MORE ABOUT BOYS
Emotional Access, Cultural Shifts, and the Case for Change
Boys aren’t born stoic—they’re shaped that way. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional suppression in boys begins early, why it persists, and how cultural shifts are finally opening space for vulnerability and connection.
Now that we know our boys start with a broader emotional range and that childcare discourages this expression, what comes next? Let’s do some observation. Find a bench in the Mall. Bring a drink, as you may be here for a while. Eventually, you will see a parent with a toddler in distress. If the toddler is female, she will be picked up as she is being asked what is wrong. If the toddler is male, he will be asked what is wrong, and if he gives a good enough answer, he will be picked up and comforted. If his answer is not good enough, he will be told to “keep going” in one form or another. Now, what constitutes a “good enough” answer for a boy? This is a bit of a mystery. Emotional injury generally is not good enough. Complaining that someone took something from you and hurt your feelings, generally is not good enough for a boy. Reporting a physical injury can lead to comfort if you can demonstrate blood, collapse on the spot, or show a broken bone. Yes, I am exaggerating, but not by much.
What is it about boys that triggers us to become tougher? We have been doing it for centuries, so it must be adaptive. We must look at the troglodyte to understand how adaptive this was. The female must stay in the cave to nurse and care for the baby, and the male must exit the cave to hunt for food for the family to survive. That makes sense. Perhaps the mother has an instinct to “toughen” up the boy so that he can take on that hunting responsibility. That makes sense.
What does not make sense is continuing this approach for centuries. We no longer hunt and gather for survival. Men and Women can enter the workforce as equals and complete tasks without limits. Yet, we have maintained this dichotomy in how we relate to male and female infants. Is there an adaptive function here? Should we keep this difference in place? Do men need to be less emotional for our society to survive or thrive? Sorry, but I can’t see it.
In talking with Social Scientists, I know that cultural shifts are occurring and that the teen boy of today has more access to feeling states than the teen boy of my father’s generation. We are opening up access to feelings and accepting that boys can express the full range of emotions. We are pretty slow at doing this, but we are making progress.
So, what is the payoff? Why would we value our males being more emotionally aware and expressive? That is so easy to answer. Our Jails will no longer be overcrowded. Our court dockets will not be filled with messy divorce cases. Our streets will be safer. Think about it. If boys maintain access to the full range of emotional expression, problem-solving in interpersonal relationships becomes easier and more successful. The conflict between brothers is less physical, and the hurt is processed in real-time rather than stored for later revenge. The emotional needs of the male are exposed and legitimized, and they can be met and resolved. We are on the right path, according to some recent research. We need to keep going.
Want to explore how emotional awareness in boys supports mental health and cultural change? Visit Harvard’s EdCast on boys and the crisis of connection, JAI Institute’s compassionate parenting guide, and Parenting Teens & Tweens’ strategies for emotional growth in boys.
If you’re reflecting on emotional development, parenting, or cultural shifts, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational healing.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
