Category: Blog Posts

Support, Discovery, and the Power of Emotional Contact

Protection isn’t just defense, it’s connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early relationships shape our sense of safety, and how emotional support can transform isolation into belonging.

Protection is such an interesting word. You can take it apart: Pro and Tection.

The Pro part is straightforward and reflects support. The Tection has two interesting possibilities. It could be seen as a misspelling of detection or taction. If detection is the intent, then we are focusing on finding or discovering. If taction is the intent, then we are focusing on touch or being in contact with something.

Let’s look at the options. I could be supporting someone or something with the intent of discovery. Or I could be supporting with the intent to influence or emotionally touch someone.

No matter how I experience this word, I am interacting with someone or something. The word is dynamic. Interaction forms the basis of our existence. We are born dependent on those around us. Interaction is necessary for survival. The type of interaction will shape how I move through the world and what I expect from it.

If my caregivers are kind and loving, I will expect the world to receive me and be interested in me. I will move into the world with interest and curiosity. I don’t need to be bold, just active. Action will put me in touch with various parts of my world. I will encounter people, places, and things.

If my caregivers are neglectful or aggressive, I will likely do one of two things. I will withdraw and isolate myself for protection, or I will push forward and attack others before they can attack me. Neither of these approaches is healthy.

There is a connection between how I relate to the world and my overall well-being. Both withdrawal and aggression are high-risk ways of relating to the world around me. My body and brain need connection that nurtures and supports me. Withdrawal and attack do not leave room for either need.

Children who fall into this latter category need protection and support. Sometimes that comes from a neighboring family. Many times, I have heard stories of neighbors being a “second family.” The adult sitting in my office has fond memories of that neighboring family, where they retreated for peace, support, comfort, or simply to escape.

When our own families are chaotic or dangerous, we are grateful for the neighbor or relative who sees our need and accepts our presence as if we had always belonged there.

Protection: the positive intent to find support and comfort in relationships with others.

Want to explore how early relationships shape emotional safety and resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s article on early attachment and adult relationships and Greater Good’s guide to emotional safety in relationships.

If you’re navigating emotional vulnerability, relational trauma, or the need for support, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support healing, connection, and emotional clarity.

Why Your Earliest Experiences Still Shape You Today

Our earliest memories may be hidden from conscious awareness, but they are never lost. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how the brain stores early experiences and how those unseen layers influence emotional life in the present.

As I do therapy, I am increasingly impressed by the power of our early histories. Our brains hold on to everything we have experienced since birth. Actually, there is evidence that we also have memories from the last trimester in utero, but we are not going there for now. Let’s stick with the fact that our brains store all experiences from birth forward. That is a huge amount of data.

Think of the data centers popping up across the country that manage what I am doing now and what you will do on your cell phone in the next few minutes. Those places take up acres of territory. Now read that earlier statement again: our brains store everything from birth forward. No wonder our brains have all of these folds and crannies.

Seriously. If our brains store this history, then we should be able to retrieve it. Of course we can gain access to these stored experiences. You may experience access through dreams at night. You may experience access randomly when someone triggers a memory by sharing a story with you, or when you find yourself in a place you visited long ago. Access can also be triggered chemically, and several people are using ketamine sessions that facilitate this as well.

Your early history is generally difficult to access directly. I mean, who wants to replay a diaper change? Yet these pieces of early history influence our present, and uncovering the connection is an important part of emotional growth. For example, let’s say that your mother was an alcoholic, and when she was drunk, she flew into rages and hit you repeatedly for no apparent reason. Let’s further imagine that you were a toddler and had no conscious memory of this. Your mother got successful treatment, and the family has never mentioned this history. Yet you tend to avoid close relationships with women and cannot figure out why that avoidance is so prominent. You have no conscious memory that explains this avoidant tendency.

Your brain is doing its natural thing. Your brain is using factual history to protect you in the present. Uncovering that piece of your history can lead to understanding and to the freedom to choose whether to change it. Our brains are designed to focus on survival. They do that assignment very, very well.

Want to explore more about memory, early experiences, and emotional development? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on early memory and emotional patterns and Greater Good’s research on how early experiences shape well‑being.

If this reflection inspires you to explore your own history or understand long‑standing emotional patterns, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.

Navigating the Challenges of Fatherhood

Fatherhood is one of the most powerful forces shaping a boy’s emotional life. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation offers clarity, encouragement, and practical guidance for raising emotionally strong sons.

Hello,

In just a few hours, I will be joining AJ for a live conversation about fatherhood, emotional strength, and what boys truly need from the men raising them.

Many fathers want to raise confident, grounded sons. Yet too often, boys are taught to restrict their emotional lives long before they understand what they are feeling. Strength becomes confused with silence. Independence becomes confused with emotional distance.

With fifty years of clinical experience working with preschoolers through adults, I have seen how early emotional messages shape identity and relationships. Boys are not born emotionally narrow. They are shaped by what is permitted, encouraged, or dismissed.

Tonight, we will explore how fathers can lead with emotional clarity rather than control, and how modeling awareness and accountability builds resilience that lasts into adulthood.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• Why boys’ emotional expression often becomes restricted early in life
• How sadness that is not supported can turn into anger or withdrawal
• The difference between praising performance and valuing character
• Why fathers must model emotional honesty
• How to teach accountability without shame
• Practical tools to expand a boy’s emotional vocabulary

This discussion is about courage—the courage to examine our own upbringing, to express attachment openly, and to stay present when our children struggle.

The episode airs today at 8:00 PM Pacific Time / 11:00 PM Eastern Standard Time.

Watch the live episode here:
Awaken, Align, Ascend (The True North Show) – Live Stream

I hope you will join us for what promises to be a meaningful and practical conversation for anyone raising or guiding boys.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria K. Vanderhorst
Psy

Want to explore more about fatherhood, emotional development, and raising resilient boys? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on boys and emotional growth and Greater Good’s research on parenting and emotional resilience.

If this conversation resonates with your experience as a father or caregiver, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional clarity, connection, and growth.

Looking Back, Looking Ahead, and Finding Your Rhythm in the New Year

The start of a new year always brings a mix of nostalgia and possibility. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection invites you to revisit old memories, reconnect with what matters, and step into the year with intention.

OK, we are halfway into the first month of the new year. How is it going? How are your resolutions holding up?

New beginnings are exciting. Do you remember your first day of “real school”? I remember my mother dressing me up in my Sunday best. Why? I will never know. Given the playground at the local school, I would have thought she would have dug some clothes out of the ragbag. But Sunday best it was. No doubt the teacher was impressed by how cute I looked in my smocked dress and red pigtail braids with fancy bows.

What about your first day on a “real” job? I am not talking about the paper route or the babysitting. I mean a real job where you had to go apply, wait to be called in for an interview, and then wait to see if they would hire you. That job! Remember what you wore?

My first real job was in the “five and dime” store on the main street. I was assigned to the record department. I do not mean the back office. I mean the 45s and albums, with a real record player on the scene. I got to choose what would be playing in that aisle, and that was great fun. I felt very important, and the place was always busy because people loved records.

What I did not realize is that they also loved to shoplift records. Remember, I was a young teen, just legally able to be hired. I was on cloud nine. Many of the customers were not. They managed to slip a 45 into their jacket and walk out the door. Some had large shopping bags to hide the album they longed for. I missed it all.

However, I was very suspicious of one man who seemed to show up in the record department regularly but never bought a thing. In fact, he was there so often that I finally decided to report him. The manager then politely introduced me to the in‑store surveillance guy, who was keeping an eye on shoplifters. That was embarrassing. However, he taught me what to look for in other customers.

Looking back in time is one of the rituals of every new year. We survey the past year, make resolutions for the new year, and reminisce about many past adventures. I hope you take time to do this with friends and family. This is the time to hunt up that high school friend you have lost touch with, but you were such great pals and thought you would be forever. This is the time to pull out the photo albums that have been accumulating dust on the shelves. Those pictures are important and need to be viewed.

This is the time to look ahead and plan that vacation you have been talking about. This is the time to challenge yourself to learn something new or dust off something old you once enjoyed.

A new year is the perfect time to reflect and to dust off something from the past. Enjoy!

Want to explore more about reflection and personal growth? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on the power of reflection and Greater Good’s research on how reflection supports well‑being.

If this new‑year reflection inspires you to reconnect with yourself or set meaningful intentions, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and personal growth.

Celebrating Love, Connection, and the Joy of Being Loved on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day carries history, ritual, and a deep human longing for connection. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the roots of the holiday and the enduring power of love in our lives.

I have fond memories of this day in school. First, you could prepare for the day of exchanging cards weeks in advance, even making your own cards. Second, you could expect your basket or cubby to be filled with cards from everyone else in the class. That was a must. You could not leave anyone out. What a concept. Everyone was treated equally.

This celebration has roots in Roman history and early pagan rituals as well. The pagan fertility festival, offered to thank the gods for the harvest, was transformed by the Romans into a sacrificial ceremony centered on fertility and honoring women for producing more Romans.

The Christian connection is interesting. Emperor Claudius II, from 268 to 270 AD, outlawed marriage. He needed men to build his army and thought that if he banned marriage, the pool of males would be able to meet his needs for soldiers. A priest named Valentine went behind his back and married couples anyway. I am sure that did not end well for the priest, but his name is forever linked to this day when we celebrate the union of male and female.

Love is the source of song and poem.

“Love Is in the Air!” is a song by John Paul Young.
“Love Makes the World Go Round!” is a song by Deon Jackson.

Aristotle wrote, “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
Rumi wrote, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Oscar Wilde observed, “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”

Clearly, love is powerful both as a need and as a product. We are born connected to another human in an act of love and sacrifice. We love others because we cannot help it. Love is fuel for our souls. We are healthier when we are loved. We are happier when we are loved. We are more creative when we are loved.

I think the source of love is less important than the fact of being loved.

On this Valentine’s Day, celebrate the love you receive.
On this Valentine’s Day, be sure to show love to those around you.

If you’re reflecting on love, connection, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and deeper connection.

I AM JUST…

Identity, Health, and the Power of Self-Valuation

How we finish the sentence “I am just…” reveals more than mood—it reflects our values. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how self-perception, physical health, and societal patterns intersect, and why early intervention and self-worth matter.

How did you finish that sentence?
What verb came to mind…tired?…delighted?…done?…content?

I could go on and on. By now, I hope you have completed the sentence for yourself. Take that response and grab a piece of paper or crayon, if you wish. Think about where your mind went to complete that sentence. The choices are broad.

Were you focused on yourself? Perhaps you are coping with some physical concerns, and your mind would naturally go to how you feel about the things happening in your body. Our body is an especially important vessel. So far, this is the only one that we get. Oh, we can replace certain parts, and thanks to research with pigs, the number of those parts might be increasing. But right now, we are supposed to be caring for this vessel. Look around! We are doing a poor job of caring for our bodies. Obesity rates continue to increase year after year. According to data from 2020, the obesity rate in America was over 40%. Take a breath and read that again. Over 40% of the adults in America were rated as obese in 2020. Our bodies, the only ones that we get, are under attack. The attacker? Us!

Here we are, five years later. Do you think the obesity rate is declining or climbing? Yep! Climbing at an ever more rapid rate. What are we doing? Why would we do this to ourselves? What is the cost of this climb? Obesity is a medical condition that draws resources from medicine daily. According to data from 2019, obesity-related medical services cost around $173 billion. Imagine what we might do with those funds if obesity were not an issue. Where would you have your country use that money?

We could turn this around. If we just…
How would you complete that sentence?

We would have to increase our value to educate our population and change our access to different food and drink. Yes, you heard that right. If we valued ourselves, the problem would disappear. How would we initiate this? When? Changing a population is a gargantuan task. Maybe it is possible, and perhaps it is not. But the place to begin is Daycare. Surprised? Maybe. Getting hooked on sugar and sweets starts early. No one wants broccoli as a reward! Diet and exercise are key to staying healthy. Exercise is no problem for a toddler given the freedom to explore. They are motion machines! That is if we remove the screens and let them move. In Daycare and preschool, we tend to provide environments that encourage movement and action while learning. Not long ago, certain forward-thinking companies redesigned their office spaces to offer places for action and exercise and physical games and challenges. Work productivity soared rather than crashed. We are all still toddlers and know that the combination of movement, thought, and creativity is a game-changer.

Want to explore how self-perception and early intervention shape health outcomes? Visit Stanford Social Innovation Review’s guide to inner well-being and social change, Your Dreamy Land’s reflections on self-awareness and societal health, and Aaron Hall’s journey of self-reflection and purpose.

If you’re reflecting on identity, health, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and self-worth.

The Quiet Tension Between Anticipation and Letting Go

Waiting is never just about time. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the emotional weight of waiting, whether for joy, change, or the final chapter of a life well lived.

Waiting. Oh boy. What comes to mind when you read that title?

If you are caring for an elderly parent or friend, you have an immediate reaction to the word “waiting.” You have been waiting in rooms, reading old magazines, or attending doctors’ conferences, taking notes.

Perhaps you are waiting for a call from your daughter and son‑in‑law to welcome a new baby into the world. What a joy!

Perhaps you are waiting for a promotion announcement so you can celebrate with your friends and colleagues.

Perhaps you are waiting to celebrate your 100th birthday. I have a friend making plans for that.

Waiting puts us into a state of alert and anticipation.

I am waiting for a long‑term friend to die. His body has weakened, and he has decided to stop his dialysis treatment, which will surely lead to death. Family and friends are gathering to visit and to tell him how much he has meant to them over the years. For the next few days, his home will fill with visitors, as he has been important to so many.

His kindness to coworkers is legion. Somehow, he could meet people where they were and maintain his composure regardless of the circumstances. That sense of calm and composure was built over years of interaction with others, probably dating back to elementary school. I admire that.

I loved his stories about his father building their family home. The garage was built first, which might sound odd, but was actually brilliant. The family lived in the garage while his father built the house. I can identify with sleeping in the loft as great fun. Clearly, his father’s industry and creativity were a solid foundation for his own sense of responsibility and integrity.

I especially admire his sense of humor. He loves limericks, and whenever I try to write one for his birthday, he says, “Now, wait a minute,” and pulls out his pen to improve the rhyme.

He has a beautiful singing voice, so I imagine that a chorus of angels will welcome him into the tenor section. And he has a great, clever, wry sense of humor. He will fit right in with the choir.

Want to explore more about anticipatory grief, emotional resilience, and the meaning we make during life’s transitions? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on grief and connection and Greater Good’s research on compassion and end‑of‑life meaning.

If this reflection resonates with your own experience of waiting—whether for joy, change, or loss—therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support grounding, clarity, and emotional presence.

WHAT SHOULD WE TEACH IN SCHOOL?

Memory, Meaning, and the Missing Curriculum

School shapes more than intellect—it shapes identity. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how early education leaves lasting impressions, and why life skills, emotional intelligence, and civic engagement deserve a place alongside academics.

Think about your own school experience. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Were you at the head of the class? Last in line? Always headed to the principal’s office? Wearing that cross-body thing on patrol? Chosen first for all the games? Made fun of because you had to carry that big trombone case?

Stirring memories?

We all have them. We have more than a slide carousel bundle of them. For some, these memories start before school, if you were in daycare. Daycare is very much like school. You get dropped off at a building or a different home. A bunch of other small children are there, and you do not know any of them and only see them at this place. The adults vary from sweet to stern. The routine is rigid, and you follow it as precisely as possible. Eat when they say, rest when they say, play when they say. Following the teacher’s routine is not childhood. This is daycare.

From there, you will go to nursery, kindergarten, elementary, and high school. You will have years of experience. For some, the journey through school will be delightful. For others, the journey through school can be frightful. And for all, the journey will shape who we become and how we function in the future. Let’s face it. School is a powerful experience.

School is supposed to prepare us for life. In many ways, it hits this target, and in many ways, it does not. Taking 12 to 16 years (depending on whether you count daycare and preschool) to prepare something is a massive investment in time and energy. By now, you should be reflecting on your own early school experiences. I am grateful that my ancestors gave me an excellent brain that made performing in school easy. I enjoyed learning, memorizing, and reciting. I was a good student and a compliant member of the class. You know the type. I got to clean the erasers and run reports down to the office.

Looking back on that education, I noticed several missing things and wonder if we are doing any better today. I do not spend much time diagramming sentences today, but I would have appreciated knowing how to write a convincing letter to the County to get them to put stop signs in a few places in the neighborhood. I never use trigonometry, but I would have appreciated instruction in opening a bank account, developing a budget, paying bills on time, and figuring out my taxes. Memorizing the state capitals was fun as I was quite good at it, but I would have appreciated knowing more about how our government works and how to get involved.

My public education was quite good. My teachers took their jobs seriously and really cared about turning out young people who could research ideas, communicate well with others, and work in a team. When I look at today’s high school graduates, I wonder what has happened to public education.

Want to explore how life skills and emotional intelligence can transform education? Visit Education Revolution’s guide to life skills in schools, The Grown-Up School’s 12 reasons to teach life skills, and Learning Liftoff’s reflections on life skills and student success.

If you’re reflecting on education, identity, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and lifelong learning.

This Is What Emotionally Disconnected Boys Need Most

Boys are not “too much.” They are too often misunderstood. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how boys experience emotion, why their emotional lives are frequently misread, and how caregivers can support them with clarity and compassion.

Boys are often labeled as too much or difficult when what they are really asking for is emotional understanding.

I recently joined host Lisa Urbanski on the podcast Rewire & Rise: Healing in Real Time for an important conversation about how boys experience emotion, why that emotional range often gets misunderstood, and how parents and caregivers can support boys without shutting them down.

With nearly fifty years of experience as a psychologist working with boys, men, couples, and families, I have seen how early emotional messages shape a boy’s sense of safety, connection, and self‑worth. When boys are told to stop crying or toughen up, they do not lose their feelings. They lose permission to express them.

In this episode, we explore how emotional development in boys is often unintentionally disrupted by cultural expectations, overscheduling, and constant screen exposure—and what healthy emotional support actually looks like.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why telling boys to stop crying teaches them it is not safe to feel
• How boys often show a broader emotional range than we expect, and why that matters
• How overscheduling and screen time reduce social and emotional growth
• What healthy emotional development in boys truly looks like
• How to support men’s emotions without fixing, defending, or shutting them down
• Five practical parenting shifts that help boys connect, communicate, and thrive

This conversation is about seeing boys more clearly and responding to what they actually need—not what we have been taught to expect from them. It is about creating emotional safety early, so boys can grow into men who know how to feel, relate, and connect.

🎧 Listen to the full episode:
Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Stop Shutting Down Their Feelings
Rewire & Rise: Healing in Real Time

Want to explore more about boys’ emotional development and how to nurture emotional safety? Visit Psychology Today’s insights on boys and emotional growth and Greater Good’s research on emotional resilience in children.

If this conversation resonates with your experience raising or caring for boys, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional development, connection, and resilience.

Warmly,
Dr. Gloria K. Vanderhorst
Psychologist

The Season We Love to Hate, and Somehow Still Accept – Winter

Winter tests our patience, our mood, and sometimes our sanity. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the frustrations of the season and the quiet beauty that keeps us from fleeing south permanently.

Whose idea was it to have four seasons?

Could we blame it on Vivaldi? His The Four Seasons could be to blame. What if he had only written three? Would that have eliminated this dastardly time of year? Vivaldi’s work from the mid-1700s is lovely, but really, Winter!

There are so many strikes against this season.

One: The lack of light over time has consequences on one’s mood. Many people suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Some have serious problems with mood and motivation. Some have periodic bouts of depression, sadness, or lack of energy. We are apparently made, like most plants, to be bathed in sunlight for our health. I really understand the “snowbirds” who head south for the winter.

Two: The precipitation can be deadly. I have very vivid memories of traveling through Pennsylvania in a blinding snowstorm. One could not see the car’s hood ornament. The snow was falling rapidly and blindingly. Getting off the Turnpike was the only wise thing to do, but finding that way off was truly a challenge. And then, just like Joseph and Mary, all of the inns were full of other snow-weary travelers. As you may have experienced, sleeping in a car is not really restful.

Three: Even if you are safe at home, that safety may be short-lived. I recall two instances of being “at home” in a heavy storm. One involved refilling the oil tank that powered the house furnace. You guessed it. Delivery was due, but the snow arrived first. The tank ran out, and I will tell you that a fireplace does not do a good job of heating a house.

The second was a monster storm that downed power lines in the neighborhood. The electric company responded promptly, and we were all grateful, except for our small house. Unlike anyone else on the block, the snow had put so much weight on the power line from the pole to the house that it snapped. Guess what? The power people restoring the lines on the street do not service individual houses! You have to get a special team out to rewire from the pole to the house, and that takes days. Again, we were dependent on the fireplace; grateful, but dependent. I now have a deeper appreciation for the homesteader who had only a fireplace. That took real courage.

I know we could move to some place where winter disappears or is less of a problem. Folks in Florida seem very happy with their sunshine year-round. However, there is a season I would truly miss: Fall. The beauty of the leaves is heartwarming, leaving me to accept the season that follows.

If winter has you reflecting on stress, resilience, or emotional well‑being, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, balance, and seasonal resilience.