Written by Online therapist Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

“DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD”

Moral Imperatives, Parental Power, and the Courage to Question

Not all lessons are loving. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how moral imperatives passed down through generations can mask harm, and how questioning inherited beliefs is a vital step toward emotional clarity and healing.

Did someone ever tell you that they were “doing this for your own good”? The implication here is that pain will soon be inflicted and that for some higher reason, you should welcome the pain because it will bring a positive lesson into your life. I work with adults who have been victimized by this philosophy. The parent who says, “This is going to hurt me more than you,” and then proceeds to whale on a child with a stick or strap is justifying their abuse and not educating the child. And, trust me, it does not hurt the parent worse than the child. Parental abuse leaves scars that are mental and not just physical. However, this form of child training used to be quite common and was accepted all over the globe. I am sure that it remains the standard in many places. The most insidious form of this comes when the parent or authority honestly believes that they have a moral imperative to victimize a child.

C.S. Lewis put it this way:
“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.”

As parents, we train our children in moral imperatives that fit our belief systems. As these imperatives are passed from one generation to the other, the new recipients rarely question them. Why? What happens to us that we accept the imperatives of our parents and never stop as we get older to ask: “Why?” or “How does that work?” or “Why would that make sense or be good practice?”

Take out a piece of paper and list the moral imperatives you were taught. Ask yourself how many of these have you passed on to your children. Do they really make sense? What would happen if you questioned them?

Want to explore how moral development and parenting intersect? Visit MGH Clay Center’s guide to raising moral children, Reality Pathing’s overview of ethical parenting practices, and Psychology Today’s article on moral development in parenting.

If you’re ready to examine inherited beliefs and reshape your parenting legacy, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and generational healing.