Category: Blog Posts

How a Tart Plant, and a Tender Metaphor about Emotional Growth, Can Teach Us About Connection

Rhubarb may be a childhood memory, a seasonal treat, or a metaphor for emotional growth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection invites us to consider how we present ourselves, how we respond to others, and how we transform sourness into sweetness. Therapy can help us explore these layers with care and intention.

How many of you like rhubarb? How many of you know what rhubarb is? Ahhh, exactly what I thought. For me, rhubarb is a throwback to childhood. My daughter recently took me there by asking for a rhubarb pie for her birthday. Totally out of season! But being resourceful, I found a bakery online that not only made rhubarb pie but would ship it all over the country. What a world we live in! I can get rhubarb pie from miles away and out of season.

My mother would flip! Her rhubarb plant was in the corner of the backyard in a shady spot where the big broad leaves could spread out and show their pink stalks in the breeze. Racing across the lawn to pick these fat stalks was always fun. There is a special technique for picking rhubarb, and one must be careful not to eat the leaves as they have a reputation for being poisonous. Of course, they are not exactly poisonous, but they will give you a belly ache or diarrhea, so they might as well be poisonous.

Only the stalks are edible, providing you cook them with a lot of sugar, as these guys are really sour. And when you go to pick them, leave your garden shears behind. These guys are persnickety. They need to be twisted off at the base of the stalk. If they are twisted, they will grow a new stalk. If they are cut, they will not!

Perhaps rhubarb is a metaphor for life. We can all be toxic depending on how we are approached and how much work we have done to understand ourselves. When was the last time that you hurt someone? We all have preferences about how we like to be treated and none of us really prefer to be cut down. Who have you insulted recently? Often, our “broadleaf” presentation may be protecting more tender parts that need to be approached with care and respect. When have you been afraid to be yourself? In addition, you can take us and make something great to be shared with others. We can even be shipped across the country to delight others. Who has been thrilled to see you lately?

We can all take our sour parts and stir in some sweetness to cut the sour and make our approaches to others more engaging, respectful, and more likely to meet our needs.

If you’re ready to explore the metaphors and memories that shape your relationships, consider individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and growth. For a deeper look at rhubarb’s symbolism, visit Symbolism and Benefits of the Rhubarb.

Challenging Childhood Beliefs and Finding Meaning in Everyday Habits

We’ve all heard the phrase “April showers bring May flowers,” but have you ever stopped to ask where it came from—or what it really means? For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post invites reflection on the origins of familiar sayings and the unconscious routines we carry from childhood into adulthood. Through humor and insight, it explores how therapy can help us examine inherited beliefs and choose what still fits.

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS!

Do you remember hearing this when you were a kid?

But do you have any idea of its origin? A bit of Googling will soon uncover the variety of sources that rival the flora themselves. One origin comes from 1157 as a short “poem” by Thomas Tusser reading: “Sweet April Showers Do Spring May Flowers”. A rival notion is that at the end of the fourteenth century the poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned a version that translates as: “When in April the sweet showers fall, that pierce March’s drought to the root and all, and bathed every vein in liquor that has power to generate therein and sire the flower”.

Things that we hear as children really need to be challenged. In therapy, I like to use the example of the young woman preparing to bake a ham. She cuts the ends off the ham before putting it in the oven and her friends ask why she does that. She replies that her mother always did it that way. They go ask the mother who replies that her mother did it that way. Off they go to ask grandmother who replies: “I only had one pan and the ham would not fit unless I cut off the ends”.

How are you cutting off the ends of your ham? We all do some things as we were taught to do them, acting without reflection. Take a moment to find your “ham” stories. One of mine caused tension in the initial stages of my marriage. We ate dinner together and as soon as he swallowed the last bite, I cleared the table to start washing the dishes. My husband complained that he wanted to sit and talk. I replied that we could talk after I finished washing the dishes. Where did this come from?

My mother was whisking plates off the table as you finished your last bite and sometimes even before. I am sure she had her reasons buried in the need to complete a farm chore before dark. But I did not live on a farm. However, the angst of letting those dishes sit was painful. My husband had to make the point by letting them sit overnight! In the end, the lesson was worth the pain. Prioritizing the relationship over the dishes was the right thing to do.

What are your “ham” stories? How have they gotten in the way with your friends and family? If you are struggling to find your stories, ask your family. They know them. Take time to examine your “ham” stories. These routines provide a form of comfort and stability. No matter how whacky they are, our parents and other adults imbed them in us at early ages. Prior to adolescence we think concretely and see the world in those dichotomies of right and wrong, good and bad, etc. While that may be a helpful structure for us at incredibly young ages, the world is more complex. Adjusting our belief systems to the more complex and complicated adult world is a challenge. The only path for meeting that challenge is to confront the source. How did you learn this? From whom did you learn it? Does it really fit the time?

We are all reluctant to challenge these beliefs and systems from our formative years. But wouldn’t you really like to have the whole ham?

Enjoy my blog each month. Go to www.drvanderhorst.com and sign up at the bottom of page 1.

ARE YOU A FEMINIST?

Reflecting on Identity, Purpose, and the Power of Women’s Voices

Feminism means different things to different people, but at its core, it’s about equality, dignity, and purpose. For individuals in Maryland and DC, exploring what feminism means personally and historically can be a powerful step toward self-awareness and social connection. This post reflects on one woman’s journey from confusion to clarity, and the enduring impact of feminist voices like Robin Morgan.

When I was a little girl, my sister remarked that I was going to grow up to be a feminist. At the time, I had no idea what that word meant. I felt like the little girl coming back into the second-grade class after being out for weeks with appendicitis and surgery to find this new word on the blackboard: EUROPE. My second-grade brain immediately decide that it was pronounced: EEEE U ROPE. As I proceeded to show off my expertise, the class bubbled with laughter. My sister’s prediction about feminism was equally foreign to me.

My formative years covered the Vietnam Era when flags were burning, and bras were burning in the same flames. In 1968, the year I started my Ph.D. work, the Miss America pageant was disrupted by a group of feminists protesting the sexualization of women. Led by Robin Morgan, these women came together to protest the sexist programming that had influenced them growing up. The pageant symbolized sexism and racism as there had never been a Black contestant and women were chosen for their looks and hourglass shape, ignoring their intellect and emotional strength.

Robin Morgan has been active in the Women’s Movement ever since that Miss America protest and is a published author, still working and advocating for women’s issues. She is a FEMINIST! You might want to check out her podcast: Women’s Media Center Live with Robin Morgan.

How many of us have had a passion like Robin? How often do we find someone who has pursued that passion for decades from protest, to publishing to presenting? We all need a purpose. We all need that thing that brings us to alert in the morning, sometimes keeps us up late into the night, and gives our lives meaning. This does not have to be a national movement. It can be as simple as caring for those around us or being enthusiastic about our garden. It can be as complex as wrestling with the meaning of feminism and how to relate to that. The need is there in all of us. What is yours?

I hope you will share this post with friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors to invite them to sign up for their own copy at www.drvanderhorst.com.

If you’re exploring your identity, values, or purpose, therapy can offer a space for reflection and growth. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support self-discovery and empowerment.

“YOU CAN MEET SOMEONE ONLY AS DEEPLY AS THEY CAN MEET THEMSELVES.”

Exploring Self-Awareness, Connection, and Emotional Depth in Therapy

What does it mean to truly connect with someone? For individuals in Maryland and DC seeking deeper relationships, this quote, popularized by Matt Kahn and echoed in therapeutic circles, offers a powerful insight: our capacity to connect with others is limited by how well we know ourselves. This post reflects on how self-awareness, healing, and emotional integration shape our ability to love and be loved.

I love it when clients teach me new things or say something in a way that strikes me so profoundly that I want to share it. This is one of those phrases.

We are born connected to another human, and we spend our lives making connections with others. Often, we are searching for that best friend with whom we can relax and be soooo comfortable that we lose track of time and ourselves. We settle into a rhythm that may remind us of the steady heartbeat that we experienced in the womb: dependable, subtle, comfortable. We long for that space where it just feels right, and we know that we belong.

We long to know the other and to be known. Somehow it just fits to have that best friend, that one person who will be there for us no matter what. They get our jokes and laugh with us. They listen to our complaints and validate us. They hear our longings and encourage us. They know our weaknesses and keep us honest. They see us flagging and push us forward.

Meeting that friend requires meeting myself. I must look into my early experiences and see the child in me and know her history and her needs. Clearly, there are times that she rushes to the forefront and takes over in the moment because of some early experience that has injured her or frightened her. When that happens, do I recognize her, or do I let her take over? Can I meet her and understand what has sent her rushing into the present? Will I acknowledge her need or her pain? Or will I just let her take over and drag me back into childhood behaviors and feelings?

To know myself is to know all of the parts of my history and how those parts seek expression in the present. To know myself is to question and evaluate whether I need to react from that younger self. Each of us has many parts.

From time to time, one of those parts can take over the whole. I want to increase my awareness in order to meet those parts and consider what they need in the moment and how I want to relate to those earlier parts. I want to meet myself and work through those earlier dynamics. I want to keep the pieces that help me in the present and release those that cause me and others harm.

Self-awareness is the foundation of meaningful connection. If you’re ready to deepen your understanding of yourself and your relationships, explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional integration. For a deeper dive into this concept, see this reflection on self-awareness and connection.

EVER BEEN EMBARRASSED? How Shame, Laughter, and Grace Shape Our Humanity

Embarrassment is universal, and often unavoidable. But how we respond to it can shape our relationships, our self-worth, and our emotional resilience. For individuals and families in Maryland and DC, understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame is key to healing and connection. This post explores how laughter, grace, and vulnerability can help us grow through our most human moments.

In the last post, I was embarrassed to discover that I had typed “waist” instead of “waste”. Two very different ideas. One, of course, being around your middle and one being unwanted material. So, of course, I am embarrassed by my error but hope that you offered me grace or got a laugh. Those seem to be the major choices.

The laugh is good for us both physically and mentally. Laughter releases chemicals in the brain that bathe our cells with endorphins providing pain relief and promoting a general sense of well-being. Laughter can change our mood in an instant and relieve tension in our body. During the pandemic, I have intentionally sought out some old television programs that were designed to make us laugh. I realized that the heaviness of the day was taking a toll on my mood and my body. Laughter was the best medicine. Dig into your own memories from childhood and find those old programs that brought up belly laughs and try it out for yourself. I have been binging on “Frazier” and “Cheers”. In years past, I have used Jay Leno’s little books of Headlines which can get me rolling in the aisles.

Laughter also occurs when we are embarrassed but, in this instance, we are not laughing. When we have done something inappropriate or foolish, we can give others a good laugh. Consequently, we can feel shame. Shame is a natural reaction to doing something wrong or inappropriate. You might think of it as the boundary line that keeps us safely connected to those around us. When we cross into shame, we are disconnected from others. While feeling shame is painful, the pain is a necessary part of learning how to stay connected and in a healthy relationship with others. However, this sense can be corrupted into toxic shame. Toxic shame causes us to believe that we are worthless and do not deserve to be connected to others. This is shame gone rogue. We are meant to be connected to others. Feelings that lead us to believe that we are not valuable and do not deserve connection undermine the very essence of our humanity.

When we experience shame, we are in need of grace from those around us. Grace is the offer of repair and return to relationship. Grace embraces us and assures us that we belong and that we are valued. The offer of grace is an active event that brings us back into relationship. Sometimes this is as subtle as a touch on the shoulder or as bold as a hug. Sometimes it is the message of assurance and validation that you are wanted and belong. Grace is active, also bathing our brain in those valuable endorphins.

If you’re navigating shame or seeking to reconnect with others after emotional disconnection, therapy can help. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that support healing through grace, humor, and human connection. For additional insight, see 7 Steps to Get Over Your Embarrassment from Happier Human.

LOVE: A Radical Force for Growth How Passion, Purpose, and Connection Shape Our Work and Relationships

What if love wasn’t just a feeling, but a strategy? For individuals and professionals in Maryland and DC, love, when applied with intention, can transform how we lead, relate, and grow. This post explores the work of leadership expert Steve Farber and reflects on how love fuels resilience, connection, and purpose in therapy and life.

LOVE

Steve Farber is a motivational speaker and successful entrepreneur who speaks to big business and small about the power and importance of LOVE. That may sound strange. Does love really belong in the work force? Many recent scandals would tell you that maybe he is on the wrong track. But, he has clearly found the one element that can improve productivity, decrease waist, guarantee quality, and provide meaningful growth for any endeavor. Loving what you do and why you do it is key to success and satisfaction. Check out his daily messages here:

Extreme Leadership Underground Daily Audio Message

What would happen if you applied this principle to your life? Do you love what you do? Did you used to love what you do?

I love the work that I do! From the very beginning of my practice, I have loved working one on one with children, teens and adults. The human spirit is fascinating and the most resilient entity. We are designed to take some hard knocks and get up again. We can choose to use those sometimes-gruesome experiences for growth rather than retain them for harm. Lest you doubt this, I can assure you that even the most physically and emotionally abused can use the remnants of their experiences for growth.

We are born connected to another human being. We seek connection for the rest of our lives. As we connect with others, we tap into different parts of ourselves. This is most evident in adolescence. Teens run a variety of experiments using various parts of themselves. They “try on” different personality traits and different ways of interacting with others. This experimentation is meant to happen in the safety of relationship with their parents. Mom and Dad are to have some flexible boundaries that can tolerate experimentation and provide guidance as well. You might think of adolescence as a child moving into a Bouncy House where the walls and floors are flexible and they can perform various tricks and maneuvers without serious harm as they develop skills for balance, exploration, enthusiasm and purpose in their lives.

Loving your teen requires courage. You have to be willing to stand outside of the Bouncy House and observe carefully while not overreaching with advise and direction.

Whether you’re leading a team or raising a teen, love is a powerful force for transformation. If you’re seeking support in reconnecting with your purpose or navigating relationships with compassion, explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that help you lead with heart.

Marriage in the Age of COVID-19 How Couples in Maryland and DC Can Reconnect Under Pressure

The COVID-19 pandemic has tested marriages in ways few could have imagined. For couples in Maryland and DC, the stress of confinement, remote work, and uncertainty has created both strain and opportunity. This post explores how the chemistry of connection, memory, and physical touch can help couples rediscover intimacy, even in crisis.

The demands of COVID19 are unique and completely unheard of in our lifetime. Quarantine? Masks? 6 feet apart? Temperature taking before you can enter a school? Dining outside only? And that is just a small part of the list of life changes foisted on us by this virus. We are captives in our own homes. What does it mean to be sent home from work and placed on a screen for hours on end? How can you possibly be attracted to your spouse when they are in your face 24/7? One person said: “I had no idea that if given the opportunity, my spouse could go for days without showering! Thank you COVID19 for giving me the opportunity to study this person in depth.”

Marriages have a story and a history. My father loved telling the story of how he met my mother. His sister was in nursing school and he was a truck driver. On one occasion, when he was home and not on the road, she invited him to a party in a friend’s basement. He was hanging out with a group in the basement when his sister came down the steps with her friend, a slim brunette with a charming smile. He turned to his buddy and said, I am going to marry her. At the time she was a young nursing student just like his sister and engaged to a charming doctor on the staff of the hospital where she was training. He was not deterred by the little ring on her finger. He pursued her with gusto and won her heart.

When hard times came as they always do to relationships, he would page back to that moment in the basement and remember that he set his cap for her and won. Whatever was happening in the moment could always be managed.

Having that initial bond with your partner is a powerful resource in times of stress and struggle. Replaying that attraction brings each of you into focus as your brain is bathed in the love hormone of oxytocin. Romantic love exists across cultures and is driven by this chemical in the brain. We have gone so far as to watch these chemical reactions through fMRI studies of the brain. As we watch the chemical changes when people in love view pictures of their loved one, we see the chemical shift. The parts of the brain associated with reward and pleasure light up when viewing the one they love. Reaching to that person and touching them makes those pleasure hormones spike even more.

Our skin is the largest organ in the human body and touch can ignite those feelings of longing and attraction. This is true for the newly in love and for those who have been together for years. A light touch of the shoulder as you pass or an extended embrace when you meet will cause a chemical reaction that bathes the brain in dopamine. The brains reward system can be triggered by touch leading to more intimate connections and sexual pleasure regardless of how long you have been together.

Forced to work from home and monitoring your children’s on-line schooling while not being able to socialize with your peers is a true strain on the psyche. A pandemic is a crisis of unbelievable proportions. We have never faced anything like this. Yet, our bodies are prepared and ready to help us. We were built for this. Our brains have chemicals that are readily available to help us “feel good” despite the circumstances. Releasing these chemicals through touch, memory and story can light a passion that will sustain us through all of the stressors.

If your relationship has been strained by the pandemic, you’re not alone. Couples across Maryland and DC are navigating new emotional terrain. To reconnect, consider exploring relationship therapy or starting therapy online. You can also learn more about therapeutic approaches that support couples in rebuilding intimacy and resilience.

Co-Parenting: Opportunity or Nightmare Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Shared Parenting After Divorce

Co-parenting after divorce can feel like a minefield—or a second chance. For families in Maryland and DC, the difference often lies in how conflict is managed and how support is accessed. Whether you’re navigating resentment or building a new parenting rhythm, this post explores two paths: one marked by emotional damage, the other by mutual respect and healing.

The Nightmare Scenario: When Co-Parenting Becomes a Battleground

When you were married, one of you was probably more involved in parenting. Now that you’re divorced, neither of you has a backup. Even if you remarry, your new partner may not be eager to step into a parenting role. So what next?

In many cases, co-parenting begins with unresolved conflict. You and your ex may have disagreed on parenting styles during the marriage, and now those differences are amplified. Even with a shared custody schedule, managing homework, meals, and routines can feel like a logistical and emotional nightmare. Add in resentment, control, and unresolved hurt, and parenting quickly devolves into a contest—with your children caught in the middle.

Case 1: When Pain Becomes a Weapon

A and B were married for 15 years. A was the stay-at-home parent, B the income earner. After the divorce, both wanted to remain active parents. But A, feeling betrayed by B’s new relationship, began emotionally withdrawing and sharing their pain with the children. The children, in turn, distanced themselves from B to comfort A. Over time, this escalated into rejection and accusations.

Eventually, B sought therapy and chose a different path—writing unsent letters to the children, respecting their boundaries, and waiting. Years later, the oldest child reconnected with B, read the letters, and began rebuilding the relationship. Today, they work together and maintain a healthy bond with both parents.

This story illustrates how emotional pain, when left unchecked, can distort a child’s perception and damage long-term relationships. As Psychology Today notes, successful co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and a focus on the child’s well-being—not on winning.

The Opportunity Scenario: When Co-Parenting Becomes a Partnership

Some couples, even after a difficult divorce, recognize the importance of preserving their child’s relationship with both parents. They may disagree on many things, but they agree on this: their children deserve stability, love, and connection.

Case 2: Two Homes, One Shared Goal

A and B have very different lifestyles. A is a high-powered professional with an AuPair; B is a homeschooling parent who plans camping trips and shares chores with the kids. Despite their differences, the children adapt and thrive in both homes.

When challenges arise—like a child needing braces or showing signs of anxiety—they turn to their Parent Coordinator. Together, they consult their pediatrician, gather input from trusted sources, and create a stepwise plan. Neither parent is fully comfortable, but both feel heard. The result is a collaborative approach that supports their child’s emotional and physical health.

For families in Maryland and DC, co-parenting therapy and family therapy can provide the structure and support needed to move from conflict to cooperation.

Why Co-Parenting Support Matters

Co-parenting is not just a legal arrangement—it’s an emotional commitment to your child’s future. Whether you’re navigating high-conflict dynamics or building a new rhythm, support matters. Through online therapy in Maryland and DC, parents can access tools to manage conflict, improve communication, and prioritize their child’s well-being.

Co-parenting doesn’t have to be a nightmare. With the right support, it can become an opportunity for growth, healing, and deeper connection. If you’re ready to take the next step, explore starting therapy online or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that support families through transition.

Challenged to Reflect: Finding Meaning in a Time of Crisis 19 Ideas for Coping, Connecting, and Growing During a Pandemic

In times of uncertainty, we are often forced to confront parts of ourselves we’ve long ignored. The COVID-19 pandemic disrupted routines, relationships, and expectations—but it also opened space for reflection, connection, and growth. This post explores 19 ways people have responded to the emotional and practical challenges of isolation, offering insight into how we can move from surviving to thriving.

1. One of the first things I have heard from friends and relatives is that after the shock of hearing about a pandemic, they looked around their place and started to do a “clean out.” This was not the Feng Shui of TV fame. This is the family junk drawer times ten, where you have been stuffing and hoarding for decades. Now that you can’t go out of your house, let the sorting begin. The only problem is that the donation truck won’t be around for months.
2. After sorting your stuff, you begin to sort your friends. Who is calling? Who is texting? Are they still posting or tweeting? Who is really following me or caring about whether I shower? Friends are definitely being sorted.
3. Now let’s talk about sorting ourselves out. Living alone, with a collection of odd roommates, or with the family you used to like—these are hard times. Those quirks we used to escape or briefly tolerate are suddenly overwhelming. I had no idea how many times you cleared your throat in the course of the day.
4. Being alone day after day with limited places open and fewer that you really want to visit is a challenge. You have tons of time to reflect but no desire to do so. So what will fill the time? How many hours of Netflix can one really watch?
5. Is Zoom really a help? Ever think of the blue screen consequences of facing the machine 24/7? Work, happy hours, extended family check-ins, seminars, classes. My neck is going to be permanently bent in the “dashboard forward” mode.
6. Of course there are a collection of books on the shelf that I have been stockpiling with the notion that I will read them someday. Well, that day has come. I have plenty of time to drag them out and discover what I’ve been missing. The poetry, the mystery, the history, the drama—they are all waiting for me on the bedside table.
7. Now speaking of the bedside table, sleeping has not been easy for many people. Anxiety tends to wait for the prone position to begin rumbling through your head. You’re not just worried that you might get this virus—you have older parents, siblings, and friends. What would it be like to see one of them go into the hospital and never come out?
8. The anxiety is not just reserved for the night. It lurks around all day and can easily explode into irrational fears. How many frozen dinners do I really have? When the groceries are delivered, how long do they have to sit before I can put them away? Does the ice cream really have to melt in the garage?
9. You can look around and see the projects you’ve been putting off for a rainy day. Well, we’ve had our fair share of rain lately and yet the projects are still there. You could distract yourself by painting that wall or fixing that screen door. And yes, you have the tools. It’s just a matter of getting them out.
10. There has to be a way to socialize. Masks, social distance. How big is the backyard or the front porch? Or the park on the corner or the schoolyard down the block? We could take some lawn chairs and go just about anywhere. Who would come? What happens when they have to use the bathroom? Still, I am desperate for company and conversation.
11. Working from home is now the norm. We’ve been doing it for months. No more going to the break room or across the street to the coffee shop. The bedroom has become the boardroom and the assembly line.
12. What if your work can’t function over the internet? How do you assemble a car over the computer or build a Waldorf salad or serve someone a beer? Life looks pretty glum from this part of reality, and good wishes won’t pay the rent or buy food. This pandemic is a real problem.
13. And now the kids are doing school on a screen as well. First, there aren’t enough screens in the house for this to work, and the distribution of equipment from the local school is slow as molasses. Even after arrival, the devices may not work properly. How does one manage their own work and monitor schoolwork at the same time?
14. If you’re lucky, you have children with some ability to monitor themselves, but the daycare is not open, so the infant or toddler does not understand why I am home and completely unavailable. Yikes. We’ve had one or two days of this occasionally when a child is sick and can’t go to daycare, but this is months in the making and the grandmother-next-door scene does not exist. Maybe we just won’t survive.
15. Our moods are all over the place. On the one hand, we’ve had time for walks in the neighborhood and bike rides and the use of scooters or hoverboards. We are experiencing each other in ways that we did not have time for before. The dining room table has a large jigsaw puzzle on it and everyone stops as they pass to hunt for another piece. The board games have found their way out of the closet too.
16. Our tempers can be much shorter than normal and things that wouldn’t have bothered us in the past are suddenly critical. “Did you really mean to throw that bath towel on the rack without folding it?” We are surprising ourselves with the range of moods that we can experience. We are finding new parts of ourselves.
17. Some of those parts can be tender, and we discover our humanity and our needs for comfort and affection. We cannot go it alone no matter how hard we might try. We were born connected and we spend the rest of our lives searching for meaningful connection.
18. The news reports that the liquor stores are doing a bang-up business during this pandemic. We all need comfort, and sometimes the easiest place to find that is in numbing ourselves a bit with a good cocktail or a beer that we would never have tried before. We drink alone or with others, but clearly we are doing more of it than ever.
19. This pandemic will have an end. That could be a long way off though. How will we use this time? Who will we be when it is finally over? Will we grow or shrink? Will our relationships be stronger or weaker? We have a chance to accept the challenge to grow, to change, to deepen our humanity and to connect in deeper ways. Will our lives really matter?

This moment invites us to reflect not only on how we cope, but on how we evolve. If you’re seeking support in navigating this time, consider exploring therapy for adults and families in DC or learning more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC. For additional insight into emotional resilience, the American Psychological Association offers helpful resources on managing stress during COVID-19.

Autism in Girls: Why We’re Only Beginning to See the Full Picture

Understanding the Subtle Signs and Misdiagnoses That Keep Girls from Timely Diagnosis

Autism in girls has long been underrecognized, often hidden behind social mimicry, gendered expectations, and diagnostic models built around male behavior. As a psychologist offering online therapy in Maryland and DC, I’ve seen how increased time together—especially during the COVID-19 pandemic—has led many parents to ask new questions about their daughters’ development. This post explores how autism presents differently in girls, why it is often missed, and what we can do to improve early identification and support.

I have recently been working with clients who are asking questions about Autism in girls. While girls have always comprised a smaller percentage of this population than boys, I am wondering if the recent Pandemic of COVID19 is helping us to notice this process of interaction in girls. Families are spending much more time together which naturally leads to more interactions and more opportunity to observe the micro-interactions that are so important in identifying Autism in girls.

The March 1, 2016 issue of Science magazine has an excellent article on girls with autism: “Autism: It is Different in Girls” by Maia Szalavitz. She unfolds the story of a leading expert on Autism who did not recognize the signs of this disorder in his own daughter even though he had an older son already diagnosed with the disorder. Clearly the signs are different and like most other research on the human condition, the studies have been focused on males and not females. Some day our society will have to answer this question: why do we choose to study and focus on males in most all aspects of research? But that is a topic for another piece.

Girls with Autism are more likely to be diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, as they like to repeat or organize things or with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder as they seem to space out in class and social situations or with Anorexia as they may be focused on control and management of their bodies. The societal view of women may be a piece of misdiagnosis as we often think of women as controlling, ditsy or overly concerned with their looks. The presentation of Autism is different for girls and our responsibility as professionals is to know this and use that knowledge to accurately identify girls so that treatment intervention can take place early.

The differences show up clearly in brain imaging and functioning. Research into the brain mechanisms that are typical for boys shows that girls are different. These sexual differences can be seen on brain scans so that Autism becomes a more complex syndrome given that different parts of the brain are involved in behaviors given the sex of the person. For example, social cues are processed in different parts of the brain for boys and girls, yet the observable behavior may be identical.

Girls tend to be misdiagnosed because they can present behaviorally as social. They use energy to mimic the behaviors of those around them leading to more common social behaviors. However, this energy and the subsequent emotional cost of mimicking is exhausting. Girls tend to hyper-focus on copying the behaviors that they see around them in order to be accepted and to fit in. Girls are much more invested in having social lives and they work at it. Boys are less interested in the social world and as a result their awkwardness in social situations leads to an early concern and an earlier diagnosis. Girls can be “hiding” in plain sight.

Another factor is that the interests of girls are more socially aligned with their gender than the interests of boys. Boys may spend their time with video games and socialize only with an online partner to play the game. Girls are more interested in being seen as social and accepted by their peers. They have more of a group mentality and boys do not. Autistic girls tend to be more emotionally reactive making their presence in social groups problematic. Because women in general have more emotionality, the Autistic girl can go unnoticed for a significant time.

Raising awareness of this syndrome in girls is important and takes closer observation over time. Even though the COVID19 Pandemic is a tragedy, the side effects may be productive for earlier identification of Autism in girls.

Supporting Autism in Girls Through Informed Care and Observation

Recognizing autism in girls requires a shift in how we observe, interpret, and respond to behavior. If you’re a parent, educator, or clinician who suspects a girl in your life may be masking deeper struggles, it’s worth exploring further. Early support can make a meaningful difference.

To learn more about how therapy can support neurodiverse children and families, visit Therapy for Adults and Families in DC or explore Therapeutic Approaches in MD and DC. If you’re ready to begin, you can start therapy online in Maryland and DC.

For additional reading, the National Autistic Society offers a helpful overview of autism in women and girls, including signs, challenges, and support strategies.