Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

GRIEF AND HOPE

Loss, Flight, and the Courage to Rise Again

Grief grounds us. Hope lifts us. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how tragedy and resilience coexist, and how aviation safety and emotional recovery are intertwined in the wake of loss.

How do these two experiences go together?

I live outside of Washington, D.C., and I have flown in and out of the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport numerous times. The parking is horrible, but I never once worried about the flight, departure, or landing. In fact, I absolutely love watching the approach over the water out of the little window on the plane. The feeling of being a bird coming home is palpable.

I would like to know if I can do it again.

The recent crash of a plane and a helicopter. The loss of life. The long, lonely job of recovery.

I would like to know if I can board another flight and risk rising over that water again.

Todd Inman, the NTSB representative, has done an exceptional job on television of keeping the public informed and updated. I am impressed with his poise and compassion. Yes, he has given us the facts as they are known, but more importantly, to me, he has been caring and sensitive in his treatment of the victims and of their loved ones. He speaks with respect and compassion. His caring is evident in his words, his tone, and his posture. This man relates to the loss and takes his responsibility seriously.

At one point, early on, he briefly referenced the numerous recommendations that the NTSB has passed up the chain to be considered and implemented. His posture and facial expression communicated frustration with our government as he said this. He never spoke of this frustration, but his non-verbal’s were clear. The organization entrusted to research and make recommendations to increase safety and protect us has done its job and passed its recommendations along to the next level. Is the next level doing its job to take these recommendations seriously and make changes to provide the public with greater safety?

I wonder. I hope this loss will be the catalyst the NTSB needs.

Want to explore how aviation safety and emotional resilience intersect? Visit the Flight Safety Foundation’s Building Personal Resilience Program for aviation professionals, CommPRO’s interview with Rossana D’Antonio on grief and airline safety reform, and First Aviation Academy’s guide to pilot mental health.

If you’re navigating grief, fear, or emotional recovery, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional resilience and trauma healing.

THE PLACES YOU’LL GO

Daydreams, Detours, and the Journey That Shapes Us

Adventure isn’t just a destination—it’s a mindset. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how childhood dreams evolve, how unexpected detours shape our path, and how slow, steady growth leads us to the places we’re meant to go.

Do you remember daydreaming? Sitting in the cool shade or whizzing round the block on your bicycle? Dreaming of catapulting off to the places you had seen on TV or read about in books. The call of adventure was real, present, and just slightly beyond your reach. Yet, you knew that someday, somehow that expectation would become real.

As you sit at the kitchen table sipping your coffee, where are those places? What did you dream of experiencing and doing?

I remember talking with middle school friends about what we would do when we “grew up” and could be on our own. I wanted to go to France, see Paris, and walk down the street with a parasol in my hand. I imagined twirling it around as it bathed me in light shade and protected me from the heat of the day. My best friend wanted to do a solo sail to the Caribbean. Now, I must remind you that I grew up in the Midwest and water came out of the tap, and sailing was nowhere in sight. Still, you could have this dream. If she had imagined skiing or climbing a snow-covered mountain that would have been more appropriate as the Midwest gets its fair share of snow in the winter. But no, landlocked as we were, she wanted to sail.

Where did you want to go when you were younger? Put yourself on that bicycle with the wind flowing through your hair and billowing your shirt. As you cycled around the neighborhood, where did you imagine going? Now that you clearly have that in mind, did you ever make it there? If not, what got in the way?

Often, we have plans and things get in the way. I wanted to go to Florida a few weeks ago, and Milton got in the way. What kind of name is that anyway? I remember Milton Berle, a very funny comedian who started in showbiz as a child in silent films. Imagine that! I certainly cannot imagine a child being “silent.” Then we could look up Milton Friedman, a famous economist (yes, they exist), who received the 1976 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences. Now what does someone have to do to get such an award? Make a deep dive into the economy! This Milton advocated for a slow, steady stream of money flowing into the economy instead of rapid unexpected changes.

I like his idea of slow and steady. Isn’t that how most of us grow? Year after year, making adjustments and changes that move us forward and give us new views of the world. Where are your changes taking you?

Want to explore how daydreams and detours shape personal growth? Visit Hooked to Books’ inspiring quotes from Oh, The Places You’ll Go!, Poem Analysis’ breakdown of Dr. Seuss’s journey poem, and Tag Vault’s reflections on optimism and resilience.

If you’re reflecting on dreams, detours, or personal transformation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and life-stage growth.

SIBLINGS

Family, Identity, and the Emotional Blueprint We Inherit

Siblings aren’t just companions—they’re co-authors of our emotional story. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how sibling dynamics shape identity, resilience, and the lifelong patterns we carry from our first community.

A man and woman fall in love. Sometimes the experience is a magical sense of love at first sight. Something in the brain of each person recognizes the other in a way that makes an immediate connection. Sometimes the experience is a building of friendship over time that bursts into a deep loving connection. Sometimes the connection is arranged and over time you learn to love and appreciate the other in deep ways.

This couple will inevitably decide to have a child. Some couples will stop there and enjoy an only child. Statistics say that 20% of the population are only children. That means the rest of us grow up in a gaggle of other beings. Eighty percent of us have siblings.

The Brady Bunch image from the late sixties and early seventies shows a blended family with a combined 6 children, three girls from the mother and three boys from the father. Their process of blending together covers awkwardness, rivalries, coalescing and adventure. They present the “ideal” showing that even strangers can come together and form bonds that lead to support, comradery, pleasure, and sustainability.

In my work with families, I have rarely, if ever, found this scenario in real families. Often the oldest sibling is not thrilled with the ones that follow. Many times, the family favors one child over the others. Sometimes a child has special needs that limit the resources available to others. When the oldest is jealous, depending on the number that follows, the oldest may become a substitute parent in large families or a distant member in smaller families. Our siblings can be difficult. Jealousies can be present. Hierarchies are established. Alienation and enmeshment can be present. Unlike friendships, we do not get to choose our siblings. When a parent favors one child over the others, the emotional cost is high for both the favored and the unfavored. Parents rarely recognize the price that all the children pay for this special treatment. Something in the history of the parent draws them to favor one child over the other. When the family has a special needs child, all members are impacted. Priorities must be honored leading to limited attention and concern for the other children.

We are made to be in community. Our family of origin is our first community. In this system we learn about our value, our place, our expectations and our possibilities. Take a moment and place those four words at the top of a page, heading a column. Value, Place, Expectations, Possibilities. Be honest with yourself and list what you learned in each category from your family of origin. Now draw a big thick line across the page beneath your writing. Look at those words again and write who you are today.

Want to explore how sibling dynamics shape identity and emotional development? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to sibling identity formation, BetterHelp’s overview of sibling relationships and mental health, and NeuroLaunch’s deep dive into sibling psychology.

If you’re reflecting on family roles, sibling relationships, or emotional identity, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational healing.

OPPORTUNITY

Breath, Bravery, and the Joy of Reaching Higher

Opportunity isn’t just a word—it’s a launchpad. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how moments of risk and wonder shape emotional growth, and how childhood adventures remind us to climb, breathe, and believe.

This is a marvelous word. Take a moment and pronounce it aloud. You must push air out of your mouth to create the sound. Think about that. Here is a word with real potential and as you say it you are pushing air out between your lips. The air just explodes! Isn’t that what you want when you are facing a new challenge? You want to explode and jettison yourself forward to take advantage of new space or a new time.

What have been your opportunities to explode? I mean this in a good way, please. I love it when small children explode with joy or excitement. I bet you have a favorite memory of watching this happen. I remember the ice skates for Christmas when I was about 10 years old. Everyone in the family got ice skates and we lived close enough to the reservoir to use them on a regular basis. That is one winter that we were all praying for freezing temperatures. Skating on the ice is such a joyous experience. We were not Hans Brinker, but our blades were silver!

Children understand “opportunity” in ways that adults never do. There is a tree in the backyard that just begs to be climbed. Fir trees—even though sticky and prickly—are clearly designed for this. You can walk up the branches until you reach the top. The question is “Can you walk back down?” The answer is “generally not.” You should not have been there in the first place so that is one level of panic. You can see about a mile in the distance and that is another level of panic. Your fingers and toes are sticky from the sap and that is disgusting. Ok. You know you should not have done that, but it was so inviting and so easy. Then you look down.

You are about seventy-five feet off the ground. Your hands, feet and other parts of your body are sticky and gooey, and you clearly are no longer comfortable. Somehow the process of going up, headfirst and just grabbing one limb after another was easy. But let us face it, you do not have eyes in your butt. Going down will not be the same. What if you miss a limb? What if you slip? What if your gooey hands get stuck and throw you off balance? What if your foot misses a limb? Time to call for help.

Fortunately, your father has a two-story ladder and a steady countenance. As he climbs carefully up to you, he is calm and reassuring and admiring your success. He asks what you can see from there because he has never been to the top of the fir tree. You struggle to answer that question because you are focused on looking down, down, down, and not out. Then, he is there, and you are on the ladder. Breathe. One rung at a time, lower, lower, lower until the solid ground appears.

As you take in a deep breath and push it out, your muscles relax, and you remember the opportunity to climb to the top and reach for the sky and experience the landscape from more than seventy feet above the ground. The scene was glorious. You are an adventurer. And you are safe.

Want to explore how opportunity fuels emotional growth and resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s guide to emotional healing and growth, NeuroLaunch’s overview of emotional development, and Raising Families’ windows of opportunity in childhood.

If you’re reflecting on risk, resilience, or emotional expansion, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and personal transformation.

ETC. &C,

Lists, Language, and the Ritual of Renewal

Et cetera—and so much more. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how shorthand symbols like “etc.” and “&c,” mirror our emotional shorthand, and how the New Year invites us to expand, revise, and reimagine our lists.

Are you familiar with these abbreviations? I am sure the first one is very familiar, and the second means the same. The second is just an older version. Etc. stands for et cetera, which means “and other similar things.” We use this abbreviation to indicate that the list we are making has other members, and they are too numerous to enumerate. This is a shorthand. If the reader wishes to find other members on the same list, they can seek them out for themselves.

What are you seeking? What lists are you making? What lists are you sending to others? What lists are coming to you?

At this time, when we begin a new year, everyone tends to focus on lists. Some are making lists for the future. Some are making lists of accomplishments from the past. A few are making lists of things to avoid moving forward. Your lists may be physical things that you put in a journal. Perhaps you have kept a record of your ideas for the beginning of the new year for decades. Or you may have one or two that have become good family stories. Those are the best. Remember the time…

We treat the new year as a time of respect by rethinking and starting over. Of course, we could choose any time of the year to begin something new or make resolutions, yet we tend to cram all of these into early January. How many of you have resolved to treat your body better? You promise to lose weight, or you spend the month of January with no alcohol. How did that work out?

Change is hard. Change requires support. We publish these resolutions to get the support we need to fulfill them. My New Year’s resolution is to return to a book I have been writing about the emotional development of boys and men. I want to confront how we raise boys and help people take a closer look at their own parenting and teaching of boys. I want to engage men in understanding why emotional expression seems so difficult. I want families to try new things as they parent their boys. I want organizations like schools, scouts, and sports activities to consider how they relate to boys and make some critical changes.

And, etc.

Want to explore meaningful New Year’s resolutions and how to make them stick? Visit The Everygirl’s list of realistic resolutions, Bright Color Mom’s 100 ideas for 2025, and Good Mind and Body’s most popular resolutions.

If you’re reflecting on change, intention, or emotional growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and personal transformation.

EXPECTATIONS

Reflection, Resilience, and the Power of Renewal

As the calendar turns, so does our perspective. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how year-end rituals foster emotional growth, and how resilience transforms challenges into new beginnings.

As the New Year approaches, everyone begins to review the past year and make resolutions for the coming one. Hopefully, a connection exists between what you have experienced over the past year and what you hope to experience moving forward. Connecting these two is essential.

The categories are standard: Family, Health, Friends, Work, Country, Faith. Perhaps you add one or two more. Each of us can elaborate on the various elements of each category. I am also sure that challenges and personal trials are on the list as we express gratitude for the support of others and the resources that have appeared just when we needed them.

The routine of reviewing the past year and planning for the next is a magical thing. What if we did not have this cycle of years? Would we keep drifting and never stop to reflect or plan anew? This annual ritual is valuable. Yes, there are other times when life grabs us, and we stop, reflect, and regroup. The transitions in life are times of reflection: high school graduation, college graduation, transitioning from apprentice to master, birth of a child, marriage, divorce, death of any kind, serious illness, to name a few. Life can and does disrupt us, requiring that we do some hard work of reflection and reorganization.

Yet, we are resilient. Humans are adaptable in ways that other creatures are not. We can change directions and regroup after devastating losses. When you review your past, you will see what I mean. Each of us had to change directions. Hitting that brick wall hurts. Changing direction takes energy and courage. Give yourself an embrace for taking the time it takes and doing the work it took to change.

One of the most beautiful things about humans is their ability to rise from the ashes like a phoenix and begin anew. Remaking yourself and renewing yourself is laudable. Humans are created with this capacity; watching it happen is truly moving. Look at your history of rising from the ashes of a bad experience. Look at the history of your ancestors and progeny. Humans are amazing.

As we transition to a new year, journal about the past year and be grateful for the changes and challenges. Give yourself the credit you deserve for working with and through these experiences. Don’t just say you were lucky. Look at how you managed these difficult experiences and credit yourself for rising from the ashes to fly again.

Want to explore structured year-end reflection and resilience practices? Visit Forbes’ guide to year-end clarity and leadership, SEB’s reflection and planning toolkit, and Quantum Living Mastery’s journaling prompts for renewal.

If you’re reflecting on change, resilience, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and life-stage transformation.

WALKING AT NIGHT

Visibility, Vulnerability, and the Unspoken Rules of the Road

Darkness doesn’t forgive oversight. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the tension between pedestrian rights and nighttime safety, and how visibility can mean the difference between life and tragedy.

This essay will be a divergence from previous ones as this is a rant and not an essay. So, stop reading here if you wish.

It is dark and it is about 10 pm. We are leaving our daughter’s home to go home to our place. The roads are narrow, with parking on both sides, so meeting a car requires that one driver give way by finding a spot on the curb for the other to pass. The space naturally increases when you come to a crossroads as you cannot park by the 4-way stop sign.

The oncoming car has the right-of-way because they arrived at the stop sign first, so we must give way and move to the right for them to pass. Yet, we have plenty of room to continue our journey through the intersection.

THEN

Appearing in the headlights is a woman walking, dressed all in black, walking on a blacktop road and expecting to be seen clearly. She is waving her arms wildly as though it is evident she is there and, as a pedestrian, must have the right of way! My husband’s lightning reflexes propel the swerve that saves her life. Again, she does not make any effort to move toward the curb. She is marching furiously forward, waving her arms like crazy. REALLY!!

When my heart stops pounding, I am furious. I have no desire to kill pedestrians. But!!

• Pitch black.
• No streetlights.
• Black clothing head to toe, including a hoody showing only a whisp of grey hair.
• Waving wildly that she has the right of way as a pedestrian.

Does she have a death wish and is suddenly conflicted?

Is she so self-absorbed that the recommendation to wear a reflective vest at night does not apply to her?

Does she go home complaining that some driver almost hit her?

Will my heart stop pounding?

Want to explore how to walk safely at night and improve visibility? Visit Safety Technology’s guide to nighttime walking safety, ReflecToes’ tips for pedestrian visibility, and Guardian Angel Devices’ winter night-walking safety guide.

If you’re processing fear, frustration, or emotional intensity after a close call, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional regulation and trauma recovery.

WHY ARE BOYS MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN GIRLS?

Emotion, Expression, and the Social Sculpting of Gender

It’s not just biology—it’s expectation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how boys’ emotional potential is shaped by caregiving norms, and how aggression may be a symptom of emotional suppression rather than innate difference.

We all know that boys seem to be more rough and tumble than girls and that girls are more verbal and playfully expressive. Boys like to use their bodies while girls like to use their words. This has characterized the difference between girls and boys since the beginning of time. But why? Is the difference in one single gene, or is the difference in the social-emotional expectations that we have of these different sexes?

The research on infant characteristics will tell us that boys come into the world with a broader range of emotional expression than girls. Let me say that a different way: boys have more access to feelings than girls do. Again, boys have a bigger vocabulary for emotions than girls do. Boys have a broader range of feeling experiences than girls. Let me say this again: BOYS FEEL!

Whoa! Hold the horses. Boys are born with broader access to feeling experiences than girls! Boys have more access to feeling states than girls do! After you get up off the floor, stay with me. This is especially important. Why would there be a difference in the first place? People are people. Why don’t boys and girls come into the world with the same access to and understanding of human emotions? Actually, I do not know. However, I do know that the research studying emotional abilities in infants confirms this over and over. Boys come into the world with a wider range of emotional expressions than girls. In another essay, we could speculate on why this is the case.

Ok. Now that you have fainted and gotten up from the floor, let’s look at the process that happens after birth. Childcare is, by and large, done by women. Consequently, girl infants get more attention and more congruent attention than boys. What do I mean by this? Caretakers spend more time with girls than boys. That’s a fact. Congruent attention means that caretakers are more likely to identify with same-sex children and have a better understanding of their communication and needs because they can project from their own experiences.

Now, if we ran an experiment where caretakers were mainly men for boy infants and mainly women for girl infants, we might have a great experiment on our hands. We might be able to maintain the boys’ access to feelings and change the emotional trajectory of the entire population. I wonder if the boys would retain their access to a broader range of feeling states. The current reality is that women provide the lion’s share of childcare. Consequently, boys do not get the attention that encourages them to continue to use their emotional strengths. Their emotional skills drop away. The research shows that female caregivers discourage the emotional expression of boys. They spend less time with boys and discourage emotional expression in them.

YIKES! STAY TUNED FOR MORE.

Want to explore how gender norms shape aggression and emotional expression? Visit Open Text BC’s overview of personal and cultural influences on aggression, APA PsycNet’s summary of gender differences in aggression, and Psychology Today’s article on anger expression across genders.

If you’re reflecting on gendered expectations or emotional development, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and relational growth.

YOUR MENTAL STORAGE LOCKER

Legacy, Emotion, and the Courage to Unpack

Not all clutter is physical. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional storage shapes our present, and how unpacking the past can lead to clarity, healing, and freedom.

Did you know that you have a storage locker? Storage lockers are generally places where we keep the “junk and stuff” about our life and existence. You know this place. Some of you have paid for a storage locker. The human loves to collect and save, and businesses like Self Storage or Extra Space Storage or literally hundreds more across the country make a living out of holding our junk and stuff and charging us for doing so! We love to save things. The attic is full, or the storage locker in our apartment building is overflowing, and we cannot decide which things to junk, so we rent a storage locker.

On some level, we know that we will never go through this stuff. Our children will be left with that responsibility. I know some families where the children have been methodical in going through the self-storage locker and others where they have just called “College Hunks Hauling Junk” and let everything go. There is no right or wrong to this process. Obviously, even though we tell ourselves that we save this stuff for the next generation, we actually save it for ourselves.

Making the decision to let go of great Grandpa’s razor strap or Aunt Ethel’s beautifully embroidered tablecloths is just too hard. We do not want to be responsible for destroying the legacy. Leave that to someone else.

You also have an equally complicated emotional storage locker. This one you really can sort through if you have the desire and the courage. Our early histories have traumas stored in them. These traumas impact the present whether we know about it or not. Trauma has a way of showing up and injecting itself in places that we least expect. Our brain stores it all. The good news is that means that all that history is available to us. We just must take the risk of climbing through these brain cells to unpack those memories. When you do that, the result is relief, insight, and freedom. Early traumas place limits on us. When we take heed of this and decide to go exploring, we can release stressors and traumas that have been influencing, distorting, and holding us back. So, let’s unpack!

Want to explore how emotional storage impacts well-being? Visit Healthline’s guide to releasing emotional baggage, Therapy in a Nutshell’s container method for trauma processing, and Animo Sano Psychiatry’s overview of trauma storage in the body.

If you’re ready to unpack your emotional storage locker, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and trauma recovery.

FRUIT

Boxes, Bounty, and the Bittersweet Joy of Holiday Gifting

Fruit is festive—but sometimes overwhelming. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how holiday fruit deliveries stir nostalgia, frustration, and creativity, and how even a grapefruit can be a gift with a twist.

December is the time of the year that your family members send you fruit for the holidays. Depending on your number of relatives, your fruit supply could be small, medium, large, or massive. We seem to be in the massive category. A dozen giant pears just arrived. They are delicious and can be poached in red or white wine to make lovely desserts. But, really? A dozen? Oh, and giant pink grapefruits. A dozen of those as well. How many mornings can you eat grapefruit? Don’t they realize that there are numerous reasons to skip the grapefruit? If you take statins, no grapefruit. If you have a heart condition, no grapefruit. If you take anti-anxiety drugs, no grapefruit. COME ON! Stop with the grapefruit.

The apples are more welcome because I love apple pie. I have an excellent recipe for a crust that will melt in your mouth, and you can arrange the apple slices to look gorgeous. You can also put a decorative crust on top and make these little cutouts that will brown a bit darker than the rest of the crust, giving you an elegant dessert. I remember my mom’s apple pies. When we were little, the apples would come from the trees in grandma’s orchard. As we got older, the grocer became the supplier. I like the local outdoor market set up every Sunday in the parking lot a few blocks away. Fresh apples are the best.

Then there is the standard Pumpkin Pie. Thank goodness no company markets a dozen pumpkins for the holiday, or I am sure we would have a crate of those as well.

Doesn’t my family know I like chocolate? There are chocolate-covered orange peels, figs, strawberries, dates, apricots, peaches, and pineapple! Come on! Think chocolate!

Now, do not get me wrong. The holidays are a lovely time to remember your family and friends. Boxes of fruit are advertised like crazy. They are unusual. They are seasonal. So, of course, you will look at the catalogs and the beautiful colored pictures. One would think the page is just reaching out to you and mesmerizing you. The catalog lulls you into a buying stupor, and suddenly, my porch is full of fruit.

Lest you misconstrue this rant, I do love fruit. I have always been a fan of fruit. I also love chocolate. I am sure that I have sneaked more chocolate than the average kid. I have my favorite candy makers and order boxes regularly. I even like chocolate-covered figs!

I do not know what to do with:

• A dozen pears
• A dozen grapefruits
• A dozen oranges
• A dozen golden delicious apples

Want to explore creative ways to use holiday fruit? Visit Oh My Creative’s winter fruit tray ideas, Nutrisystem’s Christmas fruit recipes, and Mashed’s festive fruit guide for holiday meals.

If holiday gifting stirs reflection, nostalgia, or overwhelm, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and seasonal balance.