Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

LET THEM EAT CAKE

Distance, Difference, and the Choice to Reconnect

Some phrases endure because they reveal something uncomfortable. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how “Let Them Eat Cake” symbolizes emotional distancing, and how empathy begins with recognizing our recoil.

This phrase is attributed to Marie Antoinette when referring to the starvation and rebellion of the peasants. Historians dispute that she ever said such a thing, but the association sticks and we continue to use the phrase today when we are disgusted with others. In truth, the quote likely originated from Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions, written in 1765, where he attributes it to “a great princess”—long before Marie Antoinette arrived in France.

The idea is rather poignant. Those who are lower than we are in the social system have a need that we could fulfill. We decide not to fulfill this need. The result is an insult regarding their basic needs. Let’s examine this dynamic.

First, we are obviously referring to a group different from our own in some way. This could be a sexual difference, economic difference, intellectual difference or any other difference that sets us apart. The list of possible differences could get quite long. The point is that we identify a group or person different from ourselves and we place them in a lower status. Pause for a moment and reflect on past experiences where you have created this difference.

This is an interesting tendency. We are each human: homo sapiens. Yet, each of us is different in some way. Even identical twins have nuances that enable their parents to tell them apart. So, given these differences and the stability of them throughout life, how can we choose to shame another because of a difference? We do it. We do it because it helps us in some way.

When we distance ourselves from others, we elevate ourselves to create safety. The circumstances of the other are causing us distress in some way. Somewhere in our brains we realize that we are at risk for being in the place of the other. To save ourselves from the fear of that thought, we create a distance. All of this is natural and automatic.

That fact should lead us to understand that the reaction is in some way protective or has a survival function. We separate ourselves and create boundaries for protection. That protection can be physical, emotional, social, psychological or for some other need. The act of separation is a natural function. Often it is automatic as well. The behavior is initiated before we even realize it. The question that we must ask ourselves is what do we do when we recognize it? The recognition will come. What do we do next? Do we exercise our ability to examine and choose the next step? If we all stayed in the recoil mode, then charity would not exist. Charity, kindness, empathy all grow out of recognition after the recoil.

Want to explore how empathy and power dynamics shape social connection? Visit The Socratic Method’s philosophical breakdown of the quote, Britannica’s historical analysis of the attribution, and World in Paris’ cultural context of the phrase.

If you’re reflecting on empathy, social boundaries, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational healing.