Author: Dr. Gloria K Vanderhorst

SHAVING

Emotional Suppression, Gender Norms, and the Cost of Cultural Conditioning

Not all shaving happens with a razor. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how emotional suppression—especially in boys—is a cultural practice that shapes identity, relationships, and resilience.

OK, I know your immediate association was either men shaving their beards or women shaving their legs and armpits, but that is not the kind of shaving I am referencing.

I am talking about shaving off the natural abilities for experiencing and expressing emotions. As our children age, we begin shaving to eliminate or reduce their access to different feeling states. When my grandparents were alive and well two generations ago, this shaving was pretty close to a complete scalping. Feelings were discouraged because they would get in the way of survival. My grandparents started their marriage by living in a Lean-To. Look it up. Or, no, wait, I will describe it. A lean-to is made of branches and sticks found in the woods. The branches have one end on or stuck into the ground, while the far end runs skyward and is held up by another branch buried in the ground. The angled branches are held together with rope or strips of hide. The front of the lean-to is wide open and exposed to the elements. If you put yourself in that kind of “home,” you realize the couple did not have much time for emotional expression. They were too busy focusing on survival.

On the other hand, my parents, representative of the next generation, started their marriage in a sturdy three-bedroom home made of brick and clapboard. This comfortable place gave them more free time to express themselves and experience various emotions. Since they were not constantly focused on survival, they could appreciate being happy, having fun, being curious, or just exploring. Still, some actual shaving was going on as society systematically reduced the male’s access to the full range of feeling states. As a culture, we saw fit to deny the male population access to the full range of emotional expression. They were allowed negative feelings of irritation, anger, and even rage but denied access to more positive emotions such as tenderness, closeness, and attachment. Feelings of longing or neediness were taboo.

We now know that males come into the world with access to the full range of emotional expression. Some research indicates that male infants have a broader range of emotions than their female counterparts. Yet, we systematically train them to eliminate the more tender, vulnerable feelings in favor of macho, strong, emotionless expression. No wonder our jail population is predominantly male. We shave off their emotional capabilities before they can walk.

How do we expect them to be insightful about the feelings of others, particularly their wives, mothers, and female friends or colleagues? The expectation that I will take a capability away from you and then expect you to access it at will is the very definition of insanity. The men in your life are trained to deny any feelings they have unless they fall on the irritation and anger end of the spectrum. The only way to change this is to stop shaving our little boys.

Want to explore how emotional suppression and gender norms shape development? Visit Gender Study’s guide to emotional expression and gender, Meet the Motivators’ reflections on shaving and body neutrality, and University of Toronto’s inquiry into shaving and gender construction.

If you’re reflecting on emotional development, gender identity, or relational healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional freedom.

Seeing What’s in Your Way, and Clearing Space for What Matters

Life is full of challenges, big and small. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how noticing your daily obstacles can create clarity, reduce overwhelm, and open space for growth.

Ok, I hear you. Getting up in the morning can be a challenge. Figuring out what to make for dinner can be a challenge. Shutting off the news can be a challenge. Visiting your aging relative can be a challenge.

Ok, challenges are everywhere you turn. Recognizing these challenges can help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed, which is essential for your personal growth.

Maybe I am just nuts. Or perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Nope.

I am just plain realistic. Everything is a challenge. Some are really tiny, like which brand of tissue to buy. Some are really big, like deciding which job to apply for after being laid off. Most of them fall in between.

In my experience, challenges pop up all around you, and most of them are met quickly and easily, with little thought. My hope here is that you will look at these and take time to decide whether you need some “house cleaning.”

To take a look, you first need to recognize the daily, weekly, and monthly challenges. Start a list and prioritize them by urgency and impact. Don’t be in a hurry. Let the list sit and fill throughout a week. As you go about your daily routine, the challenges will be obvious—or not. Take time to pay attention for one week and write them down.

Now, get a cup of tea or your favorite coffee and sit down with your list. You have no doubt made an accurate assessment of the weekly events that fill your time. Now, take a broader look at the month, the quarter, the year, and add those things to the list. Getting big isn’t it. Keep going. Collect everything you can think of.

Now take a break and be glad you were so thorough. Breaks are essential, and we often forget how important they are. Frequently, we need a family member or a friend to remind us to take a breather. Be grateful for them. Our brains work better after a break. I am always amazed at how true this is.

I find myself hyper-focused, with the stress mounting, and too often I experience that stress as the necessary fuel to complete the project. Intense stress is helpful in a crisis. Hyperfocus can give you the strength to lift a car off a trapped child or cross the finish line in a race. Our bodies are remarkable machines, but most projects do not require hyperfocus.

Most projects like this one we are addressing require attention, attention to detail, and creativity. With your list in hand, look for the “offloads.” Identify tasks that can be delegated or eliminated, such as folding your daughters’ gym outfits. These offloads can be given back to the source or shared with others. Yes, this may result in some whining and complaining from the source, but do you really need to do everything yourself?

Think of the space you have freed up for your own endeavors. Remember that you promised yourself that you would write some poetry. Well, here is just the time you need.

If you’re reflecting on overwhelm, boundaries, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and meaningful change.

Emotional intimacy is one of the hardest bridges to build. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this conversation explores how boys learn to shut down feelings, when men show emotion and how couples can create trust and connection.

Good to see you,

What happens when men finally show emotion and the women in their lives do not know how to receive it?

This week, I joined The Purple Passion Project to talk about the emotional lives of men, how boys learn to shut down feelings, and why so many couples struggle to create real intimacy. We explored the quiet ways culture shapes the emotional worlds of boys and the painful distance that can grow when those lessons follow them into adulthood.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why men often struggle with intimacy
• How parenting and early expectations limit boys’ emotional expression
• What happens when women ask for emotional availability but feel unsettled when it finally appears
• How porn becomes a substitute for connection when vulnerability feels unsafe
• What couples can do to build trust, presence, and emotional openness

This is a conversation about healing the emotional divide between men and women, understanding what gets in the way, and choosing connection with honesty and compassion.

🎧 Listen to the full episode here: When Men Show Emotion and Women Pull Away | The Purple Passion Project

Want to explore more about emotional intimacy and connection? Visit Psychology Today’s article on why men struggle with emotional expression and Greater Good’s guide to how couples build emotional trust.

If you’re navigating intimacy challenges or seeking tools to strengthen emotional connection, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, trust, and emotional growth.

WAITING

Time, Patience, and the Hidden Gift of Pause

Waiting isn’t just idle time—it’s a mirror of modern life. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how waiting shapes our routines, reveals our values, and offers unexpected opportunities for growth.

Do you ever wonder how much of your life you devote to waiting? Of course, you do not think of this as a devotion. There is the obvious piece of waiting in line. We do that in many places: the grocery store, the movie theater, the ticket counter, the boarding pass nightmare. Most of us adjust and accept these pieces of life as usual and necessary. Realistically, they are. I see no other way to check out my groceries when the store is busy. Even the self-checkout can have a line! Besides, I could never figure out that machine anyway. I prefer to chat with the cashier.

Then there is the parental responsibility where you wait in the carpool line with your big block number in the corner of the windshield so the monitor on the curb can match your car with the right child. A parent’s life is full of waiting. You take your child to the gymnastics place and wait on the benches or watch the multiple screens showing children in different classes practicing their moves and bouncing on different equipment. You pray that yours does not come out with broken bones or defeated emotions. Or when they do make an emergency trip to the hospital, you wait in the hall on those wretched benches while the surgeon puts your child back together, and you hope for the news of complete repair.

Because you can now look anything up on the internet, I searched for the answer to how many hours we spend waiting. Wait for it! In 2023, adults spent 113 hours waiting over one year. Consider an 8-hour workday, and you spend two weeks waiting in line. On the one hand, you might think this is okay. After all, you must get groceries, go to the doctor, fly home for holidays, see an occasional movie in person, and attend at least one sporting event. Maybe waiting is not so bad. However, the survey gives us the average overall waiting time. If your children are under 16 years old and not yet driving, waiting is close to triple that. A sports practice is at least two hours; if your child is on a travel team, forget it. Calculating your waiting time would be futile.

What do you do with this time? If you think of this time as a gift and not a curse, you can use it productively. Even the time in the grocery store line can be productive. The television ad touting the app to make you an expert in any language that you choose could be a great benefit. Instead of playing some mind-numbing game on your phone, pull up one of the language apps. Think of it. With 113 hours devoted to learning French, Spanish, or Portuguese, you would have to become fluent.

Your phone makes so many things accessible. Want to learn how to fix a toilet? YouTube has numerous videos. Want to learn how to play dominoes? Yep. YouTube to the rescue. Or have you always said that you will read the classics when you retire? You guessed it. Your phone can bring the classics to you no matter what line you are standing in. Why use your phone to play Candy Crush when you could be mastering a language or expanding your knowledge?

Want to explore how waiting time can be transformed into productivity? Visit Lean Outside the Box’s guide to eliminating waiting waste, Adastra’s insights on waiting waste and sustainability, and Errol Allen Consulting’s strategies for monitoring wait times.

If you’re reflecting on time, patience, or personal growth, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support emotional insight and purposeful living.

Welcoming the New Year with Light, Noise, and New Year’s Resolutions

The new year begins with sparks, sound, and celebration. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how fireworks, resolutions, and rituals remind us of the power of renewal and connection.

All around the globe, the new year is welcomed with loud noise and displays of color and fire. The sky lights up with sparks, explosive colors, noise, and explosions that both frighten and delight. Families gather on blankets on the lawn or hillside. They arrive early, bring sandwiches and drinks, and settle in for the show. Earplugs are provided for the little ones and sunglasses for the older ones.

The pre-show generally has music groups to entertain or the occasional skit or magician. Everyone has come in anticipation of celebrating the new year. We look forward to beginning again. A fresh start is always welcome. We make resolutions that may last a week, a month, or, if we are fortunate, they may change the course of our lives.

What have been your New Year’s resolutions? The general one that everyone can identify with is to watch what we eat and do more exercise. How did you do with that one last year? If you take yourself seriously, you made a change and stayed with it. Maybe you committed to walking each morning or evening. Perhaps you joined a gym and made time with a trainer who encouraged you and held you accountable. Some of you organized a group to play pickleball. Your diet changes may have been subtle but essential. Maybe you cut back on sweets, limited alcohol, or switched your salad dressing.

Committing to yourself is essential. After all, you know yourself and what you need. Prioritizing yourself is often the hardest thing to do, and yet it is critical. Finally, make that appointment for an annual physical. Determine what you will do to keep yourself fit. Resolve to look at your relationships and take note of the changes that will improve each one. After all, connections with others do keep us healthy.

Have you ever wondered why the new year is welcomed with loud noise and blinding displays of color? Sometimes, I think it is to wake us up to the reality that change is possible and essential. Once a year, we prioritize reviewing where we are and where we want to go. This is a good habit and would probably be welcomed more often. But once a year is excellent. We focus on reflecting on the past year, examining where we want to be 365 days from now, and planning the route to get there. If you do this well, you will have a map for the next 12 months. If you publish it, you will have a team to support and encourage you. If you flesh it out, you will reach your goals, and a year from now, your life will have changed for the better.

Happy New Year.

Want to explore how rituals of renewal shape our lives? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the psychology of New Year’s resolutions and Greater Good’s guide to how New Year’s traditions foster connection and growth.

If you’re reflecting on resolutions, self-care, or relational growth this season, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

Why January Invites Us to Start Again

Every new year offers a doorway to a new beginning. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores Dry January, habits, renewal, and the deep human need for support as we grow.

Every January, we focus on starting a new year. We will take to the streets of New York City with loud noise, TV cameras, people in silly hats, and, of course, the NYPD. Many cities and even small towns have gatherings to listen to music and watch the year roll over. Neighborhood parties abound, and yes, people will drink too much alcohol.

Then the curious routine of making January a dry month will start. This actually is imported from the United Kingdom. Some say the UK borrowed the idea from Finland, where a “Sober January” was announced in 1942. So, the roots of this tradition run pretty deep.

I find it odd that, after getting ourselves blitzed on New Year’s Eve, spending the month of January without alcohol has become so popular. Maybe it is not strange after all.

Alcohol has been with us for a long, long time. Alcohol is not likely to disappear, even with the popularity of Dry January. Alcoholics Anonymous exists in every state in the United States and in at least 180 countries all over the world. Clearly, we love our alcohol, and some of us get trapped and undermined by it.

New Year’s is a time to begin again. Perhaps your habit is not related to alcohol. Maybe you binge on chocolate or spend too much money at Starbucks. Whatever your vice, January is the time to regroup, develop a plan, and begin anew. No matter how many Januarys you have restarted, restart again. Change will never happen without a restart.

New beginnings take time and planning. When you are planting a garden, you first survey the space you want to use. Look at the soil. What does it need to sustain the plants and seeds you want to throw out there? How much space does each plant need to bring a crop to fruition? Some of them will vine around, and some will stand up straight and tall. Some will shade others. Some will need more water than their neighbor. Managing a garden is not easy. So, do not think your new journey or your return journey will be easy.

Growing a new part of yourself is hard work. You will need support, just like the tomato vine in the center of the garden needs a strong stake or a group of stakes to make a teepee. Growth is not linear. We grow in spurts, and sometimes we lose parts of our new skills and have to regroup. Give yourself grace at these times. Ask for help. Change requires support. Be purposeful in planning your support team, and be open to having someone unexpected join you during your support time. We were all born connected to one another, and we need connection to be nurtured and held as we stretch ourselves, hit bumps in the road, and regroup.

Want to explore more about new beginnings and habit change? Visit Psychology Today’s article on why new beginnings matter and Greater Good’s guide to how small changes create big growth.

If you’re reflecting on habits, renewal, or personal growth this season, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

The Soundtrack of Our Lives

Music is everywhere, woven into memory, emotion, and the quiet corners of daily life. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how sound shapes us from before birth to our final years.

The world is full of music.

As I sit in my living room, I hear the wind outside. Today, it flaps wildly in my neighbor’s Santa flag. At some point, I fear Santa will be strangled as the flag whips around and gets caught on the pole. The crepe myrtle’s branches brush against the windows periodically, making a tingling sound.

The ancient clock on the mantel makes a double tick sound—tick tick, tick tick. It sounds like a woman in high heels running on the pavement. The fire in the fireplace below crackles as the flames devour the wood. I love a real fire. Somewhere in my ancient history, I am sure I carry genes for some fire goddess. I look forward to the winter just for the fires in the fireplace. Fortunately, my husband accommodates. Fireplaces are messy but delightful.

When we moved into this house, the ash collector between the fireplace and the basement clean-out had obviously not been attended to for years. The billowing of white ash was a shocker. Did you realize that when you shove ashes down the little tin doors at the bottom of the fireplace, they go collect somewhere? Obviously, the previous owners had no clue. I am grateful to them for replacing all the windows in this 1940s house and ensuring everything is airtight. But the billowing ashes filling the basement were a real shocker.

And while the response to this may not have been music, it was really loud.

As the new year approaches, I look forward to the New Year’s Day Concert in Vienna. If you have never listened, you are missing a treat. I realize it will be shown on TV, but I prefer to sit by the fire and stream it over the radio, now known as Spotify. I love imagining myself in that gorgeous concert hall, surrounded by fellow music lovers, melting into my seat.

Music is universal and powerful. The fetus in utero responds to music. I am not quite sure if they have preferences or just like all kinds. My husband had a huge jazz collection when I was pregnant, and I tended to play Mozart’s flute concerto over and over. Those are pretty different experiences. Maybe we were hoping to foster a musician, or to enjoy life ourselves.

I know that early musical experience tends to stay with us. I remember seeing a therapist interact with an Alzheimer’s patient who had not spoken for several years. The therapist began singing nursery songs, and after the first stanza of a particular song, the patient joined in. You cannot watch that coming to life without crying. Music stirs us before we are born and comforts us as we exit.

Want to explore more about the power of music? Visit Psychology Today’s article on how music shapes memory and emotion and Greater Good’s guide to how music connects us.

If you’re reflecting on memory, emotion, or the role of music in healing, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

Reflection, Brilliance, and the Value of Connection

As the year closes, reflection becomes a ritual. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this piece explores why humans pause to review, how our early brilliance shapes us, and why transparent friendships are worth holding onto.

A Year in Review… How long has this been a tradition? People stop to reflect and review the year. Some will write about their experiences. Some will contemplate and feel the year in their body or soul. Some will gather with friends or colleagues to take a serious dive into evaluating the ups and downs of the past year. Some will avoid the topic altogether.

What is it about us as humans that drives this need to review, and by reviewing to learn, assess, and plan for the next year? We are thoughtful. We are careful. We strive to grow, develop, and improve.

As infants, we are hungry to absorb the world around us. Our survival depends on reading the signals in the environment and making snap decisions on what is safe and what is dangerous. Infants are brilliant. Think of it. We were all brilliant in the beginning. We know exactly how to read the world around us, and we do it well. Feed us, clothe us appropriately for the weather, and put us in a cardboard box outside the fire station, and we will scream our heads off. We know immediately that we have been abandoned. We read the environment perfectly.

I often say that if you are going to build a company and want to know who is trustworthy as partners, find a baby. Pass a baby around the room. The baby will read the room perfectly. Partner with the person that the baby gazes at comfortably. Hire the person that the baby fidgets with, they are trainable. Stay away from the person who causes the baby to fuss, they are dangerous and will take advantage of you or betray you. Babies are brilliant.

As we age, we lose that brilliance. Some of us maintain a degree of insight and can make sound judgments about who is safe and who is dangerous. Many of us lose that capability and find partners who are not a good fit and friends we have to monitor carefully, sharing only pieces of ourselves. Finding that transparent partner who can accept all of us, the good and the bad, is a rare find.

I hope that you have found friends who can be transparent with you and stick by you no matter what. Hold onto those people. Their value will only increase over the years. Remember that you were born brilliant and you can still access that brilliance. As you age, it just becomes a bit harder to see.

Want to explore more about reflection and growth? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the value of year-end reflection and Greater Good’s guide to how reflection builds wisdom and connection.

If you’re reflecting on the past year and planning for growth ahead, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, resilience, and emotional growth.

Celebrating Culture, Community, and the Seven Principles

Kwanzaa is more than a holiday, it is a cultural affirmation. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores the origins of Kwanzaa, its principles, and how it continues to inspire unity, creativity, and purpose in African American communities.

Do you remember the Watts Riots? The celebration of Kwanzaa started in 1966 as a response to these riots. The goal was to create an African American holiday that was not associated with the Watts Riots and that distinguished the Black community from the predominantly white celebration of Christmas.

The holiday runs from December 26 to January 1. The celebration ends with a communal feast. Maulana Karenga, activist, author, and professor of African Studies, started the holiday. His history has been a patchwork of activism, imprisonment, and recognition. The holiday has roots in African first fruits celebrations, which honor the value of the harvest. The original goal was to challenge Christmas as a white tradition. However, over time, the holiday has become more secular, and many people now celebrate both Christmas and Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa has come to celebrate culture rather than religion. The end of the holiday is marked by a large feast called Karamu, commemorating the harvest. Each year since its inception, the number of African Americans celebrating the festival has grown. Current estimates suggest that about two million African Americans celebrate Kwanzaa.

The Seven Principles of Kwanzaa

• Umoja (Unity): within the family, community, and nation.
• Kujichagulia (Self-determination): To speak for ourselves.
• Ujima (Collective work and responsibility): To build and maintain our community.
• Ujamaa (Cooperative economics): To build and maintain our businesses.
• Nia (Purpose): To come together to build community.
• Kuumba (Creativity): To do what we can to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.
• Imani (Faith): To believe in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

Want to explore more about the meaning and practice of Kwanzaa? Visit Psychology Today’s article on the meaning of Kwanzaa and Greater Good’s guide to how Kwanzaa builds community and connection.

If you’re reflecting on cultural traditions, family rituals, or community connection, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support clarity, belonging, and emotional growth.

THE WIGGLY TREE

Kinesthetic Memory, Childhood Wonder, and the Wisdom of Twists

Some memories don’t speak—they move. For individuals in Maryland and DC, this reflection explores how kinesthetic memory and childhood imagery shape emotional insight, resilience, and the metaphors we carry into adulthood.

Childhood can sometimes be magical. We have so many little movies stored in our brains. This morning was a clear reminder of this to me. I was starting to draw a tree, and my brain suddenly reminded me of the Wiggly Tree from my childhood. I have capitalized it to note the importance of it from my childhood and not because it deserves it separately. Though it might. I will tell you that I have not thought about that tree for at least 6 decades. What in the world triggered this memory? If I had to guess, I would report that it is a kinesthetic memory: a memory stored in motion and action and not in language. As my hand began to form an upright tree on the page, the Wiggly Tree jumped into my hand and was recognized by my brain, leading to a tumble of childhood memories.

The Wiggly Tree stood or wandered along the alley next to my childhood home and across from the garage. It was an ancient tree, and I have no idea what type of tree it was, but it sat there for a long time. And perhaps its size is distorted by my size as a child. However, I can compare it to the garage across the alley. The top of the tree was clearly above the roof peak of the garage. The garage housed the family Buick and a boat with an outboard motor.

Imagine a trunk rising out of the ground with its extensive roots, looking like arms spread along the ground as if to hug the ground and keep the tree from flying away. The base of the trunk is old, as evidenced by the gaping hole that rises in an inverted V shape and rips the trunk open from the ground to the point where the trunk does a 90-degree turn. As the trunk runs parallel to the ground, one wonders why the whole thing does not topple. The run was long enough for my sister and me to sit on the trunk and swing our legs. Then, as you might have guessed, the trunk turned upward and headed for the sky.

What could have bent this tree like this? A gale-force wind sustained for months would be the necessary conditions to create such a turn. If we lived in Antarctica, this would be plausible as the wind can reach 150mph and be sustained long-term. However, we lived in a working-class neighborhood in Indiana. One can only imagine the early life of this tree. The same is true for people. Early experiences, even from infancy, can create gale-force trauma coded in one’s brain in terms of light, sound, motion, and touch. These “kinesthetic movies” tend to lie dormant as we focus on language only and recall things we can report in terms of language. Long before language, we had tons and tons of kinesthetic memories.

The Wiggly Tree was one of those for me. Of course, I flesh it out with language, but the memory is in my soul in terms of movement, images, and kinesthetic stimulation. These are important memories. In addition, I believe that memories pop into the present for very good reasons. The Wiggly Tree has been presented to me to cause me to reflect on early childhood experiences and character. I need to be curious about the significance of these characteristics as I face the present. The Wiggly Tree wants my attention. Perhaps I am facing some twists and turns in the present and need to give them more attention. Possibly there is a strong wind of resistance in my future, and I need to trust that things will eventually right themselves.

Want to explore how childhood memories and kinesthetic recall shape emotional resilience? Visit Psychology Today’s reflections on trees and childhood memory, NeuroLaunch’s guide to emotional attachment and memory, and Listickle’s insights on nostalgia and personal growth.

If you’re reflecting on memory, emotional connection, or personal transformation, therapy can help. Learn more about individual therapy in Maryland and DC or explore therapeutic approaches that support insight, healing, and emotional clarity.