Category: Blog Posts

How Weather, Memory, and Nature Quietly Restores Us

Yes, we need the rain. Yes, my garden is thirsty. Yes, the trees and shrubs have been begging for water, not to mention the grass. But come on. Seven straight days of rain make me want to start building an ark.

Today, though, the breeze is gentle, and the birch trees are enjoying their play with the wind. From the screened porch, I can feel the air without fighting the bugs, and I’m sheltered from the sunburn I’m prone to. Being outside does something to your soul. It feels like a hunger programmed into the brain. Maybe those nine months of confinement in the womb leave us forever longing for the outdoors, drawn back to it again and again.

I especially envy the hiker who can throw on a backpack and wander through miles of forest or field. They get to see life up close and in simple terms. I am more of the rocking‑chair type, with a view of the garden where colors and scents mingle in the air. It reminds me of summers on the farm, lazy evenings on the porch swing, the scent of lilac drifting by. Don’t get me wrong. I work hard and love my work. But when I close the computer, I am hungry for nature, for the garden, for the soft tone of the wind chime in the center of the yard.

I am grateful for the rain — it is the necessary ingredient for the flowers, trees, and shrubs I enjoy. Today, the breeze moves the birch tree in ways that make it look as if it’s dusting the sky. The fan of the tree becomes a giant feather duster, sweeping the clouds. Perhaps they do need freshening up.

The rain has also boosted the clematis. Suddenly, it is climbing above the trellis and reaching for the deck rails. I hope it succeeds. Seeing those lovely blue blooms weave between the railings would be a welcome sight.

I know it will rain again. I know we need it. I know I will be stuck inside, longing for it to end. I just have a hard time staying indoors when the outside is so complicated, so alive, and so endlessly interesting.

For more reflections on nature, memory, and the psychology of restoration, explore Psychology Today and research from the Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how nature, rhythm, or seasonal shifts affect your emotional life, therapy can help you understand and deepen those connections. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding, clarity, and emotional renewal.

A Featured Conversation about Emotional Healing on the NeuroAlchemy Podcast

Good to see you,

I recently joined Dr. Sarah Young on the NeuroAlchemy podcast for a meaningful conversation about emotional healing, self‑awareness, and the lifelong process of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been silenced over time.

Many of us learn early in life to suppress certain emotions in order to cope or fit in. While those strategies may help us survive, they can also leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves and from the people we care about.

In this conversation, we explore how emotional awareness, curiosity, and compassion can help us better understand our inner world and create healthier, more authentic relationships.

In our conversation, we discuss:

• How childhood experiences shape emotional development
• Internal Family Systems and understanding the different parts of ourselves
• Emotion Focused Therapy and the role emotions play in healing
• Why emotional suppression affects relationships and well‑being
• Raising emotionally intelligent children, especially boys
• How self‑reflection and emotional awareness support lasting personal growth

Healing is not about becoming someone new. It is about reconnecting with who you have always been beneath the protective layers you developed along the way.

I hope this conversation offers insight, encouragement, and hope wherever you are on your journey.

Watch the full conversation:
NeuroAlchemy Podcast Episode

Rooting for your growth,
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst
Psychologist, Author, and Speaker

For more reflections on emotional development, identity, and healing, explore Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating emotional disconnection, early‑life patterns, or a season of personal change, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful growth.

A Conversation for Maryland and DC Families About Boys’ Emotional Development

I recently joined Atul Raj on the Genius Talk Podcast to discuss a topic that has shaped my work for more than fifty years: how boys are taught to manage their emotions, and how those lessons follow them into adulthood.

During our conversation, I shared a moment from my clinical practice that has stayed with me. A preschool boy once told me that when he cried, he swallowed his tears and they turned into rocks in his stomach. Eventually, those “rocks” would come out as anger and throwing things. His words captured, in a child’s language, what emotional suppression looks like in real time.

In this episode, we explored several important themes:

• How boys’ natural energy and need for movement are often misunderstood as behavioral problems in structured environments like classrooms
• The subtle but powerful differences in how adults comfort crying girls versus crying boys
• Why boys are frequently discouraged from expressing sadness, tenderness, or fear, and how anger becomes the only socially acceptable outlet
• How these early experiences shape men’s ability to form close relationships, communicate in marriage, and connect emotionally with their own children
• Practical tools adults can use to rebuild emotional awareness, including reflective journaling and using a feelings vocabulary sheet

We also discussed how fathers can build healthier relationships with their sons by first reconnecting with their own emotional lives—something many men were never given the chance to develop growing up.

If you are a parent, partner, educator, or simply someone interested in understanding boys and men more deeply, I believe this conversation will resonate with you.

🎧 Listen to the full episode here:
Why Boys Are Taught to Swallow Their Tears – Genius Talk Podcast

For more reflections on emotional development and family well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you want tools to support boys’ and men’s emotional growth, including my downloadable feelings sheet, visit drvanderhorst.com. You can also learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC and therapeutic approaches that help families build emotional awareness and healthier communication.

Helping boys grow into emotionally healthy men begins with small, intentional shifts, moments of curiosity, patience, and presence.

JUST RIGHT

Perfection, Pressure, and the Power of Enough

“Just right” isn’t mediocrity—it’s emotional truth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how performance pressure in youth sports can distort self-worth, and why unconditional affirmation is the antidote to shame.

Are you striving for excellence? When you take your preschooler to the park for soccer lessons, are you hoping to see the Pele of the future? Today, I watch parents driving their athletic prospects all over the countryside to compete in athletic contests. Pick a sport, and you can find a competitive process that starts around middle school or earlier. Sports training has also become big business, with centers around the country designed as “live-in” camps that will provide academic classes and expert training in the sport of your choice.

Do you have a budding tennis star? Or a beefy football player? Or even a promising volleyball player? Your child can board, train, practice, and be viewed by the pros. Of course, you have to pay for this, but if you are housing the next Pele, it may be worth it.

What happens to the children who don’t make the cut? What is the outcome for the boy or girl just having fun with their sport and using it to release tension or challenge themselves to be disciplined about working on a skill? They don’t see themselves in the pros; they are having fun and enjoy being with their friends in a competition.

When I see the families living in their cars without realizing it and placing professional expectations on their children, I wonder what happens to the thousands who will not make the cut. Do you know that thousands will not make the cut? The statistics are clear. Less than .02% of high school athletes end up playing at the pro level. At what point does the push for perfection become the sense of shame the child will carry?

I am reminded of a parent friend who told me the story of his gymnastics star. His daughter had been committed to gymnastics from preschool. The parents drove everywhere and even mounted an airplane to go to distant competitions. As a teen, his daughter, one day, collapsed on the kitchen floor and, through a flood of tears, announced that she did not want to do it anymore and had been afraid to say so for fear of letting her parents down. She thought they had dreams of the Olympics and that she must fulfill them. As her Dad held her and reassured her, both were in tears and relieved.

He carefully reassured her that she was “just right” as she was and that no performance would ever change that.

Want to explore how emotional pressure in youth sports affects well-being? Visit Sports Medicine Weekly’s guide to mental health in athletics, Stanford’s reflections on emotional resilience in elite sports, and Riverside Sports Therapy’s breakdown of mental health and performance.

If you’re reflecting on identity, pressure, or emotional affirmation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and self-worth.

A Celebration of Freedom, Memory, and the Spirit of Community on July 4th

What a fun celebration! This year is special, and every fence row in the neighborhood has decided to display patriotic bunting. Everything is festive, and the mood carries easily into the day.

Memories of other Fourths come flooding back. One time, my father bought some firecrackers and other small things and set them off in the alley beside our house. I remember him using long kitchen matches to light these things and then running like hell. They were probably not very dangerous, but your fingers were still at risk. No one wants to lose a finger. Everyone was excited to see these things shoot above the rooftops. Of course, when they landed, they were still smoldering, so someone had to run around and stomp them out — and that was even better entertainment.

This year, Washington, DC, has been decked out to the hilt. Roads are closed to make way for the crowds, and a giant Ferris wheel has been placed on the Mall. This thing is so big that I wonder whether it is real and, if so, whether it is stable. I do not think I will risk it. The Mall has been turned into a huge celebration venue. One dares not have business downtown, as the streets are blocked and the backup on all the side streets is unbelievable. I am certain that the fireworks will be spectacular, and the military band will entertain the crowds with patriotic songs.

Every community and town will be mounting its own celebration. Families will gather on lawns and in parks to listen to the local high school band and watch the fireworks at dusk. This is a time of true gratitude as we remember how our country was born and how it has thrived.

Our founding fathers were wise beyond belief. They drew on their experiences with other governments and created an experiment that had never been attempted before. They trusted each other and spread that trust to the people. Sure, they made some mistakes, but overall they created a government unique in the world. The thought that every person would be considered and represented was unheard of. The idea that checks and balances would be needed to ensure the integrity of government was truly unique. And the possibility of amending was a brilliant recognition that they could not imagine all circumstances moving forward and needed a formal adjustment plan.

Thank you, Founding Fathers, for this remarkable achievement.

For more reflections on tradition, community, and the psychology of national identity, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating family traditions, community connection, or the emotional meaning of shared celebrations, therapy can offer grounding and clarity. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support reflection, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

A Metaphor for Effort, Patience, and the Rewards Hidden Beneath the Surface

I rarely have an artichoke, but I rather like them.

The plant can be found in Portugal, Morocco, Libya, and Greece. These are lovely places to visit, and the artichoke is a native plant, so you could pick one yourself if you would like.

The artichoke is a thistle. Think of that. Most of us give thistles a very wide berth. They are prickly and painful when you get stuck with one. Somehow, the stickers embed themselves in ways that are truly painful and hard to remove. I think I would give an artichoke plant a very wide berth. I would definitely send someone else to pick them. Even professional pickers wrap them in material to keep the stickers from embedding in the skin. Those things are devilish and very difficult to remove.

I will “stick” with buying them at the grocery store.

The artichoke is built to protect its goodies. One may not be able to think of another vegetable or fruit with such protection. First, it is a thistle. Just the look of a thistle plant will send you in the other direction. Those little spines on the bloom will jab you and not let go. Then the fruit itself is truly ugly, and the overlapping “leaves” are hard, as though they were made of concrete. When you look at one of these things, you would have no idea that it has any culinary value.

To find the value, you have to steam the whole thing. Then you can peel away these spiny wing things, which do provide a small treat of their own, but your goal lies much deeper. The heart of the artichoke is your target. That thing is delicious, and it should be, because you have taken your life in your hands to get there.

As you peel off each leaf, the meaty part is delicious dunked in melted butter. But keep going. You must get to the heart of the matter. The heart should be fork‑tender, and each morsel dipped in butter. Cooking this thing is not easy, but the result is elegant and satisfying.

The artichoke is a metaphor for every endeavor in life. At first, it looks daunting. You wonder if it is worth it. Parts of it look dangerous and clearly tell you to back off. Yet there is a promise of something sweet and rewarding if you just persist. Then the labor kicks in. Nothing comes easily. You always have to put your back into it and do the work. As you push forward, the process becomes easier. Then, suddenly, you are at the heart of the matter, and the reward is so sweet. It was tough getting here, but boy, was it worth it.

The heart of the matter is always worth it.

For more reflections on resilience, growth, and the psychology of persistence, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating life challenges, transitions, or the deeper “heart” of your own emotional work, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and meaningful change.

SATISFIED

Expectations, Grace, and the Gentle Art of Repair

Satisfaction isn’t perfection—it’s connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional expectations shape our relationships, and how grace, humor, and repair transform disappointment into deeper understanding.

Satisfied is a feeling that comes after something else. This feeling depends on what comes before in the same way that other feelings depend on the ongoing experience.

To be satisfied generally means that you have an expectation. Perhaps you ordered a bouquet for a friend, only to learn that one of the blooms tucked into it was past its prime. That was not the message you meant to send for her 80th birthday. Perhaps you tried a new restaurant and decided to be adventurous and order the seafood, only to discover a collection of bones you were not anticipating. Maybe you went to a fancy resort with a hefty price tag, only to awake in the middle of the night to find a mouse nibbling on the chocolates on the side table.

We have all had similar adventures at some point in our lives. What do we do with them?

Will my friend make a joke about the tired bloom so that we can laugh together? Will she take a picture of the tired mum and remember to send it to me on my birthday? I hope so.

Will the restaurant apologize for the bony fish and not charge me for the entrée? I hope so.

Will the resort apologize for the mouse, explain how difficult it is to keep them out of the cottages here in the boonies, and then give me a discount on the room? I hope so.

What will I do when my actions have disappointed another and caused them to be less than satisfied?

I hope to find a lovely card and send a sincere message of apology and understanding. I hope to confirm the experience the next time it comes up and make a loving connection with the offended. I hope to understand the power and meaning of my offense and make efforts to be more intentional and purposeful in the future.

I want to satisfy and be satisfied. Reciprocity is essential in a relationship. Mistakes happen. Things go wrong when you least expect it. Life can get in the way of the good and cause a mess. I have heard it said that life is just “messy” anyway.

When I realize how complicated life can be and that things can always go wrong regardless of your intentions, I can find grace in my heart. Grace to forgive. Grace to laugh. Grace to mourn. Grace to love.

Want to explore how emotional expectations and grace shape relationship satisfaction? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to emotional intimacy and satisfaction, Current Psychology’s study on gratitude and forgiveness, and Oak Health Foundation’s reflections on grace and expectations.

If you’re reflecting on emotional repair, relational grace, or satisfaction, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional clarity.

On Aging, Options, and Knowing What Truly Fits Your Life

Yes, you know what I am talking about. There comes a time when you are getting older and looking ahead. You may even find yourself considering an elevator in your house. Have you noticed the TV ads for those round glass elevators that fit into the corner of the living room?

The woman climbing into the elevator is always perfectly fit and trim. She looks like she could run a marathon or climb three flights of stairs without losing her breath. Yet when she steps into the contraption, she fills the entire space and smiles serenely as it rises.

Where is the walker and the older woman bent over it? Where is the wheelchair? Neither of those will fit in the tube. If you can sprint up the stairs, you do not need the elevator. If you rely on a walker or wheelchair, they will not fit. I suppose you could lie on the floor, send the chair up, then crawl into the tube yourself—but you would still be stuck getting back onto your feet.

Alternatively, you might consider condos with spacious elevators, better suited for walkers and grocery carts. These retirement condos look appealing in advertisements: active seniors, abundant amenities, pools, spas, access to doctors and groceries, even in‑unit physical therapy. Entertainment and craft spaces abound. The marketing—like the elevator ads—celebrates an idealized lifestyle, but at least the features match a wider range of needs.

For some, embracing this change is a positive choice. I have a friend who moved and now thrives with her own art studio. Her experience shows that such transitions can be fulfilling.

I know exactly what I would miss: sitting in the sunroom and watching the lively parade of walkers and bike riders passing the house. These daily scenes define what makes this place special to me.

I see fathers helping their children learn to ride a bike, holding a long pole attached to the bicycle seat so they can keep the child upright from a distance as they run behind, calling out, “Slow down.”

There is the inevitable crowd of dog walkers of all ages stopping to let their dogs do their business in the yard. A talented teen manages to ride a unicycle up the steep hill—she must be in excellent shape. And there is the mother from Denmark who pedals her children to school in a large box on the front of her bike. Of all these, I admire her the most.

I cannot see trading this in, even with amenities like the pool, sauna, and multiple restaurants down the hall. My main reason is simple: what I have now suits my needs.

For more reflections on aging, transitions, and emotional well‑being, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are navigating a life transition—downsizing, aging in place, or evaluating new options—therapy can help clarify what truly matters. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional clarity, resilience, and grounded decision‑making.

Scents Are The Invisible Language of the Garden, And the Brain

The garden is in full bloom, though some plants, like the clematis, especially gorgeous and abundant this year, are starting to fade. There were so many blooms that the trellis pulled away from its moorings. I want more clematis! Now the bulb plants are taking over, many of them scented as well. This makes me wonder about the power of the nose.

Scent is a primary function of the brain, essential for survival. Our brains are designed to help us thrive, and scent guides us: sweet smells draw us closer, while stinky smells lead us away. Our sense of smell is an early warning system for safety or danger.

Your olfactory nerve is the first sensory nerve, CN I. That alone suggests smell is important to humans. Your sense of smell reaches the brain in two ways. One is through your nose. The nose protects and serves as an early warning system. Airborne molecules enter your nose and send information to your brain, alerting you to approach or avoid. The other pathway is through your mouth. Taste receptors allow molecules from food or liquids to travel to the olfactory sensors at the back of your nose.

Our olfactory sense acts as an early warning system for survival. If you put something dangerous in your mouth, you will reflexively spit it out. Scents in the air similarly alert you to danger, prompting you to move away. Who knew your nose was such a good survival tool?

However, there are specific situations in which you do not want this system to take the lead. In certain types of danger, responders must be trained to tolerate odors to perform the necessary work. The same is true for soldiers in battle. They must also be trained to tolerate such smells. This is not an easy task because we are all naturally programmed to avoid them. Counteracting your brain is not easy.

For now, I focus on the sweet scents from the backyard border plantings and the flower garden by the porch. The image of a young maiden lying in a field of flowers is perfect. Who would not want to lie in a meadow and experience wonderful scents wafting through the air?

For more reflections on sensory experience, memory, and the brain’s emotional pathways, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring how sensory experiences, early memories, or emotional patterns shape your well‑being, therapy can offer clarity and grounding. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, resilience, and emotional renewal.

The Complexity, Influence, and Legacy of the Men Who Shape Us

The word “fathers” evokes a wide range of responses — from deep affection and admiration to complicated, painful memories. In my work as a psychologist, I have witnessed the full spectrum of emotional reactions. This diversity highlights both the importance and the complexity of a father’s influence.

Fathers can present in profoundly negative ways:

• The stoic man who rules silently
• The angry man who rules with cruelty
• The absent man who rules through mystery

And fathers can present in profoundly positive ways:

• The sacrificing man who gives generously
• The hard‑working man who gives tirelessly
• The loving man who gives tenderly

I was fortunate to have a father who was kind and principled — a man who led with reasoning and logic, mixed with humor and challenge.

As Father’s Day approaches, your reflections may naturally turn toward the fathers in your own life. You may find yourself pausing to consider their impact on who you are today.

The Story Behind Father’s Day

The origin of this holiday reveals much about our cultural attitudes toward fathers. Did you know that William Jackson Smart was its inspiration? He lived in Spokane, Washington — a city known for its lilac bushes, planted in the early 1900s as part of a beautification effort. A lovely association, but the real story lies with Smart himself.

William Jackson Smart was a Civil War veteran who raised six children alone after his wife died in childbirth. He must have done an extraordinary job. His daughter, Sonora Smart Dodd, advocated for a day to honor fathers, inspired by his devotion and sacrifice. In 1910, she convinced local clergy to celebrate fatherhood, and Spokane embraced the idea with an annual celebration.

But moving from local recognition to national acknowledgment proved far more difficult.

The Long Road to National Recognition

The journey to establishing Father’s Day as a national holiday was surprisingly complicated — a reflection of our ambivalence about fatherhood.

• Congress initially rejected the idea.
• Eight years passed before it was reconsidered.
• In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge supported making it a national holiday — Congress did not act.
• Years later, Senator Margaret Chase Smith accused Congress of ignoring fathers while celebrating mothers.
• In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson issued a Presidential Proclamation recognizing Father’s Day.
• Finally, in 1972, President Richard Nixon made it an official national holiday.

What a journey. What a struggle for fathers to be recognized as valuable members of the family.

The complexity of this path mirrors the complexity of our feelings about fathers themselves.

Your Story

As Father’s Day approaches, consider your own story. What has shaped your understanding of fatherhood? What has been given? What has been missing? What remains unresolved? And what deserves gratitude?

For more reflections on family, identity, and emotional development, explore articles on Psychology Today and research from Greater Good Science Center.

If you are exploring your relationship with your father — or the impact of fatherhood on your emotional life — therapy can offer clarity and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that help deepen understanding, healing, and emotional resilience.