Category: Blog Posts

I REFUSE MYSELF

Memory, Fragmentation, and the Courage to Reclaim What’s Hidden

To refuse oneself is not rejection—it’s a call to reconciliation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early trauma, sensory memory, and emotional fragmentation shape our sense of self, and why healing begins with acceptance.

What an odd phrase. When a friend of mine stated this, I had to capture it. As I reflect on this phrase, many possibilities come to mind. I must admit that the first thing that came to mind was thinking of the words “to recuse myself.” Now, I know they are in no way related, but face it, the sound grabbed me, so my brain followed it. To recuse myself means that I have a conflict of interest and cannot participate in a legal proceeding. So, what does it mean to “refuse” me?

To “refuse” myself must mean that I am unwilling to accept myself. That separation between me and me would be painful, even if it were possible. Is it possible to refuse me? How would I do it? For what concern or reason? Have I worked with clients who have or are refusing themselves? Sadly, the answer to that is “yes.” They are not refusing all of themselves, but we spend time refusing parts of ourselves.

So, what parts of myself am I refusing? What parts of yourself are you refusing? Now that we know it is possible and we are likely to do this, let us dig deeper. To appreciate that we can refuse parts of ourselves, we must first recognize that we all have parts that remain silent or dormant. Our brain has been recording information from birth. Our brains kept a record of our experiences long before we could speak or read. Those experiences are recorded in images, sounds, sights, smells, touch, etc. Tapping into those will not be easy.

However, I suggest that each one of you has had the experience of those early memories resurrecting themselves. Often, I find that a smell will cause memories to come flooding back. The sense of smell is an essential stimulus in early childhood. Events in early childhood can easily be encoded in association with the sense of smell. The sweet smell of sugar cookies fresh from the oven. The putrid smell of manure from the milking cows in the barn. One scent can lead to an entire morning tumbling out of your brain.

Touch memories are also powerful and sometimes surprising. If we have been physically hurt or abused, we will easily flinch or withdraw when we experience a similar motion. If your father used his belt to paddle you, then your lover’s removal of his belt will probably cause you to recoil. Our brains hold onto these experiences and act like they are happening again. I know we all carry painful memories that we want to banish. However, this “refusing” of myself is not the best approach.

Early traumas stored in non-verbal ways will sneak into the present and impact our current relationships without knowing what is happening. Because of this, I want to pay attention. I want to catch the moment of shock, recoil, or sadness and understand the importance of that reaction. I have an opportunity to capture a childhood injury and repair it. I want to be grateful for that opportunity and not “refuse” myself.

Want to explore how self-forgiveness and memory integration support healing? Visit The Happiness Doctor’s reflections on self-forgiveness, Kerry McAvoy’s guide to reclaiming repressed memories, and Sacred Humans’ insights on healing repressed emotions.

If you’re reflecting on identity, trauma, or emotional integration, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and wholeness.

Having Patience in Winter and How Focusing Outside Yourself Helps the Season Move Along

If you are anything like me, winter has overstayed its welcome. The cold, the gray, the endless waiting for signs of life, none of it feels inspiring when you’re craving warmth and color.

If you are like me, you are sick of winter. When the sun comes out, I am crawling around the garden looking for signs of life. Come on! I am not a snow bunny. I do not ski. I put away my ice skates decades ago. Ice storms are not good for making snowballs, and I have no one to compete with in a snowball fight anyway. Come on! Where are the signs of spring that I need?

I may be having a bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder. As humans, we really do need sunlight, and our bodies and brains function better when nourished by it. That is why some people have replaced all their light bulbs with natural light bulbs. Light bulbs can mimic sunlight. They are known as full‑spectrum light bulbs and are a great solution for maintaining a healthy mood through the winter months. Go on. Change every bulb in the house.

Since you have to be inside for longer periods and you have now changed all the light bulbs, what is next? How you spend your time is critical. What do you nurture? Yep. Caring for something is actually healthy. Focusing outside of ourselves helps our brains be more creative and reduces stress. So, what are you caring about?

Me? I am caring for you! I write this blog as an act of caring.

You may be caring for a pet. Cats are self‑sustaining. Dogs need to be walked. Iguanas need places to climb. Turtles need a pond. Whatever your favorite, caring for something else is healthy for us. You might also be caring for a collection of plants. The point is to focus on something outside yourself. When you do this, you are exercising your brain.

Your brain needs exercise to stay healthy. Focusing outside yourself, setting expectations, and even taking on obligations are healthy. Perhaps you have an elderly parent you visit regularly or a collection of African violets that need attention each week. The exact object of your focus is not as important as having the focus itself.

We are born connected to another, and we spend our lives seeking connection. Being connected to caring for something or someone outside of ourselves is an important part of keeping us healthy.

The winter can go faster when you focus outside of yourself.

Want to explore more about mood, connection, and the psychology of seasonal change? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on emotional well‑being and Greater Good’s research on connection and resilience.

If winter feels heavy or isolating, therapy can help you reconnect with purpose and emotional steadiness. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding and emotional health.

MY BRAIN ON MENTAL STEROIDS

Overstimulation, Nostalgia, and the Future of Cognitive Overload

Our brains weren’t built for this pace. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how screen saturation and mental overload shape our emotional health, and why slowing down might be the most radical act of self-care.

Are you on overload? Some form of stimulation assaults your brain every minute of every day. I see people with a device in their hand “ALL THE TIME” and hear parents complain about losing their children to “screens.” This is serious.

I long for the days when screens were unavailable, or it meant piling everyone into the car on a lovely Spring evening and going to the drive-in movies. Remember the drive-in? The car would climb a little hump as you parked in a space so that your seat would be aimed precisely right to see the giant outdoor screen. Then, you would have to wrestle this metal box into the car and hang it on one of the windows so that you could hear what was going on in the movie. With all that settled, someone would be sent to the “canteen” near the front of the lot to buy popcorn and sodas. If you arrive early enough for a good spot, the kids could go to the playground, swing, and climb onto the jungle gym. As the previews started, everyone would scatter back to their cars and settle in for the big show.

I remember my favorite movies were “Ma and Pa Kettle.” Whenever one of those came out, we were guaranteed a trip to the Drive-In. The two main characters were hilarious as they tried to manage a ramshackle farm and a pack of unruly children. Such joy was felt when identifying with the children who could get away with anything. They were so rambunctious that Ma and Pa posted a sign: “Be-ware of childrun” to warn visitors to look out for sling-shot missiles and other things.

The pace in those days was much slower. Sometimes, I long for that slower pace and for the cell phone to be silent. I want to sit on the back porch in my rocking chair and talk with the person sitting next to me rather than texting them to find out what they are thinking.

Yet, I can imagine what my grandchildren will be reminiscing about. They will be longing for the cell phone days when they could carry this shiny box in their hands and choose to text a friend, listen to a song, or watch a movie on that sweet little box. Instead, they will be experiencing their children tapping the sides of their heads to turn on the implant in their brains that will give them the morning news and weather. I suppose we will always need the morning weather report. So, that will be good news for all the meteorologists out there. Your jobs are safe.

Science tells us that our brains have much more capacity than we use, so there may be room for a few different implants to have distinct functions. My great-grandchildren may be able to pull up old movies and watch them in their minds. That would be great fun. Or they could hold the details of their stock investments and have some part of their brain constantly monitoring the market to make the right move at the right time. Everyone will work from home because their brains can connect remotely.

I will stick with the rocking chair on the porch.

Want to explore how screen time and overstimulation affect mental health? Visit Stanford Lifestyle Medicine’s guide to screen time and brain health, Science of Mind’s breakdown of mental overload, and NeuroLaunch’s insights on mental stimulation and brain chemistry.

If you’re reflecting on cognitive health, emotional clarity, or digital balance, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and mental wellness.

When It’s Snowing And Invites You Back Into Childhood

Sometimes when it’s snowing, it feel harsh or hurried. But every so often, the sky gives us a gentler version, flakes that drift rather than fall, inviting us to pause, watch, and remember.

This time, you can see each separate flake. They are floating to the ground rather than falling. They are large and shapely as they land on the little table outside the sliding door. They make a pattern on the deck like balls of cotton strewn around. These are the flakes that draw you outside so you can stick your tongue out and catch one. The descent is gentle and slow, as though they are dancing toward the ground.

This is the exciting snow. You know it is going to go on for a long time. You have plenty of time to pull on your snowsuit and climb into your boots. You are excited about catching them on your tongue. As they pile up, you will make wet snowballs to fling at your sister. This is the snow where you can make snow angels.

Nowadays, you can fill spray bottles with water and food coloring, then make your own snow art. Imagine the front yard as your canvas. You could make a huge picture. You could also design a more active game by stomping out paths in the snow, then making everyone stay on the path as you play a game of tag. Laughter and capture will soon follow.

If you have some leftover bubbles from the summer, you could get them out and see if they freeze in midair. You could draw a big target in the snow and find sticks to use as darts.

If it snows all day, you should have enough to try building an igloo. That would be the ultimate fort.

Being a kid has its advantages.

If you are an adult, you could get the snow blower out of the garage and discover that the spark plug has rusted over. Remember, they told you not to leave it in there all summer. Now you have to find the wrench and the hammer. By the time you get it fixed, the snow will have melted. So give it up and make hot chocolate for the kids.

Of course, you still have to shovel the driveway now that your power tool is out of commission. The sidewalks will need it, too. And no, the kids will not be interested in helping. Perhaps some teenagers will come along with shovels. That would be the best plan of all. They get rewarded for their labor, and you can go back inside.

Being an adult has its responsibilities.

Mittens will go on the radiators or registers dotting the edges of the floor. They must be dried out fairly soon, as the snow continues to come down and the children will be ready for round two after they are fed.

Snow has a way of reminding us who we were and who we are—playful, burdened, joyful, tired, hopeful. It invites us to hold both the magic and the work of life at the same time.

For more reflections on seasons, memory, and emotional rhythms, visit Psychology Today’s essays on emotional well‑being and Greater Good’s research on joy, nostalgia, and resilience.

If winter stirs both delight and heaviness for you, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional steadiness through the seasons.

MAN WEIGHT

Emotional Suppression, Socialization, and the Cost of Silence

Manhood shouldn’t mean emotional exile. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early emotional suppression in boys creates invisible burdens—and how reclaiming emotional fluency can lighten the load.

Now, you might think I am talking about the scale in your bathroom, or for those truly obsessed, the thing is usually in the kitchen. However, I am not referring to pounds. I am referring to sounds. These sounds are in your head and have been there since early childhood.

Boys come into the world with emotional intelligence that is a bit advanced compared to females. Yes, I will say it again. Boys have the edge of emotional intelligence at birth. But, no worries, we rob them of that emotional edge before they can walk. Then, we systematically train them to continue shaving off emotional states daily, year after year, as if expressing emotions was too weighty of a problem to solve. By the time they head into elementary school, they know that feelings associated with any degree of sensitivity are verboten. I genuinely like the sound of that word, as you can explode it in your mouth—Verboten: forbidden by an authority. We are the authority that carries this out.

Here are a few feelings that have been removed from the male vocabulary: abandoned, alien, down, outcast, moody, hesitant, restless, shy, nervous, overwhelmed, panicky, humiliated, anemic, broken, etc. I have a list of feelings that I give to almost everyone. The list is six pages of words with three columns on each page. Ladies and Gentlemen, we can use many feeling words to describe our current state of being. Men generally use hardly any of them.

The failure to accurately describe your feelings at any time leads to a small stone being created and swallowed. Most of the men you and I know have a belly full of stones ready to spew out at any moment. No wonder our jails are filled with men. Men make up 86% of our jail population.

Society carries this weight when we do not have to.

We also know that boys mature at a different rate than girls when looking at social and emotional development as well as physical. In general, girls reach puberty earlier than boys. With puberty comes chemical changes that impact thoughts and feelings. The brain changes in puberty. With puberty, we achieve better emotional regulation. Notice the middle school boy who jumps out from around the corner to scare the girls coming down the hall. Have you ever seen a girl do that to scare a bunch of guys? Emotional maturity. Notice the boy who whacks his friend in the head after being teased by a buddy. Nope, it’s not a common event for girls. Emotional maturity. Girls gain control of their emotions earlier than boys. Social awareness appears earlier for girls as well.

The weight of this difference is powerful. We may never change the developmental fact that girls enter puberty earlier than boys. However, we can give boys more weight in the social wrestling match. When we can socialize boys to access the full range of emotions for a human, they will have a fighting chance to move through puberty and into adulthood with emotional capacities that are entirely missing today. I want our sons to know how to be tender, how to be sad, how to be anxious, how to be lonely, how to long for more, how to be afraid. I want them to weigh in as real.

Want to explore how emotional intelligence and gender norms shape development? Visit Truity’s guide to emotional intelligence and gender, Wikipedia’s breakdown of sex differences in emotional intelligence, and ResearchGate’s study on emotional intelligence and gender differences.

If you’re reflecting on emotional development, gender identity, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.

Why We Crave Connection

Connection is not optional, it’s part of our wiring. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation explores why we seek closeness, how relationships shape us, and why connection remains essential throughout our lives.

Hi there,

I recently joined bLU Talks to talk about something we all feel but don’t always notice: our need to connect. From the very beginning, we are wired to reach out, to share, and to belong. We explored how memories and life experiences shape the way we relate to others, how our brains influence our emotions and bodies, and how connection continues to matter throughout our lives.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why connection drives growth and change
• How we form friendships and relationships as adults
• The ways our brains and bodies respond to emotional experiences
• Simple ways to reflect, share, and foster meaningful connection

This conversation is a reminder that connection isn’t just a nice idea—it’s part of what makes life meaningful, and there’s always room to grow, heal, and reach out.

🎧 Listen to the full episode: Born Connected – bLU Talks

Want to explore more about connection and emotional well‑being? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on why humans need connection and Greater Good’s research on how connection shapes well‑being.

If this conversation sparks reflection about relationships, belonging, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and deeper connection.

What Snow, Cake, and Life All Have in Common – Layers

Some winters reveal more than weather. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how layers, of snow, of tradition, of experience—shape the landscapes around us and the lives within us.

We still have mountains of snow with no sign of thawing or melting. This is the weirdest snow I have ever seen. It acts like concrete. From my perch in the sunroom, I watch a young man cross the yard of the house on the corner across the street, and he is walking on top of the snow. If I were not seeing it with my own eyes, I would not believe it. The snow is a couple of feet deep, and he is walking on top of it. Clearly, this stuff is odd.

The top layer is about seven inches deep. Looking at the slabs that the snowplow has thrown up, the crust is quite deep, like a solid piece of concrete. One can expect this stuff to take a long time to melt. In the meantime, I hope it is fertilizing the grass underneath. I know this stuff gathers nutrients as it falls from the sky, so I hope those “guys” are doing their job on the lawn below.

Snow is not the only thing that comes in layers. Most of life comes in layers. You might think of your life as a series of layers, like a Smith Island Cake. Do you know about this cake? It is actually famous, at least around here, and I hear that they will ship it all over the country.

Smith Island is an old fishing village in the Chesapeake Bay. It is the last inhabited offshore island in the Bay and is still accessible only by boat. This little place has a deep tradition of crabbing and oystering, as the Bay has long been known for these delicious treats. The addition of a sweet treat to match the seafood is not surprising. The Smith Island Cake is Maryland’s official dessert. Does your state have an official dessert? This cake can have ten or more thin layers with yummy icing between them. When you are visiting the Eastern Shore, be sure to indulge.

The layers of your life can be yummy or crummy. Most of the time, life is a mixture of both. The layers of the Smith Island Cake are separated by icing, a gooey substance meant to cushion and stabilize the layers. Life has similar “icing,” meant to give respite, time for reflection, and recovery or reorganization, so that the next phase of life can have a completely different flavor.

Want to explore more about resilience, reflection, and the layers that shape emotional well‑being? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on personal growth and Greater Good’s research on meaning‑making and life transitions.

If this reflection inspires you to explore the layers of your own life—past, present, and emerging—therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and renewal.

SORTATION DELAY

Language, Logistics, and the Art of Adaptability

Some words arrive late—and bring insight with them. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how “sortation delay” reveals more than a shipping hiccup—it invites us to examine expectations, adaptability, and the poetry of interruption.

So here is my ignorance. I received a notice that my package had experienced a “sortation delay.” First, I do not think my package can have an experience. But, setting that aside, I admit that a sortation delay was a new one for me. Never heard of the word. So, of course, the Oxford English Dictionary is the place to go. And there it is! Sortation! This word found its way into the pages of this old tome in 1844. Where the H… have I been!

Now, of course, I must find ways to use this marvelous piece of language. What else can be a “sortation” experience? First, we must recognize that this is a noun. Do people still identify parts of speech? Do children diagram sentences anymore? I remember this task from elementary school. First, we used a ruler to draw the lines for the diagram. You made one lengthy line to begin and a series of angled lines jutting out from beneath the horizontal, followed by ever-growing branches depending on the adjectives, adverbs, and dangling participles. Remember the dangling participle? This dangling thing is out of place, like my hair in the morning when this wisp on one side seems to have a mind of its own and reaches for the ceiling or towel rack in the bathroom in the morning.

My hair has a “sortation delay” as it begins the day and seeks to find its place on my head. I should not complain. I am glad to have a head of hair, especially as I watch the men and even young men around me go bald. I remember a set of twins in my neighborhood as a child. They were teens when I was moving from elementary to middle school. And they were both going bald! That was a shocker, and the weird part was that their father had a full head of bushy hair. What weird gene traveled through their DNA to cause this result? Who knows. They were not happy about it but developed a sense of humor and became a very entertaining set of guys. I think the fact that they were twins and could go through this together made a significant difference in their reactions. Sometimes, you would find them on the school bus with funny caps or magic marker designs that might have resembled hair if you squinted. They were adaptable, and I admire them for that.

We should all strive to be adaptable as life presents surprises and curveballs.

What is your “sortation delay”? We all have expectations that get interrupted and delayed. You are expecting your spouse to notice your mood and be interested in listening. You have adult children who now live far away, and you expect them to check in more frequently. Our need for others to deliver is essential. While experiencing that “sortation delay,” you could think about the flip side. Who is waiting for you to deliver? What “sortation delays” are you giving to another?

That is a new thought. The word was certainly new to me, and I am grateful for the reflection it has generated.

Want to explore how sortation delays reflect human error and adaptability? Visit [FreightCourse’s guide to UPS sortation delays](https://www.freightcourse.com/ups-sortation-delays/), [Postage Master’s breakdown of sortation delay alerts](https://postagemaster.com/ups-sortation-delay-a-complete-guide/), and [Russell Conveyor’s survival guide to sortation delays](https://www.russellconveyor.com/delay-in-the-day-to-day-sortation-delay-survival-guide/).

If you’re reflecting on expectations, adaptability, or emotional resilience, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and relational growth.

Support, Discovery, and the Power of Emotional Contact

Protection isn’t just defense, it’s connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early relationships shape our sense of safety, and how emotional support can transform isolation into belonging.

Protection is such an interesting word. You can take it apart: Pro and Tection.

The Pro part is straightforward and reflects support. The Tection has two interesting possibilities. It could be seen as a misspelling of detection or taction. If detection is the intent, then we are focusing on finding or discovering. If taction is the intent, then we are focusing on touch or being in contact with something.

Let’s look at the options. I could be supporting someone or something with the intent of discovery. Or I could be supporting with the intent to influence or emotionally touch someone.

No matter how I experience this word, I am interacting with someone or something. The word is dynamic. Interaction forms the basis of our existence. We are born dependent on those around us. Interaction is necessary for survival. The type of interaction will shape how I move through the world and what I expect from it.

If my caregivers are kind and loving, I will expect the world to receive me and be interested in me. I will move into the world with interest and curiosity. I don’t need to be bold, just active. Action will put me in touch with various parts of my world. I will encounter people, places, and things.

If my caregivers are neglectful or aggressive, I will likely do one of two things. I will withdraw and isolate myself for protection, or I will push forward and attack others before they can attack me. Neither of these approaches is healthy.

There is a connection between how I relate to the world and my overall well-being. Both withdrawal and aggression are high-risk ways of relating to the world around me. My body and brain need connection that nurtures and supports me. Withdrawal and attack do not leave room for either need.

Children who fall into this latter category need protection and support. Sometimes that comes from a neighboring family. Many times, I have heard stories of neighbors being a “second family.” The adult sitting in my office has fond memories of that neighboring family, where they retreated for peace, support, comfort, or simply to escape.

When our own families are chaotic or dangerous, we are grateful for the neighbor or relative who sees our need and accepts our presence as if we had always belonged there.

Protection: the positive intent to find support and comfort in relationships with others.

Want to explore how early relationships shape emotional safety and resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s article on early attachment and adult relationships and Greater Good’s guide to emotional safety in relationships.

If you’re navigating emotional vulnerability, relational trauma, or the need for support, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, connection, and emotional clarity.

Why Your Earliest Experiences Still Shape You Today

Our earliest memories may be hidden from conscious awareness, but they are never lost. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how the brain stores early experiences and how those unseen layers influence emotional life in the present.

As I do therapy, I am increasingly impressed by the power of our early histories. Our brains hold on to everything we have experienced since birth. Actually, there is evidence that we also have memories from the last trimester in utero, but we are not going there for now. Let’s stick with the fact that our brains store all experiences from birth forward. That is a huge amount of data.

Think of the data centers popping up across the country that manage what I am doing now and what you will do on your cell phone in the next few minutes. Those places take up acres of territory. Now read that earlier statement again: our brains store everything from birth forward. No wonder our brains have all of these folds and crannies.

Seriously. If our brains store this history, then we should be able to retrieve it. Of course we can gain access to these stored experiences. You may experience access through dreams at night. You may experience access randomly when someone triggers a memory by sharing a story with you, or when you find yourself in a place you visited long ago. Access can also be triggered chemically, and several people are using ketamine sessions that facilitate this as well.

Your early history is generally difficult to access directly. I mean, who wants to replay a diaper change? Yet these pieces of early history influence our present, and uncovering the connection is an important part of emotional growth. For example, let’s say that your mother was an alcoholic, and when she was drunk, she flew into rages and hit you repeatedly for no apparent reason. Let’s further imagine that you were a toddler and had no conscious memory of this. Your mother got successful treatment, and the family has never mentioned this history. Yet you tend to avoid close relationships with women and cannot figure out why that avoidance is so prominent. You have no conscious memory that explains this avoidant tendency.

Your brain is doing its natural thing. Your brain is using factual history to protect you in the present. Uncovering that piece of your history can lead to understanding and to the freedom to choose whether to change it. Our brains are designed to focus on survival. They do that assignment very, very well.

Want to explore more about memory, early experiences, and emotional development? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on early memory and emotional patterns and Greater Good’s research on how early experiences shape well‑being.

If this reflection inspires you to explore your own history or understand long‑standing emotional patterns, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.