Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

TRANSITIONS

How Life Changes Shape Our Stories and Strengthen Our Resilience

Transitions are inevitable, and often transformative. For individuals in Maryland and DC, navigating change with reflection and support can turn disruption into growth. This post explores personal stories of transition, from moving homes to discovering hidden truths, and invites you to consider how change is shaping your own life.

Three of my friends are amid major transitions. For varied reasons, they are picking up stakes and moving. One couple has decided that with their only son going off to college they want a fresh start and are selling their home and renting for a year to have time to figure out where they want to land. Yikes! I cannot imagine what I would do with all my junk and stuff for a temporary move. Another single friend is packing up decades of memories and moving into a retirement community. Her biggest change is sending numerous items of clothing to a consignment shop. Lucky girl has worn the same size for decades but will no longer have the need for the fancy ball gowns or smart suits.

Each of us has experienced multiple transitions in our lives, no matter how old we are. Remember your first day of school. For one guy I know that was a real shocker. The neighborhood school was walkable from his house. So, his mother walked him to school for the first day. When the teacher asked her what her son’s name was, she gave a name he had never heard! For his whole life leading up to that first-grade experience, he had gone by a family nickname and had no idea of his given name. Can you imagine that shock? Not only is mother taking me to this strange building, but she is also leaving me with a completely “false name”.

What is your “shocker” transition? There is a drama series on Peacock called “Yellowstone” about a ranching family trying to survive in the modern world. One of their strategies is to send a son into politics so that they can control decisions about the land. To run for office, he must present his birth certificate. As he waits in the records office for what seems like an exceptionally long time, the clerk finally produces his details with the shocker that he has been adopted. Imagine being a grown man and your parents never telling you that you were adopted, then finding that out from a total stranger.

Change is happening around us all the time. In fact, change within our own bodies is quite remarkable. The cells in our bodies are being replaced constantly and at a rapid speed. According to Scientific American: “About 330 billion cells are replaced daily, equivalent to about 1 percent of all our cells. In 80 to 100 days, thirty trillion will have replenished—the equivalent of a new you”.

Change is more common than we realize. Knowing that change is the norm could help all of us have a different approach. Or do we want stability because change is so common?

What is your current challenge?

If you’re navigating a transition—big or small—therapy can help you process, adapt, and grow. Explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support resilience through change. For practical strategies, see 8 Ways to Cope with Life Transitions.

IMAGINE!

How Vintage Ads and Family Memories Stitch Together a Story of Resilience and Resourcefulness

Imagination has always played a role in how we market, remember, and make sense of our lives. For families in Maryland and DC, this reflection on sewing, resourcefulness, and vintage advertising invites us to consider how creativity and practicality have long gone hand in hand. Therapy can help us explore these stories and the values they carry forward.

My friend Edda posted this on Facebook and it gave me a chuckle. In 1949, my mother had 4 children and sewed all of our clothes as store-bought things were too expensive. Quite often the sewing was adjusting the things my sister had grown out of so they would fit me. Those, of course, bypassed my brother but his suits were made from worn-out suits that grandpa could no longer wear or fit into, more likely. She also sewed dresses, skirts, and blouses for herself. We have some great pictures of Easter outfits that match. She also worked full-time. I seriously doubt if she put on make-up and a fancy dress to do her stitching! But you have to give Singer credit for imagination!

If you’re reflecting on family stories or exploring how past roles shape your present, therapy can offer insight and support. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that help you stitch together meaning from memory.

Balance

Spinning Plates and Staying Grounded in Uncertain Times

Balance isn’t always about stillness, it’s often about motion. For individuals in Maryland and DC, the metaphor of spinning plates reminds us that life requires constant adjustment, resilience, and reflection. This post explores how we respond to crisis, what keeps us going, and how we find meaning in the chaos.

Do you remember seeing this act at the circus or on television where this guy has these tall sticks, and he puts a plate on the top of the stick and starts it spinning and then moves to the next stick and does the same thing. As a kid, I thought that was really wild and wanted to magically do the same thing. Of course, there is a YouTube clip of a guy on the Ed Sullivan show in 1958 doing just that. Eric Brenn got a minute and a half of national fame spinning plates on a stick. As a preteen watching that, I thought it was marvelous. My mother thought that her dishes would soon be at risk.

What has you spinning?

Some of us are spinning because of COVID. This disease seems to have taken up permanent residence. When we think we have one variant under control another one pops up to menace us again. Friends have lost their parents or children way before their time. School children have gotten sick and brought the classroom to a halt. Teens have been isolated and are shutting down emotionally as they have had no access to peers. Their ability to do the normal experimenting with various parts of their personality has been lobbed off by this disease as though a vital part of themselves is missing. As a result, we have a mental health crisis on our hands that will not be easily resolved.

While we are reacting to this, let us remember that this type of trauma is not unique or new. This country has been through emotional crises like this from its inception. This country was birthed in a Revolution and the Ken Burns’s recent special on Benjamin Franklin shows how difficult that birth was. We have suffered famine during the Dust Bowl and Great Depression. We have endured internal war as the North and South sought to destroy each other. We have been wrenched apart in hundreds of unusual ways. This is not the first and this will not be the last.

What keeps you going?

We are still here plugging away, holding our own, building new things, and looking to the future. Humans are resilient. We regroup, refocus, reorganize, and recover. We find our own reasons for moving forward and trying again. June is named for the Roman goddess, Juno, a symbol of youth and protection. We are halfway through the year. You are halfway. Where are you going? What are your goals? How will you honor the thrill of spinning plates on a stick?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or seeking clarity, therapy can help you find your center. Explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support resilience and balance.

How a Tart Plant, and a Tender Metaphor about Emotional Growth, Can Teach Us About Connection

Rhubarb may be a childhood memory, a seasonal treat, or a metaphor for emotional growth. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection invites us to consider how we present ourselves, how we respond to others, and how we transform sourness into sweetness. Therapy can help us explore these layers with care and intention.

How many of you like rhubarb? How many of you know what rhubarb is? Ahhh, exactly what I thought. For me, rhubarb is a throwback to childhood. My daughter recently took me there by asking for a rhubarb pie for her birthday. Totally out of season! But being resourceful, I found a bakery online that not only made rhubarb pie but would ship it all over the country. What a world we live in! I can get rhubarb pie from miles away and out of season.

My mother would flip! Her rhubarb plant was in the corner of the backyard in a shady spot where the big broad leaves could spread out and show their pink stalks in the breeze. Racing across the lawn to pick these fat stalks was always fun. There is a special technique for picking rhubarb, and one must be careful not to eat the leaves as they have a reputation for being poisonous. Of course, they are not exactly poisonous, but they will give you a belly ache or diarrhea, so they might as well be poisonous.

Only the stalks are edible, providing you cook them with a lot of sugar, as these guys are really sour. And when you go to pick them, leave your garden shears behind. These guys are persnickety. They need to be twisted off at the base of the stalk. If they are twisted, they will grow a new stalk. If they are cut, they will not!

Perhaps rhubarb is a metaphor for life. We can all be toxic depending on how we are approached and how much work we have done to understand ourselves. When was the last time that you hurt someone? We all have preferences about how we like to be treated and none of us really prefer to be cut down. Who have you insulted recently? Often, our “broadleaf” presentation may be protecting more tender parts that need to be approached with care and respect. When have you been afraid to be yourself? In addition, you can take us and make something great to be shared with others. We can even be shipped across the country to delight others. Who has been thrilled to see you lately?

We can all take our sour parts and stir in some sweetness to cut the sour and make our approaches to others more engaging, respectful, and more likely to meet our needs.

If you’re ready to explore the metaphors and memories that shape your relationships, consider individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and growth. For a deeper look at rhubarb’s symbolism, visit Symbolism and Benefits of the Rhubarb.

Challenging Childhood Beliefs and Finding Meaning in Everyday Habits

We’ve all heard the phrase “April showers bring May flowers,” but have you ever stopped to ask where it came from—or what it really means? For individuals in Maryland and DC, this post invites reflection on the origins of familiar sayings and the unconscious routines we carry from childhood into adulthood. Through humor and insight, it explores how therapy can help us examine inherited beliefs and choose what still fits.

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS!

Do you remember hearing this when you were a kid?

But do you have any idea of its origin? A bit of Googling will soon uncover the variety of sources that rival the flora themselves. One origin comes from 1157 as a short “poem” by Thomas Tusser reading: “Sweet April Showers Do Spring May Flowers”. A rival notion is that at the end of the fourteenth century the poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned a version that translates as: “When in April the sweet showers fall, that pierce March’s drought to the root and all, and bathed every vein in liquor that has power to generate therein and sire the flower”.

Things that we hear as children really need to be challenged. In therapy, I like to use the example of the young woman preparing to bake a ham. She cuts the ends off the ham before putting it in the oven and her friends ask why she does that. She replies that her mother always did it that way. They go ask the mother who replies that her mother did it that way. Off they go to ask grandmother who replies: “I only had one pan and the ham would not fit unless I cut off the ends”.

How are you cutting off the ends of your ham? We all do some things as we were taught to do them, acting without reflection. Take a moment to find your “ham” stories. One of mine caused tension in the initial stages of my marriage. We ate dinner together and as soon as he swallowed the last bite, I cleared the table to start washing the dishes. My husband complained that he wanted to sit and talk. I replied that we could talk after I finished washing the dishes. Where did this come from?

My mother was whisking plates off the table as you finished your last bite and sometimes even before. I am sure she had her reasons buried in the need to complete a farm chore before dark. But I did not live on a farm. However, the angst of letting those dishes sit was painful. My husband had to make the point by letting them sit overnight! In the end, the lesson was worth the pain. Prioritizing the relationship over the dishes was the right thing to do.

What are your “ham” stories? How have they gotten in the way with your friends and family? If you are struggling to find your stories, ask your family. They know them. Take time to examine your “ham” stories. These routines provide a form of comfort and stability. No matter how whacky they are, our parents and other adults imbed them in us at early ages. Prior to adolescence we think concretely and see the world in those dichotomies of right and wrong, good and bad, etc. While that may be a helpful structure for us at incredibly young ages, the world is more complex. Adjusting our belief systems to the more complex and complicated adult world is a challenge. The only path for meeting that challenge is to confront the source. How did you learn this? From whom did you learn it? Does it really fit the time?

We are all reluctant to challenge these beliefs and systems from our formative years. But wouldn’t you really like to have the whole ham?

Enjoy my blog each month. Go to www.drvanderhorst.com and sign up at the bottom of page 1.

ARE YOU A FEMINIST?

Reflecting on Identity, Purpose, and the Power of Women’s Voices

Feminism means different things to different people, but at its core, it’s about equality, dignity, and purpose. For individuals in Maryland and DC, exploring what feminism means personally and historically can be a powerful step toward self-awareness and social connection. This post reflects on one woman’s journey from confusion to clarity, and the enduring impact of feminist voices like Robin Morgan.

When I was a little girl, my sister remarked that I was going to grow up to be a feminist. At the time, I had no idea what that word meant. I felt like the little girl coming back into the second-grade class after being out for weeks with appendicitis and surgery to find this new word on the blackboard: EUROPE. My second-grade brain immediately decide that it was pronounced: EEEE U ROPE. As I proceeded to show off my expertise, the class bubbled with laughter. My sister’s prediction about feminism was equally foreign to me.

My formative years covered the Vietnam Era when flags were burning, and bras were burning in the same flames. In 1968, the year I started my Ph.D. work, the Miss America pageant was disrupted by a group of feminists protesting the sexualization of women. Led by Robin Morgan, these women came together to protest the sexist programming that had influenced them growing up. The pageant symbolized sexism and racism as there had never been a Black contestant and women were chosen for their looks and hourglass shape, ignoring their intellect and emotional strength.

Robin Morgan has been active in the Women’s Movement ever since that Miss America protest and is a published author, still working and advocating for women’s issues. She is a FEMINIST! You might want to check out her podcast: Women’s Media Center Live with Robin Morgan.

How many of us have had a passion like Robin? How often do we find someone who has pursued that passion for decades from protest, to publishing to presenting? We all need a purpose. We all need that thing that brings us to alert in the morning, sometimes keeps us up late into the night, and gives our lives meaning. This does not have to be a national movement. It can be as simple as caring for those around us or being enthusiastic about our garden. It can be as complex as wrestling with the meaning of feminism and how to relate to that. The need is there in all of us. What is yours?

I hope you will share this post with friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors to invite them to sign up for their own copy at www.drvanderhorst.com.

If you’re exploring your identity, values, or purpose, therapy can offer a space for reflection and growth. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support self-discovery and empowerment.

“YOU CAN MEET SOMEONE ONLY AS DEEPLY AS THEY CAN MEET THEMSELVES.”

Exploring Self-Awareness, Connection, and Emotional Depth in Therapy

What does it mean to truly connect with someone? For individuals in Maryland and DC seeking deeper relationships, this quote, popularized by Matt Kahn and echoed in therapeutic circles, offers a powerful insight: our capacity to connect with others is limited by how well we know ourselves. This post reflects on how self-awareness, healing, and emotional integration shape our ability to love and be loved.

I love it when clients teach me new things or say something in a way that strikes me so profoundly that I want to share it. This is one of those phrases.

We are born connected to another human, and we spend our lives making connections with others. Often, we are searching for that best friend with whom we can relax and be soooo comfortable that we lose track of time and ourselves. We settle into a rhythm that may remind us of the steady heartbeat that we experienced in the womb: dependable, subtle, comfortable. We long for that space where it just feels right, and we know that we belong.

We long to know the other and to be known. Somehow it just fits to have that best friend, that one person who will be there for us no matter what. They get our jokes and laugh with us. They listen to our complaints and validate us. They hear our longings and encourage us. They know our weaknesses and keep us honest. They see us flagging and push us forward.

Meeting that friend requires meeting myself. I must look into my early experiences and see the child in me and know her history and her needs. Clearly, there are times that she rushes to the forefront and takes over in the moment because of some early experience that has injured her or frightened her. When that happens, do I recognize her, or do I let her take over? Can I meet her and understand what has sent her rushing into the present? Will I acknowledge her need or her pain? Or will I just let her take over and drag me back into childhood behaviors and feelings?

To know myself is to know all of the parts of my history and how those parts seek expression in the present. To know myself is to question and evaluate whether I need to react from that younger self. Each of us has many parts.

From time to time, one of those parts can take over the whole. I want to increase my awareness in order to meet those parts and consider what they need in the moment and how I want to relate to those earlier parts. I want to meet myself and work through those earlier dynamics. I want to keep the pieces that help me in the present and release those that cause me and others harm.

Self-awareness is the foundation of meaningful connection. If you’re ready to deepen your understanding of yourself and your relationships, explore individual therapy in Maryland and DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches that support emotional integration. For a deeper dive into this concept, see this reflection on self-awareness and connection.

EVER BEEN EMBARRASSED? How Shame, Laughter, and Grace Shape Our Humanity

Embarrassment is universal, and often unavoidable. But how we respond to it can shape our relationships, our self-worth, and our emotional resilience. For individuals and families in Maryland and DC, understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame is key to healing and connection. This post explores how laughter, grace, and vulnerability can help us grow through our most human moments.

In the last post, I was embarrassed to discover that I had typed “waist” instead of “waste”. Two very different ideas. One, of course, being around your middle and one being unwanted material. So, of course, I am embarrassed by my error but hope that you offered me grace or got a laugh. Those seem to be the major choices.

The laugh is good for us both physically and mentally. Laughter releases chemicals in the brain that bathe our cells with endorphins providing pain relief and promoting a general sense of well-being. Laughter can change our mood in an instant and relieve tension in our body. During the pandemic, I have intentionally sought out some old television programs that were designed to make us laugh. I realized that the heaviness of the day was taking a toll on my mood and my body. Laughter was the best medicine. Dig into your own memories from childhood and find those old programs that brought up belly laughs and try it out for yourself. I have been binging on “Frazier” and “Cheers”. In years past, I have used Jay Leno’s little books of Headlines which can get me rolling in the aisles.

Laughter also occurs when we are embarrassed but, in this instance, we are not laughing. When we have done something inappropriate or foolish, we can give others a good laugh. Consequently, we can feel shame. Shame is a natural reaction to doing something wrong or inappropriate. You might think of it as the boundary line that keeps us safely connected to those around us. When we cross into shame, we are disconnected from others. While feeling shame is painful, the pain is a necessary part of learning how to stay connected and in a healthy relationship with others. However, this sense can be corrupted into toxic shame. Toxic shame causes us to believe that we are worthless and do not deserve to be connected to others. This is shame gone rogue. We are meant to be connected to others. Feelings that lead us to believe that we are not valuable and do not deserve connection undermine the very essence of our humanity.

When we experience shame, we are in need of grace from those around us. Grace is the offer of repair and return to relationship. Grace embraces us and assures us that we belong and that we are valued. The offer of grace is an active event that brings us back into relationship. Sometimes this is as subtle as a touch on the shoulder or as bold as a hug. Sometimes it is the message of assurance and validation that you are wanted and belong. Grace is active, also bathing our brain in those valuable endorphins.

If you’re navigating shame or seeking to reconnect with others after emotional disconnection, therapy can help. Explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that support healing through grace, humor, and human connection. For additional insight, see 7 Steps to Get Over Your Embarrassment from Happier Human.

LOVE: A Radical Force for Growth How Passion, Purpose, and Connection Shape Our Work and Relationships

What if love wasn’t just a feeling, but a strategy? For individuals and professionals in Maryland and DC, love, when applied with intention, can transform how we lead, relate, and grow. This post explores the work of leadership expert Steve Farber and reflects on how love fuels resilience, connection, and purpose in therapy and life.

LOVE

Steve Farber is a motivational speaker and successful entrepreneur who speaks to big business and small about the power and importance of LOVE. That may sound strange. Does love really belong in the work force? Many recent scandals would tell you that maybe he is on the wrong track. But, he has clearly found the one element that can improve productivity, decrease waist, guarantee quality, and provide meaningful growth for any endeavor. Loving what you do and why you do it is key to success and satisfaction. Check out his daily messages here:

Extreme Leadership Underground Daily Audio Message

What would happen if you applied this principle to your life? Do you love what you do? Did you used to love what you do?

I love the work that I do! From the very beginning of my practice, I have loved working one on one with children, teens and adults. The human spirit is fascinating and the most resilient entity. We are designed to take some hard knocks and get up again. We can choose to use those sometimes-gruesome experiences for growth rather than retain them for harm. Lest you doubt this, I can assure you that even the most physically and emotionally abused can use the remnants of their experiences for growth.

We are born connected to another human being. We seek connection for the rest of our lives. As we connect with others, we tap into different parts of ourselves. This is most evident in adolescence. Teens run a variety of experiments using various parts of themselves. They “try on” different personality traits and different ways of interacting with others. This experimentation is meant to happen in the safety of relationship with their parents. Mom and Dad are to have some flexible boundaries that can tolerate experimentation and provide guidance as well. You might think of adolescence as a child moving into a Bouncy House where the walls and floors are flexible and they can perform various tricks and maneuvers without serious harm as they develop skills for balance, exploration, enthusiasm and purpose in their lives.

Loving your teen requires courage. You have to be willing to stand outside of the Bouncy House and observe carefully while not overreaching with advise and direction.

Whether you’re leading a team or raising a teen, love is a powerful force for transformation. If you’re seeking support in reconnecting with your purpose or navigating relationships with compassion, explore therapy for adults and families in DC or learn more about therapeutic approaches in Maryland and DC that help you lead with heart.

Marriage in the Age of COVID-19 How Couples in Maryland and DC Can Reconnect Under Pressure

The COVID-19 pandemic has tested marriages in ways few could have imagined. For couples in Maryland and DC, the stress of confinement, remote work, and uncertainty has created both strain and opportunity. This post explores how the chemistry of connection, memory, and physical touch can help couples rediscover intimacy, even in crisis.

The demands of COVID19 are unique and completely unheard of in our lifetime. Quarantine? Masks? 6 feet apart? Temperature taking before you can enter a school? Dining outside only? And that is just a small part of the list of life changes foisted on us by this virus. We are captives in our own homes. What does it mean to be sent home from work and placed on a screen for hours on end? How can you possibly be attracted to your spouse when they are in your face 24/7? One person said: “I had no idea that if given the opportunity, my spouse could go for days without showering! Thank you COVID19 for giving me the opportunity to study this person in depth.”

Marriages have a story and a history. My father loved telling the story of how he met my mother. His sister was in nursing school and he was a truck driver. On one occasion, when he was home and not on the road, she invited him to a party in a friend’s basement. He was hanging out with a group in the basement when his sister came down the steps with her friend, a slim brunette with a charming smile. He turned to his buddy and said, I am going to marry her. At the time she was a young nursing student just like his sister and engaged to a charming doctor on the staff of the hospital where she was training. He was not deterred by the little ring on her finger. He pursued her with gusto and won her heart.

When hard times came as they always do to relationships, he would page back to that moment in the basement and remember that he set his cap for her and won. Whatever was happening in the moment could always be managed.

Having that initial bond with your partner is a powerful resource in times of stress and struggle. Replaying that attraction brings each of you into focus as your brain is bathed in the love hormone of oxytocin. Romantic love exists across cultures and is driven by this chemical in the brain. We have gone so far as to watch these chemical reactions through fMRI studies of the brain. As we watch the chemical changes when people in love view pictures of their loved one, we see the chemical shift. The parts of the brain associated with reward and pleasure light up when viewing the one they love. Reaching to that person and touching them makes those pleasure hormones spike even more.

Our skin is the largest organ in the human body and touch can ignite those feelings of longing and attraction. This is true for the newly in love and for those who have been together for years. A light touch of the shoulder as you pass or an extended embrace when you meet will cause a chemical reaction that bathes the brain in dopamine. The brains reward system can be triggered by touch leading to more intimate connections and sexual pleasure regardless of how long you have been together.

Forced to work from home and monitoring your children’s on-line schooling while not being able to socialize with your peers is a true strain on the psyche. A pandemic is a crisis of unbelievable proportions. We have never faced anything like this. Yet, our bodies are prepared and ready to help us. We were built for this. Our brains have chemicals that are readily available to help us “feel good” despite the circumstances. Releasing these chemicals through touch, memory and story can light a passion that will sustain us through all of the stressors.

If your relationship has been strained by the pandemic, you’re not alone. Couples across Maryland and DC are navigating new emotional terrain. To reconnect, consider exploring relationship therapy or starting therapy online. You can also learn more about therapeutic approaches that support couples in rebuilding intimacy and resilience.