YOU CAN MAKE FRIENDS WITH A FLY*
Connection, Curiosity, and the Brain’s Quiet Genius
Sometimes, the smallest encounters spark the biggest reflections. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post explores how fleeting moments—like sharing a windshield with a fly—can reveal our deep desire for connection, our emotional instincts, and the quiet brilliance of our problem-solving minds.
A lovely friend of mine tells me that this was her mother’s description of her as a child. When I heard it, I laughed. I could not help myself. Then, as life often does, a fly came into my life. Traveling from Chevy Chase, MD to Tysons, VA, which is about a 35-minute drive, a fly was on the windshield in the driver’s direct view when we pulled out of the driveway. That fly was still there when we pulled into the parking garage. And yes, he was alive and proceeded to fly away. Did we make friends? Did he like me?
I know you have had this experience where you meet someone for the first time. You have a brief chat and feel some sense of connection. As the conversation ends, you think: “That was lovely. I would like to get to know that person.” Something inside of us gives us a nudge to gravitate to one person or another.
When I work with couples, I see that the nudge is often to be attracted to someone with the character qualities that you experienced in one parent or the other. We are driven to replay the family drama and make it turn out better. For some couples, this is productive and healing. For others, it is a disaster leading to pain and separation or a life of constant stress and misery.
The sense that a new person would make a good friend is in a completely different category. Some part of us just resonates or even vibrates with the sense that “they would be interesting to know or great fun or really important in my life.” Our brains are marvelous organs. They are constantly problem-solving and seeking connection and resolution. Even when we are sleeping, our brains are problem-solving. They seem to be redecorating the room all the time. They move bits and pieces around to see how they fit together until they find the better sequence or the greater idea.
Often, I have awoken with a new idea or with the solution to a problem that seemed unsolvable the day before. I am so glad that my brain works on my behalf. Even though I could make friends with a fly, I would much prefer making friends with my brain.
*Thank you to Renee’s mom for this quote.
If you’re exploring emotional connection or want to better understand your relational instincts, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational growth. For reflections on friendship and emotional resonance, visit Psychology Today’s guide to “good enough” friendships, Verywell Mind’s conversation starters for new friendships, and Scientific Origin’s tips for building meaningful connections.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst
