a thorough review of research on the popular notion that immunization causes autism has no supporting base to it. Sperm damage is the more likely culprit.

He also noted that autism is mainly a male disorder: 4 times as many male children as female children. However, as the father ages, the incidence of females with autism increases, again supporting some type of genetic, chromosomal damage in the sperm as the causal link.

When addressing Autism and Male Sperm, it’s crucial to recognize that paternal age and genetic mutations can increase autism risk, but it’s also possible to provide exceptional early support. If you’re in Bethesda, Silver Spring, or Washington, DC, I offer online therapy to guide expectant and new parents through understanding genetic findings, family planning, and developmental support. For more in-depth research, explore clinical epigenetics on sperm biomarkers and autism risk or learn about paternal age studies on ScienceAlert.

Divorce: Destruction versus Transformation

How Divorce: Destruction versus Transformation highlights collaborative divorce over litigation in online therapy Maryland and DC

As a Maryland and DC online therapist, I often hear clients describe their divorces as consuming and destructive, but the reality is, they can be transformed. Divorce: Destruction versus Transformation explores how a litigated divorce often behaves like a wildfire, devastating relationships, finances, and emotional well-being, while collaborative divorce offers a path toward preservation and renewal. To learn more about how the collaborative divorce process empowers families to stay respectful and private, visit the IACP’s Collaborative Divorce overview or explore details on the confidential, team-based Collaborative Practice method.

This article emphasizes transformation over triumph, steering families away from scorched-earth outcomes toward respectful co-parenting and long-term healing.

“The Ring of Fire” is one of Johnny Cash’s best known songs and while he was singing about falling in love, he could have just as easily been describing the experience of a litigated divorce. Litigation is a lethal force like a wild fire that consumes everything in its path: money, time, relationships, personality, children, friends, etc. A litigated divorce at best singes and at worst leaves nothing but scorched earth.

The legal process experienced by 50% or more of marriages in the United States is a process of destruction based in the English law system that defined women and children as chattel. Historically, the husband was the “owner” of the wife and the children thereby dictating their fate. The litigated divorce continues this practice by forcing the parties to prove that one of them is good and one is bad. When considering custody and access schedules, this mindset is particularly destructive as the parties attempt to prove that one is a bad parent and one is a good parent. The destruction that ensues leaves families with full thickness burns.

Numerous social changes have made the premise of litigation for divorce obsolete, yet we continue to use litigation as the main means of divorce. In our current society, parenting is more often a shared responsibility and roles are no longer gender specific. Women have developed their abilities and function in the work world as financial equals. Society no longer accepts male dominance as the norm.
In truth, the couple system rarely dissolves completely after divorce and clearly the family in terms of parenting does not come to an end. The process of parenting becomes more complicated, requiring clear lines of communication and decision making that may not have existed in the marriage. The parents are left with the task of developing two separate but interconnected families that must travel through life together. This new system is sometimes referred to as a bi-nuclear family.

In truth, when a couple desires to part and move in different directions, the family remains in existence whether or not they have children. Integral relationships have been built with in-laws, extended relatives and friends. Restructuring these relationships should be the work of the couple and not the court system that requires relatives and friends to choose sides, testify and too often exaggerate events to give one party the advantage in a pitched battle for resources and relationships. A litigated divorce is not seeking the truth; it is seeking victory for one party over the other. A litigated divorce does not recognize the importance of continued connection following the battle.

When children are present, our obligation to improve the divorce process and help families to create a new structure that will maintain the integrity of each parent and support continuing relational growth becomes even more critical. The numerous fires that are set in the course of a litigated divorce make this nearly impossible.

Our language and our processes have to change. Families need to find ways of restructuring themselves and not destroying themselves. In the rail yard when two cars are uncoupled, they continue to retain their individual integrity even as they move in different directions. In the court system when a marriage is dissolved, individual integrity is often destroyed as well. The family’s financial resources are often drained in the service of battle.

When a couple decides to go in separate directions, they move toward creating two new families that will continue to interface for the rest of their lives. New things get created. Parents need to focus on creating a bi-nuclear family that will enable their children to benefit from past and future relationships. The nuclear family must be transformed into a more complicated system that has room for new parents, new siblings, new places and new experiences.

One approach to helping families restructure themselves and stay out of court is the collaborative divorce process. In this process, the parties are supported by a team of professionals as they work to examine all of the parts of their relationship that need to be transformed. This team consists of lawyers experienced in divorce law who advise the parties and work together to educate the parties on the law as it applies to their specific situation. The team uses a financial expert who serves as a neutral person who meets with the parties to help them disclose all of their finances to each other, understand their finances in the present and the impact of their financial needs in the future. The team may also include a child specialist who meets with the children to identify the needs of the children and the sibling system in order to give the parents clear, objective information that they can use to develop parenting plans for the future. And the team includes mental health professionals who serve to coach each party on how to process and manage their feelings as well as identify their needs and interests as they build new lives in the future. Each member of the team is bound to avoid court. Even if the collaborative process breaks down and the parties begin litigation, none of the team members may be called to testify or produce any work product related to the collaborative process.

In the collaborative process the parties are given the responsibility of working together to transform their relationship and develop competent plans for the future. Each person is treated as valuable and important and the needs of each are considered side by side as plans and solutions for the future are developed. This process acknowledges that each of them has contributed to the need to separate and divorce. No one is good while the other is bad. They are asked to draw on their best selves to generate options for meeting the needs of the future and to recognize that they will continue to interface with each other in important ways.

Through the collaborative process, the couple often experiences an opportunity to heal their wounds and establish a better understanding of each other. As they appreciate the concerns that each has for themselves and their children, they develop a dialogue that leads to creating ways to meet those needs respectively. The attack/defend mentality of litigation is replaced with the explore/comprehend thinking that leads to creative problem solving. The families emerging from the demise of the marriage have the opportunity to grow into respectful neighbors creating a sense of safety and support for the children who will continue to move back and forth. No ring of fire. More of a ring of hope.

When considering Divorce: Destruction versus Transformation, remember that divorce doesn’t have to end in devastation. Collaborative divorce, with legal, mental health, and financial professionals guiding you, helps maintain dignity, control, and connection after separation. If you’re in Silver Spring, Bethesda, or Washington, DC, I offer online therapy in Maryland and DC to support your transition. For in-depth information, check out IACP’s comparison of collaborative and litigated divorce or read a thorough breakdown of the process on Psychology Today’s guide to collaborative divorce and discover how these family-centered methods mitigate conflict.

Co-Parenting: Can It Be Done?

How Co-Parenting: Can It Be Done? promotes stability and cooperation in online therapy Maryland and DC

Co‑Parenting: Can It Be Done? explores how divorced parents can shift focus from separation to raising confident, connected children across two households. Co‑parenting avoids the confusion and conflicting agendas of separation and supports children’s emotional health. As an online therapist serving families in Maryland and DC, I guide split parents through developing a clear parenting mission, coordinated schedules, and mutual respect. Studies show that cooperative co‑parenting enhances children’s self‑esteem, academic performance, and emotional resilience (Verywell Mind on co‑parenting), while joint custody supports well‑being akin to intact families (Wikipedia on joint custody).

When Mom and Dad divorce, the children frequently lose their parents in important ways. In the course of the divorce, the parents have frequently destroyed any good will that may have existed between them and they are now faced with moving into a world complicated by two households, confusing schedules, difficult communication and varying agendas. The idea of saying “No” to the marriage and “Yes” to cooperative parenting is foreign to most people.

The focus of the divorce was to create distance from this adult that you no longer love or respect or desire. The focus of parenting is to give your children an atmosphere for developing their character and preparing for life as a connected, confident being. While divorce creates distance, parenting creates an integrated system as you engage in the business of raising children. These are wildly different tasks. The divorced couple often confuses one with the other and acts to create distance between the children and the spouse they no longer desire. As this action continues, the children are harmed by failing to develop attachment bonds to each parent and to benefit from exploring the parts of themselves that have been influenced by each parent.

Co-Parenting acknowledges that each parent is still vitally interested in the well-being of the children and that the children can benefit from continuing to develop relationship with each parent. The two contra-indications for co-parenting are active addiction and domestic violence. While mental health issues or character flaws of a parent may place some limits on their ability, the children can continue to benefit from the parts of parenting that can still be provided by this person
The key to co-parenting is to develop a plan that focuses on the present and the future with a clear sense of the needs of each child. Assessing the individual needs of each child may require some research with teachers, pediatricians, coaches, or other knowledgeable and significant people. This assessment will be repeated at various developmental stages. With this information in hand, the parents can examine ways to meet the needs of each child and they can assess their own capabilities in these areas. As in the intact family, each parent does not have to do everything.

Co-parenting may be facilitated by contracting with a Parent Coordinator who is trained in helping parents develop plans, resolve disputes and learn new parenting skills. Periodic meetings with the Parent Coordinator will help both parties to remain focused on the children and to support the value that the other parent brings to relationship with each child.

Co-parenting is often a more thoughtful process than parenting as an intact couple. One of the tasks of co-parenting is to consciously develop a mission statement for parenting. This process of careful thinking about values, interests, hopes, and wishes may be new to each parent and can facilitate a clear focus on the important task of guiding your children. A written statement of values can easily lead to self-examination as you think about what you need to do to facilitate the development of these values in your child. If you value honesty then some thoughtful examination of how this is communicated to your children is in order. Many are probably familiar with the television ad where the police officer pulls over the speeding car and asks the father in the driver’s seat if he knows how fast he was going. As the father says “well no officer, I don’t know”, the pre-teen son in the back seat leans forward with “87 Dad, you said you were going 87”.

A conjoint mission statement can hold both parents accountable to address changes that they need to make in order to provide a better model for their children.

The conscious development of a mission statement can lead each person to examine strengths in the other. All of us have certain talents of interaction and the co-parenting process requires us to make those clear to each other as we assess our strengths and weaknesses. Remember that each of your children has developed an attachment to the other parent and has acquired some of that parent’s demeanor, or way of being that they like to imitate. Working together on keeping the healthy or endearing ones and reshaping less admirable ones can be a powerful process for everyone.

The basic elements of a parenting mission statement require answers to the following questions:

1. What is the purpose of our family?
2. What are we all about in life?
3. What kind of family do we want?
4. What is our identity as a family?

Questions to ask your children are as follows:
5. What kind of home do you want to invite friends to?
6. What is embarrassing to you?
7. What makes you feel comfortable at home?
8. What makes you want to come home?
9. What qualities are important to you so you are open to our influence? How can we improve?

Questions that may be different within each family are as follows:
10. What are the things that are truly important to us as a family?
11. What are our family’s highest-priority goals?
12. What are our unique talents, gifts, and abilities?
13. What qualities do we want our family to operate on?
(trust, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, respect)
14. What are our responsibilities around caring for one another?
15. How do we want to make a difference to our community?

Imagine the benefit to your children if you were to approach parenting in this thoughtful way.
Co-parenting can be done and done well when preparing your children for the future takes precedence over distancing yourself from your past marriage partner.

Co‑Parenting: Can It Be Done? absolutely, with intentional planning, consistent communication, and child-focused mission statements. Whether you’re in Silver Spring, Bethesda, or DC, I offer online therapy in Maryland and DC to help parents navigate schedules, create shared values, and prioritize their children’s well-being. For more insight, read about cooperative co‑parenting benefits on Verywell Mind or explore how joint custody supports children’s development on Wikipedia.