MAN WEIGHT
Emotional Suppression, Socialization, and the Cost of Silence
Manhood shouldn’t mean emotional exile. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early emotional suppression in boys creates invisible burdens—and how reclaiming emotional fluency can lighten the load.
Now, you might think I am talking about the scale in your bathroom, or for those truly obsessed, the thing is usually in the kitchen. However, I am not referring to pounds. I am referring to sounds. These sounds are in your head and have been there since early childhood.
Boys come into the world with emotional intelligence that is a bit advanced compared to females. Yes, I will say it again. Boys have the edge of emotional intelligence at birth. But, no worries, we rob them of that emotional edge before they can walk. Then, we systematically train them to continue shaving off emotional states daily, year after year, as if expressing emotions was too weighty of a problem to solve. By the time they head into elementary school, they know that feelings associated with any degree of sensitivity are verboten. I genuinely like the sound of that word, as you can explode it in your mouth—Verboten: forbidden by an authority. We are the authority that carries this out.
Here are a few feelings that have been removed from the male vocabulary: abandoned, alien, down, outcast, moody, hesitant, restless, shy, nervous, overwhelmed, panicky, humiliated, anemic, broken, etc. I have a list of feelings that I give to almost everyone. The list is six pages of words with three columns on each page. Ladies and Gentlemen, we can use many feeling words to describe our current state of being. Men generally use hardly any of them.
The failure to accurately describe your feelings at any time leads to a small stone being created and swallowed. Most of the men you and I know have a belly full of stones ready to spew out at any moment. No wonder our jails are filled with men. Men make up 86% of our jail population.
Society carries this weight when we do not have to.
We also know that boys mature at a different rate than girls when looking at social and emotional development as well as physical. In general, girls reach puberty earlier than boys. With puberty comes chemical changes that impact thoughts and feelings. The brain changes in puberty. With puberty, we achieve better emotional regulation. Notice the middle school boy who jumps out from around the corner to scare the girls coming down the hall. Have you ever seen a girl do that to scare a bunch of guys? Emotional maturity. Notice the boy who whacks his friend in the head after being teased by a buddy. Nope, it’s not a common event for girls. Emotional maturity. Girls gain control of their emotions earlier than boys. Social awareness appears earlier for girls as well.
The weight of this difference is powerful. We may never change the developmental fact that girls enter puberty earlier than boys. However, we can give boys more weight in the social wrestling match. When we can socialize boys to access the full range of emotions for a human, they will have a fighting chance to move through puberty and into adulthood with emotional capacities that are entirely missing today. I want our sons to know how to be tender, how to be sad, how to be anxious, how to be lonely, how to long for more, how to be afraid. I want them to weigh in as real.
Want to explore how emotional intelligence and gender norms shape development? Visit Truity’s guide to emotional intelligence and gender, Wikipedia’s breakdown of sex differences in emotional intelligence, and ResearchGate’s study on emotional intelligence and gender differences.
If you’re reflecting on emotional development, gender identity, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst