MY TEEN NEEDS COUNSELING
Respecting Resistance, Reframing Support, and Rebuilding Connection
When a teen refuses therapy, it’s not the end of the road—it’s an invitation to shift the approach. For families in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how parental involvement, emotional respect, and therapeutic modeling can open the door to healing, even when teens say “no.”
I have received calls from parents with that message on several different occasions. The next sentence is: “My teen is refusing to speak to someone. What do I do?”
Let us look at the situation. Mom and/or Dad have identified a problem and generated a solution. This sounds perfectly normal and rational. If your teen has a fever, you call the doctor and report the symptom to get help. If your teen breaks a bone, you call the ambulance and take a ride to the hospital. Your teen is isolating, acting out, constantly nervous, sad, you call a therapist and say that your teen needs therapy. You are, of course, correct; however, your teen is refusing to go to therapy. Unless your teen is suicidal, there is no ambulance for emotional symptoms that interfere with successful functioning.
Most parents in this situation try to “force feed” therapy or bribe their teen into therapy. I get the emotional intensity that the parent feels. They are afraid, and they have good reason to be afraid. In 2022, 14 out of every 100,000 teens committed suicide. While that statistic may be considered small as a number: .01 percent. I would say that no percentage of teen suicides is acceptable. Teens are just beginning to explore their personalities and how they fit in the world. We want all of them to complete the experiment and find their place.
At the same time, we want to respect where they are emotionally. If we teach them to “just say no” to drugs, alcohol, and unprotected sex, shouldn’t we be able to respect their “no thank you” to therapy? Now, yes, I am a therapist. I know that therapy is effective and that in some cases it is critical and necessary, and in those cases the person should be hospitalized to receive proper treatment.
I also know that respecting the adolescent’s “no” is important. So, what am I advising?
When your adolescent needs treatment and is refusing to go that is the time for the parents, both parents, to put themselves in therapy with a competent and well-trained therapist who has a strong history of helping adolescents. That therapist will be able to guide the parents in modifying their parenting and examining what they are doing that contributes to the emotional distress of their teen. As the parents change, I have seen the teens open-up to the idea of using therapy for themselves.
Want to learn more about how parental involvement can support teen therapy? Explore Katy Counseling’s guide to the role of parents in teen counseling, Collier Psychological Services’ strategies for effective support, and Eddins Counseling Group’s guide to teen therapy.
If you’re navigating resistance or want to model emotional growth for your teen, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support family healing and adolescent development.
By Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst