Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

BACK POUNDING

Touch, Masculinity, and the Unspoken Rules of Connection

Sometimes a pat says more than a hug. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how male touch is shaped by social conditioning, and how back pounding reveals deeper discomfort with vulnerability and emotional intimacy.

I am not talking about backaches. I am talking about watching two men embrace and pound each other on the back as though both need to dislodge something caught in their throats. What is going on? Why this modified Heimlich maneuver as a greeting of intimacy or connection? Are they choking? Is touching another male so dangerous? What does this “habit” portend? The men pounding each other are experiencing a foreboding, a fear that this touch is in some way hazardous or lethal! How is it possible that the person you are greeting with intimacy can also bring up a sense of terror?

Are men choking? Well, we could answer this in two separate ways. No, you are not experiencing your throat close and threatening your airway. You constrict your muscles as a natural reaction to fear, and your throat may close a bit. When we embrace another person, our body reacts with changes in our gut. The impact of a warm, loving touch is designed to be positive for our body and our mood. The tactile experience of being embraced releases oxytocin, a “feel-good” hormone in the brain. A bundle of nerves called c-tactile afferents generate feelings of well-being and pleasure. At the same time, men resist the embrace and thus send counter signals to the brain that they may be in danger of being overcome and need to be cautious and self-protective.

The man’s body is denying him the chemical benefit of loving touch. Now, you may say that this makes perfect sense because men are designed to fight and protect, aren’t they? So, body contact with another male should be met with caution. Well, if you accept this explanation, then you have just made men the dumbest creatures on the planet by implying that they cannot discern positive attention from lethal attacks. So, back to the drawing board! The back pounding is not about personal protection. It is about social expectations. We train men to deny their need for touch and comfort, and we start that training in early childhood.

Go to the local playground and watch the interaction between adults and children. The little girl with tears flowing will be picked up and asked what happened. The little boy with tears flowing will be asked what happened, and if his explanation is “good enough,” he will be picked up and comforted, but most of the time, he will be sent back into the arena of play without receiving physical comfort. Every time I see this, I want to shake the adult and explain that the boy deserves comfort! He is human! Pick him up and comfort him before sending him back to play.

Want to explore how platonic touch and masculinity intersect? Visit Dr. Cuddles’ guide to platonic touch and emotional connection, Psychreg’s overview of physical touch and emotional well-being, and Talkafeels’ reflections on back-touching and vulnerability.

If you’re reflecting on emotional expression, gender norms, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and connection.