Category: Blog Posts

The Warmth, the Weirdness, and the Science Behind a Simple Hug

It’s National Hugging Day! Touch is one of the oldest forms of communication we have. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores why hugging matters, when it doesn’t, and how connection through touch supports emotional well‑being.

Apparently, we have now designated a national day for just about anything you can think of.

My media guru has informed me that January 21 has been designated as National Hugging Day.

This sounds both warm and creepy. Let’s take them one at a time.

National Hugging Day, celebrated since 1986, was started by Kevin Zaborney as a gentle reminder to be more intentional about showing care and connection to the people in our lives. It’s often marked by organized hugging events that support charitable fundraising—always with respect for personal boundaries. The psychological benefits of hugging are frequently highlighted, especially its role in improving mental health.

Hugs are intended to be gestures of warmth and comfort. Our skin is the largest organ in our body and, as such, can be critical to both our physical and mental health. Being touched tenderly and compassionately can enhance our sense of well‑being and help us heal from physical pain. Touch facilitates healing by releasing the hormone oxytocin. With this release, our nervous system calms, our mood improves, and we naturally experience a sense of well‑being. Touch is important for our health.

Think for a moment of the experience of an infant. They tend to be touched frequently. That skin stimulation bathes the brain in positive hormones, contributing to health, attention, and connection with others. On the other end of the age range, touch for the elderly is equally important. Elders who are touched tend to be healthier and to live longer. So, hugging those who are important to you is a great idea.

Hugs can also cross the line into creepy. Remember the distant uncle who would not let go? Think of the stranger you have just met, going in for a hug, and how awkward that feels. We all have these invisible boundaries. We tend to travel in our own personal space bubbles. The bubble is somewhat egg‑shaped, with a shallower back and an extended front. We can be comfortable in a crowded elevator when everyone faces forward and respects our personal space at the back. But if someone turns to face you in a crowded space, there is an immediate flinch and withdrawal.

Being hugged by a stranger is not comfortable. Babies are great at discerning the safe people in a room. If you want clarity on the relative safety of your friends and family, pass a baby around. Babies are perfect at discerning the trustworthiness of adults. They will relax in the arms of one who can be trusted, fidget with the ones who are iffy, and start crying with the ones who are not safe. They are great barometers for trustworthiness.

So, find a friend. Give them a hug!

Want to explore more about the psychology of touch and connection? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on the power of healthy touch and Greater Good’s research on how touch shapes emotional well‑being.

If this reflection sparks thoughts about connection, boundaries, or emotional well‑being, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and healthy connection.

MY “SELF”

Innate Brilliance, Emotional Strategy, and the Journey Back to Connection

Your “Self” isn’t something you earn—it’s something you remember. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how our innate brilliance becomes obscured by emotional defenses, and how reconnecting with our true self restores clarity, courage, and connection.

Ok, I get it. You are used to seeing these two words together as Myself, meaning the person you are or how you function, think, and react. You have ownership of you. So, when these two words are separated, what does it mean? Is the “self” something that develops over time? Is the “self” innate and natural? Is the “self” an accumulation of experiences over time or a fully formed part of you from the very beginning?

I KNOW THE ANSWER!!
Infants come into the world with a brilliance that enables them to understand everything happening around them. This brilliance is an innate knowledge of how humans function. We call this brilliance the “Self.” You are born smart. You are not just smart; you are born brilliant. The design of a human is to be intuitively brilliant. Being a brilliant reader of the world around you is your survival mechanism, and this makes perfect sense. If you did not have brilliance, you would immediately be at risk and unlikely to survive. This brilliant “Self” stays with you forever. Think of it as a guiding light or a magical force that can send you signals to help you make good choices, take the right risks, and repair when you fall off track. However, the world around you can cause you to build defenses or obscure access to your brilliant self.

YOUR SELF IS BRILLIANT
This part of you provides guidance and protection. Your “Self” is always working for your benefit and can support you regardless of circumstances. As we go through life, we develop scars. We get hurt, hold onto those hurts, and develop strategies to avoid the same type of hurt in the future. These strategies that we generate for protection are rarely productive. Yet, they tend to become permanent ways of thinking or acting. These strategies are our solutions to problem-solving on an emotional level. For example, if a sibling teases us, we may develop a strategy of avoiding close relationships with others. Some of us fear that closeness will eventually lead to teasing or making fun of us. As a result, we are suspicious of others and reluctant to let ourselves get close to them. We may develop social skills that keep us distant or put us above others. In either one of these scenarios, we can avoid closeness. By avoiding closeness, we experience safety. However, we also end up being lonely. The part of us that works to protect us has also created a significant loss for us.

Understanding these different parts of our personality is essential. We were born connected to another person, and that connection was in a safe environment that nurtured and allowed us to grow. After birth, we want to find other safe environments to grow. Our fear of being injured can cut us off from these possibilities. Look at your ways of functioning in a social setting and be willing to seek help to learn how to open yourself to relationships and community.

You were born connected and deserve to continue to have loving, successful connections with others.

Want to explore how self-connection and emotional clarity shape personal growth? Visit Lifengoal’s guide to connecting with self, Psychology Today’s reflections on your true self, and Touchstone Psychology’s breakdown of self-connection and emotional awareness.

If you’re reflecting on identity, emotional resilience, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, integration, and connection.

Connection, Puberty, and the Risk of Digital Companionship in AI Friends

Friendship is one of the deepest human needs. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how adolescence, technology, and artificial intelligence intersect—and why real connection matters more than ever.

Ok. That may be an oxymoron. AI is not human, though designed and programmed by humans. Friends are real people you can visit, touch, talk to, and argue with. However, if you are a teenager today, you may have more AI friends than human ones.

When we reach puberty, our brain chemistry changes, flooding our bodies with feelings, while our bodies undergo physical changes. Our bodies and brains become an authentic petri dish for the soul.

I remember a college friend describing her summer after starting menstruation. She said she lay in bed the entire summer and grew more than a foot. Her body underwent a metamorphosis, much like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. The difference being that she could not fly and struggled to own this new body. Puberty is not for the faint of heart.

While your body is betraying you and turning into this thing you do not recognize, your friendships are doing a 180 as well. The kids you played with on the swing sets and monkey bars are now holed up in their rooms, with phones and videos, and odd opportunities to check out content their parents would be appalled at. Close relationships are at risk. If you are fortunate, your childhood friends will remain near, and you may even go off to college together. If you are not, you will be stuck in a surreal world where you feel closer to a computer than to your neighbor.

Remember the movie Her. Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with an AI bot. Movies can sometimes tell stories about the future, and this is one of those. Today, people are falling in love with bots and deciding to marry them. The teenage son up in his bedroom could be falling in love with an imaginary being. The advantage of the imaginary being is that they may never disappoint you. Their program may be so responsive to your needs that you never experience rejection, your ideas are always valued, and your needs are validated.

Interacting with a machine could be nirvana. Then there is the 1968 movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which a supercomputer takes over a spacecraft and threatens the crew’s lives. I suppose all things are possible.

My preference would be to help our teens experience each other directly and in a variety of environments. That means leaving the phone behind and making eye contact. Nonverbal cues in communication are truly valuable. Facial expression, body posture, skin tone, gaze, tone of voice, and body movement are just a sampling of the nontextual cues that help us understand the person with whom we are communicating. Building relationships requires connection that goes far beyond the written word.

Want to explore more about teens, technology, and connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on why teens turn to AI for friendship and Greater Good’s guide to helping teens build real connection.

If you’re reflecting on technology, adolescence, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and authentic connection.

The Quiet Wonder, and Occasional Burden of Winter’s Most Delicate Creation: Snowflakes

Snowflakes look simple from a distance, but up close they reveal a world of complexity. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the beauty, symbolism, and emotional resonance of winter’s most iconic creation.

Light, fluffy, and wet: that is what I expect when I step outside on a snowy day.

The snowflake is a marvel. They say no two snowflakes are alike. If that is true, then snowflakes are a miracle. A small drop of water and a small particle of dust come together in an intricate formation that is a wonder. The ice crystal is hexagonal, with six‑fold symmetry and complex features.

I think if you set out to construct these things, you could not do it, at least not in the quantity required to fill the field or the front yard.

As the snowflake falls, its structure changes. The flake passes through layers of temperature and moisture, altering its composition. You can think of the same thing happening to you. As you grow and pass through various relationships and life experiences, your makeup changes too. A snowflake can undergo several modifications before landing on your windshield or sidewalk.

The snowflake’s pattern appears symmetrical, as if the atmosphere were acting on it from all sides at once. This process involves a lot of movement. You can imagine something so light and delicate being whirled through the atmosphere and spinning at top speed as it falls toward the ground.

Snowflakes are pure ice but look white. The white is a play of light, so they appear white to us. I suppose otherwise they would be invisible, and that would be weird. As the flake falls, the atmosphere reshapes it as it spins toward Earth, where it will land.

Once at its destination, it will be a marvel or a curse. For those who can stay indoors and peer out the window at the white blanket on the ground, the buildings, the trees, and the shrubs, the view is a treat. For those who must brave the cold to uncover the car and clear a path to the street, the wet conditions are a burden and a pain. Shoveling this stuff is truly physically painful. Depending on the moisture content, this stuff can be really heavy and hard to move.

Yet the delight of seeing it fall, then of dressing in layers of puffy clothing to venture into its midst, is so satisfying. Nothing beats waking your children up at 4 a.m. when the snow has finally settled. The neighborhood is still and quiet, with just enough light to see clearly. The fluffy white stuff flies into the air as you march along the street, trailing the sled to the local hill for pure joy, speeding down the slope, and avoiding the ditch.

Being first on the hill in the still of the morning is pure joy.

If winter reflections stir thoughts about resilience, change, or emotional well‑being, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, balance, and personal growth.

Psychology, Music, and the Lifelong Work of Emotional Growth with Online Therapy

Healing is a lifelong journey. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation explores how boys’ early emotional patterns shape adulthood, how therapy supports resilience, and how music can open doors to connection.

Good to see you,

What happens when the way we raise boys shapes the men they become, and in turn, the emotional lives of the families and communities around them? How do we create space for healing, reflection, and change across a lifetime?

This week, I joined the Jazz for Peace Legacy Series for a conversation that weaves together psychology, personal history, and the power of music to spark growth. We talked about early experiences, the emotional worlds of boys and men, and the lifelong work of understanding yourself with honesty and compassion. Rick also shared a beautiful musical medley inspired by a story from my childhood that reminded me how deeply music can open doors to connection.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How early emotional patterns shape boys and follow them into adulthood
• Why understanding your personal history is essential for healing
• Ways trauma shows up across the lifespan, often quietly
• How therapy can help rebuild confidence, communication, and relational safety
• The surprising power of art and music to support emotional growth

If you have been exploring your own story or wanting a deeper understanding of the patterns that shaped you, this conversation offers clarity, warmth, and a gentle path toward insight.

🎧 Tune In On Spotify: Online Therapy, Boys to Men, and the Path to Healing | Jazz for Peace Legacy Series

🎧 Tune In On Apple Podcasts: Online Therapy, Boys to Men, and the Path to Healing | Jazz for Peace Legacy Series

Want to explore more about boys’ emotional development and healing? Visit Psychology Today’s article on how trauma shapes emotional growth and Greater Good’s guide to how music supports emotional connection.

If you’re reflecting on personal history, trauma, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and connection.

SHAVING

Emotional Suppression, Gender Norms, and the Cost of Cultural Conditioning

Not all shaving happens with a razor. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional suppression—especially in boys—is a cultural practice that shapes identity, relationships, and resilience.

OK, I know your immediate association was either men shaving their beards or women shaving their legs and armpits, but that is not the kind of shaving I am referencing.

I am talking about shaving off the natural abilities for experiencing and expressing emotions. As our children age, we begin shaving to eliminate or reduce their access to different feeling states. When my grandparents were alive and well two generations ago, this shaving was pretty close to a complete scalping. Feelings were discouraged because they would get in the way of survival. My grandparents started their marriage by living in a Lean-To. Look it up. Or, no, wait, I will describe it. A lean-to is made of branches and sticks found in the woods. The branches have one end on or stuck into the ground, while the far end runs skyward and is held up by another branch buried in the ground. The angled branches are held together with rope or strips of hide. The front of the lean-to is wide open and exposed to the elements. If you put yourself in that kind of “home,” you realize the couple did not have much time for emotional expression. They were too busy focusing on survival.

On the other hand, my parents, representative of the next generation, started their marriage in a sturdy three-bedroom home made of brick and clapboard. This comfortable place gave them more free time to express themselves and experience various emotions. Since they were not constantly focused on survival, they could appreciate being happy, having fun, being curious, or just exploring. Still, some actual shaving was going on as society systematically reduced the male’s access to the full range of feeling states. As a culture, we saw fit to deny the male population access to the full range of emotional expression. They were allowed negative feelings of irritation, anger, and even rage but denied access to more positive emotions such as tenderness, closeness, and attachment. Feelings of longing or neediness were taboo.

We now know that males come into the world with access to the full range of emotional expression. Some research indicates that male infants have a broader range of emotions than their female counterparts. Yet, we systematically train them to eliminate the more tender, vulnerable feelings in favor of macho, strong, emotionless expression. No wonder our jail population is predominantly male. We shave off their emotional capabilities before they can walk.

How do we expect them to be insightful about the feelings of others, particularly their wives, mothers, and female friends or colleagues? The expectation that I will take a capability away from you and then expect you to access it at will is the very definition of insanity. The men in your life are trained to deny any feelings they have unless they fall on the irritation and anger end of the spectrum. The only way to change this is to stop shaving our little boys.

Want to explore how emotional suppression and gender norms shape development? Visit Gender Study’s guide to emotional expression and gender, Meet the Motivators’ reflections on shaving and body neutrality, and University of Toronto’s inquiry into shaving and gender construction.

If you’re reflecting on emotional development, gender identity, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.

Seeing What’s in Your Way, and Clearing Space for What Matters

Life is full of challenges, big and small. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how noticing your daily obstacles can create clarity, reduce overwhelm, and open space for growth.

Ok, I hear you. Getting up in the morning can be a challenge. Figuring out what to make for dinner can be a challenge. Shutting off the news can be a challenge. Visiting your aging relative can be a challenge.

Ok, challenges are everywhere you turn. Recognizing these challenges can help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed, which is essential for your personal growth.

Maybe I am just nuts. Or perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Nope.

I am just plain realistic. Everything is a challenge. Some are really tiny, like which brand of tissue to buy. Some are really big, like deciding which job to apply for after being laid off. Most of them fall in between.

In my experience, challenges pop up all around you, and most of them are met quickly and easily, with little thought. My hope here is that you will look at these and take time to decide whether you need some “house cleaning.”

To take a look, you first need to recognize the daily, weekly, and monthly challenges. Start a list and prioritize them by urgency and impact. Don’t be in a hurry. Let the list sit and fill throughout a week. As you go about your daily routine, the challenges will be obvious—or not. Take time to pay attention for one week and write them down.

Now, get a cup of tea or your favorite coffee and sit down with your list. You have no doubt made an accurate assessment of the weekly events that fill your time. Now, take a broader look at the month, the quarter, the year, and add those things to the list. Getting big isn’t it. Keep going. Collect everything you can think of.

Now take a break and be glad you were so thorough. Breaks are essential, and we often forget how important they are. Frequently, we need a family member or a friend to remind us to take a breather. Be grateful for them. Our brains work better after a break. I am always amazed at how true this is.

I find myself hyper-focused, with the stress mounting, and too often I experience that stress as the necessary fuel to complete the project. Intense stress is helpful in a crisis. Hyperfocus can give you the strength to lift a car off a trapped child or cross the finish line in a race. Our bodies are remarkable machines, but most projects do not require hyperfocus.

Most projects like this one we are addressing require attention, attention to detail, and creativity. With your list in hand, look for the “offloads.” Identify tasks that can be delegated or eliminated, such as folding your daughters’ gym outfits. These offloads can be given back to the source or shared with others. Yes, this may result in some whining and complaining from the source, but do you really need to do everything yourself?

Think of the space you have freed up for your own endeavors. Remember that you promised yourself that you would write some poetry. Well, here is just the time you need.

If you’re reflecting on overwhelm, boundaries, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and meaningful change.

Emotional intimacy is one of the hardest bridges to build. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation explores how boys learn to shut down feelings, when men show emotion and how couples can create trust and connection.

Good to see you,

What happens when men finally show emotion and the women in their lives do not know how to receive it?

This week, I joined The Purple Passion Project to talk about the emotional lives of men, how boys learn to shut down feelings, and why so many couples struggle to create real intimacy. We explored the quiet ways culture shapes the emotional worlds of boys and the painful distance that can grow when those lessons follow them into adulthood.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why men often struggle with intimacy
• How parenting and early expectations limit boys’ emotional expression
• What happens when women ask for emotional availability but feel unsettled when it finally appears
• How porn becomes a substitute for connection when vulnerability feels unsafe
• What couples can do to build trust, presence, and emotional openness

This is a conversation about healing the emotional divide between men and women, understanding what gets in the way, and choosing connection with honesty and compassion.

🎧 Listen to the full episode here: When Men Show Emotion and Women Pull Away | The Purple Passion Project

Want to explore more about emotional intimacy and connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on why men struggle with emotional expression and Greater Good’s guide to how couples build emotional trust.

If you’re navigating intimacy challenges or seeking tools to strengthen emotional connection, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, trust, and emotional growth.

WAITING

Time, Patience, and the Hidden Gift of Pause

Waiting isn’t just idle time—it’s a mirror of modern life. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how waiting shapes our routines, reveals our values, and offers unexpected opportunities for growth.

Do you ever wonder how much of your life you devote to waiting? Of course, you do not think of this as a devotion. There is the obvious piece of waiting in line. We do that in many places: the grocery store, the movie theater, the ticket counter, the boarding pass nightmare. Most of us adjust and accept these pieces of life as usual and necessary. Realistically, they are. I see no other way to check out my groceries when the store is busy. Even the self-checkout can have a line! Besides, I could never figure out that machine anyway. I prefer to chat with the cashier.

Then there is the parental responsibility where you wait in the carpool line with your big block number in the corner of the windshield so the monitor on the curb can match your car with the right child. A parent’s life is full of waiting. You take your child to the gymnastics place and wait on the benches or watch the multiple screens showing children in different classes practicing their moves and bouncing on different equipment. You pray that yours does not come out with broken bones or defeated emotions. Or when they do make an emergency trip to the hospital, you wait in the hall on those wretched benches while the surgeon puts your child back together, and you hope for the news of complete repair.

Because you can now look anything up on the internet, I searched for the answer to how many hours we spend waiting. Wait for it! In 2023, adults spent 113 hours waiting over one year. Consider an 8-hour workday, and you spend two weeks waiting in line. On the one hand, you might think this is okay. After all, you must get groceries, go to the doctor, fly home for holidays, see an occasional movie in person, and attend at least one sporting event. Maybe waiting is not so bad. However, the survey gives us the average overall waiting time. If your children are under 16 years old and not yet driving, waiting is close to triple that. A sports practice is at least two hours; if your child is on a travel team, forget it. Calculating your waiting time would be futile.

What do you do with this time? If you think of this time as a gift and not a curse, you can use it productively. Even the time in the grocery store line can be productive. The television ad touting the app to make you an expert in any language that you choose could be a great benefit. Instead of playing some mind-numbing game on your phone, pull up one of the language apps. Think of it. With 113 hours devoted to learning French, Spanish, or Portuguese, you would have to become fluent.

Your phone makes so many things accessible. Want to learn how to fix a toilet? YouTube has numerous videos. Want to learn how to play dominoes? Yep. YouTube to the rescue. Or have you always said that you will read the classics when you retire? You guessed it. Your phone can bring the classics to you no matter what line you are standing in. Why use your phone to play Candy Crush when you could be mastering a language or expanding your knowledge?

Want to explore how waiting time can be transformed into productivity? Visit Lean Outside the Box’s guide to eliminating waiting waste, Adastra’s insights on waiting waste and sustainability, and Errol Allen Consulting’s strategies for monitoring wait times.

If you’re reflecting on time, patience, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and purposeful living.

Welcoming the New Year with Light, Noise, and New Year’s Resolutions

The new year begins with sparks, sound, and celebration. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how fireworks, resolutions, and rituals remind us of the power of renewal and connection.

All around the globe, the new year is welcomed with loud noise and displays of color and fire. The sky lights up with sparks, explosive colors, noise, and explosions that both frighten and delight. Families gather on blankets on the lawn or hillside. They arrive early, bring sandwiches and drinks, and settle in for the show. Earplugs are provided for the little ones and sunglasses for the older ones.

The pre-show generally has music groups to entertain or the occasional skit or magician. Everyone has come in anticipation of celebrating the new year. We look forward to beginning again. A fresh start is always welcome. We make resolutions that may last a week, a month, or, if we are fortunate, they may change the course of our lives.

What have been your New Year’s resolutions? The general one that everyone can identify with is to watch what we eat and do more exercise. How did you do with that one last year? If you take yourself seriously, you made a change and stayed with it. Maybe you committed to walking each morning or evening. Perhaps you joined a gym and made time with a trainer who encouraged you and held you accountable. Some of you organized a group to play pickleball. Your diet changes may have been subtle but essential. Maybe you cut back on sweets, limited alcohol, or switched your salad dressing.

Committing to yourself is essential. After all, you know yourself and what you need. Prioritizing yourself is often the hardest thing to do, and yet it is critical. Finally, make that appointment for an annual physical. Determine what you will do to keep yourself fit. Resolve to look at your relationships and take note of the changes that will improve each one. After all, connections with others do keep us healthy.

Have you ever wondered why the new year is welcomed with loud noise and blinding displays of color? Sometimes, I think it is to wake us up to the reality that change is possible and essential. Once a year, we prioritize reviewing where we are and where we want to go. This is a good habit and would probably be welcomed more often. But once a year is excellent. We focus on reflecting on the past year, examining where we want to be 365 days from now, and planning the route to get there. If you do this well, you will have a map for the next 12 months. If you publish it, you will have a team to support and encourage you. If you flesh it out, you will reach your goals, and a year from now, your life will have changed for the better.

Happy New Year.

Want to explore how rituals of renewal shape our lives? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the psychology of New Year’s resolutions and Greater Good’s guide to how New Year’s traditions foster connection and growth.

If you’re reflecting on resolutions, self-care, or relational growth this season, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.