Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

If I Need Help…

Why Connection Matters More Than Ever, Especially for Men’s Mental Health

“If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout.” This viral quote may have started as a joke, but it carries a powerful truth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post explores how cultural norms around masculinity and emotional suppression contribute to mental health struggles—and how connection, awareness, and support can change the story.

I recently saw a post on a social media platform that made me laugh so hard that it brought up tears. Unfortunately, I do not recall what venue it came through, so I can not give this guy credit, but I loved his post: He stands against a large brick wall that you can imagine is the outside of a big box store. He holds a large cardboard sign over his head that reads: “If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout”.

Oh, that we all understood the essence of that message. None of us are self-checkout! We come into this world connected to another human, and we need that connection over and over and over again. Too often, we are told to go on our own, especially when it comes to our mental health needs. This is particularly true of boys and men. Because men buy this message of “go it alone”, “don’t show your feelings”, “big boys don’t cry” and many others. Men commit suicide in far greater numbers than women. Males die by suicide three to four times more often than females.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report in 2020, suicide ranks 12th in the leading causes of death in the United States. TWELFTH! Middle age white men have the highest rate of all classes of people. According to the CDC, we are looking at 130 suicides per day, and men are about four times more likely to be the victims than women.

Now, I am not laughing at all. Our men have been trained to deny their emotions and to be “self-checkout”, literally. The new hotline for mental health crises (988) may help in the long run. A cultural shift is the only thing that will make a real difference.

How we raise our boys must change. They come into this world with a full range of emotional capability, and before they can walk or talk, the culture has communicated that their feelings don’t matter and should be kept to themselves. Observational research shows that mothers encourage emotional expression in girls and discourage it in boys. I do not think for a minute that this is intentional. I think it is cultural, and we continue the pattern because we are not aware that we are doing it.

“If I need help every time, then I am not self-checkout”.

Thank you, sir, whoever you are.

If you or someone you love is struggling, help is available. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional expression and healing. For additional guidance, see My Mental Health: Do I Need Help? from the National Institute of Mental Health.