I REFUSE MYSELF
Memory, Fragmentation, and the Courage to Reclaim What’s Hidden
To refuse oneself is not rejection—it’s a call to reconciliation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early trauma, sensory memory, and emotional fragmentation shape our sense of self, and why healing begins with acceptance.
What an odd phrase. When a friend of mine stated this, I had to capture it. As I reflect on this phrase, many possibilities come to mind. I must admit that the first thing that came to mind was thinking of the words “to recuse myself.” Now, I know they are in no way related, but face it, the sound grabbed me, so my brain followed it. To recuse myself means that I have a conflict of interest and cannot participate in a legal proceeding. So, what does it mean to “refuse” me?
To “refuse” myself must mean that I am unwilling to accept myself. That separation between me and me would be painful, even if it were possible. Is it possible to refuse me? How would I do it? For what concern or reason? Have I worked with clients who have or are refusing themselves? Sadly, the answer to that is “yes.” They are not refusing all of themselves, but we spend time refusing parts of ourselves.
So, what parts of myself am I refusing? What parts of yourself are you refusing? Now that we know it is possible and we are likely to do this, let us dig deeper. To appreciate that we can refuse parts of ourselves, we must first recognize that we all have parts that remain silent or dormant. Our brain has been recording information from birth. Our brains kept a record of our experiences long before we could speak or read. Those experiences are recorded in images, sounds, sights, smells, touch, etc. Tapping into those will not be easy.
However, I suggest that each one of you has had the experience of those early memories resurrecting themselves. Often, I find that a smell will cause memories to come flooding back. The sense of smell is an essential stimulus in early childhood. Events in early childhood can easily be encoded in association with the sense of smell. The sweet smell of sugar cookies fresh from the oven. The putrid smell of manure from the milking cows in the barn. One scent can lead to an entire morning tumbling out of your brain.
Touch memories are also powerful and sometimes surprising. If we have been physically hurt or abused, we will easily flinch or withdraw when we experience a similar motion. If your father used his belt to paddle you, then your lover’s removal of his belt will probably cause you to recoil. Our brains hold onto these experiences and act like they are happening again. I know we all carry painful memories that we want to banish. However, this “refusing” of myself is not the best approach.
Early traumas stored in non-verbal ways will sneak into the present and impact our current relationships without knowing what is happening. Because of this, I want to pay attention. I want to catch the moment of shock, recoil, or sadness and understand the importance of that reaction. I have an opportunity to capture a childhood injury and repair it. I want to be grateful for that opportunity and not “refuse” myself.
Want to explore how self-forgiveness and memory integration support healing? Visit The Happiness Doctor’s reflections on self-forgiveness, Kerry McAvoy’s guide to reclaiming repressed memories, and Sacred Humans’ insights on healing repressed emotions.
If you’re reflecting on identity, trauma, or emotional integration, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and wholeness.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
